Tag: Pitch

Jingle Pitch

Serena… Jenna Ortega

Mitchell… Mitchell Yang

Devon Walker

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

James Austin Johnson

Serena: All right, troops. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Since breaking off from Donald’s Donalds Dominguez to form Donalds and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client. You know why that is?

Devon: No.

Chloe: Not really.

Mitchell: It’s because Donald’s Donald’s Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember. And everybody in town knows their famous phone number jingle.

Serena: That’s right. We don’t have that. Mitchell, remind everyone of our number?

Mitchell: Our number is 1-672-555-0136.

Serena: What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle

Chloe: But Serena there’s no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that.

Serena: That’s where you’re wrong. My fellow partners, last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano’s.

Mitchell: And yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked.

Serena: Mitchell got tanked at Luciano. But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks I had ever heard. Come on in guys.

[two guys walk in]

Andrew: Hey there.

James: Hello lawyers.

Andre: We are Soul Booth.

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth. And they’re here to save us.

Andrew: Worked out a few demos for you.

James: Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that’ll stick on the mind leg grapevines.

Andrew: Maybe something like this. Here we go. Do you remember this one.

James: I do man.

Andrew: Ha-ha. Here we go. Come on.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] One.
Six-seven
Whoo!
Two.
Then three straight fives.
The next number is 0.
One.
Three.
And six.
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Donalds and Dominguez
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s gonna work for us.

Andrew: Uh-huh. And why is that?

Serena: It just doesn’t sound like what we heard at Luciano’s.

Andrew: Oh. You want that Luciano’s sound?

James: Yeah, you want it Luched?

Mitchell: Yes. This track should make me feel like I’m pegged up at Luch. Understood?

James: Loud and clear.

Andrew: Crystal.

Devon: Yeah, and the numbers should be closer together.

Chloe: Yeah, I think the numbers should be much closer together.

Andrew: Uh-huh. So it’ll be something like this. Ha-ha. You know this one?

James: I do, man.

Andrew: All right. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 1-672-555-0136
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys, come on. That’s totally wrong. And you call that a Luched-up track?

Mitchell: I should feel five daiquiris deep posted u at Luch right now.

Serena: What is so hard about that?

Mitchell: What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I’m getting decked down in the back Luch? Ringing back to cut me off but then not barback with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik that’s making the act up. What’s so hard about that?

Serena: Can you do that?

Andrew: Yes, ma’am.

James: Can do.

Devon: Okay. Yeah. And the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number.

Chloe: Or just anywhere near that would be great.

James: I think we might have just the thing.

Andrew: Absolutely. Let’s take a trip y’all. Everybody. I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere where there is no race, no religion. A little place we call home. But you may know as Luciano’s. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: One more time, that feels so good.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: So, what do you think?

Serena: Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Luci?

Mitchell: Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass-out, daked down, and looched up. My only question is how much?

Both: $10,000.

Mitchell: Less.

Both: 40 each.

Mitchell: Deal.

All: 16,725,550,136

Declaration Pitch

Mr. Jefferson… Jason Sudeikis

Mikey Day

Alex Moffat

James Austin Johnson

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a group of men writing declaration pitch]

Mr. Jefferson: We hold this truths to be self evident that all men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights. How does that sound?

All: Yeah.

Mr. Jefferson: Fantastic. I must say, this declaration of independence is coming along quite nice. Any ideas for what our declaration should say next?

Mikey: Perhaps we should detail these unalienable rights.

Mr. Jefferson: Yes, very good.

Alex: Absolutely. And I think we should also guarantee one’s right to life and liberty.

Mr. Jefferson: I like that.

James: Yes. As well as one’s right to pursuit of happiness.

Alex: Yes.

Andrew: Oh, that’s great. And hey, what if we put like, a sick ass treasure map on this thing? Right? Right?

Mr. Jefferson: What?

Andrew: No. I’m just thinking like, how sick would it be? If we put like, a tight ass treasure map on this bitch, right?

Kyle: We’re kind of defining our nation’s values right now.

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.

Andrew: Yeah, I know. And that’s great for the front. But what if on the back is just like, a boss ass treasure map? Right?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. No, no. But I think this meeting here is more about establishing the country.

Andrew: Alright. Yes. No. Okay.

Mr. Jefferson: So, you know, the treasure map, it probably doesn’t make sense.

Andrew: Yeah. I’m okay.

Mr. Jefferson: Okay. But I really like the idea.

Andrew: No you don’t.

Mr. Jefferson: Yes, I do.

Kyle: Can we please get back to work?

Mr. Jefferson: Yes. Okay. Now, it’s important that this declaration  also addresses our grievances towards the king.

Alex: He’s a tyrant.

Kyle: Down with the king.

Andrew: It wouldn’t be for babies.

Mr. Jefferson: What do you say? What is that?

Andrew: The treasure map. In case that’s what you don’t like about it. It wouldn’t be a treasure hunt for babies. It would be for grown ups.

Alex: No one was thinking that.

Mr. Jefferson: No, no. I was. Wait, wait. So, what you’re saying is it’s not for babies? Well, that’s interesting. So, we could hide clues around town?

