Eleanor’s House

Eleanor… Aidy Bryant

Richard Carson… Kyle Mooney

Coleen… Heidi Gardner

Burger… Pete Davidson

[Start’s with Eleanor’s House intro]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

[Cut to Eleanor in her home. Her house is very colorful.]

Eleanor: Hi, I’m Eleanor. Welcome back to my house. This is my best friend, Goldie. [pointing at an animated goldfish by her side.]

Goldie: That’s me.

Eleanor: I’m sad today

Goldie: Why?

Eleanor: Because it’s my birthday but I can’t have a party because of this pandemic.

Goldie: You can still have a party. You just have to use your imagination.

Eleanor: Hey, that’s a great idea. An imagination party.

Goldie: Yeah.

Eleanor: Can you help me? Let’s close our eyes and imagine. [doorbell ringing] Oh, that must be our first party guest.] [There’s a animated purple dot at the door]

Dog: Hello and happy birthday Eleanor.

Eleanor: Oh, thank you, purple dog.

Dog: This is such a fun party. Would you mind if I invited a friend?

Eleanor: Of course, the more the merrier.

[doorbell ringing. There’s animated ice cream at the door]

Ice cream: Great party. It’s cool if I invite a friend, right?

Eleanor: Of course. Who is it?

Ice cream: Oh, it’s my buddy from out of town. Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Um, sure.

[Richard Carson walks in]

Richard: Hey there, happy birthday sweetheart. I’m Richard Carson.

Eleanor: Oh, hello. I’m Eleanor.

Richard: My wife Coleen’s in the car changing. But don’t worry. She’ll be here in a second.

[Coleen walks in the door.]

Coleen: Richie, I can’t find my other shoe.

Dog: Eleanor, shall we have some cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Yes, you know, we can imagine any kind of cake we want.

Goldie: Like a big cake?

Eleanor: Yeah. Even the biggest cake in the world.

[Suddenly, there are a lot of people in Eleanor’s party. Richard and Coleen are making out in the middle of the room.]

Jesus Christ. I’m sorry, who are all these people?

Richard: These are our Michigan friends.

Coleen: We met them ATVing.

Eleanor: We need to stop inviting people.

Richard: Hey, it’s a party. Relax. You know, my friend really wants to meet you. He thinks you’re pretty.

Eleanor:  [blushing] Oh, okay.

[Burger walks to Eleanor]

Burger: Hey, I’m Burger. Thanks for having us over.

Eleanor: Oh, sure. Hey. I mean, it’s not big deal. I like to hang out.

Burger: Yeah. I could tell. What do you think about some same room sex later?

Eleanor: What?

Burger: Richard and Coleen going at it and you and I going to town, but like, all in the same room so people could sneak peek.

Eleanor: No, thank you. [walks to Ice Cream] Hey, what’s going on with your friend Richard Carson?

Ice Cream: What? He’s cool. He’s from Vegas.

Eleanor: Well, he needs to get the [bleep] out of my house.

[Two policemen walk in]

Police: Alright, party’s over.

Richard: Hey, I know my rights. I got a note from my doctor saying that I can’t drive sober.

Coleen: Seriously, if he doesn’t party, he dies.

[Richard tries to punch the policemen. He gets tasered.]

Stop it! You’re going to kill him.

Police: [to Eleanor] Ma’am. You need to get your life together.

Eleanor: Yes, yes. Thank you. I will. This always happens. I’m sorry. [everyone leaves] Well, see you next time on Eleanor’s house. [waving]

Children singing: Come on over, it’s Eleanor’s house.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Pete Davidson on Hooking Up During Quarantine

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: And now, joining us over Zoom to explain his experience in the last month is Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Thanks, Colin. It’s great to be here in my basement under strict quarantine. I’m not going near my mom or even answering her texts.

Colin Jost: That’s great. How are you guys holding up?

Pete Davidson: We’re good. You know, I haven’t gotten a face tattoo so far. A lot of people lost that bet. But we’re good, you know? The whole family’s family. Thank god everybody’s staying inside.

Colin Jost: Oh, good. Well, I’m glad they’re taking it seriously.

Pete Davidson: Well, me too, coz you have to understand this is Staten Island where up until now, washing your hands before dinner was known as “coming out of the closer.” But I know this is hard for everyone except you. You know, coz you’re locked in a house with Scarlett Johansson. You’re probably terrified they’re find the cure.

