Tag: Pete Davidson

Weekend Update Pete Davidson Says Goodbye for Now

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: well guys, it is the final episode of the season. Here to talk about it is Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey. Thank you. Hello. Thanks. Hello Colin and Che, and millions of people only watching to see if I bring up Kanye.

Colin Jost: Yeh, Pete, you’ve had a weird year.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, little bit. Yeah. I just I never imagined this would be my life. You know? I mean, look at me when I started here. [a picture of Pete Davidson when he just started appears on left top corner] Like back then, I was just like a skinny kid and no one knew what race I was. And like now, everyone knows him white because I became hugely successful while barely showing up to work. Like live with me now, I’m aging like an old banana. And Colin still looks like the only Kennedy who doesn’t drink.

Colin Jost: Thanks, Pete. So are you officially leaving?

Pete Davidson:  Yeah, man. Lorne accidentally gifted me a sock, so I’m free.

Colin Jost: Has a lot has changed since you started here?

Pete Davidson: A lot has changed. In three years, Fox News went from calling me a monster for making fun of Congressman Dan Crenshaw’s eyepatch to also making fun of Dan Crenshaw as I patch. Tucker Carlson called him “Eyepatch McCain”. That’s two veterans in one insult. Geez Colin, your dad’s a dick.

Colin Jost: Actually, Pete, I’m not related to Tucker Carlson.

Pete Davidson: Well, I learned something new every day. But In fairness, though, to what I originally said, because clearly it still bothers me, what I was saying, I was simply making a joke about someone’s appearance without realizing that the medical condition behind it was a sensitive issue, which is an SNL alumni tradition. [picture of Chris Rock getting smacked by Will Smith appears on left top corner] Hear, on one hand, I don’t like that people think they could just run up on stage and hit a comedian, but on the other, it’s how I know all my shows will now be sold out.

Colin Jost: Pete Is there anything you’re gonna miss about this place?

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah, Lorne, for sure. He’s amazing. He’s led us through the COVID era, even though the only time he wears a mask is that his Eyes Wide Shut parties. Yeah. He always gives the best advice. Really, this is all true advice that Lorne has given me. I’ll never forget this. I called him and said— When I got engaged, I said, “Lorne, I just got engaged to Ariana Grande after dating for two weeks.” And he said, “Oh, hold on for dear life.” It’s a true thing. And then I remember when I auditioned for SNL, he looked me right in the eye and said, “I don’t know. I don’t think you’re right for this show. So let’s screw this up together.” And that’s exactly what we did. And that’s why people who don’t think I deserve this job shouldn’t hate me since we have so much in common. Like, if anything, I should inspire hope, you know, like that literally anyone could be on Saturday Night Live. Seriously, you see a guy bumming cigarettes outside of 7Eleven at 2 AM? That’s not some meth head. That’s the next Pete Davidson.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m gonna miss you, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, well, thanks, Colin. Even though I know it says that on your cue card. You’ve been like an older brother to me. In the way that my mom openly loves you more than she does me. And I appreciate SNL always having my back and allowed me to work on myself and grow. And you know, thank you to Lorne for never giving up on me or, you know, judging me even when like everyone else was and for believing in me and allowing me to have a place that I can call home with the memories that will last a lifetime. So thank you guys.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone.

[cheers and applause]

Short Ass Movies

Pete Davidson

Gunna

Chris Redd

Simon Rex

[Starts with Pete Davidson browsing movies on his TV]

Pete: These days, when I wanna sit down to watch a movie, I can find just about anything in the world. But night after night, there’s only one kinda movie I’m always looking for.

[rapping] And that’s a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like, at most, an hour-forty
Gimme that short-ass movie

Gunna: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause you know I ain’t gon’ sit here
And watch no long-ass movie

Pete: Found a flick, I’m ’bout to pick it
But right before I click it
I look down right below the line
And that’s when I see the runtime
Three hours forty-seven minutes?
Bro, you must be crazy
No thanks, I’mma watch a short-ass movie
like Driving Miss Daisy

Gunna: I’m not pushin’ “P” unless it’s under two hours
Like Lion King or Bad Moms or all three Austin Powers

Pete: I heard that Batman was great, so went to a theater and saw it
I pissed my pants twice, that s— was longer than The Hobbit

Gimme that short-ass movie
A 90-minute movie

Gunna: Like Liar Liar, Evil Dead,
Punch-Drunk Love, or Eraserhead

Pete: A short-ass movie
A really short movie
‘Cause I’m a simple man
With no attention span

Chris: Gimme a short-ass movie like Bambi
Got to be tiny but good like shrimp scampi

Pete: And when it’s movie night, you won’t be gettin’ any yesses
If you roll up to the crib with one of them double VHSs

Gunna: Why this movie look like a book?

[Pete Davidson throws out the movie] Pete: Bye bye!

Gunna: I always keep it a hundred
Keep the runtime under a hundred

Chris: If my ass stuck on the couch for more than two hours
It cause me discomfort

Pete: We tried to watch the movie Heat
When we was hanging at my house
But barely 20 minutes in
My boys were drooling on the couch

The only one not sleeping is the weird guy who picked the movie

James: [watching the movie] I stand by my choice.

