Kevin… Melissa Villaseñor
Pigeon lady… Kristen Wiig
Harry… Kyle Mooney
Marv… Mikey Day
Male voice: It’s the 30th anniversary of Home Alone. And to celebrate, 20th century studios is releasing this never before seen ending to the Christmas classic, “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”[Cut to the scene where the boy walks to the woman who is feeding pigeons.]
Kevin: Merry Christmas!
Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Wonderful to see your face.
Kevin: I just want to say thanks. When I was all alone here in the city, you were my friend.
Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. It is I who should be thanks to you. Everything you gave me, the hot chocolate, the company, it’s hard being homeless. Specially during the holidays. But at least I have my pigeons.
Kevin: Whoa! So you sleep here?
Pigeon lady: Oh, yes. I have a place under the bridge over there.
Kevin: Cool. I’m sleeping at the room at the Plaza. It’s huge….. Well, see ya’!
Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. You said, “The Plaza”? But you’re just a child.
Kevin: Oh. I use my dad’s credit card. It’s crazy. I can get anything I want.
Pigeon lady: [her stomach is making noise of hunger] Anything?
Kevin: Yeah. Today, I had a giant pizza inside a limousine. Okay, take it easy.
Pigeon lady: Oh. Very well.
Kevin: Wait. Hey, sorry. I just had an idea. [pulls out a pizza box.] I had all this pizza left over and…
Pigeon lady: Oh, Kevin. Yes. My stomach is just–
Kevin: Yeah. It shouldn’t go to waste. Here you go, pigeons! [Kevin throws all the pizzas.]
Pigeon lady: [looking at pigeons eat the pizza] Ha-ha. Look at them go. You know, Kevin, I had an idea as well.
Kevin: Oh, yeah? What’s that?
Pigeon lady: Well, see, as you have that fancy credit card, maybe you could get two hotel rooms?
Kevin: Two hotel rooms for one kid? I don’t think so. You’re funny. Well, goodnight, pigeon lady.
Pigeon lady: Goodnight.
Kevin: Wait. Something just occurred to me. I have enough money to get you a room too.
Pigeon lady: Oh, really?
Kevin: Yeah. It’d be my pleasure. I’ll rent a suite for you as long as you want. And maybe some new clothes and food too. It is Christmas after all.
Pigeon lady: Indeed. Merry Christmas, Kevin.
Kevin: Merry Christmas, pigeon lady.[The thieves find Kevin]
Harry: Not so fast. Didn’t think you could lose us that easy, did you kid?
Marv: Yeah. Remember us? It’s Santi Clause and his little elf.
Harry: Turns out you’re on the naughty list.
Marv: And after all you’ve done, I think it’s time for a little payback.
Harry: Maybe in the form of your daddy’s credit card.
Pigeon lady: No, you can’t take this from me![Kevin runs and beats the thieves.]
Kevin: Wow! Holy smoke!
Pigeon lady: This is my ticket out of here. Die! [Kevin starts hitting the thieves with her umbrella. She’s getting all bloody.] Die! Die!
Kevin: [screaming] Ah!
Pigeon lady: Very well. There it is then. Two junior suits or one big one?
Kevin: The big ones.
Pigeon lady: Oh. Let’s all have a Merry Christmas then.
Kevin: Did you kill those guys?
Pigeon lady: No, Kevin. We killed them. We killed them.