Colin Jost: It’s not true, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I know. I know. But still, you’re one of the lucky ones. You know? Everyone who isn’t a flat Earther is isolating at home right now. Which means you’re either having the most sex in your life or you’re like me and can now identify any pornstar by the back of her head. But it turns out people out there are still trying to hook up. I saw where the city even had to put out a pamphlet last month called “Sex and coronavirus 2019.”

Colin Jost: And what does it say?

Pete Davidson: Well, first it says you could have sex, but don’t kiss anyone. I just love that New York has the same policy as the prostitute in “The pretty woman.” I don’t even know if it’s about the disease or if it’s the city saying, “Don’t get involved. You don’t need that right now.” That’s how crazy this pandemic is. We’re learning that those weirdos who have sex in leather masks have been the smart ones all along. Also, it says the virus is not in semen. So, ladies, prepared to get DM’ed that fact a few thousand times this year. But the craziest thing is that right after they tell you not to kiss, they immediately get into something so dirty, I’m not even allowed to say it on air. So, let’s call em’ “Hiney smoocheroos.” Seriously, I can’t believe I have to sanitize the language of the health department to make it suitable for the show that brought you dick in a box. Here, take a look.

[A picture of the pamphlet appears]

Colin Jost: Oh my god. What?

Pete Davidson: I know. Even I was like, “Geez, nyc.gov, we just met.” I really hope this started out as a very straight forward set of recommendations with no mention of hiney smoocheroos and one government employee was like, “Oh, so I guess we just don’t exist, huh? It’s 2020, you  polyannas!”

Colin Jost: “Polyannas” is not the reference that I expected.

Pete Davidson: I know.

Colin Jost: Was there anything else in there?

Pete Davidson: Yes, yes. They also warn you to wash up before masturbating. Which I already learned the hard way, thanks to a flaming hot cheetos incident.

Colin Jost: So, do you think the pamphlet went too far?

Pete Davidson: No. I’m glad they’re educating people about safe sex. I just never thought I’d get a semi reading dispatches from the health department. Thanks de Blasio.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m glad you’re staying safe. Pete Davidson, everyone!

Pete Davidson: It’s weird without an audience!

Stuck in the House

Pete Davidson

Adam Sandler

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson in his house]

Pete Davidson: I’m stuck in the quar’, got nothin’ to do
I miss my friends, they miss me too
Sick of watchin’ shows and talkin’ on Zoom
Hiding from my mom, whackin’ in the bathroom
Sick of the same old questions (Old questions)
How’s it goin’? How you livin’?
What you bingin’? What’s for dinner?
Tired of the same repetition (repetition)
Grow a ‘stache, shave your head, work out, that’s for bitches
Tired of all the tomfoolery (Yeah)
Tired of my boy who still wears all his jewelry
Tired of sittin’ in the dark (In the dark)
Got nothin’ to watch, already did Ozark
Hand sani’ is now my best friend (My best friend)
Usin’ it so much it’s chappin’ my hands
I can’t wait for all this to end (Oh, man)
So we can go back to doin’ normal shit

Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Yeah)
For like two months been on my couch (Woah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about (Yeah)
It’s quarantine in my house (Woah)

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy, yeah

[Cut to Adan Sandler in his house]

Adam Sandler: I’m done with selfies, so don’t even ask
I’m stayin’ in the house in an underwear mask
Only pet my dog with a baseball mitt
Baking my own bread and it tastes like shit
I broke my leg two weeks ago
But I’m too scared to go to the hospital
Never go outside ’cause I might see my neighbor
Using both sides of my toilet paper
Wife tried to kiss me, I straight-up denied her
Miss the NBA, and I miss Rob Schneider
Tell the GrubHub guy, “Leave food on the street”
I’m so fuckin’ bored, I’m doing songs with Pete

Pete Davidson and Adam Sandler: Stuck with my fam, I can’t get out (Just kiddin’ about da wife)
For like two months been on my couch (All day, every day yeah)
Runnin’ out of things to talk about
It’s quarantine in my house

I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy
I’m goin’ crazy and crazy and crazy

Pete Davidson “Drake” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with Pete Davidson recording in his home] [music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] I’m just– I’m just here to have fun my friend

[Subtitle reads “From his mom’s basement.”]

we’re just making so much money. Wearing watches and getting beautiful women. You know, I’m just wearing this chain and I don’t know what to do. 