Pete: Gimme that short-ass movie
A really short movie
Like Encino Man, yes please
Or Good Time by the Safdies
A short- ass movie
A really short movie
If it’s long, my eyes get glassy
Now tell ’em how it is, Dirt Nasty

Simon Rex: Yo, it’s your boy Dirt
If you really like short movies
I got nine great ones just waitin’ for ya
There’s Ernest Goes to Camp and Ernest Saves Christmas
And Ernest Goes to Jail and Ernest Scared Stupid
There’s Ernest Goes to School, that’s only 89 minutes
And Slam Dunk Ernest

Pete: That one’s got Kareem in it

Simon Rex: There’s Ernest in the Army, made me wanna join the service
And Ernest Goes to Africa

Pete: That poster makes me nervous

Simon Rex: But the greatest thing of all, a true thing of beauty
Is the three minute short before every Pixar movie
[Everyone sobbing] Chris: It was so short but so sad.

Pete: Yo, so think about this: Sex and the City 2 was two hours and 26 minutes long. To put that in perspective, the movie Jurassic Park was two hours and seven minutes long. That was a movie that told the history of dinosaurs, how DNA works, and explained the science of bringing dinosaurs back to life. And Sex and the City 2 , y’know, which was a movie about four women we already knew, was 20 minutes longer. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything, I’m just saying that’s crazy s—, right?

Simon Rex: How long was “The King of Staten Island”?

Pete: Oh. It was, it was, like, two hours and 17 minutes, but we needed, we needed all those minutes.

All: Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Gimme a short-ass movie
A really short movie
Every night

Tenant MeetingTenant Meeting

Alex Moffat

Chloe Fineman

Ms. Delessio… Sarah Sherman

Ms. Quincy… Ego Nwodim

Mrs. Wilton… Heidi Gardner

Jamarcus… Chris Redd

Kevin… Mikey Day

Clark… Bowen Yang

Chet Fillmore… Willem Dafoe

Mr. Milos… Aristotle Athari

Tommy… Pete Davidson

Jan Krang… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Carson… Kenan Thompson

Mrs. Baumann… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with tenants having a meeting]

Alex: Okay everyone, welcome to the first tenants Association meeting of 2022. I know we usually have coffee and Dunkin munchkins at these meetings, but I forgot to pick them up.

Punkie: Then why am I even here? Shame on you.

Chloe: Wow, she left. Okay, well, we will now hear tenant complaints and concerns. But remember we are all neighbors in this building. So let’s please keep it civil. Yes, Ms. Delessio from unit 7-E.

Ms. Delessio: [showing a paper] What the hell is this? You raised my maintenance fee up $12 this month.

Alex: We had to fix a leak in the roof.

Ms. Delessio: Well, this just in. I don’t live on the roof, so I’m not paying it.

Alex: We’re just gonna send you another bill. Next Ms. Quincy from 2-F.

Ms. Quincy: Hello. I would like to formally ask the board’s permission to kill my neighbor’s loud, stupid, yappy dog.

Chloe: Obviously permission is denied.

Ms. Quincy: Bitch, I don’t need it. I was asking as a courtesy.

Chloe: Miss Quincy. No. Yes, Mrs. Wilton.

Mrs. Wilton: I am livid. Right now. The laundry machines in this building are a disgrace. I wash my 13 year old son’s socks every week, but a day later, tada, they turn hard is the rock. [banging the table with the sock] Hear that? Hear that? I will go to the news with this if the machines are not fixed. Thank you and goodbye.

Alex: Yikes. Okay, looks like our doorman, Jamarcus wants to say something.

Jamarcus: Hey, folks, hey. This is for all the white tenants. Not all of you, but a lot of you. I’m not sure how it started. But many of you have come to believe my name is Jamarcus. It is not. My name is Robert and I let it slide at first. But it seems like it’s catching on. I want to just nip it in the bud. Thank you.

Chloe: Thank you Jamarcus. Next Kevin and Clark from 8-C?

Kevin: Yes. I have a question. [singing] When is the building talent show?

Clark: Tuesday?

Kevin: What time does it start, I have to know

Clark:5 to midnight.

Kevin:Is there food?

Clark:No.

Kevin:Are there drinks?

Clark: No.

Kevin:Well, who’s performing

Clark:Just so far?

Kevin and Clark:So sign up today

Clark: You were off key.

Kevin: What?

Clark: You were off key!

Kevin: No, Clark! Wait.

Alex: Wow, that should be fun, huh? Okay, next.

Chet Fillmore: For those who don’t know me, I’m Chet Fillmore. I bought the top three floors of this building in 1971 for $1. And I’ve been a pain in the ass ever since. My question is what the hell happened to this city? What’s the danger, man? Was the art? Back in my days, it was all pimps and whores, junkies and perverts all over Time Square. Man, it was great. It goes CBGBs and Iggy Pop would puke on your face and we liked it. Where did that city go, man?

Alex: No idea. And what is your question?

Chet Fillmore: I don’t have one. I just want to be a pain in the ass.

Chloe: Okay, well, thank you Mr. Fillmore. Yes, next.

Melissa: Hi. I just moved to the city. I’m new. I’m loving it. I’m in 5-F, the 300 square foot studio with no toilet and no windows. My question is what is my $600,000 rent due?

Chloe: On the first of the month. And welcome to the building. Next Mr. Milos.

Mr. Milos: Yes sir. Google Translate. [foreign language] feed on us ketosis to hit

Google translate: I need to milk faucet, so make destruction.

Alex: Mr. Milos. I’m sorry, we don’t quite understand.

Mr. Milos: Yes, I start? Thank you so much.

Chloe: No, no, no. Wait. He’s gonna take down another wall. Okay, I see our building super is here with an update on the Rhoden situation. Tommy, how is the rat problem?

Tommy: Bad.

Alex: Okay, thank you Tommy. And next– Sorry, remind me of your name again.

Jan Krang: Jan Krang. J-A-N K-RANG. Unit nine-A. A as in Ana delas armas. And I move that we ban all teens from the building. They gather outside my apartment to have white claws and do 69ers.

