Another MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

John Mulaney… Melissa Villasenor

[Starts with MasterClass intro]

Male voice: MasterClass Quarantine Edition is back with even more classes from your favorite famous people. Classes like, Phoebe Waller-Bridge teaches journaling.

Chloe: Hello, you cheeky little birds. I don’t know why I said that. I’m Chloe. And since this started, I have won two Emmy’s. No, I haven’t. But I might.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

I keep all sorts of journals. One for violent female rage. Oh, I agree. [showing a journal] And this one is full of my naughty little secrets. [trying to open it] It’s a bit sticky. Can’t open it.

[Break message reads “Get inside her mind.”]

Even if you’re not writing anything, you can look up from your journal with a cheeky little grin and play mind games with your partner. Oh! I know.

You can find inspiration anywhere. Like, your twerty little neighbor.

[talking to neighbor] Oh, hello. [talking to the camera] She hates me.

[reading her journal] Ha-ha-ha. I can’t believe I said that.

It was a cheesy, drippy, slutty little tart of the pizza. I’m Chloe and this is my MasterClass. Fancy!

Male voice: And John Mulaney teaches suits.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

Melissa: Okay, that will be all. Oh, hello there. I’m standup comedian John Mulaney. And this is my MasterClass on how to master [holds his tie] class.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

This suit is ideal if the vibe you’re going for is precocious kids who is asking all the wrong questions at this funeral.

[Break message reads “You’ll never stop learning.”]

You’re gonna have to decide whether you’re the type of person that’s gonna button up or button down. But I have to button up because I have no chest hair.

[Break message reads “Get the tricks of the trade.”]

Don’t you even think about leaving your tie loose. Tuck that in. Don’t be a monster. Oh, you’re looking sharp, John. And now you’re ready to hang out in your house coz we have nowhere to go.

[Break message reads “Pursue your passion.”]

Go, apply for the job and tell me thanks when you get it.

Male voice: And of course, Britney Spears teaches something.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her home]

Britney Spears: I’ve been in quarantine for five years now. And that’s okay because all my favorite stuff is here.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”] [singing] Oops, I burned my gym down. So now, I exercise outside. When I’m looking for a creative outlet, sometimes I’ll paint, sometimes I’ll post. And I’m skinny as a needle. My loneliness is literally saving me.

The thing that helps me most in quarantine is being rich.

[Break message reads “We paid her too much for this.”]

During this time of Corona disease, we have to stay safe. My prayer is with you. I’m Britney Spears and this is my Master School.

Male voice: MasterClass, Quarantine Edition.

The War in Words William and Lydia

William Macintosh … Mikey Day

Lydia … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with History Channel show schedule]

Announcer: You’re watching the History Channel. Coming up at eight, “Hell On Wheels; Hitler’s Secret Super Car.” But now, it’s “The War In Words: Letters From the Front.”

[Cut to pictures of fighter pilot and his wife]

Narrator: The letters of English fighter pilot William Macintosh of the royal air force to his wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh writing a letter]

William Macintosh: My dearest Lydia, ever since we crossed the channel to France, I have seen nothing but death and destruction. [Cut to Lydia reading the letter] Yet in this darkness, you provide light. [Cut to William Macintosh] Though I may be in hell, you are my perfect angel. Your husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, thank you. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear wife, you’re welcome. In future letters though, if ever at a loss for words, please find some. For your words remind me of the home I miss so dearly. How I long to see you and our son. I even miss that rambunctious dog of ours. Yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia writing a letter]

Lydia: Dear William, I miss our dog, too. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My dear Lydia. Why do you miss our dog? Is he not with you at home? Please send word that he’s okay. And also send some token of your affection so that I may be reminded of you and our son. Always, yours, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, I am enclosing a lock of my hair. Hold it close and be safe. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, dearest, Perhaps you have been too generous with your gift of hair. You have sent me a vast amount. Have you shorn your head completely bald? Concerned, William.