Uh-yeah

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
number one on the Billboard
number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

And I need you now
But you in New York and I’m in Macau
I’d be with you, but this is an obstacle
It’s just, it’s not physically possible
Like Mission Impossible, I’m Tom Cruise
Don’t wanna be losin’ you, I take a cruise in you
Penélope Cruisin’ too
I’m a tough guy, but hey, my heart take bruises too, uh

You are my love, you are my love
My baby girl, my number one
My baby girl, my number one
Like my Billboard song

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

This is a Drake song
I miss my ex, this is a Drake song
Number one on the Billboard
Number one on the Billboard

Pete Davidson “Andre 2000” Music Video

Pete Davidson

[Music video starts with video clips of money, cars and Pete Davidson fooling around] [music playing]

Pete Davidson: [rapping] Yeah, this is that new rapper
you know, flexing with everything I’ve got
here we go
it’s for moms
Yeah, VIP (Okay)

I got $2,000
I got $2,000
It looks like a lot in the video
But it’s only $2,000

I’m a new young rapper on the block
About $2,000 is all I got
I put it in the video in every shot
It’s t$2,000, it’s all I got
But it looks good in the video
But it’s only 20 hundreds though
If what I’m rappin’ is good, yo, then
Maybe you won’t notice, oh

I got $2,000 (What?)
I got $2,000
It looks like a lot in the video
But it’s only $2,000

Andre 2000, call me Andre 2000 (What?)
Andre 2000, can’t afford 3000
What?

How Low Will You Go?

Alex Burpee… Beck Bennett

Tara… Ego Nwodim

Hayley… Heidi Gardner

Ashley… Aidy Bryant

Tip… Mikey Day

Dern… Pete Davidson

Townsen… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “How Low Will You Go?” intro]

Male voice: And now, for another episode of “How Low Will You Go?”

[Cut to Alex Burpeein his home. He is wearing a suit.]

Beck: Hello and welcome to “How Low Will You Go?” The only dating show for sexy singles just getting out of that quarantine. I’m your host, Alex Burpee. That’s right. My dad invented laying down and getting up really quick. Now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Tara in her home]

Tara: My name is Tara and halfway through quarantine, you know I broke my vibrator.

[Cut to Heyley]

Heyley: What’s up? I’m Hayley and during quarantine, I broke two vibrators and and electric toothbrush.

[Cut to Ashley]

Ashley: Hey there, it’s Ashley and during quarantine, I straight up murdered all my vibrators. Pretty sure the last one was a suicide though, coz she left a note that said, [showing the note] “You did this.”

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Oh! Ha-ha. Quarantining isn’t easy for anyone. I had to spend all day with my kids. But get this. I’m the dad. Doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to split screen with Beck, Tara, Heyley and Ashley.]

Well, after months of social distancing it’s time for our contestants to test how desperate they are to touch another human. Let’s meet our first warm body, Tip.

Tip: Hello, ladies. I’m Tip.and quarantine wasn’t that bad for me because I was already unemployed and I’m kind of an indoor cat. No friends.

Beck: Sorry, ladies. He’s clearly a nerd.

Tara: I’ll do it.

Beck: Really?

Tara: Look, the last warm thing I touched was sourdough. So, Tip, where would you take me on our first date?

Tip: Well, I’ll take you back to my car and cook you cereal for dinner.

Tara: No, no, no. Shut up. I don’t care. I don’t care. We gonna smash. Just tell me where you live.

Tim: Um, the end of Brooklyn.

Tara: If I sprint, I can be there in 45.

Tim: Sweet.

Beck: Okay. Congratulations to the happy couple. Let’s meet our next non-option, Dern.

Dern: Hey, what’s good? I’m Dern. In lockdown, I wanted to be super productive and I was. I saw every episode of Family Guy. [impersonating Family Guy] Oh, Dernr! Gigidy, gigidy,gigidy. Rock lobster!

Beck: Yeesh. Well, I think it’s safe to say none of our ladies would–

Ashley: Yeah. Okay, he is fun.

Beck: You don’t wanna ask him anything first?

Ashley: No. No. He got the good parts with me. I’m good with him.

Dern: Look, you should know. It’s kind of been a while. So, first time–

Ashley: Yeah, well, I got it. First time’s for you. Second time’s for me. Tale as old as time. Let’s call an Uber.

Beck: Well, that leaves our last contestants. Looks like you’ll have your pick of the litter, Hayley.