Chloe: Ms. Krang, we cannot ban teens from the building, so please give it up. Yes, Mr. Young.

Mr. Young: When will Varizon install the friggin FIOS? It’s been 10 years.

Chloe: They’re working on it sir. Yes, Hello boys, next.

Jeremy: What’s up? What’s good? What’s up? We’re NYU students subletting 11-F. I’m Jeremy. That’s Hunter.

Hunter: What’s good?

Jeremy: So, one of us might have maybe dropped us a small baggie of baking soda in the elevator. If you come across it, please return it to 11-F.

Alex: If it’s what I think it is, it’s going straight in the trash.

Hunter: Douche.

Chloe: Moving on to standing complaints, Mr. Carson the female love making screams are still coming from 5-C every night.

Mr. Carson: Oops.

Alex: Well, can you please ask your guests to keep the volume down?

Mr. Carson: Hey, man, I asked my female guests this is to ship ship but it seems it’s too good.

Alex: Well, I had to ask. Okay, moving on. Oh, no. Mrs. Baumann, is this about the buildings pet policy?

Mrs. Baumann: No.

Alex: All right. Go ahead.

Mrs. Baumann: By the limits on cats per unit must be raised from three to 75. Part one.

Alex: Okay. No, no. Meeting adjourned.

Chloe: Thank you all. Please pick up any trash on your way out. Make the clean up a little easier for Jamarcus.

Jamarcus: Please, god. It’s Robert. Come on, man.

Beauty and the Beast The Mirror

Beast… Pete Davidson

Belle… Chloe Fineman

Father… Willem Dafoe

Cogsworth… Kenan Thompson

Lumière… Mikey Day

[Stats with Beauty and the Beast dancing in the castle]

Beast: Belle, are you happy here with me?

Belle: I’m getting used to it.

Beast: What’s wrong?

Belle: If only I could see my father again? Just for a moment.

Beast: Well, perhaps there is a way. This magic mirror will show you anything in the world.

Belle: Anything?

Beast: Yes, Belle. Anything.

Belle: [to mirror] I’d like to see my father please.

[Her father appears in the mirror. He’s getting back to his home.]

Father: Is anybody home? Belle? Belle? Are you here? Hello?

Belle: Oh, calling for me. I knew my father missed me.

Beast: Of course he misses you, Belle. He’d be a fool if he didn’t.

[Father is alone in the house]

Father: Okay, so I’m just double checking. I’m definitely alone then. Nobody here in the cottage except little old me. Crazy old me.

Beast: Oh-oh!

Belle: What?

Beast: Well, it seems like your father really wants to make sure he’s alone.

Belle: Wow, he’s never been by himself before. He’s probably frightened.

Beast: Yeah, I think we’re the ones who should be frightened.

[Father is lighting up the candles]

Father: [humming] This is the best day of my life

Beast: Yep, yep, here we go. He’s lighting all the candles now.

Belle: Maybe he’s cold.

Beast: Nope, not a shot. I know exactly what’s happening here.

Belle: What’s he doing now?

[Father is putting all the pictures of his daughter down]

Father: Don’t look. Don’t. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. Don’t look at me. [looks at the picture of a horse] Look at me.

Belle: He just seems to be so lost without me.

Beast: Belle, this guy’s not thinking about you at all. And if he is we got bigger problems.

Belle: Oh my God, what’s he doing now?

[Father turns on the music and starts dancing]

Cogsworth: Well, that’s not something you see every day.

Lumière: I’ll tell you one thing. The mirror never disappoints.

Belle: Okay. Well, maybe we should do something else. Anyone want to sing “Be our guest” again? It’s a really, really good song.

Beast: Maybe later. This is some sick stuff.

[Father is spanking himself an dancing]

Mrs. Potts: Oh, I like this, dude. He nasty.

Belle: Okay, okay. I think we’ve seen enough. Anyone else want to look in the mirror?

Lumière: Quiet. The strangest thing of all is happening.

[Father is looking at a photograph]

Father: Oh my lady, look at how I’m carrying on since you’re passing. I just wish swish you were holding me close, kissing my neck, stroking my head, stomping on my groin, spanking my ass, biting my ass. So many wonderful things with my ass.

[throws and breaks the mirror]

Belle: Oops! I broke the mirror. Total accident. Can’t believe it. Anyway, see everyone had dinner. And let’s never talk about this again.

Cogsworth: I can’t believes she broke the mirror.

Beast: Don’t worry guys. I got like Father0 more of those in my room.

Chip: Wait, I don’t understand. What happened in that old man’s quadrant.

Beast: [singing] A tale as old as time

Which is a song I would sing if we had the rights.

Weekend Update Three Guys Who Just Bought a Boat

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

Guy who just bought a boat… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The NFL playoffs continue this weekend. Here with his tailgating tips is a guy who just bought a boat.

[The guy slides in]

The guy: Ha-ha-ha. Are you ready for some deez-balls? It’s good to beach here.

Colin Jost: I really hated that opening.

The guy: Hey, Colin, I haven’t seen you since that party we had to get COVID on purpose. Great idea by the way, co-jo.

Colin Jost: No. No. I have no idea what you’re talking about. No.

The guy: That’s true. My bro-bro from a No-hoe here told me the same thing many women have. Let’s just get this over with.

Colin Jost: No. That did not happen. No.

