A Proposition

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kristen Stewart

Pig Boy… Bowen Yang

[Starts with a clip of night dance club building]

[Music playing]

[Cut to inside the club, people are dancing. Kenan and Ego are enjoying their meal at the table]

Kenan: Um-hmm. Yeah! This is something, girl, Baltimore has come a long way. I might have one more.

Ego: You know we got church in the morning.

Kenan: It’s Tuesday.

Ego: And? You think the devil takes off Wednesdays?

Kenan: No, he doesn’t.

Ego: Okay.

[Kristen walks up to the couple]

Kristen: Hey.

Kenan: Oh! Hello, young lady.

Kristen: What’s your deal?

Kenan: Us? Well, it’s our anniversary and we’re meeting somebody here. But right now, I’m enjoying these here crabcakes. [Cut to Kenan and Ego] I can only have crab once a quarter due to the swelling.

Ego: Good thing we brought our own food, this place don’t even have a menu.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Yes, I mean, are you married, or–?

food, this place don’t even have a menu. Are you married, or—

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Yeah, we are married, yes indeed.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Oh, that’s so cool. How long have you been married?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Since birth.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: That’s so amazing. I mean, I would love to just get inside that. Even if it was just one night, you know?

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, good luck to you.

Ego: Plenty of options here, around.

Kristen: Let me ask you a question.

Ego: Is it about my fish sandwich? Because it’s not on the menu. I brought it here myself, it’s from Mecca-Donald’s.

Kristen: Have you ever heard of that song by Katy Perry, it’s something like, “I kissed a girl and I liked it”?

Ego: I’m sorry, baby, I stopped listening to music when queen Latifah started hosting talk shows. I just couldn’t take the betrayal.

Kristen: Do you think it would like it? Because I’m pansexual.

Kenan: Pansexual? What’s that, like you like having sex around pants?

Ego: So you like to have sex at breakfast?

Kenan: Oh, [Cut to Kenan and Ego] that’s never going to work for me, I can’t just wake up and do it like that. I got to have my long pee first.

Ego: Baby, you are in there for a while. You are in there for a while.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: I don’t think you guys understand what pansexual means.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Oh, I definitely don’t. But I’m about to enjoy these pan fried crabcakes. We bout to dip some crabs!

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: Hey, let me be blunt. I want to explore tonight.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Uh-huh.

[Cut to Kristen]

Kristen: With someone here.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Okay.

Kenan: Well, whoever that’s going to be, I’m sure they’re going to enjoy it. Go have fun.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Ego: God bless and good luck.

Kenan: We goin’ dip some crabs.

Kristen: Okay.

[Kristen leaves]

Kenan: You know, I think something’s going on with that young lady.

Ego: She wanted some of your crabcakes is what it was.

Kenan: All she had to do was ask.

Kristen: Hey, hey! [Cut to Kristen dancing in the dancefloor] Do you like this?

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Ego: Very nice. Very nice.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: Like, I can just keep doing this.

Ego: Yes, that’s good.

Kristen: All right! o this.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: You know what? I pulled a hamstring doing a shuffle at my nephew’s wedding.

[Cut to Kristen, Kenan and Ego]

Kristen: So, do you like it?

Ego: Wonderful.

Kenan: You’re very, very talented.

Ego: That’s wonderful.

Kenan: You know what? Let me give you my business card. Yeah, my nephew just started a record label, Jive Ass Records. He might need somebody for the video.

Kristen: Thank you.

[Cut to Kristen] Like, this is going to work out for me. Have a good night guys.

[Cut to Kenan and Ego]

Kenan: Well, nice to meet you. We going to collect that little pig boy and head out of here.

Ego: Where he at? Pig boy?

[Pig boy come in. He is an Asian stripper who is wearing leather tight outfit.]

Pig Boy: Yes, mam.

Kenan: Oh, yeah. You’re a dirty little pig, ain’t you?

Pig Boy: Yes sir, and filthy.

Ego: You so hot, we like that.

Kenan: Yeah, we going to make you filthier.

Ego: We’re about to have sex with our little pig boy. Squeal, pig boy.