Heyley: Whoever is fine.

Beck: Then you wanna at least meet him first?

Heyley: Yeah, sure. Fine.

[Townsen appears. He is wearing a robe and shiny sunglasses.]

Townsen: Hazza and hello?

Heyley: Yeah. He’s fine.

Townsen: My online community of friends call me Townsen.

Heyley: That’s fine.

Townsen: I write non-erotic fiction.

Heyley: Yeah. Good with me.

Townsen: And during quarantine, I invented a board game that’s similar to chess but it’s jacked hobbits versus big boobied centaurs.

Heyley: Whatever.

Townsen: How serendipitous. A union.

Heyley: But, um, just so you know, Im looking for something serious. My brother got engaged over quarantine and it lit a fire under my ass that could melt steel.

Townsen: Oh. No, no, no, no can do, baby. Townsen don’t do commitment. Townsen like to play.

Heyley: God! These past few months have been so hard for me.

Beck: Thanks for watching “How Low Will You Go?” I’m Beck. And when can I stop washing my hands?

[The End]

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

Airport Sushi

Chris Redd

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Bird… Kenan Thompson

Sushi Chef… Cecily Strong

Mouse… Alex Moffat

Air-hostess… Chloe Fineman

Aunt Annie… Kate McKinnon

Baby… Beck Bennett

Jake Gyllenhaal

Mikey Day

Bowen Yang

David Byrne

[Starts with Chris and Pete buying stuffs at airport store.]

Chris: Yeah, I’ll get this Chobani Yogurt with no spoon to eat it with please.

Pete: Yeah, and I’d like a bottle of water that will roll to the back of the plane as soon as we take off.

John: Alright. $15, Dasani water, extra plastic.

Pete: And, you know what? I will grab a sushi too.

[John looks at Pete with shock]

John: I’m sorry?

Pete: The sushi, you know? The spicy tuna roll that’s sitting in on the display case next to the ham and cheese panini.

John: [hesitating] You’re sure you wanna eat the sushi?

Chris: You’re buying sushi at LaGuardia airport? Have you lost your damn mind?

Pete: What? I want a nice balance of carbs and protein. Just sell me the sushi, man.

John: Your wish is my command, Kimasabi. [speaking in loud voice] Oh, phantom of LaGuardia, why don’t you tell this fine young man how he’ll feel after he eats our sushi?

[music playing] [A bird wearing a mask appears.] [The store changes into a performance stage. There’s smoke and lights.]

Bird: [singing] In dreams it’s haunting you
that fish you ate
the expiration date
ends in one-eight
and still you’re choosing it
as food for plane
The Phantom of LeGuardia is there
it smells insane

Sushi Chef: I am the sushi chef
that made that roll
the fish inside of it
crawled out of hole
yet you’re consuming it
this great mistake
you’d honestly be so much better off
eating a Wuhan snake

[music stops]

Chris: Is he supposed to be a pigeon?

John: No. He’s one of the geese that took down Sully’s plane.

Bird: Miracle on the Hudson. More like, massacre in the sky.

Pete: And there’s just a bird loose in the terminal?

John: Of course, there is. Haven’t you been to LaGuardia before?

[music playing] [singing] I like to be at LaGuardia
lots of delays at LaGuardia
two small for planes at LaGuardia

Bird: Watched a man die in LaGuardia

Sushi Chef: Baggage claim carousel cling clang

John: Outlets are there for a cool prank

Sushi Chef: Ha-ha, loose fire hangs from the ceiling
Bird: Gives you a skanky old feeling

[a mouse and an air-hostess join them]

All: I like to be at LaGuardia
It’s time to breathe at LaGuardia
we might have sealed LaGuardia
who can we blame for LaGuardia?

[music stops] [Aunt Annie runs in]

Aunt Annie: I’ll tell you who you can blame.

John: Aunty orphan Annie?

[music playing]

Aunt Annie: When anything’s bad, De Blasio
throw your hands up and say De Blasio
you’ll feel shamed
I know some of it was Mike Bloomberg
but it still feels like De Blasio is to blame

Sushi Chef: Why are there five planes on the tarmic?

Aunt Annie: But the taxis must stay three miles away

All: De Blasio, De Blasio
the cops hate De Blasio
he’ll keep every song away

[music stops]

John: And look, here comes [everyone starts snapping their fingers] a crying baby about to board a trans-continental flight.