The guy: It did. Anyway, it’s football season and if you want to nail your date, you’re gonna have to tell some gate, okay? If you want a touchdown there, here are some just the tips to turn her tight end into a wide receiver. Make your starting– Oh! Make– Hah! Here we go. You’re not gonna like this, guys. Make your starting lineup some beautiful cans. Okay? I’m talking about brewskis, give her some Inklings to get her tingling and pretty soon you’ll be like a running back pounding it up the middle. I have a small penis. What got there?

Colin Jost: What was that?

The guy: I have a small penis. What are you, new here? Hey, wait. Something different around here? I’m getting some sort of message, like, a Blippar from another Skipper? Yep. My tighty whities spidey sense is tingling. Ah! Someone bought a boat. [pointing at Colin Jost]

The guy: No. I don’t think. I don’t know. I don’t really know what you’re talking about.

Colin Jost: I’m getting word in my sidepiece. Breaking news, my boy Coy Joy and SNL boy toy are saying a-hoy-hoy to an aquatic toy-toy. That’s right, Colin and Pete bought a ferry boat.

The guy: All right. Well, fine. Here to talk about it is a guy who just bought a ferry.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Pete Davidson: Hey! We bought a ferry. The windowless van of the sea.

Colin Jost: Yeah. It’s very exciting. We thought the whole thing through.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. I know. Even the mayor tweeted about it, which is how I found out we have a new Mayor? What happened to Bloomberg?

The guy: I don’t know

Colin Jost: You know, Pete, we did a sketch about the new mayor last week.

Pete Davidson: Oh yeah, I’m gone as soon as my last sketch is over.

Colin Jost: Wait, so you guys bought it together, pulling a double teamer on this steamer. Ha-ha. Me likey. Way to get your deck sweat, boys. Classic boat owner behavior.

Pete Davidson: Actually, actually, there’s a third partner.

The guy: I’m glistening.

Pete Davidson: We bought it with this guy, Paulie Italia, which is the name of a real person and not a mafia themed wrestler. We’re boat people now, Colin. I mean, you always were. You look like, you know, you own the yacht they rend for rap videos.

Colin Jost: We are having trouble finding a place to dock though.

The guy: Oh, fellas, this happens to me all the time. Look, just start poking around downtown. It’ll eventually slip in somewhere. My thingy is a dinghy?

Pete Davidson: Well, actually, our boat is Pete Davidson00 feet long.

The guy: Ew. Look, it’s the width that counts. Mine’s like a tuna can.

Colin Jost: Also, we just keep– We’re gonna keep– No, that’s okay. We’re gonna keep the boat dock. You know, it’s not gonna move on its own power.

The guy: You’re my best friend Colin Jost. Wait, so your boat’s just gonna lay there? Tight. That’s just like me. There’s no motion in this ocean. When your pooner is on this schooner, all are bored (all aboard!). There’s no shame in paying for a tug. Co-Jo knows what I’m talking about.

Pete Davidson: So, it’s like with your penis?

The guy: No, Pete. They’re for a boat.

Colin Jost: Three guys who just bought a boat, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Coling Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Ingraham Angle Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Novak Djokovic… Pete Davidson

Candace Owens… Ego Nwodim

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with ‘The Ingraham Angle’ intro] [cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening. I’m Laura Ingraham. And as soon as I marry your dad, I’m sending you straight to boarding school. Well, we’re finally done with year one of Biden’s presidency. And can we all admit it’s a disaster? Inflation’s out of control. Gas is at $19 a gallon. And the green m&m has been canceled just from being a whore. Things are so bad in Biden’s America, even according to former Wendy’s books girl Jen socket. Take a look at what she said at a press conference this week.

[Cut to the video clip of media person asking question to Jen Psaki]

Media person: Build Back Better has not passed. Voting rights apparently not going to pass. And vaccine requirements are apparently illegal. What happened?

[Cut to a video made by joining many clips of Jen Psaki speaking different words to make them sentences]

Jen Psaki: We are not good people. The American public should vote us out.

[Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: First true thing she’s ever said. Plus, the nation is still mourning from the sudden loss of America’s dad, Robert Durst. The country is on its last legs folks. Liberals want to take away everything that makes you American. For example, guns, hamburgers, Morgan Wallen. I don’t care if you use as a slur, I just want to dance. Your backup guns. Commercial where the whole family is the same thing. Using the word mayonnaise. It’s aioli all of a sudden? No thanks, Linman Will. And finally, missionary. My first guest tonight is here to talk about how he’s pushing back against Biden’s tyranny. You know him, you know him. Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Hello, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: Beard still going strong, huh Ted?

Ted Cruz: Oh, yeah. My beard is like January 6. Shocking at first, but sadly it’s been normalized.

Laura Ingraham: Speaking of January 6, now, you recently had to apologize for calling the Capitol rioters terrorists.

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I agree with you. 100%. I never should have called them terrorists. The truth is they are big burly men with big D energy. I like them a lot. I mean, they’re my cool friends. And Donald, if you’re watching, I love your baby. You are the king, honestly. Hit me.

Laura Ingraham: Did you just asked Trump to hit you?

Ted Cruz:  Oh, I don’t know. Hit me, choke me, spit in my face. I just want to stay in the mix.

Laura Ingraham: Thanks for being here, Ted.

Ted Cruz: Oh, and one more thing. I’d like to remind all my fellow Texans watching at home that February is gonna be a cold one. So you might want to book your vacated Cancún now. Live moss everybody.

Laura Ingraham: That’s great advice, Ted. I’d like to take a moment to thank my few remaining loyal sponsors. COVID NEGS. The COVID test is guaranteed to be negative even if you have it. COVID NEGS, I’m gone to your wedding. And False Alarm Medical Alert. If your grandkids think it’s the end, they’ll call. And white pizza for an Italian who’s too ethnic. Our next guest is the latest victim of the vaccine police with a name I somehow had an easier time learning to pronounce them Kamala Harris. Please welcome Novak Djokovic.