[Cut to Lydia with her uneven haircut]

Lydia: William, ha-ha, no. Love, Lydia. P.S., give our dog a rub on the belly for me.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, I do not have our dog. He’s clearly run off. As if the day could not get worse, my dear friend Christopher was killed on patrol. The young French woman who cared for him in his final moments told me he died honorably. A shame. Love, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, so who’s this French bitch you’re talking to? Your wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Lydia, my dear! There is no cause for jealousy. I only have eyes for you, love. My absence is clearly weighing on you. Perhaps a weekend away would raise your spirits. Devotedly, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I took your advice and went on a little trip. And would you believe there was a newsreel camera at my hotel. I’m sending a copy of the film. Enjoy the show. Your movie star wife, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My god, Lydia! I cannot believe what I’ve just seen. You appear to be palling around with Adolf Hitler and his friends as if you were one of the gang. What led to this? I demand an explanation. Your horrified husband, William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: Dear William, Oh, I see. So when you talk to some French whore, it’s nothing, move on. But when I go to a party where there happens to be a man, it’s “I demand an explanation”.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Yes, because it’s Hitler!

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: I am only glad your father is not alive to see what a hypocrite you’ve become. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: Darling Lydia, has my father passed away? This is the first time I’m hearing of this. How did he go? Also still rabidly curious about the Hitler of it all. Answer, please. William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, I think your father died of a broken heart. He just couldn’t bear on to go on without your mother. Love, Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh]

William Macintosh: My mother passed as well? Darling, I do not think we should write to each other anymore. But know that I love you and our son dearly. Give him a kiss for me and tell him to be brave lad. Love William.

[Cut to Lydia]

Lydia: William, tell him yourself. Love Lydia.

[Cut to William Macintosh with his son]

William Macintosh: Why would you send our 5 year old son to a war zone?

Royal Romance

Prentis Popplewell … Kate McKinnon

Duchess of Clerkenwell … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Jimmy J Robertson … Kenan Thompson

Charles, Prince of Wales … Beck Bennett

Duchess of Clerkenwell

[Starts with Royal Romance intro]

Announcer: You’re watching Royal Romance, a BBC special event.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Good evening. I’m Prentis Popplewell. When prince Harry fell in love with a gorgeous American Starlet, we all went, “Ah.” But when Meghan Markle wanted to do things a little differently, some went, “Ah.” But this isn’t the first mixed raced royal couple who had to endure this sort of hostility. Tonight, we look back at the lesser known, Duchess of Clerkenwell, and the relationship that almost brought down the entire monarchy. This is Royal Romance.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: The year was 1972. I had made my first journey to America. And there I met the man of my dreams. His name was Jimmy J Robertson.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: But I was known up and down these streets as thunder stick, and my ass was about to live in a castle.

Prentis Popplewell: Thunder stick was a comedian, street poet, and Blaxploitation actor. Perhaps best known for his films, “The Return of Petey Biscuit Bits” and “Bitch, I Will Shoot You Right In the Face.”

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But when I met Jimmy, he told me his primary occupation was karate, and I found it so refreshing.

[Cut to a clip from action movie where Jimmy J Robertson is fighting] [Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Some of the other royals, they just didn’t understand Jimmy.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, I was both ahead of and way behind my times.

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: I’ll admit, when my niece brought Thunderstick over, I was a bit skeptical, mainly because he threw a bag of cocaine on the table, and said, “Nobody leaves the room until this big is empty”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Jimmy brought fun to the royal family. He would stay up all night drinking, reciting Limericks about how unattractive our mothers were. Yet he would also vow to have sexual relations with all of them.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: And then I demonstrated exactly how I was going to do it using an ottoman. Wore that thing down the threads.

[Cut to Duchess of Hertfordshire]

Duchess of Hertfordshire: At official events he requested to be introduced as the duke of dookie, and I’ll never forget the poem that he performed.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson saying his poem]

Jimmy J Robertson: I got me a palace surrounded by class.

I got two corgis going to bark at your ass.

When I raise my royal scepter, all my lady subjects bow.

They say, damn Thunderstick, give them the thunder now.

Come on red. We doing this?

