The Play

Sophie Lespazio… Heidi Gardner

Brian… Devon Walker

Brian: Wow, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I am so proud.

Sophie: Thanks, Brian.

Michael: I’m so sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Sophie: Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet. God, this is my first play that’s actually about my life. I’m nervous, Brian.

Brian: Hey, don’t be. Everybody’s gonna love it.

[applause] [Molly playing Sophie Lespazio]

Molly: Sophie Lespazio, what’s happening? It’s your wedding day. And everyone’s expecting you to say I do. But do you? Or for once would you rather do you? [ha-ha-ha] Girl you don’t love his sorry ass.

Sophie: God this actress, she’s amazing.

Brian: Whoa, you almost got married. Okay. I’m surprised that never came up.

Molly: You’re gonna live your true Sophie Lespazio. You’re going to leave this chump and you’re going to have a year 1000 men. And so I did. I dated 1000 men in one year. And that’s when everything changed.

Brian: Did she say 1000 That’s more than two a day.

Sophie: Shh, it gets explained.

Molly: Who did I date? You ask? Everyone from finance bros with perfect abs to Brooklyn artists with uncut dongs. And the left I wanted them, the more they wanted me. I was pulled in all directions.

Men: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.

Marcello: I wanna get drunk on your fumes.

Bowen: I don’t wanna use a condom.

Molly: Fine by me.

Brian: Hey, I think I’m gonna head out.

Sophie: Babe, don’t. Look, it’s loosely based on my life. It’s not all true.

Molly: All of this is true. As God is my witness, there have been no embellishments. About 998 bangs later, I was still feeling totally unfulfilled. But all of that was about to change because I met the one.

Brian: Okay, that’s sweet I guess.

Molly: My ex, Trevor, the one that got away.

Trevor: Hey, babe. I hope you didn’t mind being on TV while we sat courtside at the Lakers game?

Molly: No, that’s okay. I know all those guys anyway.

Brian: What? The Lakers?

Molly: But then I found out an ugly truth about him.

Trevor: Doctors told me I have a condition, or anytime you climax in the future, it’s still because of me.

Molly: And then he broke up with me. He moved to Anaheim to pursue his dream of running social media for Grub Hub. So the next day, I went to a bowling alley to get sloppy drunk when some guy approached me.

[Kenan acting as Brian, portraying him as very dorky person]

Kenan: Hello, I am Brian. Would you like to go out?

Molly: Whatever, I guess.

Brian: Oh my god.

Kenan: Well, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I’m so proud. High-five. Nobody? Okay.

Molly: And after four weeks of dating, I couldn’t hold him off anymore. I had to buck up and finally have sex with him. Urgh.

Kenan: As they say that, the first time for everything.

Molly: It was one of the most painfully bland experiences of my life. And there it was. I had reached by 1000th man. It was time to officially settle in until I met someone who would change my life.

Andrew: Sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.

Molly: I met Mr. 1001.

Brian: Wait, is that the guy from five minutes ago. [Sophie is kissing Michael] Oh, come on!

Irish Play

[Starts with announcer on the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first preview of “A Storm Within” by acclaimed Irish playwright, Rory McFadden. And as I’m sure you’re aware, there is a penis in the show. Yes, we go there. And it better not end up online. If you post it, you will lose the penis. Okay? So just enjoy it, and then let it go. Also, everyone in the show has COVID. So these are all understudies. They’ve had 30 minutes of rehearsal backstage. We could have canceled tonight, but I’m gonna fight with my husband, so I need to be out of the apartment. Our fight may or may not be about the penis in the show. The penis is also being understudied, so I’m excited to see what that’s like. All right. Without further tattoo, we now present “A Storm Within”. That’s just gonna be good.

Melissa: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Mikey: Is that what you took from that?

[Cecily is crying with a baby in her arms]

Cecily: Line?

Announcer: Aalready? You don’t know your first line?

Cecily: No.

Announcer: It’s “Hush now, baby.”

Cecily: Oh, yeah, yeah. Hush, now, baby. Don’t wake your ma’am. She’s sleeping off drink in the other room again. Nan’s here to take care of— Line?

Announcer: Ya.

Cecily: Nan’s here to take care of ya. Is it the penis now?

Announcer: No, it’s an act two. It needs an hour to prep.

[Selena walks in]

Selena: What are you doing with my baby?

Announcer: What is that accent?

Selena: Sorry, I tried the Irish, that sounds weird. So I just did Australian.

Announcer: No, you’re not doing Australian.

Selena: Oh, I think I am mate.

Announcer: Oh my god. Please stop. Do you at least know your lines?

Selena: Yes. I need a line.

Announcer: I need money for whiskey.

Selena: Sorry. I don’t have any money.

Announcer: No, that’s your line. Just do the play.

Cecily: You saw him again, didn’t you? You always act this way when you see him.

Selena: What’s wrong? Are you afraid to say his name?

Cecily: Of course I’m not afraid. But you say it first. Just to remind me what it is.

Selena: No, you should, since you brought it up.

Cecily: Okay, well then, let’s just both say the same time. 1-2-3.

Selena and Cecily: 4-5.

Announcer: I’m assuming from this back and forth that you both forgot the name? It’s Seamus.

Cecily: Seamus. Oh, yeah. Oh, should we do the kiss now?

Selena: Yes. I could not wait more.