Novak Djokovic: Yeah. Thank you. Call me by my nickname, The Joker. Although right now I’m the least popular Joker except for Jared Leto.

Laura Ingraham: I found him relatable. So, Novak, you were deported from Australia for refusing to be vaccinated. And I never thought I would hear myself use the word deported in a bad way. What happened?

Novak Djokovic: I went to Australia. My visa was denied. But then I appealed to the judge and this was his ruling.

[Cut to an animated video of a tennis ball court]

Sound: Out.

Laura Ingraham: I must say, I am a fan of your sport because in tennis, love is bad. Now, why don’t you tell your side of the story while I stare into the camera like it’s a raw piece of steak.

Novak Djokovic: Thank you, Laura. You see, people love to tear you off your pedestal, you know, just because you’re really rich or you’re the best at tennis or you go to a charity event with 230 kids even though you’re dripping with COVID. But in my heart I know that one day people will look back on this moment in history and think “Who cares?”

Laura Ingraham: Thank you, Novak. See you at Wimbledon.

Novak Djokovic: Probably not.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. My next guest is here to address the Voting Rights bill which would make it easier for minorities to vote and harder for white people in Florida the vote twice. Please welcome my one black friend Candace Owens.

Candace Owens: Martin Luther King would have voted for Trump.

Laura Ingraham: Hello to you too.

Candace Owens: Laura, liberals tried to make everything about race. To quote the only words that Martin Luther King ever said, “I have a dream.” That’s it. End of quote. Nothing about money or jobs or schools unless you count his tombstone, which says, “Great job gang, racism over.”

Laura Ingraham: I hope people at home are writing this down.

Candace Owens: Thanks, Laura. Now it’s my greatest honor to continue to fight for African Americans, no matter how many times they asked me to stop.

Laura Ingraham: Thank you. Thank you, Candace. Now, I’d like to thank a few more of my loyal sponsors. Bible belts. Hold your pants up the way God intended with Bible Belts. Flower Poison, ever see a big garden full of flowers and think I wish they were dead? Flower Poison. And Paula Deen’s Chickpea Mash. It’s not radical Islamic hummus. It’s American chicken. Talk at the 2024 Republican primaries already heating up. So let’s talk to the svelte muscular  pound gorilla in the room, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Hello, Laura. It’s wonderful to be here. I’m back just like Tiger King 2. You have fun the first time and now you’re like, “How are more people from this not in jail yet?”

Laura Ingraham: Now, Mr. President, you’re out on the trail again, creating controversy with your typical wacko stuff and uncharacteristically reasonable takes on booster shots. Would you like to give our viewers a taste?

Donald Trump: I sure would. Let’s get today’s wordle. Could we do that please? I got a booster, okay, because I made the booster. I made the beautiful vaccine. It’s an incredible vaccine. But it’s very unfair what’s happening with the COVID treatment, okay. White people are being told to get back of line. They’re being told back of line. Speaking of white people, John Mayer. John Mayer, he hasn’t had a hit in so long but we love Mayer so much. Body Wonderland. I mean, come on. It was tremendous music. I thought it was tremendous music with Body Wonderland. You know, I’d rather be Mayer of anything than be Governor Ron DeSantis. I’d beat him so bad if he went against me just like I beat Hillary okay. Because the only Hillary we like is Duff from How I Met Your Father. How I Me Your father, you know it doesn’t have the charm and sparkle of frankly mother. But we love Duff, okay. We love duff.  You know, she got her teeth fixed. Now they look like Jordan almonds. Lizzie McGuire, you know, they wanted to do a Lizzie McGuire with Hulu and Disney said “No sex.” They didn’t want the sex. So, they went their separate ways just like Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa. Let me tell you, Momoa is a very big boy. He is so big. He looks like a sexy devil. The Devil Wears Prada and Prada is right next to Tiffany’s. Tiffany is my daughter. Daughters is by John Mayer. And I’m gonna run through the host of your high schooler 2024 when you reelect Trump. Wordle.

Laura Ingraham: There it is. You got it. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Winter Formal

Donna… Sarah Sherman

Ron… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Ron And Donna’s Lacatza’s Formal Emporium commercial]

Donna: Oh-oh, there’s a nip in the air and everything’s dead. You know what that means?

Ron: It’s time for the most important day of your daughter’s life, her high school winter formal.

Donna: And if you want her to have an amazing time, call us Ron and Donna’s Lacatza. Our formal Emporium is your one stop shop for all your daughter’s school dance needs.

Ron: We’ve got corsages fresh from our garden.

Donna: We’ve got dresses that are as pretty as she is, depending on the girl.

Ron: And if you’re worried about your daughter having sex after the dance, don’t be. We have the perfect solution.

Donna: She can take our Shawn Donovan. Because Donovan…

Donna and Ron: Wouldn’t know where to start.

Shawn: Aw, come on.

Donna: We’ll also provide her with a photographer who will take gorgeous photos.

Ron: And a limousine that we made out of two gorgeous Toyota Corollas.

Donna: And we our sweaty Shawn, your daughter is guaranteed to remain un-penetrated.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a La-Costa promise.

Shawn: Um, maybe one day.

Ron: He’s not gonna try anything. The dude gets nervous shaking his grandma’s hand.

Donna: And he’s a lazy wiper. You can smell it.

Ron: And if you’re worried about what might go on at the after party, don’t be. Donovan’s got you covered. He medically can’t stay up past Donna0PM.

Shawn: When I get tired, I freak out.