[Cut to Charles, Prince of Wales]

Charles: He performed that at the christening of Prince William.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But for all his foibles. Jimmy helped modernize the monarchy. He knighted the first black American transforming mix-a-lot into sir mix-a-lot. And Jimmy was fabulous with children.

Cut to Jimmy J Robertson telling story to the children]

Jimmy J Robertson: Take a wild ride to Banberry cross. See a fine lady up on a white horse. Rings on her fingers, bells on her palms, that funky bitch was loud when I blew that orgasm out her drawers. You all are 18 right?

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: But the media could be ruthless.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: You better believe they hated my catch phrase, “Take a look at my big black ass”.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: And in the end we drifted apart.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: Yeah, as much as we had in common, we were from different worlds.

[Cut to Duchess of Clerkenwell]

Duchess of Clerkenwell: Also he cheated on me with a waffle house waitress.

[Cut to Jimmy J Robertson]

Jimmy J Robertson: I did do that, bot it scattered, smothered, and covers, baby.

[Cut to Prentis Popplewell]

Prentis Popplewell: Let’s take a quick break. When we return, a clip from Thunderstick’s Kung Fu censor film “Ho Ho Hi-Ya!” on Royal Romance.


Mid-Day News

Kenan Thompson

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Dennis Jones… Chris Redd

[Starts with WANU Midday News intro] [Cut to the news set]

Kenan Thompson: This is the morning, and welcome back to WANU Midday News.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Coming up, the mayor’s office announced a bold new plan to revamp the city’s infrastructure.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: And it’s about time. But first, yet another gas station has fallen prey to an armed robbery. A shell station in the 4,000 block of Pulaski highway was robbed around 11:45 AM this morning making that a total of seven gas stations to be attacked in the last week.

Alex Moffat: Ouff. Scary stuff.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: And we’re told the suspect remains at large. But authorities believe that they now have a credible description of the perp. The suspect described as a white male–

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Ego Nwodim: Love it!

[Kenan Thompson and Ego Nwodim and having high-fives]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: I’m sorry, what are you two celebrating?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: Oh, nothing. We’re just glad that we know what the criminal looks like.

[Cut to everybody]

And he ain’t one of us.

Ego Nwodim: You know what I’m talking about? You know what I’m saying? You know what I’m thinking?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Anyway, the suspect—

Kenan Thompson: White guy.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Was last spotted fleeing the scene on foot. So, anyone with information is being asked to contact the MPD immediately.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, help us catch this white criminal.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: In other news, a Ponzi scheme has shaken some of Miami’s wealthiest residents.

Ego Nwodim: That’s one of y’all’s for sure.

Alex Moffat: Clemet Smith of Clemet Smith Investment Securities is accused of committing this egregious white collar crime.

Ego Nwodim: Right there in the name.

Alex Moffat: Smith is said to have been operating a multi-billion dollar Ponzi scheme.

Ego Nwodim: Now you know black people ain’t got that kind of money.

Alex Moffat: He was arrested this morning in Boca Raton.

[Cut to a picture of a black young man]

And look at that.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Damn!

Alex Moffat: He’s black.

Ego Nwodim: Really, what?

Kenan Thompson: Okay, so I guess we tied.

[Cut to everybody]

One of ours for one of yours.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: This is ridiculous. No one’s keeping score. Okay. [Cut to Dennis Jones on weather report] We have an update on that tropical storm we’ve been tracking. Let’s hear from WAMU weatherman Dennis Jones. Dennis?

Dennis Jones: Thanks, Pam. We’ve been previously calling a tropical storm. It’s not upgraded to a category hurricane, as you see here, destroying everything in its path with incredible high winds. We’re calling this one Hurricane Chet. And that’s a white man’s name if I ever heard one.

[Cut to everybody in the news set]

Ego Nwodim: I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: And that makes two of y’all, one of us. We in the lead, back in the game. Gang, gang. Gang, gang.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No way. That doesn’t not count. Hurricanes are not white.

Kenan Thompson: Unless they’re named Chet.

[Cut to everybody]

Alex Moffat: Okay! Can we move on from this petty game please?

Kenan Thompson: Oh, because y’all losing.

Ego Nwodim: Oh, how convenient.

