Tag: Peter Pan

Peter Pan

Kyle Mooney

Captain Hook… Sam Rockwell

Peter Pan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a book “Peter Pan” opening.] [Cut to a ship where there are pirates and four hostages tied to a pole]

Kyle: We are on tie right now, Hook. Peter Pan is sure to catch wind of your plan. And when he dies, you’ll be sorry.

Captain Hook: Peter Pan, Peter Pan. Peter Pan can offer you the lost boys half there is as I can. Join me in my pirate and a life of adventure will be your’s forever.

[music playing] [Captain Hook starts dancing]

Pirates: [singing] Yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho, yo-ho
you’ll love a life of a thief
You’ll relish the life of a crook
And you’ll get treasures by the ton
Join up with Captain Hook!

Hostage: Yes! Yes! Yes!

Captain Hook: That’s right, boys. Now you’re part of crew.

Pete: So, what do we do first? Loot some treasure?

Mikey: The lost boys are here to serve you.

Captain Hook: Hmm. Before we get to the main pirate stuff, let me ask you a question.

Mikey: What is it, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: Is this weird?

Luke: Is what weird?

Captain Hook: Just… I don’t know. The fact that I’m sort of encouraging all these young guys to hang out with my boat. Just from an optic stand point. Is that gonna look weird?

Pete: I don’t think it’s weird. I think it’s fun.

Captain Hook: Well, I think it’s fun too. I’m having a great time. But, it’s just that in today’s climate, does this good really, really bad?

Mikey: No, it’s exciting.

Captain Hook: You say that now but how about when you grow up?

Luke: But we won’t grow up. We can’t.

Pete: Yeah. We’re in these pre-teen boy bodies forever.

Kenan: I’m gonna go.

Captain Hook: Huh? Where are you going?

Kenan: I’m not gonna make a big deal about it. Just gonna go ahead and get out of here. Yeap.

[Kenan jumps out of the ship.]

Captain Hook: Oh, my god! It is weird. It is weird. Hey, do you think it’s weird?

Beck: I’m okay so far.

Mikey: What are you so worried about, Mr. Hook?

Captain Hook: I just don’t want anyone to misinterpret my motives here.

Luke: Well, what are you motives?

Captain Hook: I just think boys are fun. They have youthful energy and they are up for anything.

Pete: Yeah. Like, in a harmless Michael Jackson way.

Beck: Okay, I’m out too. Forward my check, okay?

[Beck jumps out of the ship too.]

Captain Hook: Oh, god! No!

Mikey: Don’t worry, Mr. Hook. We’ll never say anything bad about you.

Captain Hook: Then what are you going to say? Let’s practice.

Pete: I don’t know. Just that we hang around in dirty pajamas and party with older guys  with earrings.

Kyle: Yeah. Kind of like a Bryan singer pool party vibe.

Captain Hook: Okay, okay. Can I just say for the record that if you guys never grow up, you can technically be 40 years old and I would have no idea.

Mikey: I’m 14.

Luke: I’m 10.

Pete: I’m a tall nine.

Kyle: I’m 36. So, I’m realizing I’m also in sort of a weird spot right now.

Captain Hook: Oh my god!

[Peter Pan jumps into the ship]

Hostages: Peter!

Peter Pan: Well, well, you very bad man. [showing Captain Hook his small knife]

Captain Hook: Oh my god. What have you had?

Peter Pan: All I know is it’s time for one of our special sword fights. I know mine is smaller than your’s but I’ll still stick it in you.

Captain Hook: That’s it for me. The ship’s your’s. Consider this hush money.

[Captain Hook also jumps out of the ship] [The hostages and Peter Pan start celebrating] [Cut to the book closing]

Peter Pan Live

Michael…Kyle Mooney

Windy… Kate McKinnon

Peter Pan… Cecily Strong

John… Beck Bennett

Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant

Captain Hook… James Franco

[Starts with Peter Pan intro]

Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.

[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]

Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.

Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?

[Cut to everybody.]

Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan!

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy!

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.

[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]

Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.

[Cut to the fairy]

Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.

[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.] [Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.

[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]

Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.

[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]

Hit it boys.

[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]

Crew: Are you a scary pirate?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: And when we do all the singing

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.

Captain Hook: Yes!

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.

[music playing.] [singing] I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know, if you know what I mean

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.

[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.] [Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]

Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life!

[They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: Talkabell, you’re weird.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.

[The bat walks in]

Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?

Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all!

[The End]