Pizza Place

JJ Watt

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with door bell ringing. The delivery guy gets in. Delivery guy and Heidi are standing, waiting for him.]

Delivery guy: Did somebody order an extra large sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, yeah! We sure did.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Is it nice and hot?

Delivery guy: It sure is, ladies. That’ll be 10 bucks.

Cecily: [moaning voice] Oh, but we don’t have any money.

Heidi: [moaning voice] Yeah, is there any other way we can pay for all the sausage?

Cecily: [moaning voice] Yeah, we’ll do anything.

Delivery guy: I mean, I guess there’s one thing you could do.

[Delivery guy opens his jacked and Heidi and Cecily start touching Delivery guy] [Cut to two hours later at Big Whillie’s Pizza. Kenan is trying to do the accounts but the calculation isn’t right.]

Kenan: I don’t understand. What is going on? I don’t understand why we not making no money. We getting in plenty of orders. Oh, my goodness! What is–

[Delivery guy walks in Kenan’s office]

Kenan: Ay, where have you been?

Delivery guy: Sorry I’m late, man! I don’t think I can do any more deliveries today.

Kenan: You know what? I’ma have to let you go.

Delivery guy: What? You’re firing me? But why, man?

Kenan: Coz you are terrible. Every delivery takes you an hour and then you need a nap. And more importantly, you ain’t brought back a dime yet.

Delivery guy: That’s not my fault. All the customers don’t have any money.

Kenan: This ain’t no charity. This is a business, son. Did you at least bring the pizza back?

Delivery guy: Well, no. Last time I brought one back, you got mad at me.

Kenan: Well, that’s because it had a giant hole cut out the middle of it. Looked like somebody stuck their arm in the damn thing. I can’t resale that.

Delivery guy: Where is that pizza?

Kenan: Well, I just ate it all myself.

Delivery guy: Oh, god, man! Tell me you didn’t eat that pie.

Kenan: I can’t afford to waste no food! I’m broke! Thanks to you. And there weren’t any sausage on it.

Delivery guy: Well, there was.

[phone ringing]

Kenan: Oh, hang on a second there, son. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, Great Big Willie. Can I take your order? Okay, ma’am. So, you want another extra large sausage for you and your sister to share. Okay. Anything else? Well, he’s being fired right now but I can– hello? Hello? Man, damn phone cut out. Look son, when I met you at that bus station bathroom, you told me that you would do anything to make some quick cash. So, I gave you this job but it just ain’t working out.

Delivery guy: You gotta give me another chance, man! I really, really love this job.

Kenan: Oh, do you? Because you don’t act like it. I mean, did you even shower today?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah, why?

Kenan: Coz you smell like shell fish in karate class. I don’t know what it is but you are ripe.

[phone ringing]

Ay, hold on a second there. [talking on the phone] Big Whillie’s Pizza, we come where you ask. Oh, yes ma’am. You want a nice thick meaty sub for your bachelorette party. In fact, I will personally bring it myself. Hello? Hello? We are losing business coz of this damn phone.

Delivery guy: Sir, there’s gotta be something I can do to keep this job. All do anything!

Kenan: Anything?

Delivery guy: Huh?

Kenan: Did you just say you’d do anything to keep this job?

Delivery guy: Um, yeah. I mean, I guess, man!

Kenan: Well, there’s one thing you can do for me.

Delivery guy: Wait a second sir. If you wanna have sex, I’m gonna need like an hour of nap.

Kenan: Have sex? What the hell you talking about?

Delivery guy: Oh, I thought it was like when I trade sex for pizza, man!

Kenan: What? I just wanted you to shoot my father-in-law for me.

Delivery guy: Thank god!

Kenan: So, is that why you never have my money?

Delivery guy: Well, yeah! But I can explain.

Kenan: Get your ass out of my office! Now! You damn sicko!

[Delivery guy leaves] [phone ringing] [talking on the phone] Yes, hello, Big Whillie’s Pizza. Look, lady. We ain’t got no more foot long salami. He has been fired! But can I interest you in a respectable middle sized — hello? Hello? Damn phone!

[The End]