[a baby walks in snapping his finger.] [music playing]

Baby: Gu-gu-ga-ga, gu-gu-ga-ga
I’m screaming cry voice
got a stripe rope in my diaper
oh, it’s a stinky stool boy

John: Just play it cool, baby. Real cool.

Baby: If my parents are looking for me, which they’re not, I’ll be in the kid’s playground that’s also a pet relief area. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

John: Wow, they let a baby through security.

[Jake walks in. He’s wearing pajamas.]

Jake: Did someone say security?

[cheers and applause]

John: Hello, guy who travels in pajamas.

Jake: That’s right. I dress so that TSA could have easy access to my body.

[music playing]

So, if you care to search me
I’ll spread my legs real wife

I’ll even bend over for you
you can take a peek inside

[Jake starts levetating]

you can tell that I enjoy security
you can search way up in my cavity
you can pack me down
you don’t have to use the front of your hands

[music stops]

John: Okay, Jesus. We get it. You can continue on to Cleveland now.

Jake: How did you know I was going to Cleveland?

John: That’s where everyone at LaGuardia is going, like it or not.

[Jake levetates away] [Mikey is announcing from the United Express booth.]

Mikey: Attention, we have  gate change for passengers going to Cleveland. Your old gate was A-7. Your new gate is G-46. It is physically impossible for you to make it to that gate in time and the plane will leave indeed. Thank you.

Pete: Man, I told you we should have left at JFK.

[Bowen walks in. He’s an Asian wearing a mask.]

Bowen: Ha-ha. And I guess I should have stayed home.

[John moves away from him screaming]

Oh, relax! I’m not sick. I’m just…

[music playing] profiled Asian
standing beside you
if I cough then it’s over
you’ll get off the plane
profiled Asian
no, I wasn’t in “Parasite”
I know the virus is bad but
it’s coming from Italy too

[music stops]

Chris: Man, this airport is it’s own world.

John: Yes. A third world.

[David walks in. He is a baggage handler.]

David: And if you stay here long enough, you will learn the mysteries of LaGuardia.

John: Wow, it’s the baggage handler who tosses everyone’s suitcase into Long Island sound.

David: That’s right. And you should know that…

[music playing]

All: We’re on a plane to nowhere
hop on in side

they say it’s about to take off
but that is a lie
sure, it will start to taxi
but then it comes back
we’re on a road to one motel
overnight, let’s go find

Talent Show

Devin… Mikey Day

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Principal Rigen… Kenan Thompson

Roberta… Tina Fey

Susan… Melissa Villaseñor

Leslie Jones

Devin… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Devin and Tyler performing in a talent show. They’re both wearing karate gee. Tyler is holding a fort and Devin is about to hit it.]

Devin: Using the raw power of my right hand, I will chop this fort in half.

Tyler: Wait, Devin, what if you hit my chest and my heart stops?

Devin: Good point. Never mind, we withdraw from competition because we are afraid.

[Devin and Tyler bow. Principal Rigen walks in.]

Principal Rigen: Okay. let’s give it up for Devin and Tyler. Ha-ha. [audience clapping] Right. Devin and Tyler. Two 18 old boys terrified by a piece of wood. Ain’t that nice. Ha-ha. Alright now. Up next is Susan Turners performing with her mother’s last PTA majority whip, Roberta Turners.

[Roberta and Susan walk to the stage]

Roberta: Whoo! Hello! Livingston high school, class of 2018, how we doing, Lions? Rawr! Fun. Anyway, I am Roberta.

Susan: I am Scissors.

Roberta: She is Susan.

Susan: Don’t run with me. I’ll poke your eye out.

Roberta: Okay. Spooky! Susan’s going through a bit of a phase. I’m sure all your parents can understand that.

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No, my son is his own person and I respect his choices.

[Cut to Roberta and Susan]

Roberta: Okay. Wow, you really hung me out to dry there. Well, everybody, we are performing the very same mother-daughter routine that we did at her first grade talent show. [sobbing] Oh, my god. Okay.

Susan: For the record, I wanted to do a different song.

Roberta: Okay. The song choice is final. DJ, hit it.

[music playing] [Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Roberta: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “Where you gonna live your life right?”

Susan: [singing] Well, maybe I just wanna live my life wrong
Bill Gates never went to college, mom!

Roberta: Okay, stop. Susan, can I speak to you in private?