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s just get back to the news. A Ft. Launderdale man was apprehended outside of a – cracker barrel.

Ego Nwodim: Um-hmm. Keep going.

Alex Moffat: For cutting brake lines on dozen bird-scooters.

Ego Nwodim: You know only white people got that kind of time.

Alex Moffat: Okay. Yeah. So, he’s white, so what?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: So now we’re down to one.

Kenan Thompson: It’s not looking too goof for y’all today. In other news, a shopper was apprehended by security at Oceanside mall for assaulting a man who stepped on his Air Jordan’s.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I’m sorry. Did you say Air Jordan’s?

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Alex Moffat: Oh, that’s black for sure.

Ego Nwodim: Damn.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: You know, I knew it. I knew it as soon as I saw it. Right.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Okay. And how about this one? A local woman attacked a cashier at a nail shop after they refused to take her welfare card.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my lord.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Police say they’re looking for a 19-year-old white—Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Whoo! That’s three, baby!

[Cut to Ego Nwodim and Alex Moffat]

Ego Nwodim: Nice!

Alex Moffat: Okay, let’s get that back. Police say a Latino man—

Ego Nwodim: Ah! Skip that one. We don’t need that. Okay, how about this? How about a man on rock climbing trip was mauled by a bison for the second time in three months. See, y’all don’t learn. Y’all don’t like to learn.

Alex Moffat: Okay, just keep reading.

Ego Nwodim: This incident happened in the Utah National State park.

Alex Moffat: Not looking good.

Ego Nwodim: The family of the man now identified as Laquan Tankin.

Alex Moffat: Yes!

Ego Nwodim: Baby, what are you dong?

Alex Moffat: What an upset.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Kenan Thompson: A Laquan? Rock climbing? In Utah?

[Cut to Dennis Jones]

Dennis Jones: That’s okay. We still tied up baby.  Let’s go.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Kenan Thompson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: All right. Next one takes it. A man dressed as the joker— Damn it!

Kenan Thompson: Woo!

[Cut to everybody]

Good game. Good game.

[Starts with WANU Midday News outro]

Kaylee, Crystal & Janetta

Mikey Day

Kaylee … Aidy Bryant

Janetta …Kate McKinnon

Crystal … Cecily Strong

Jean … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Gerald … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar] [Cut to the bar. There are two ladies yelling at other people.]

Mikey Day: Hey, hey, hey, I know you all are regulars but you’re getting too rowdy, okay? And your friend is dancing too wild, [Cut to Kate McKinnon Dancing wild on the jukebox] all right? I’m getting complaints.

Kaylee: Oh, okay. What is this, the Ritz-Carlton? What’s wrong with Janetta? What’s up with you, Janetta?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: I met by my ex-boyfriend.

[Cut to three ladies]

Kaylee: What? That’s the only kind of good boyfriend there is.

Crystal: Ex.

Kaylee: So, which one?

[Cut to Janetta]

Janetta: Gerald. From the guitar center.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Kaylee: Oh, the one we all slept with and now hate.

Janetta: Yeah.

[Cut to everyone]

Kaylee: Oh, Jenny! Where have you been?

Jean: Hell, good! [Cut to Janetta and Jean] My brother Tren just got out of three nights’ prison, left the police to seat middle at in the yard he had planned with. He did a big old surprise with a dynamite.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Sheet metal is no doubt.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Janetta: I tried to throw a piece of sheet metal on my ex-boyfriend. And I guess wind got underneath it, blew that sucker, bow, right back in my face.

Jean: Screw him. You don’t need no man. None of us do. Look at us. We want love? We can find it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Easy.

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to Janetta and Jean]

Jean: Don’t say nothing about cake to me today.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: Why, Janey girl?

Jean: I tried to get a cake today [Cut to Janetta and Jean] at Walmart. They wouldn’t write on it what I wanted on it.

[Cut to Kaylee and Crystal]

Crystal: What you want on that cake?

Kaylee: Oh, yeah! Piece of cake.

[Cut to everybody]

Jean: A threat?

[A man walks by. The girls are checking him out.]

Kaylee: That’s Gerald from the guitar center.