Andrew: Oh my god, that’s incredible.

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah? Alright.

Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, don’t encourage him.

Mikey: Well, as long as we’re pitching on it, maybe people do teams.

Mr. Jefferson: What did you just say?

Mikey: Well, just like if it’s for grown ups then maybe they need to do it in teams.

Mr. Jefferson: I love that.

James: What if, like, every team has a strong guy and a smart guy?

Andrew: Oh my god!

Mr. Jefferson: Yes.

Alex: Yes, and what about an art guy?

Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. And obviously the other teams would need a gadget guy.

Andrew: Absolutely. Gadget guy.

Mikey: Always in the van.

James: Always in the van. That’s where the tech’s at.

Andrew: Yes.

Kyle: Gentlemen, please, this declaration does not need a sick ass treasure map because it already is a map. A map that leads to the greatest treasure of all, democracy.

Alex: Boo!

Mikey: No.

[Two people from future arrive]

Mr. Jefferson: Oh-oh!

Alex: Who are you?

Aidy: Well, we com from the future where the declaration has nothing on the back and people are pissed.

Aristotle: With no clues to solve, the people have resorted to violence.

Aidy: Do the right thing. You’ve been warned.

[They disappear]

All: Let’s do it! Yeah!

Subway Pitch

Kenan Thompson

Chloe Fineman

Ego Nwodim

Rocky…John Krasinski

Dino… Beck Bennett

Brandon… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with 5 members of Subway in a meeting]

Kenan: Alright guys. It’s time to talk about future of Subway. Let’s face it. We need a rebrant.

Chloe: Agreed. Our last successful promotion was the $5 footlong. It’s time to bring Subway into the 2020s.

Ego: Yes. It’s time for some new ideas.

Rocky: I’ll tell you what. I couldn’t agree more.

Dino: Yeah. We got a lots of new sandwich ideas for sandwiches.

Kenan: Well, Rocky and Dino, you’ve been Subway’s go-to idea guys for the past 30 years.

Rocky: Let me tell you, it has been honor of my life.

Dino: We’re very proud of our legacy.

Kenan: As are we. But maybe it’s time to get a fresh voice in the mix.

Ego: Jina, could you send Brandon in, please?

[Brandon walks in]

Brandon: Knock, knock. Hi. Very excited to be here.

Rocky: Oh. Who’s the hit guy?

Brandon: The name’s Brandon. Brandon Fudgeit, actually. Came over from Chipotle.

Rocky: Oh, burritos. Very interesting

Dino: Yeah. We don’t do burritos here. We do sandwiches kid.

Brandon: Well, I’m not a kid. I’m a man. And what does every man want? Protein. Lots of it. Look, Subway used to be the quick healthy option but bread is bad. So, picture this. Sandwiches without the bread.

Ego: Oh.

Chloe: Okay.

Brandon: Now, you can eat a bowl full of salami or bologna with a fork and a knife.

Ego: Okay, wow. This is exactly what we were looking for.

Dino: Hey, can I ask you something? You got braindamage?

Brandon: What? No. My brain is fine.

Rocky: So, this is like a fetish I don’t know about? Like, you get off by watching people eat a bowl of ham?

Dino: Oh! That’s gross.

Brandon: No. It’s not a fetish. The Subway Protein Bowl is what young people want. I’m sorry but you guys are out of touch.

Rocky: Hey! You have some respect, alright? You know who we are? Okay? We found Jared.

Dino: That’s right. We’re the Jared guys. You see, me and Rocky were more than just salesmen. We’re story tellers. We sold Subway by telling the story of Jared.

Rocky: Yeah. You don’t bring Subway into the 2020s with a bowl of salami, okay? You do it with a story.

Kenan: Okay. And how do you propose we do that?

Dino: We bring back Jared.

Rocky: Yes.

Kenan: No. Stop it. Rocy, Dino, stop trying to bring back Jared. We told you that can never happen. He’s a bad man.

Brandon: Look, Mr. Rocky, Mr. Dino, I’m not trying to disrespect all that you guys have done for Subway. I mean, I love the $5 footlong jingle.

Rocky: Yeah, that wasn’t us.

Dino: Yeah, that was someone else. We pitched a different version.

Rocky and Dino: [singing] Subway’s a sandwich restaurant
we’re known for Jared
so if you want a sandwich
then Subway is an option
if you have $5
then you can buy a sandwich
but it won’t get you cookies

Kenan: Enough! Rocky, Dino, let Mr. Fudgeit finish.

Dino: So, with all due respect if you sell these bologna, I’m gonna kill myself.

Rocky: Me too, boss.

Kenan: Jesus, guys. You can’t say that at work. I’m gonna have to let you both go for that.

Dino: Oh, you’re gonna fire us for threatening to kill ourselves?

Rocky: Well, now we’re definitely gonna kill ourselves.

Dino: Yeah.

Kenan: Okay, fine. You’re not fired.

Dino: Oh, we’re not fired because we’re important to the team? Or because we said we were going blow our brains out?

Ego: It’s because you threatened suicide yes.

Rocky: Good. Glad to know that that works.

Dino: Okay. Work back. Welcome to the team, kid.