Announcer: No, no. You are mother and daughter. There is no kiss.

Mikey: Oh my god. This is horrible.

Melissa: I know. Think about that baby is gonna grow up.

Selena: Why won’t you give me the money, cow?

Cecily: Wash your mouth.

Announcer: It’s watch.

Cecily: Oh, I’m sorry. Wash your watch. I don’t care if you’re my daughter. I’ll call the police.

Selena: Ma’am, I’d be careful. You’re treading a very thin line.

Announcer: Line.

Cecily: What? Who’s?

Selena: What?

Announcer: What? The word line is your line.

Cecily: Oh.

Cecily and Selena: Line.

Announcer: No, not the both. Just keep going.

[door knocking]

Cecily: Who is that? Is that penis? Seamus?

Selena: Well, only one way to find out.

[Selena runs to a door and opens it]

Announcer: No, not that door. That’s where the dogs are at.

[the dogs run into the stage]

Melissa: Wow. It says here the dogs are understudies too.

Announcer: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to play all of the parts. You’ll know who I’m doing because I’ll be doing all of the voices. [clears throat] Ma’am, I didn’t want you to do this. But you’ve left me no choice. Is that our gun, girl? Yeah mate, I got it from Seamus

[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Sorry, I know I’m early, but it’s ready and it needs to be now.

Announcer: What? It’s not supposed to be until act two.

Bowen: Sorry, it has to be now.

Announcer: Well, can you say the line at least?

Bowen: Curse of the Irish, more like blessing. What time is it? Dong o’clock, Ayuga.

Announcer: Okay, those are actually the lines. Just go ahead and show us.

[cut the the audience. They are shocked to see the penis]

Mikey: Wow, they really did go there.

Melissa: I told you.

Leslie Wants To Play Trump

Leslie Jones

Melania Trump… Cecily Storng

Vanessa Bayer

Lorne Michaels

[Starts with Leslie Jones walking in the streets]

Leslie narrating: For a long time, I never thought that this could be possibility.

[Cut to shooting for Alec Baldwin playing Donald Trump]

Alec Baldwin: It’s a disaster. You look at Chicago. The bailiff knows what i”m talking about. You know..

[Cut to 1 and Bobby Moynihan talking off screen]

Leslie: Man! Alec is so good.

Bobby: The best, man! He has got so much material for the next four years.

Leslie: Do you really think he’s going to do this for next four years? Doesn’t he have other stuff to do?

Bobby: I’m not sure. But, I mean, who’s gonna replace him?

[Cut to screen “Leslie wants to play Trump”] [Cut to Leslie Jones narrating]

Leslie narrating: I never dreamed that I could play the president. But then Melissa played Spicer and I was like, “Yo! Why can’t I play Trump?” I knew I had to make this happen. [Leslie Jones is trying to learn how Donald Trump speaks and moves] So I studied everything him.

Leslie: Huge! Huge! Drain the swamp of tremendous Muslims.

Leslie narrating: It even started to affect my relationship.

[Cut to Leslie Jones sitting on Kyle Mooney’s laps. She is lookin at the laptop with headphones on.]

Kyle: Can we just have sex?

Leslie: Come on, Kyle! I have to practice this.

Kyle: Baby, I’m sorry, okay? It’s just, you don’t even look like Donald Trump. You’re too beautiful.

Leslie: Whatever. We already had sex like twice today. Get off me. Jeez.

Leslie narrating: But I just had to commit.

[Cut to the dressing room]

Melissa: Is this like a send up on his fragile masculinity?

Leslie: No.

Sasheer: Is it like a Hamilton thing where you’re making a comment on race and politics?

[Cut to Leslie Jones. She has orange hair and yellow eyebrows ]

Leslie: Nope, it’s about giving America what it wants.

Leslie narrating: Some people couldn’t see it.

Vanessa: A woman playing Trump? It’s an interesting idea, Leslie, but trust me, it will never fly.

Leslie narrating: Finally, it was the moment of truth.

Female voice: Leslie, you can go in now.

Leslie: Um, okay. [acting like Donald Trump] Lorne, baby. I have a huge idea, bigly.

[Cut to Lorne Michaels]

Lorne: It’s not going to happen, Leslie.

Leslie: [disappointed] Alright. I mean, I understand. I understand. [looking at the cameraman] Fellas, hey, can I have a minute, please? [cameras off] [yelling] Don’t say no to me, Lorne! I’ll f* destroy this whole place! I’m so tired of this f* popcorn. Why the f* roses in here? People keep casting me as somebody who always yells. I’m trying to show you I got range. [Leslie is getting violent towards Lorne Michaels] I’m trying to show you something different.

[Cut to Leslie jones being pulled away by the security]

Leslie: I’m going. I’m going. [Vanessa Bayer is walking pass dressed like Donald Trump] Hey, Vanessa! What are you doing?

Vanessa: [acting like Donald Trump] I’m looking out for number one, baby!

Leslie: Man, that bitch is supposed to be my friend, man! Am I fired?

[Cut to Leslie walking out of the building, still dressed as Donald Trump] [A limousine pulls over]

Melania Trump: Donald? Donald? Is that you?

Leslie: Melania? I mean, [acting like Donald Trump] yes, darling, it’s me.

Melania Trump: What are you doing out here in cold? Get in.

[Melania opens the door to limousine] [Leslie Jones gets in the car and the car drives away]