[Principal Rigen walks in]

Principal Rigen: Ha-ha, okay. Alright. Little mother-daughter moment there folks. They’ll be back momentarily. Ah, now, some of y’all might be wondering, “Why is Principal Rigen’s allowing this to continue?” Well, the answer is, Roberta and I have a sexual relationship. And, yeah, the phrase ‘no strings’ was throwing around a lot at the beginning. Yet here I am obligated to assist. Isn’t sex funny like that to y’all?

[Cut to Leslie Jones in the audience]

Leslie Jones: No. Sex isn’t funny. It’s beautiful and sacred.

[Cut to the stage]

Principal Rigen: Okay, so you just disagree with everybody? Huh?

[Roberta and Susan walk to stage again]

Roberta: Sorry for the disruption. I think Susan might be a little hermonal.

Susan: Argh!

Roberta: Okay. DJ, hit that track.

[music playing] [Roberta and Susan are rocking their bodies]

Susan: [singing] I come home in the morning light
My mother says, “I can’t drive you to the protest, Susan. I have book club.” Mom?

Roberta: Alright. That’s enough. Okay, Susan, may I have a word with you in the wings please?

Susan: Argh!

[Principal Rigen walks in again]

Principal Rigen: It’s like, you know, one day we just banging, you know? But then the next day, it’s like, “Hey, can you take Susan to school? You already going there, right?” And then it’s like, “Oh, I’m getting groceries now. Alright.” And now I’ma be making a fool out of myself. Well, you know what? Why don’t we just move on to the next act. Give it up for Dylan and his amazing invisible box.

[Devin walks in. He acts like he is putting his hand on the box, then stepping on it. Then he leaves the stage.]

Principal Rigen: Well, I mean the booty is worth it. You know? Like, the booty is worth it, y’all.

[Roberta and Susan walk in]

Roberta: Okay, okay. Now, Susan has generously agreed to cooperate. DJ, play the song.

Susan: Yeah, Brandon, play the song.

[The DJ plays the song “Chop Suey” by System Of A Down.]

Roberta: Oh, Susan, turn this off right this instant.

Susan: [singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup
Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup
Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: Stop. This is last warning. I’ll call the authorities. [looks at the audience] Everyone’s nodding. I think they love it.

[The audience are doing the headbang]

I think I love it.

Susan: There’s a part where you come in at mom.

Roberta: We’re doing this together?

Susan: Yeah.

[singing] Wake up!
Grab a brush and put a little makeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Hide the scars to fade away the shakeup

Roberta: You wanted to

Susan: Why’d you leave the keys upon the table?

Roberta: You wanted to

Oh, this song is fun. I like this.

Royal Wedding

Prince Harry… Mikey Day

DeShawn… Chris Redd

Kate Middleton… Cecily Strong

Prince Charles… Beck Bennett

Queen Elizabeth… Kate McKinnon

Meghan’s uncle… Kenan Thompson

Prince William… Alex Moffat

Amber… Heidi Gardner

Sefdevin… Tina Fey

Russell Brand… Pete Davidson

Elton John… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Prince Harry making video at Royal Wedding Reception at Frogmore House]

Prince Harry: What’s up? It’s your boy, Harry Windsor, a.k.a., grown sleezely. Yeah. Official wedding video, 2018. It’s 2 AM, royal reception still going strong. Meghan’s out in the hallway trying to stop some of her white relatives from getting in coz they’re mental. But let’s see who’s hanging out. Right? Everybody’s here. Right?

[Prince Harry walks to 2]

What about you? What’s your name?

DeShawn: DeShawn.  I’m from Meghan’s side of family.

Prince Harry: Alright. I kind of figured that, right? How are you feeling tonight?

DeShawn: Um, outnumbered but good, man.

Prince Harry: Yeah.

[3 walks pass]

Oh, sis-in-law, Kate Middleton, right? You look a little tipsy, Kate.

Kate Middleton: Well, yeah. You know, for the past six years, I’ve been like, pregnant the whole time. So, I’m going hard tonight.

Prince Harry: Yeah. I can tell. I can tell. How much have you had to drink?

Kate Middleton: One glass of champagne, whoooo!

Prince Harry: Lightweight, lightweight. [turns around and sees his father] Oh, there he is. My dad, Prince Charles himself. So, pop, you proud of your youngest son?

Prince Charles: Yes.

Prince Harry: Anything else you’d like to say?

Prince Charles: No.