Donna: Yum! Donovan’s just one of those kids who’s got one huge computer and two ugly friends.

Shawn: Shout out Scotty and Gavin.

Ron: Enough about off putting baby boy. Let’s talk to some satisfied customers.

Heidi: I rented a dress and I got a compliment from Jason Brzezinski.

Melissa: I rented a limo and me and my friends felt like rockstars.

Ariana: I rented Donovan and on the way there, he sat up front with the driver. And he had crowns on his lips the whole night.

Ron: Yes, you see, our boy’s always got something on his lips.

Donna: Gary, Gary, zoom in on those lip.

Ron: Yeah, yeah, zoom in. [camera zooms in to Donovan’s lips] Oh! That white stuff. What is it? Is it cream cheese?

Shawn: No. Let’s just say my mouth is like this.

Donna: Who’s giving you Cream cheese, huh? I’m sorry, sweetheart. Were you still going on about some over there?

Ariana: Oh, um, yeah. Well, he didn’t dance the whole night and then he went nuts to get low.

[Starts shouting and dancing]

Shawn: To the sweat drop down in my balls!

Sorry.

Ariana: And then he got too hot and changed into like, a Los Pollos Hermanos t-shirt. Like, what even is that?

Shawn: I told you a million times. It’s the restaurant from Breaking Bad.

Ron: And if you’re somehow you’re still not convinced that our son is some secret Casanova, may we direct your attention to his clinical swamp ass.

[Shawn’s pants are wet]

Shawn: Oh, no. Don’t spin me around.

Donna: Gary, zoom in to his wet little ass.

Ron: Yeah, zoom in, Gary. Look at his ass.

Donna: Gary, zoom.

Ron: It’s so soupy.

Donna: It’s wet, Gary.

Ron: It’s so soupy. We don’t mean to embarrass you, Donovan, but it looks like you pissed yourself from the back.

Donna: How did he end up like this?

Ron: Well, parenting is so hard.

Donna: And I drank while I was pregnant.

Donna and Ron: And that’s a Lacatza promise.

Shawn: What is? w

[music starts playing]

Ron: Oh my god. That’s my boy’s song.

Shawn: Ay, I love this song.

Donna: So, stop by today. We do not have a website and we barely have a phone

Fauci Holiday Message Cold Open

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Santa… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chris Cuomo… Andrew Dismukes

Lauren Boebert… Chloe Fineman

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now a holiday message from Dr. Anthony Fauci.

[Cut to Anthony Fauci] [cheers and applause]

Anthony Fauci: I’m back. Hello. Hi. Hi, everyone, it’s me Dr. Fauci. Do people still think I’m sexy? Or are we done with that? When people see me on TV, they think, “Oh, this can’t be good.” And the children think, “Wow, that Elf on the Shelf got old.”

Anyway, anyway. As you probably heard there is an Omicron wave sweeping the globe. Some experts feared the Omicron variant would be vaccine resistance, kind of like, I don’t know, 40% of Americans. More recent data suggests that if you had a vaccine and a booster, you should be pretty well protected. So if that’s you, I’d like to officially say unclench. With COVID cases on the rise, people still have a lot of questions. Is it safe to travel? Can I still use this as an excuse to get out of stuff? I would like to never work again. So, to help answer these queries, I once again invited members of the CDC to act out various holiday scenelets. So, please keep in mind, they’re not professional actors. They’re simply nerds who are trying their best. And then now the CDC players present going to a restaurant.

Mikey: Hi, I’d like to eat Christmas dinner at your restaurant, please.

Heidi: Sir, I just need to see your vaccination card.

Mikey: I actually can’t find it.

Heidi: You mean you lost the little one inch piece of cardboard they gave you?

Mikey: I’m afraid so.

Heidi: Then you are banished from society. Have fun living in the woods.

Mikey: Okay! And scene.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not right. You can get a replacement card… I think. The important thing is to get vaccinated. And if you’re vaccinated get boosted. And if you’re boosted, maybe want a little top off, a little splash. Anyway, let’s hope this next scene goes better. It’s called Mile High Christmas.

Bowen: Stewardess, I’m traveling home for the holidays, and I’m scared that I’ll get COVID on the airplane.

Ego: Don’t be. Air travel is fairly low risk.

Bowen: Great. I also heard girls can’t get pregnant in the sky. Is that true?

Ego: I don’t know, king. Let’s find out.

Anthony Fauci: No, no, no. That’s not true. That’s not even how sex works. Unless something’s changed. I guess people got pretty lonely during COVID, huh? Yeah, yeah. Now, let’s take a look at how Christmas traditions might look a little different this year in visiting center at the mall.

Santa: Ho, ho, ho. What would you like for Christmas, little girl?

Melissa: Well, Santa… [trying to sit on Santa’s lap]

Santa: Sorry, you can’t sit on my lap anymore. Thanks to the vaccine. My testicles have ballooned in size.

Melissa: Really?

Santa: Yes. They’re as big as grapes now.

Anthony Fauci: Stop! No, no, no, no. That’s just a conspiracy theory. And I am concerned about that particular man. Now, of course, the pandemic has also affected people economically. Keep that in mind as you watch this next scene, two unemployed brothers on Christmas Day.

Andrew Cuomo: Hello, I am disgraced former New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo.

Chris Cuomo: And I’m disgraced former CNN host Chris Cuomo.
Andrew Cuomo: And we both lost our jobs because of COVID.

Anthony Fauci: That’s not why. That’s not why you lost your jobs. Unfortunate, those were not the last public figures you’ll see tonight because when it comes to acting deeply offended about something minor, some of our most gifted performance these days come not from Hollywood but from congress, including the ladies in this next scene Christmas truths.

