Who Works Here?

Catherine Maeks… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Donald… Taran Killam

Debra… Sasheer Zamata

Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Kevin… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

[Starts with ‘Who Works Here?’ intro]

Male voice: And now live from the CVS on 14th and first, it’s America’s newest game show ‘Who Works Here?’ with your host Catherine.

[Catherine walks in] [cheers and applause]

Catherine: Hello. Hello everyone and welcome to ‘Who Works Here?’ where contestants have to examine the people wandering this CVS and determine who the hell works here. Now normally, this is when we get to know our contestants but I met them back stage and I gotta say they’re unbelievably dull

[The contestants are smiling and nodding their heads]

So, let’s get started. Jessica you’re up first. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Cecily looking around in the store. She has a blue shirt and a blue hat on.]

Jessica: Hah, well she looks like an employee. [calling Cecily] Excuse me. [Cecily is pretending she can’t hear] Excuse me? [Cecily looks at Jessica angrily] Excuse me ma’am.

Cecily: Ma’am?

Jessica: Sorry. Miss, do you know what isle the hand soap is on?

[Cecily pretends as she didn’t hear her]

Okay, I’m gonna say she does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, I’m so sorry. She’s actually the Assistant Manager but she is on break. And she chooses to spend her break standing motionless in the center of CVS. Donald, you’re up. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Aidy. She is wearing the blue shirt and has a yellow patch on it. She is throwing stuffs around.]

Donald: Well, let’s see. She is actively destroying the store which seems like a bad thing for an employee to do. But she is wearing a button that says ‘Ask me for help. I work here.’ Um, I’m not buying it. She does not work here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Hey, correct. She does not work here. She’s just a local vagrant that parades around the store once a day while our security guard takes his usual 40 minute bathroom break. Nice work Donald.

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Well, I know my way around this CVS Catherine.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: What does that mean?

[Cut to Donald]

Donald: Just– j– It has isles.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: See? Dull. Debra, it’s your turn. Does this person work here?

[Cut to Kevin walking around in casual outfit with two gallons]

Kevin: I work here. I work here. I work here. I work here.

[Cut to Debra]

Debra: Well, he keeps saying ‘I work here’. I’m gonna stick with my gut and say that he does not work here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, that was a tough one. But he actually does work here… as a prostitute. I admit that one was very tricky one. Thanks Kevin.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I don’t work here. Wheee!

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: And now, we move on to our lighting round.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: I’m sorry. Do you mean lightning?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: No. Lighting. We just flick the lights on and off a bunch and see what kind of weirdos emerge from the back of the store. And you tell us who works here. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Okay, that guy!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Pete.]

That guy gave me my prescription at the pharmacy but somehow, I don’t think he works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: That’s exactly right. He just showed up and started passing out drugs and no one ever questioned it. Alright, here we go, round two and go.

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Debra]

Debra: And him!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kenan. He is wearing security uniform.]

That’s the security guard. He used the bathroom for 40 minutes.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, so close. But that’s actually a security guard from Right Aid who just comes in to use our bathroom.

[As Kenan puts the magazine back on the shelf, we can see toilet tissues hanging behind him on his pants.]

And he’s putting the magazine back on the shelf. That’s great. And go!

[Cut to the isles. The lights are switching on and off. Some people are just running around.] [Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: Okay, her!

[The people running around pause and light focuses on Kate.] [Cut to Jessica]

There is no way she works here.

[wrong answer buzzer] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, she is actually our Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You said that the first woman was the Assistant Manager.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Well, everyone at CVS is at least an Assistant Manager. But interesting side note, she is dead. Died in the store 90 years ago.

[Cut to Jessica]

Jessica: You know, I saw a show about ghost once.

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Wow, great story Jessica. And now, there’s only one person left. [Cut to Leslie. She’s wearing a black suit.] And maybe this will help.

[music playing] [Leslie starts dancing] [Cut to Donald]

Donald: Hmm. I guess I’m gonna say she works here.

[right answer bell] [Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: Oh, you’re darn right she does, Donald. She’s actually a full Manager. So technically, all she is to do is dance. And you should dance too Donald because you’re our big winner.

[Cut to Donald dancing]

Donald: Oh, my god! What did I win?

[Cut to Catherine]

Catherine: I don’t know. I don’t actually work here. Thanks for playing.

[The End]

Affair with Chad

Chad… Pete Davidson

Miss Hanler… Julia Louis-Dreyfus

Toby… Nick Jonas

[Starts with Chad cleaning the pool listening to the music] [Miss Hanler gets back home]

Miss Hanler: Chad! Chad!

Chad: [turns around] Wad up, miss Hanler?

[Chad walks in]

Hey.

Miss Hanler: Oh, my god.

[Chad and Miss Hanler start kissing]

Oh, oh. No, no Chad. We can’t do this anymore.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad turns around and walks]

Miss Hanler: Wait. I couldn’t sleep last night.

Chad: Oh, I hate that.

Miss Hanler: What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who is having an affair with her 23 year old poolboy? I mean, [hand gesturing] what is this?

Chad: Your kitchen.

Miss Hanler: No. I mean us. I really hope you understand that we have to end this.

Chad: Okay.

[Cut to Miss Hanler walking in her kitchen talking]

Miss Hanler: God, I had no idea it would be this hard. It’s just when we first–

[engine noise] [Cut to Chad. He is already at the pool outside cleaning it.]

Chad!

Chad: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: You deserve an explaination.

Chad: Oh, okay. Cool.

[Chad turns the engine off and walks in]

Miss Hanler: Look. You’ve done nothing wrong. Okay? I should have known better. But I don’t know. It was just– it was fun. It was new.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: But my god, I’m a married woman with three kids. My husband’s in the city council. I’ve put PTA present in at Melony’s school.

Chad: Who is Melony?

Miss Hanler: My daughter.

Chad: Okay.

Miss Hanler: God, if this got out it would just ruin my life. Our family’s lives.

Chad: Ah, my bad.

Miss Hanler: But all I want to do is clear the bags off this table and take me right down.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad starts putting the bags down.]

Miss Hanler: But you can’t.

Chad: Oh, okay.

[Chad puts the bags back on the table.]

Miss Hanler: Because I’ve learned that sometimes getting what you want means losing what you already have. [takes an envelope out] Look, I wrote this for you last night.

Chad: Oh, okay. [takes the envelope.]

Miss Hanler: Oh my god, I’m blushing. [closing eyes] I just want you to know that I’m not a very good writer. I mean it’s not sophisticated but it’s how I feel. I mean every word of what I wrote.

Chad: Whoa! [Cut to Chad. He is at the pool and he has found a dead squirrel] Hey, Miss Hanler, I found a dead squirrel in your pool. [He just throws the squirrel away and starts cleaning the pool] [Miss Hanler walks to the door and watches Chad clean the pool.]

Miss Hanler: Good bye, Chad.

[grass cutter engine sound] [Miss Hanler looks at lawn] [Cut to Toby using the grass cutter.]

Hello.

Toby: Wad up?

Miss Hanler: Where is Phillip?

Toby: My uncle just hired me. I’m going to be doing your house now. I’m Toby.

[Cut to Miss Hanler.]

Miss Hanler: [smiling] I wanna fuck that kid.

[The End]