Prince Harry: Okay, then. Alright. Um, look at this combo here. Meghan’s great uncle talking to my grandmom, the queen of England. [They are sitting at the dining table]

Uncle: [he is drunk] Ay! Harry, man, I was just telling her majesty here that she has got to start watching “The Crown” because they make her look like a bitch on that show. Girl, they’re doing you dirty.

Queen Elizabeth: See, this gentleman has also said that I must visit Philadelphia.

Uncle: Yes! You got to visit Philly, man, and get some real food. Some Philly food.

Prince Harry: Alright. Little drunk. Good luck with that. Oh, now, get a shot of my brother William, the party animal right here.

[Prince William is drinking tea.]

He looks 50 years old.

Prince William: Oh! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Prince Harry: Hey, how you doing? Chilling alone? Right? Right? What are you drinking, mate?

Prince William: Virgin Hot Toddy.

Prince Harry: So, a tea then. So sorry to hear that your hair could not make it.

Prince William: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha. Brilliant! What a brilliant boy.

Prince Harry: Come on, dance, mate.

Prince William: No. I’m okay.

Prince Harry: Wills, come on. It’s my reception.

Prince William: Well, I suppose I could pass a few.

Prince Harry: There you go.

[Prince William and Prince Harry dance for the camera for some time.]

There you go.

Prince William: Oh, no. Grand mom just saw that. Bullocks!

[Queen Elizabeth is staring furiously at them]

Prince Harry: It’s alright. It’s my fault. Grandma, my fault.

Prince William: Apologize to grand mom.

Prince Harry: Enough family. Let’s go this way. Let’s go see the sheep sheets. We’ll say hi to the rando table. Every wedding’s got one. It’s the people who show up even though you didn’t think they would. Right? So, we’re gonna go say hi. It’s the polite thing to do. So, follow me. [Prince Harry walks through the door] Come on. Here we go. [walks to guests at the table] Alright, hello. How are you?

Amber: Hi.

Prince Harry: How are you doing? You friend of Meghan?

Amber: Yeah. I’m Amber. I worked with Meghan on “Deal or No Deal.” We were briefcase. We were briefcase girls together. I brought my briefcase. [she shows a briefcase to Prince Harry]

Prince Harry: You did. She brought the briefcase. Alright, that’s not sad at all. That’s very cool. I love it. [Prince Harry walks to another guest] Oh, let me guess, you’re from the groom side.

Sefdevin: Yes. I’m Dr. Sefdevin Pon Comp. Your father’s uncle once removed, married my mom who is his cousin. So, I am both your aunt and your niece.

Prince Harry: Lovely.

Sefdevin: Last I saw you, you were we wee boy. it was after polo match in comp.

Prince Harry: Alright, stop saying comp.

Sefdevin: And I was kicked in the face by a horse.

Prince Harry: Oh, yeah. Aunty Creepy. Oh, my lord. Dad used to say if we were bad, we’d have to come live with you.

Sefdevin: Ha-ha-ha. Right, he was because I’m the monster and bit of a paedophile.

Prince Harry: Okay. Wish you well here. Thank you for coming. Here’s your hat. That’s concerning. Alright, let’s go to the celebrity table. Russell Brand!

Russell Brand: Yeah!

Prince Harry: Alright. That’s all. And oh, sir Elton John. Yeah!

Elton John: [singing] Hold me closer, tight,
coz we’re here

Prince Harry: Yeah. Very clever. Yeah. You enjoying yourselves?

Elton John: Look at my jacket, Harry. What do you think? I’m having a wonderful Saturday! [singing]

Prince Harry: Singing the heat. Alright. Oh, he’s an American celebrity, miss Leslie Jones.

[Prince Harry walks to Leslie Jones.]

Yeah? Thank you. Leslie, tell everyone why you’re here.

Leslie Jones: Yeah. So, I started tweeting about the wedding 2 days ago. And then I got invited. Just like the olympics. That’s my thing. I might be at that North Korean meeting. We’ll see. Where Oprah at? Oh, there she goes. [yelling] Oprah!

[Leslie Jones walks away]

Prince Harry: Okay. This is wild. Oh-oh! Look what’s going on over there. Aunt Creepy! [His aunt is kissing DeShawn] Alright, watch out. She is a paedophile. Alright, I need to stop DeShawn from making the worst mistake of his life. Royal 2018. Prince Harry Markle, signing off, right? Yeah!