Lauren Boebert: Hi, I’m Lauren Boebert. And she’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s pronounced Gan. The government has been using this fake disease to strip us of our freedom. Do they think we’re dumb?

Lauren Boebert: Please! Would they give a dumb person a gun? Yes.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: First, they said the shutdowns were until they found a vaccine. Then they found a vaccine and said it worked. Then they said everyone should get it. Then people got it and it saved their lives. If that’s not communism, then honey, I might not know what communism is.

Lauren Boebert: So, Merry Christmas. And remember, guns don’t kill people. People, people, people.

Anthony Fauci: Not helpful. No, no. Alright, here’s the truth guys. We are still in the midst of a pandemic. And that’s not going to change just because we all wished it would go away.

[Ted Cruz walks in]

Ted Cruz: Did somebody say wish it would go away?

Anthony Fauci: Not you. Not you.

Ted Cruz: That’s right. It’s me. The weirdo with the beardo, Ted Cruz.

Anthony Fauci: Ted, what are you doing here?

Ted Cruz: Hey, if you’re sick of seeing me, imagine how sick I am of being me.

Anthony Fauci: So Cruz, how are you handling the pandemic?

Ted Cruz: Oh, textbook bad. This week, I was the one not wearing a mask at Bob Dole’s funeral. Now, you may remember when I ran for President in 2016, Bob Dole said that nobody likes me. And this week, I got him back by not being infectious. But just imagine him looking down at your own funeral and the only face you can see is mine!

Anthony Fauci: That’s disturbing. Well, I think we all learned a lot today. Clearly, this country is divided but I think we can all agree on at least a few things. We all want to spend time together with our families.

Ted Cruz: Or run it back solo to Cancún.

Anthony Fauci: We all want our loved ones to be safe and happy and healthy.

Andrew Cuomo: Family is all we have.

Chris Cuomo: Yeah, as of two weeks ago.

Anthony Fauci: Now, that’s the Christmas spirit. See? We already found some common ground.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: And we can all agree that the Fox News Christmas tree arsonists must be executed.

Anthony Fauci: Maybe not.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Thanksgiving Baking Championship

Host… Alex Moffat

Stacy… Sarah Sherman

Mike… Simu Liu

Sandy… Heidi Gardner

Judges… Ego Nwodim, Pete Davidson, Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Thanksgiving Baking Championship.

[Cut to bakes and the host]

Host: Okay, Baker’s. Time is up. Today’s theme was giving thanks and you had two hours to create cakes based on what you’re most thankful for. First up is home Baker, Stacy.

Stacy: Hi, judges. I can’t believe I’m here.

Ego: We’re glad you are. Now tell us what you made today.

Stacy: Well, I always worried I would never have children. So, this year I’m thankful for my beautiful baby girl who turns three this Thanksgiving. So, my cake is bubblegum sponge covered in sweet vanilla fondant. And my little girl just had her first dance recital so she’s wearing a pink tutu made of Spun Sugar.

Pete: That is adorable. I’m dying.

Stacy: Thank you. I’m almost as proud of her as I am with the cake.

Ego: Oh, well. Let’s see it.

[Stacy shows the judges her cake. It’s bad.]

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up.

Pete: Whoa, Stacy. It looks like you had a little trouble there.

Stacy: Yeah, I messed up. I thought if I pretended to cry, you wouldn’t noticed that my cake was bad.

Aidy: Okay, so where did you go wrong?

Stacy: Yeah. I had trouble was her head. So, I turned into a diaper. And then I put a yellow legs on her. I don’t I don’t know.

Ego: Well let’s sample the cake.

[The judges taste the cake]

Pete: Okay, I’m getting a lot of mustard.

Stacy: Yeah, I do not know how to bake. I also do not have a daughter. I made that all up.

Host: Wow, you are a mess. Next up is home Baker and amateur rapper, Mike.

Mike: Hi, judges. Happy bakesgiving.

Pete: [eating the cake] Ay, cute pun. And Mike, I have to ask. You rap?

Mike: Oh, I really do. And if I may.

[rapping] My name is Mike and I’m here to bake
the make the cake, the–

Aidy: Wow! Got a little tongue tied there. But let’s hear what you’re thankful for.

Mike: Well, this year I’m most thankful for time with friends and family. So, in the spirit of abundance, I made two cakes. So, first is a pilgrim made from butterscotch pound cake and European buttercream. The second cake is a faux Turkey made with Angel Food and caramel icing. Save me a drumstick. Save me a drumstick.

Ego: Wow, two cakes. That’s a fast. Let’s see them.

[Mike shows the judges his cakes. They’re really bad.]

Mike: Yeah, I did it wrong.

Pete: Oh! Mike! What happened?

Mike: I think just total lack of imagination and ability.

Ego: Why did you give the pilgrim red lips?

Mike: I don’t know. I don’t remember doing any of this.

Host: Oh, that’s too bad. Next up is returning contestant, Sandy.

Sandy: Hi, judges. I pulled out all the stops today with my three layer fall Fantasia maple bourbon wedding cake.

[Sandy shows the judges her cake. It looks fantastic.] [the judges are whispering]

Aidy: Okay.

Host: Next up is Ralph.

Sandy: What? No! This is good.

Pete: Well, you said it’s three layers and this is only two.

Sandy: His cake is horrible and you didn’t even taste it.

Ego: Alright, Mike, can we taste you cake?

Mike: Really? Uh, yeah, sure. I guess.

[While Mike tries to cut the cake, the cake opens its eyes and screams]

Ego: Mike did your cake just open its eyes and scream. How’s it doing that?