Jean: He got some nerve, walking in here looking like sex on a stick on his tight jeans.

[Cut to Gerald drinking beer at the bar]

Janetta: You know what? I don’t are. [Cut to the ladies] I’m not bothered by him at all.

Crystal: Yeah, me neither.

[Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Hey, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies. They are yelling at Gerald.] [Cut to Gerald]

Gerald: Um, soak it in ladies. Take in all my sexy. It’s not my fault y’all fell in love with this. I would too.

[Cut to the ladies]

Crystal: No, don’t even try to smooth this over.

Gerald: Hey, I told you, [Cut to Gerald] monogamy wouldn’t work in my world.

[Cut to everybody]

Gerald: Girls, I’m sorry. But I want to give this piece of trash a whole mess of pain.

[Other ladies are hooting for her] [Cut to Jean and Gerald]

You act like I said bad things, okay? I miss you. You smell so good, it’s like menthol cigarettes and bar lines. Which one of us do you like best? Please say me. [Jean punches Gerald] Well – Kaylee, your turn.

[Cut to everyone. Jean takes the seat and Kaylee walks to Gerald]

Kaylee: Okay, I hope you live through this.

[Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Kaylee and Gerald]

Did you get my email? Where I gave you my work schedule with all my little lunch breaks? Because I was hoping we could squeeze out a little quicky during one of those times. Because I miss your beefy fingers.

[Kaylee hits Gerald with a bottle on his head]

But yeah, yeah, [Cut to everybody] I hope that this gives you a headache just for all the ones you gave me.

[Janetta walks to Gerald]

Janetta: All right. This is my turn. [Other ladies hooting for her] [Cut to Janetta and Gerald]

Hey, act like I’m choking you. Remember when we walked out on the dock? And you said, “Look.” And I did. And it was the – and I laughed about it. And you kissed my laughing open mouth? Well, I want that back, man. You’re dead to me. [Janetta hits Gerald with a bullseye board] Crystal, finish him off.

[Cut to Crystal bringing up a guitar to hit Gerald]

Crystal: Yeah. Yeah! [Crystal hits Gerald with a guitar and breaks it] Oh. Hey. Hey. You remember what we talked about the night you left me? I changed to my mind, okay? I will give you a backstage pass. Now get lost and stay there.

[Cut to everybody]

Kaylee: We showed his ass ladies.

Crystal: That, we sure did.

Janetta: To sisterhood.

Jean: Well, I got to get out of here. I got a date with your son.

Kaylee: Okay, have fun. Tell him I folded his laundry.

[Ends with a video clip of Buddy’s State Line Bar]

Cut for Time Tampax Secrets

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Chris Redd

Beck Bennett

[Starts with a scene in classroom] [Bell ringing]

Teacher: Okay, everyone. Settle in. I just wanted to cover a few things before we get started.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Psst. Do you have a, you know, a tampon?

Aidy Bryant: Oh, heck yeah.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: No, not here. Someone will see.

Aidy Bryant: Relax, no one’s gonna know.

[Aidy gives Phoebe a piece of poop]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is that a piece of dog poop?

Aidy Bryant: Open it.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What do you mean open it?

Aidy Bryant: Just look inside.\

[Phoebe takes the poop and opens it]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: There’s a tampon in here.

Aidy Bryant: Yeah. But they won’t know. They’ll just see the poop.

[Cut to Tampax commercial video]

Narrator: Introducing Tampax secrets. The only tampon hidden inside other things you’d rather take out of your bag in public.

[Cut to classroom]

Melissa Villaseñor: Hey, do you have a, you know?

Aidy Bryant: Sure do.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is that a dead mouse?

Aidy Bryant: I don’t know, open it.

Melissa Villaseñor: Okay. Wow, so discreet. Thanks girl.

Aidy Bryant: uh-huh.

