Sophie Lespazio… Heidi Gardner
Brian… Devon Walker
Brian: Wow, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I am so proud.
Sophie: Thanks, Brian.
Michael: I’m so sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.
Sophie: Oh, thank you. That’s so sweet. God, this is my first play that’s actually about my life. I’m nervous, Brian.
Brian: Hey, don’t be. Everybody’s gonna love it.[applause] [Molly playing Sophie Lespazio]
Molly: Sophie Lespazio, what’s happening? It’s your wedding day. And everyone’s expecting you to say I do. But do you? Or for once would you rather do you? [ha-ha-ha] Girl you don’t love his sorry ass.
Sophie: God this actress, she’s amazing.
Brian: Whoa, you almost got married. Okay. I’m surprised that never came up.
Molly: You’re gonna live your true Sophie Lespazio. You’re going to leave this chump and you’re going to have a year 1000 men. And so I did. I dated 1000 men in one year. And that’s when everything changed.
Brian: Did she say 1000 That’s more than two a day.
Sophie: Shh, it gets explained.
Molly: Who did I date? You ask? Everyone from finance bros with perfect abs to Brooklyn artists with uncut dongs. And the left I wanted them, the more they wanted me. I was pulled in all directions.
Men: Sophie, Sophie, Sophie.
Marcello: I wanna get drunk on your fumes.
Bowen: I don’t wanna use a condom.
Molly: Fine by me.
Brian: Hey, I think I’m gonna head out.
Sophie: Babe, don’t. Look, it’s loosely based on my life. It’s not all true.
Molly: All of this is true. As God is my witness, there have been no embellishments. About 998 bangs later, I was still feeling totally unfulfilled. But all of that was about to change because I met the one.
Brian: Okay, that’s sweet I guess.
Molly: My ex, Trevor, the one that got away.
Trevor: Hey, babe. I hope you didn’t mind being on TV while we sat courtside at the Lakers game?
Molly: No, that’s okay. I know all those guys anyway.
Brian: What? The Lakers?
Molly: But then I found out an ugly truth about him.
Trevor: Doctors told me I have a condition, or anytime you climax in the future, it’s still because of me.
Molly: And then he broke up with me. He moved to Anaheim to pursue his dream of running social media for Grub Hub. So the next day, I went to a bowling alley to get sloppy drunk when some guy approached me.[Kenan acting as Brian, portraying him as very dorky person]
Kenan: Hello, I am Brian. Would you like to go out?
Molly: Whatever, I guess.
Brian: Oh my god.
Kenan: Well, my girlfriend Sophie Lespazio, a fancy playwright. I’m so proud. High-five. Nobody? Okay.
Molly: And after four weeks of dating, I couldn’t hold him off anymore. I had to buck up and finally have sex with him. Urgh.
Kenan: As they say that, the first time for everything.
Molly: It was one of the most painfully bland experiences of my life. And there it was. I had reached by 1000th man. It was time to officially settle in until I met someone who would change my life.
Andrew: Sorry to bug you. I’m just a huge fan of your writing. I see all your plays. You’re brilliant.
Molly: I met Mr. 1001.
Brian: Wait, is that the guy from five minutes ago. [Sophie is kissing Michael] Oh, come on!