Mr. Jefferson… Jason Sudeikis
James Austin Johnson
Kyle Mooney[Starts with a group of men writing declaration pitch]
Mr. Jefferson: We hold this truths to be self evident that all men are created equal and endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights. How does that sound?
Mr. Jefferson: Fantastic. I must say, this declaration of independence is coming along quite nice. Any ideas for what our declaration should say next?
Mikey: Perhaps we should detail these unalienable rights.
Mr. Jefferson: Yes, very good.
Alex: Absolutely. And I think we should also guarantee one’s right to life and liberty.
Mr. Jefferson: I like that.
James: Yes. As well as one’s right to pursuit of happiness.
Andrew: Oh, that’s great. And hey, what if we put like, a sick ass treasure map on this thing? Right? Right?
Mr. Jefferson: What?
Andrew: No. I’m just thinking like, how sick would it be? If we put like, a tight ass treasure map on this bitch, right?
Kyle: We’re kind of defining our nation’s values right now.
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah.
Andrew: Yeah, I know. And that’s great for the front. But what if on the back is just like, a boss ass treasure map? Right?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. No, no. But I think this meeting here is more about establishing the country.
Andrew: Alright. Yes. No. Okay.
Mr. Jefferson: So, you know, the treasure map, it probably doesn’t make sense.
Andrew: Yeah. I’m okay.
Mr. Jefferson: Okay. But I really like the idea.
Andrew: No you don’t.
Mr. Jefferson: Yes, I do.
Kyle: Can we please get back to work?
Mr. Jefferson: Yes. Okay. Now, it’s important that this declaration also addresses our grievances towards the king.
Alex: He’s a tyrant.
Kyle: Down with the king.
Andrew: It wouldn’t be for babies.
Mr. Jefferson: What do you say? What is that?
Andrew: The treasure map. In case that’s what you don’t like about it. It wouldn’t be a treasure hunt for babies. It would be for grown ups.
Alex: No one was thinking that.
Mr. Jefferson: No, no. I was. Wait, wait. So, what you’re saying is it’s not for babies? Well, that’s interesting. So, we could hide clues around town?
Andrew: Oh my god, that’s incredible.
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah? Alright.
Kyle: Mr. Jefferson, don’t encourage him.
Mikey: Well, as long as we’re pitching on it, maybe people do teams.
Mr. Jefferson: What did you just say?
Mikey: Well, just like if it’s for grown ups then maybe they need to do it in teams.
Mr. Jefferson: I love that.
James: What if, like, every team has a strong guy and a smart guy?
Andrew: Oh my god!
Mr. Jefferson: Yes.
Alex: Yes, and what about an art guy?
Mr. Jefferson: Yeah. And obviously the other teams would need a gadget guy.
Andrew: Absolutely. Gadget guy.
Mikey: Always in the van.
James: Always in the van. That’s where the tech’s at.
Kyle: Gentlemen, please, this declaration does not need a sick ass treasure map because it already is a map. A map that leads to the greatest treasure of all, democracy.
Mikey: No.[Two people from future arrive]
Mr. Jefferson: Oh-oh!
Alex: Who are you?
Aidy: Well, we com from the future where the declaration has nothing on the back and people are pissed.
Aristotle: With no clues to solve, the people have resorted to violence.
Aidy: Do the right thing. You’ve been warned.[They disappear]
All: Let’s do it! Yeah!