[Cut to Tampax commercial video]

Narrator: Tampax secrets does all the hiding for you. With our wide variety of less embarrassing than a tampon designs. Like, brick of cocaine, baby doll, Tuna Melt From Subway, naked picture of your mom, respectfully folded confederate flag, truck nuts, handful of lose white dreads, extra strength activia, signed copy of mind comf, real bomb, human skull and a dead fish. [Cut to the classroom] So you can feel confident no matter who’s watching.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Well, out flow is here. [In loud voice] Better take this piece of dog poop to the bathroom.

[Cut to Chris Redd confused] [Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: Yes, queen.

[Cut to Chris Redd and Beck Bennett]

Chris Redd: She was so confident.

Beck Bennett: I like that.

[Cut to the ladies]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, I had a regular tampon in my bag all along.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge takes the tampon out. It is blurred in the video.]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Wait, why is this blurred?

Narrator: Tampax secrets, ask your boyfriend to buy them.

Cut for Time New Play

Kenan Thompson

Billy Bethwerk … Kyle Mooney

Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Cecily Strong

Jameson … Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Evolve Rehearsal Studios]

Kenan Thompson: All right. [Cut to the rehearsal] Welcome everybody to the first day of rehearsal for a Shout Unscreamed. [Cut to Kenan and Billy] The wonderful new play by the brilliant and prolific Billy Bethwerk.

Billy Bethwerk: Thank you. This one is very personal to me . I dropped it several times. But the main character wouldn’t leave me alone. She kept talking to my head in my dreams until she forced her way on to the page. I’m excited to share her with the world now, as it were.

Kenan Thompson: Okay. Are you done?

Billy Bethwerk: Um, yeah. For now.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: It is such a great play man. Roles like this don’t come on and get off. I could cry right now but I’m going to save it for acting.

Cecily Strong: Yeah, it’s really– it really is exquisite writing. It’s just so full and rich.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Yes, I just want to dive right in. [Cut to Cecily Strong and Phoebe Waller-Bridge] Because I think the world is hungry for this kind of art and while it not be a meal that will go down easy, it is an important and crucial meal.

Cecily Strong: Like breakfast, or really any of the three main ones.

[Laughter] [Cut to Kenan and Billy]

Kenan Thompson: All right. Well, let’s begin, shall we? And again, it’s our first rehearsal. [Cut to everybody  standing up] So, let’s just get it on it’s feet and see how it feels. All right? Okay. Small suburban home in Nebraska, Emma Thirdy is at the sake. Her husband Tod, Thirdy’s white, and her sister Claire, Thirdy’s woman, watch from the doorway.

Jameson: Emma, please look at me. I know you’re mad at your sister but she’s here because she cares about you.

[Cut to Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: [Speaking with strong accent] Oh please, think clear. [indistinct] after my baby’s mother and husband’s wife.

[Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks near Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Might I remind you your [indistinct] somebody had to keep carrying your baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]And you remind me that [indistinct] die.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]You wet yourself, girl.

[Cut to Kenan very confused]

Kenan Thompson: Okay, that was so good. I just want to ask some questions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, all these characters are from same place, right?

Cecily Strong: Yeah, you know, actually I’m glad this came up and I hate doing this as a fellow actor but he’s not doing a Nebraskan accent. And it’s supposed to be Nebraska, right?

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Is there a reason you’re not doing it? You saving us or something? Because to me personally would really help if we all sounded the same.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yes, everybody should sound the same. Like kind of closer to what Jameson is doing.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Jameson: Yeah, I’m actually from Nebraska.

Cecily Strong: Really? [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] That sounds strange in my ear, but if that’s what you want.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: We’ll just match what he’s doing.

Cecily Strong: Yes.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Great! All right. Claire pushes Tod aside and gets in Emma’s face.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Cecily Strong, Jameson]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] Emma, the one who call you [indistinct] murder, he was the judge. You even remember that day or you too high or meth?

Jameson: Hey, come on! The baby.

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]Hey dirty, you bitch. [Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong] Emma, [indistinct] Claire scratches on the floor.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent]Are you crazy? She [indistinct] her.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, let’s stop.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: What? Because it’s getting quite intense?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Well, no, no. That’s not why. You were both starting to reach the stage directions.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Are you talking about the Italian in the brackets?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: The Italics? Yes. Yes. That’s what you don’t read.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: At all?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Not even in our heads?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: In your head is fine I guess. You know what? I’m still having a tiny issue with the accents.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Whose?

