Richard Sherman… Jay Pharoah
Marshawn Lynch… Kenan Thompson
Vocal… Sasheer Zamata
Pianist… Bobby Moynihan
Pete Carroll… Taran Killam
[Starts with King5 video bumper]
Male voice: You’re watching King5, Seattle.
[Cut to to Super Bowl Shut Down set]
Announcer: It’s Super Bowl Shut Down with Seahawks cornerback, Richard Sherman.
[Cut to Richard]
[cheers and applause]
Richard: Hi, hello. I’m your host Richard Sherman, the greatest corner in the history of National Football League. Joining me as always is my team mate and good friend, [Cut to Richard and Marshawn] running back Marshawn Lynch. How you doing, Marshawn?
Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.
Richard: So, Marshawn, are you excited to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow?
Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.
Richard: Okay, Marshawn, I know that’s how you are with the media but this is just you and me and you don’t have to hid. So, what do you say?
Marshawn: Shout out to Hiden.
Richard: Oh, come on, man! Well, at least we got our 12 man band who traveled with us all the way from Seattle.
[Cut to the band. All the band members are wearing green clothes. They’re not playing music but they’re rocking their body.]
[Cut to Richard]
Richard: Y’all sound loud tonight. We got the best fans in Seattle, don’t we?
[Cut to Vocal]
Vocal: That’s right. I’ve been a die hard fan since the beginning… of 2013.
[Cut to Pianist]
Pianist: Ha-ha! Coffee in rain.
[Cut to Richard]
Richard: Okay, now I’d like to begin the show the way I always do. By verbally assaulting someone who’s already lost. Today’s attack is going out to New York city mayor Bill De Blasio. [yelling] De Blasio! Yeah, I’m talking to you. You a punk ass mayor. You call that the biggest snow storm in the history of New York? I’ve seen bigger blizzards at Dairy Queen. And you seriously trying to shut down whole city coz of that? You better learn. The only way you shut down a whole city is you put Richard Sherman on it. Boom! I went to Stanford.
[Cut to Richard and Marshawn]
Marshawn, you wanna jump in here?
Marshawn: Thank you for asking me that.
Richard: Come on, man! Open up.
Marshawn: I like Skittles. Shout out to Skittles. And also, big up to Hash and Glasses.
Richard: Damn man! I shouldn’t have made this show four hours.
[Cut to Richard]
Richard: But sure, the one thing we gotta talk about right is that scandal with the Patriots. A.K.A. deflate gate, a.k.a. ball gazi, a.k.a. the e-balla crisis. Patriots fans! You wanna see what a real football looks like?
[Cut to Richard and Marshawn. Marshawn hands over Richard a football with dreadlocks.]
That’s what a real football looks like! Handsome as hell.
Marshawn: Shout out to dreadlocks footballs.
[Cut to Richard]
Richard: Okay, now, out special guest tonight is the head coach of Seattle Seahawks. If there was ever a human dude who magically switched places with a happy ass Shaggy dog, it’s be this buy. Please welcome Pete Carroll.
[Cut to the stage. Pete walks in.]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Oh, heck, fellas! Thanks so much for having me on this dope show of your’s. This is just well. Now, Richard, I know your girlfriend’s supposed to have a baby tomorrow but I hope to see you on the field.
[Cut to Richard]
Richard: Oh, it’s probably best I don’t go. Last time I was in a delivery room, the doctor tried to catch the baby and I ran it back for the touchdown. Now coach, why don’t you tell the Patriots what we’re gonna do to them tomorrow?
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Alright. Well, we’re gonna get out there and we’re gonna give those sons of guns some firm handshakes. Then we’re gonna battle them respectfully for 60 minutes.
[Cut to Richard]
Richard: Wait, wait, what? You mean we’re gonna murder the Patriots. Then we’re gonna hunt down their families and kill them too. You hear that Brady? The yearbook voted me best smile. [Richard smiles]
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s fun, my dawg. And Marshawn, how you doing over there, bud?
[Cut to Marshawn. Marshawn just shakes his head.]
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Ha-ha-ha. Is this guy great or what? Oh, man! He actually loves to laugh. Hey Marshawn, came up with a joke you’re gonna love. Knock, knock.
[Cut to Marshawn]
Marshawn: No comment.
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: It’s helmets.
[Cut to Marshawn]
Marshawn: No!
[Cut to Pete]
Pete: Helmets you think we’re gonna win by tomorrow.
[Cut to Marshawn]
Marshawn: [smiling] Okay, that’s pretty good.
[Cut to Richard, Marshawn and Pete]
Richard: Alright, we’re gonna take a quick break.
[Cut to Richard]
But first, live from New York, it’s Saturday night!