Press Junket

Dakota Johnson

Interviewer… Taran Killam

Kate McKinnon

Peter… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Fifty Shades of Grey press room. Dakota is doing an interview.]

Dakota: The franchise has such a dedicated fan base. So, I really wanted to make sure I did the character justice.

Interviewer: Oh, great! Great! That’s just great. Well, you can for this tomorrow in the Detroit Free press.

[Interviewer smiles and leaves] [Kate walks to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my god! I hate these things. Please tell me that was the last one.

Kate: Dakota, you’re doing great! I promise you’re gonna like this next one. He’s a student at Franklin Middle School. Peter, you can come in.

[Cut to Peter walking in. He is dressed geeky.]

Peter: Hi, Dakota. Oh, my name is Peter Scholfinly and I always get the scoop. Especially if it’s icecream.

[Cut to Dakota, Kate and Peter]

Dakota: [laughing] Oh, my god. You’re so sweet.

Kate: Peter writes a showbiz column for the Franklin flyer. And, um, here he’s got some questions about what it’s like being a real movie star.

Dakota: Alright, just go easy on me.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Of course, of course. Well, let’s jump right in. So, in your new movie, there’s a lot of kissing. Was it gross?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] Well, Pete, when you’re making a movie, the secret is to remember that it’s all pretend.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Got it. Acting equals pretending. Now, in the film, during one of your first violent sexual encounters with Kristen Grey, he ties you to a bed, removes your blouse and blindfolds you. Right?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Yeah!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: He then uses an ice cube to trace along the body of your curves pausing at your exposed breasts. I gotta ask. Was it cold?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, yeah, it was cold.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: This is a great stuff. Ice cube was cold. Moving on…

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Peter, have you seen the movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Yes, but I might have a bit of a time crisis, so let’s limit the interruptions.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate. Kate looks speechless.] [Cut to Peter]

Now, when Kristen shows you his playroom for the first time, you asked if there was an Xbox in there. I gotta ask. Does your character play video games?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] That’s a good question. I don’t think she does.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Alright. She prefers twisted games of sexual pain and domination.

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Kate: Okay, Peter. I don’t think this is appropriate subject matter for your school paper.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Actually, that’s something for my editor to decide. So, you mind getting me a water?

[Cut to Dakota and Kate]

Dakota: Oh, my!

Peter: Thank you so much.

[Kate leaves to get water.] [Cut to Peter]

Peter: Ms. Johnson, to be totally honest, what I really wanna know is how do I talk to the girls in my class?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: [continuing the same question] …into choking me hard while I wear a human pony harness?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Oh, my! I don’t think I can answer any more question. How were you even allowed to see this movie?

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: My dad took me last Friday. And on Saturday. And three times on Sunday. It’s his favorite movie.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [speechless] Oh!

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Because of artists like you, my father and I get to have a little bit of time together. Well, anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.

[cut to Dakota and Peter]

Dakota: No, Peter. It’s okay. Why don’t we just finish the interview?

Peter: You mean it?

Dakota: Yeah, absolutely.

Peter: Wow, okay.  [Cut to Peter] Now, in the book, um, Anastasia says, I’m paraphrasing here, “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat. He’s my very own Kristen Grey flavored popsicle.”

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless] [Cut to Peter]

Like I said, I love popsicles. What’s your favorite dessert?

[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]

Dakota: I guess, I like pie.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Hmm, delicious! My readers will love–

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Okay, well, Peter, I wish you the best of luck. And it was so nice to meet such a curious young man.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: Wait, I almost forgot. I end all my interviews with this question. Woody or Buzz Lightyear?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, probably Buzz, I guess.

[Cut to Peter]

Peter: I knew it, Ms. Johnson. I think you’re really gonna like this piece.

[Cut to a news paper article with the topic, “I had sex with Buzz”. It has photos of Dakota Johnson and Buzz from Toy Story.]

Peter, Paula & Murray

Alex Moffat

Peter… David Harbour

Paula…

Murray…

[Starts with Fold of the Past intro]

Announcer: We now return to “Folk of the past” with look back at this 1962 performance of the “The Bob Rodgers Show.”

[Cut to Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Thank you. Thank you. And welcome back to the show. Tonight’s sponsor is Green Jell-o. It’s a vegetable. Now for my comedy monologue. My ugly wife shops too much.

[Cut to the audience whooping] [Cut to Alex Moffat]

All right. I’d like to give a warm welcome to our next act, a folk trio that’s been sweeping the nation with their chart-toping lullabies about life. Put your hands together for Peter, Paula and Murray!

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Peter, Paula and Murray]

Peter: Hi, everyone. Did you know that over the course of our lives we spend 38 days brushing our teeth?

Paula: We spend 48 days making love, and three full years sitting in traffic.

Murray: We each have one life to live on this earth, and we measure it in numbers. And that’s why we wrote this song.

Paula:  I spent, one, two, three years
curling my hair that’s already curly

Murray:  Three years thinking I look good in hats

Peter: Four years begging god to make my penis bigger

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you

Paula: I spent one, two, three years
hiding from people I don’t want to talk to

Murray: Three years thinking Maine was a town in Vermont

Peter: Four years trying to hold in my farts in public

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you

Peter: You know, on this musical tour, we’ve driven 500 miles and stayed in 82 hotels.

Paula: I drive our folk bus at 15 miles per hour on the highway. And I’ve gotten 200 parking tickets.

Murray:  Last night I saw five shooting stars, and I slept with a man 32 years my senior.

Paula: I’ve spent one, two, three years
wondering if my close friends hate me

Murray: Three years pretending to be French, bonjoure,

Peter: Four years with a goatee that said I’m a virgin magician

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you

Paula: I spent $1,000 on the cat
that scratched me right in my cornea

Murray: $2,000 on a pontoon boat that led to a divorce

Peter: $3,000 on a fine for showing my junk at a little league game

Peter: More or less dollars
looking for my last view

Paula: I’ve spent one, two years
eating pizza in the dark like there was a gun to my head

Murray: Three years changing the diapers of a kid emancipated from me

Peter: Four years pretending to be sick while I was in the army

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you

Peter: Our group has been together two decades. We’ve lost four additional members to cults and orthodox religions.

Paula: We’ve spent so much time together in the van we share everything. Hair brushes, hats, head lice.

Murray: I dated Peter for 12 years and I kissed her once. But I still think about it every day.

Paula: Me, too.

Peter: Me, too.

Paula: I spent eight, nine, ten years
married to the first man who used his mouth

Murray: 15 years taking birth control to have sex with no one

Peter: 18 years raising a son who does stand-up about my painting

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years

Paula: I’ve spent one, two, three weeks
wearing a tampon I forgot I had in there

Murray: Ten years with a dog that turned out to be a rat

Peter: 12 hours standing on abridge saying “Do it you coward”

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for you

Paula: I spent one, two, three years
having dinner with my family

Murray: 100 days laughing and 200 waiting in line

Peter: Five years imagining a threesome with my band mates

Peter, Paula and Murray: Five long years waiting for.. five long years
All my years waiting for you

[Cheers and applause]