Cecily Strong: His?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Your’s.

[Cut to Phoebe Waller-Bridge and Cecily Strong]

Cecily Strong: Oh my god. You know what? I’m realizing, I think what we’ve done is we’ve confused Nebraska with Alaska because Nebraska is down here and Alaska is up here.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh! We could also just do like standard mid-west. Like, anybody got an extra long cigarette? Typical mid-west girl, I’m always dying for a smoke.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: That sounded a little Australian.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh, no, no. That was mid-west.

[Cut to Billy and Kenan]

Billy Bethwerk: Oh my god, this is not going to work. Is this what they did in their audition?

Kenan Thompson: No. I did not make them audition ass. They are established actresses in the UK. British actors are having a moment right now and honestly they beige me. I think that we can salvage this.

Billy Bethwerk: How? We only have eight weeks.

[Cut to the show’s play board] [Cut to the play]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] We all would be bitter off if you had died [indistinct].

Cecily Strong: [Speaking in strong accent]There [indistinct] is finally [inaudible 00:04:33] .

[Jameson runs into the play]

Jameson: [Speaking in strong accent] What my dear? [indistinct] house on fire?

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: [Speaking in strong accent] [indistinct]

Another What’s Wrong with This Picture

Elliott Pants … Kenan Thmopson

Gina … Aidy Bryant

Theo … Kyle Mooney

Carrie … Phoebe Waller-Bridge

[Starts with What’s Wrong With This Picture intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play What’s Wrong With This Picture?

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to the host, Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Welcome back to another edition of What’s Wrong With This Picture? I’m Elliott Pants. Let’s play. Rules couldn’t be simpler. You look at the picture. You tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner takes home a lifetime supply of Trojan Lils. Trojan Lils, because your’s still does what the big ones do. Let’s meet our contestant Gina.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Hi, I Gina.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: I just said that. Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Armed and ready to play.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Armed? That worries me. Carrie.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: I’m the queen looking for her king with the bling-bling.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Well, this is not a dating show. Alright. Let’s take a look at our first puzzle, shall we?

[There is a cartoon picture of boys playing basketball with a football]

Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Take a hard look, guys. Something in this picture isn’t quite right.

Gina: I know.

[Cut to Gina]

Elliott Pants: Gina.

Gina: Something gay happened in the last play. And now it’s weighing on the whole game.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: What does that mean? No. Theo.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: I hate to say this but the score is 0 because number 12 is slow. Not with legs. Up here.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: My god, no. Look at player number 10.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Oh, I see. There’s no crack in the booty. The poop goes out the front.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Stop it. Something shouldn’t be there.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Oh, number 3 is Ellen DeGeneres. And she’s going to miss her show. But she doesn’t care, because Ellen lives to hoop.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Look at number 10. Look at his ball.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: Ew, you look at it if you like it so much.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: It’s a soccer ball. All right, let’s see the next picture.

[There is a cartoon picture of a teacher and a student]


[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Check it. The teacher’s his dad. He knows he’s being doubt-fired. He just don’t know where it goes from here.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: For the love of—just look, what do you see there?

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: The Viagra is kicking in. The teacher tricked him.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Who are you people?

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: Oh, I know. Teacher is explaining the difference between Harvey Weinstein and Aziz Ansari. The student doesn’t want to hear about it anymore.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: I know the answer. Teacher let one rip. And it sounded like sentence. It feels rude not to say something back.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: The doorknob is on the same side as the hinges. I feel like you’re doing this on purpose. All right. Next picture, please.

[Chere is a cartoon picture of a woman sitting in front of an open refrigerator with a saw in it] [Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: He posted a death threat on Facebook. Now, she’s just waiting for the lights to roll in.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: There’s a saw in the fridge.

[Cut to Theo]

Theo: I know. Someone’s talking to her about evolution, but she’s closing her ears. I didn’t come from no chimp. I’m god’s lil’ guy.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: There’s a saw in the fridge.

