Phoebe Waller-Bridge Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue set. There is a band playing music.]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Phoebe Waller-Bridge.

[Cheers and applause] [Phoebe Waller-Bridge walks in to the stage]

Phoebe Waller-Bridge: Oh my gosh. Thank you, thank you. Hello, everyone. My name is Phoebe Waller-Bridge. I’m honored to be here hosting SNL. [Cheers and applause] I’m from the UK, which means I find everything embarrassing. And this monologue is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done. And standing in front of a Jazz band in high heels on live television, joking about my accomplishments – actually that sounds pretty fun. [laughter] Anyway, when I asked, do we have to do this bit? They said, yes, it’s part of your visa.

I wrote and acted in a TV show called ‘Fleabag’. [Cheers and applause] It’s about a woman who is trying to navigate her life in London. People often assume that I’m like the character, Fleabag. Simply because I wrote it. Sexually depraved, foul mouthed, and dangerous. And I always have to say, “Yes, you’re absolutely right.” In fact, everything I write has a degree of truth. And every project is different. I’m not a sex addict because I wrote ‘Fleabag’ but I did write ‘Killing Eve’ because I’m a psychopath. My most exciting ex-boyfriend wrote nothing but was both. [laughter]

It’s a great time to be a psychopath right now. They’re really having a moment, don’t you think? When I was writing ‘Killing Eve’, I did a lot of research on psychopaths. So much so that I did actually start to believe that everyone in my life was one. I told my housemate, I think you might be a psychopath and he responded immediately with, “I have empathy.” Which I found a little unnerving. So, you know, sexy.

‘Fleabag’ came from a very, very personal place for me. It began as a way to get Andrew Scott to dress up as a priest and tell me that he loves me. It took me six years and two seasons to achieve it but I did it. I don’t care about awards, I just want gay men to love me. I called the character ‘priest’ in the script but everyone started calling him ‘hot priest’. Obviously, Andrew is hot. But this priest character caused such a horn storm. Andrew and I were trying to figure out what it was about him that was driving women so mental. And we boiled it down and realized, it was because he was doing this one thing—listening. Just really, really listening. Try it, guys.

But we all find weird things sexy. And women can now speak much more openly about their desires without being burned at the stake, which is nice. I love that. Back in the day, horny women were to be feared and now they’re given Emmys. Sexual conversation for women is expanding. The weirder your fantasy, the more open you are about it, the cooler you are. Oh, you locked your husband in the attic? Rock on, sister. Whereas straight men, these days, you are allowed one fantasy. If you are looking up anything other than a woman in her 30s in the missionary position, you’re a pervert. Burn him!

For a world obsessed with sex, it’s kind of incredible how little attention we actually pay our genitals. When we focus on them or if they get sick or something, then it’s all about them. The rest of the time, they’re just sitting there. They’re just sitting there. Patiently. Like—I mean, just think about how many of them are in this room right now. Think about all the genitals all across America, sat on couches, right now. Just like–

So, to honor their patience at home and here, let’s give them a good time. We have a great show tonight. Taylor Swift is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.