Mike: I don’t know. I think my cake is so bad, I opened a portal to hell.

Pete: Well, we still need to taste it.

Mike: Of course, of course.

[Mike tries to cut another cake. The cake starts puking.]

Aidy: Mike., did the pilgrim just barf on the turkey?

Mike: I believe it did, ma’am. It’s squeamish, I guess.

Sandy: That’s so disgusting. That is not up to baking challenge standards.

[Mike’s cake turns towards Sandy and starts puking on her]

Oh my god! Ew!

Ego: Well, Sandy, you asked for that.

Mike: Argh! Should I go? I feel like I should go.

Pete: No, Mike, it’s anyone’s game. Ralph?

5: Well, it’s easy to look back at Thanksgivings of old. But what will Thanksgivings be in the future? Thanks to a new era of space travel, we may know sooner than we think. My cake is a tribute to that.

[5 shows the judges his cake. It looks like a penis ejaculating.]

Aidy: Okay. And the white stuff is like the re-entering the atmosphere?

5: Yes, ma’am. And the spunk is icing.

Ego: Looks like we have a tough decision to make.

Sandy: No, you don’t.

Karaoke AllStars

Misty… Chloe Fineman

Rob… Kenan Thompson

Bowen Yang

Ego Nwodim

Neal… Pete Davidson

Finance Guy… Simu Liu

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Wilmington Cable Access. Up next is Karaoke Recap.

[Cut to Karaoke Recap show. Misty and Rob are at the bar singing and dancing.]

Misty: [singing] I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.
Whoo!

Hello. Wow, welcome to karaoke recap here at Bixbie’s Bar and Grill in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Rob: Yes, thank you for coming to my bar. It’s been a long week of drunken singing.

Misty: And we’re just going to show you some of the highlights. Some of y’all sounded like a regular Jesse Timbre-cake. I’m your host, Mr. Barefoot, along with Bixbie’s owner Rob, who has an announcement.

Rob: Oh, yeah. Just a reminder. This equipment is rented. Karaoke rule number one, you must respect the microphone. Do not tap the mic. Do not swing the mic. If you drop the mic, I will drop you.

Misty: Thank you, baby. Now it’s time for our favorite segment, karaoke all stars where we look back at the week’s most special performances.

Rob: Let’s start with our bad choice all stars. These are folks who just picked the wrong song.

Misty: First up, Guy who was doing great until the high notes came in.

[Cut to Bowen singing]

Bowen: [singing] take on me oh no

[he sings worse with high notes]

take me up, help me
I’ll be gone

Rob: Let’s not forget woman who’s been overserved singing “Su Soppa Layla”.

Ego: [singing] Su Soppa Layla
Su Soppa Layla
Su Soppa Layla
Su mama mayja

Rob: Isn’t that a little loose with that Mike? If it breaks I gotta go to get a new one from Radio Shack. You know how hard it is to find a Radio Shack these days? A store whose number one seller is wires?

Misty: Oh, Rob. Your little grumpy. Alright, our next Karoake all star is someone who comes here by himself and always does the same song. It’s mad world by Neal, the quite guy in the hoodie.

Neal: [singing very bad] All around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces

Misty: You know, I gotta be honest, that guy’s given off real Columbine vibes.

Rob: Alright. Let’s keep going with our next All Star, guy who must have chosen the wrong song. But wait a second.

Chris: Yo yo, yo, check it
must know the beat y’all
Y’all know what it is, ha-ha-ha

[singing bad] Since you’ve been gone
I can’t breathe for the first time

Misty: Um, man. He was so talented. Man, he was better than Justin Bubay.

Rob: Justin?

Misty: Bubay. You know him? He’s sung that “Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy”.

Rob: Oh, Justin Bieber. Misty, I love you but you’re starting to worry me. Let’s move on to tonight’s cringe all stars.

Misty: Oh, these are the rough ones. Okay. First we have couple who thought it’d be fun to sing like Homer and Marge Simpson.

[Cut to a couple singing line Homer Simpson and Marge Simpson.]

Rob: It’s not really music. It’s not really music. It’s not really comedy. It’s basically nothing. Speaking of nothing, our next all stars are two German tourists trying their best.

[a couple singing in German accent]

Misty: Yeah. I don’t know what they said but I did like her energy. I did.

Rob: Our next cringe all star comes here every weekend straight from the office. It’s finance bro trying to get laid.

Finance Guy: What’s up? This one’s dedicated to all the ladies in the house. I don’t like the song, but I know you do.

[singing] You are my fire
the one desire
believe I make a lot of money, when I say
I began the dogecoin, I want it that way
tell me why…

Misty: I’m gonna say it makes me regret sleeping with him those seven times.

Rob: Alright, time to look back at our cringy all stars, my Pony by Ginuwine sung by a father and daughter.

[Cut to a father and daughter singing]

Daughter: If you’re horny, let’s do it 

Father: Ride it, my pony

Daughter: You’re doing great, dad.

Father: You too, hun.

Rob: Yeah. Um, you can’t unsee that.

Misty: No you can’t. No you can’t. Alright, time for our final karaoke all star. It’s girl who claims her friend signed her up but we all know the truth.

[Cecily walks in acting shy]

Cecily: Jessica? No. Who put my name in? You guys. I don’t even know what song you picked. Are you serious? Jessica? What–

[suddenly begins to sing]

And I will always love you…

Jessica, seriously?

Rob: Well, that’s it. That’s it for this week’s karaoke recap. Take us out Misty.

Misty: [singing] I found you miss new booty
get it together and bring it back to me.