[Cut to Gia]

Gina: I would like to solve the puzzle. She’s letting the dog lick her under the table. But don’t worry, it’s a stray so it’s not awkward.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Okay. One more [There’s a picture of an astronaut with the US flag, but there’s another moon in the sky] but then we’re taking you straight home.

[Cut to Carrie]

Carrie: There’s two moons.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: I can’t believe it. That’s right.

Carrie: And girlfriend, that suit does nothing for you body. Let us see your ass.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: Honey, your brain is bad.

[Cut to Theo and Carrie]

Theo: I love that you said that. I’m taking you to the makeout room. I’m going to grab some Trojan Lils.

[Cut to Elliott Pants]

Elliott Pants: This is not a dating show. This has been What’s Wrong With This Picture. We got to start vetting these people. That’s what I feel.[

[Ends with an outro]

Love Island

Grace … Cecily Strong

Bella Rosa… Phoebe Waller-Bridge

Charlie … Alex Moffat

Siobhan … Chloe Fineman

Finlay … Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Mackenzie … Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Love Island intro]

Announcer: It’s Love Island, the UK reality station that America is obsessing over. It turns out they also have 100% pure grade trash just like us. Let’s meet the Islanders. 

Grace: I’m Grace. I’m 22 in Liverpool. Yes. But if I were in the states, I’d be 41.

Bella Rosa: I’m Bella Rosa from Essex. My dad is a boxer and my mom is a pub. Just got my lips done. I asked the doctor for an allergic reaction.

Charlie: Hello, I’m Charlie. I’m from murder suicide, England. I’ve got two more years for my face to catch up to my liver.

Siobhan: I’m from part of Ireland where the soil is bones.

Finlay: Call me Finlay. I’m from Scotland but I’m also Italian. So, my father is basically the scariest guy you’ve seen in your life.

Chris: I’m just looking for a lady, like a cheap one, for the rest of my life.

Mackenzie: They call me Mackenzie. And I’m looking for the perfect guy, because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with me.

Announcer: Watch the hottest people from the worst towns immediately couple up with someone based on nothing.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I would like to couple up with a guy who’s exactly my type on paper. He’s got tattoos. He’s got really great banter. He’s proper fit. But at the same time, I would go with anybody. So, you.

Chris: Hi.

Bella Rosa: Oh. You’ve got great hair.

Announcer: You’ve heard an English accent. You’ve heard an Irish accent. Now, hear all the little weirdies in between.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: [In strong accent] He crackin’ on with her, and I’m like, I’m getting proper pied off.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: [In strong accent] Aye, I’m straight scunnert with the jobbies.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: That’s right, they don’t even understand each other. Tune in as they face challenges like getting up from a beanbag. [Cut to Mackenzie struggling to get up from a beanbag]

You will watch 50 hours of this. You think you won’t, but you will.

[Cut to Grace]

Grace: I’m really looking forward to sleeping with all my new friends. And I might even get in the Wee cuddle.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: It was awful to watch.

Announcer: You’ll invest in vulnerable moments like when the girls take their makeup off.

[Cut to Mackenzie and Sioban]

Sioban: You know, I put so much bronzer on I think I might be dong brownface. Is this a hate crime?

Mackenzie: That’s not bad, is it? Look really different without me make up on ‘cause of the contour.

[Cut to Sioban]

Sioban: She’s a really nice girl, but I think her face might be a thong.

Mackenzie: What?

Announcer: At any point someone may be forced to leave the villa and turn in their giant microphone.

[Cut to Finlay]

Finlay: This bird and I got great crack. She’s got a great personality. But mostly of all the girls here, she wore the smallest bikini. For a person I would like to couple up – Grace.

[Cut to Grace and Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: I knew it, I knew it. I knew it.

[Cut to Mackenzie]

Mackenzie: You’re my best friend in the world.

[Cut to Bella Rosa]

Bella Rosa: Hopping spit in my face. I’m absolutely gutted. [phone chimes] are you joking? 10 million instagram followers. I don’t have to be a stupid prediatric nurse anymore, do I? Cha-ching.

Announcer: Love Island now available on Hulu. We got this, and “The Handmaid’s Tale”.