The War in Words William and Lydia

William Macintosh … Mikey Day

Lydia … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with History Channel show schedule]

Announcer: You’re watching the History Channel. Coming up at eight, “Hell On Wheels; Hitler’s Secret Super Car.” But now, it’s “The War In Words: Letters From the Front.”

[Cut to pictures of fighter pilot and his wife]

Narrator: The letters of English fighter pilot William Macintosh of the royal air force to his wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh writing a letter]

William Macintosh: My dearest Lydia, ever since we crossed the channel to France, I have seen nothing but death and destruction. [Cut to Lydia reading the letter] Yet in this darkness, you provide light. [Cut to William Macintosh] Though I may be in hell, you are my perfect angel. Your husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, thank you. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear wife, you’re welcome. In future letters though, if ever at a loss for words, please find some. For your words remind me of the home I miss so dearly. How I long to see you and our son. I even miss that rambunctious dog of ours. Yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, I miss our dog, too. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear Lydia. Why do you miss our dog? Is he not with you at home? Please send word that he’s okay. And also send some token of your affection so that I may be reminded of you and our son. Always, yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, I am enclosing a lock of my hair. Hold it close and be safe. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, dearest, Perhaps you have been too generous with your gift of hair. You have sent me a vast amount. Have you shorn your head completely bald? Concerned, William.

[Cut to Lydia with her uneven haircut]

Lydia: William, ha-ha, no. Love, Lydia. P.S., give our dog a rub on the belly for me.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, I do not have our dog. He’s clearly run off. As if the day could not get worse, my dear friend Christopher was killed on patrol. The young French woman who cared for him in his final moments told me he died honorably. A shame. Love, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, so who’s this French bitch you’re talking to? Your wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, my dear! There is no cause for jealousy. I only have eyes for you, love. My absence is clearly weighing on you. Perhaps a weekend away would raise your spirits. Devotedly, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I took your advice and went on a little trip. And would you believe there was a newsreel camera at my hotel. I’m sending a copy of the film. Enjoy the show. Your movie star wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My god, Lydia! I cannot believe what I’ve just seen. You appear to be palling around with Adolf Hitler and his friends as if you were one of the gang. What led to this? I demand an explanation. Your horrified husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, Oh, I see. So when you talk to some French whore, it’s nothing, move on. But when I go to a party where there happens to be a man, it’s “I demand an explanation”.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Yes, because it’s Hitler!

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: I am only glad your father is not alive to see what a hypocrite you’ve become. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Darling Lydia, has my father passed away? This is the first time I’m hearing of this. How did he go? Also still rabidly curious about the Hitler of it all. Answer, please. William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I think your father died of a broken heart. He just couldn’t bear on to go on without your mother. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My mother passed as well? Darling, I do not think we should write to each other anymore. But know that I love you and our son dearly. Give him a kiss for me and tell him to be brave lad. Love William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, tell him yourself. Love Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh with his son]

William Macintosh: Why would you send our 5 year old son to a war zone?

Royal Romance

Prentis Popplewell … Kate McKinnon

Duchess of Clerkenwell … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Jimmy J Robertson … Kenan Thompson

Charles, Prince of Wales … Beck Bennett

Duchess of Clerkenwell

[Starts with Royal Romance intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Royal Romance, a BBC special event.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Good evening. I’m Prentis Popplewell. When prince Harry fell in love with a gorgeous American Starlet, we all went, “Ah.” But when Meghan Markle wanted to do things a little differently, some went, “Ah.” But this isn’t the first mixed raced royal couple who had to endure this sort of hostility. Tonight, we look back at the lesser known, Duchess of Clerkenwell, and the relationship that almost brought down the entire monarchy. This is Royal Romance.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: The year was 1972. I had made my first journey to America. And there I met the man of my dreams. His name was Jimmy J Robertson.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: But I was known up and down these streets as thunder stick, and my ass was about to live in a castle.

Prentis Popplewell: Thunder stick was a comedian, street poet, and Blaxploitation actor. Perhaps best known for his films, “The Return of Petey Biscuit Bits” and “Bitch, I Will Shoot You Right In the Face.”

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But when I met Jimmy, he told me his primary occupation was karate, and I found it so refreshing.

[Cut to a clip from action movie where Jimmy J Robertson is fighting] [Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Some of the other royals, they just didn’t understand Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, I was both ahead of and way behind my times.

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: I’ll admit, when my niece brought Thunderstick over, I was a bit skeptical, mainly because he threw a bag of cocaine on the table, and said, “Nobody leaves the room until this big is empty”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Jimmy brought fun to the royal family. He would stay up all night drinking, reciting Limericks about how unattractive our mothers were. Yet he would also vow to have sexual relations with all of them.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: And then I demonstrated exactly how I was going to do it using an ottoman. Wore that thing down the threads.

[Cut to Duchess of Hertfordshire]

Duchess of Hertfordshire: At official events he requested to be introduced as the duke of dookie, and I’ll never forget the poem that he performed.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson saying his poem]

Jimmy J Robertson: I got me a palace surrounded by class.

I got two corgis going to bark at your ass.

When I raise my royal scepter, all my lady subjects bow.

They say, damn Thunderstick, give them the thunder now.

Come on red. We doing this?

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: He performed that at the christening of Prince William.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But for all his foibles. Jimmy helped modernize the monarchy. He knighted the first black American transforming mix-a-lot into sir mix-a-lot. And Jimmy was fabulous with children.

Cut to Jimmy J Robertson telling story to the children]

Jimmy J Robertson: Take a wild ride to Banberry cross. See a fine lady up on a white horse. Rings on her fingers, bells on her palms, that funky bitch was loud when I blew that orgasm out her drawers. You all are 18 right?

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But the media could be ruthless.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: You better believe they hated my catch phrase, “Take a look at my big black ass”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: And in the end we drifted apart.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, as much as we had in common, we were from different worlds.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Also he cheated on me with a waffle house waitress.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: I did do that, bot it scattered, smothered, and covers, baby.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Let’s take a quick break. When we return, a clip from Thunderstick’s Kung Fu censor film “Ho Ho Hi-Ya!” on Royal Romance.