Tag: Playoffs

Weekend Update Marcello Hernández on the MLB Playoffs

Colin Jost

Marcelo Hernandez

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Major League Baseball season wrapped up this week and the playoffs are underway. Here to give us his thoughts is new SNL cast member Marcelo Hernandez.

[Marcelo Hernandez slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Marcelo Hernandez: Yes, thank you. Thank you, New York. Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: What’s up Marcelo? So are you a baseball fan?

Marcelo Hernandez: Well, Colin, you know, my mom is from Cuba. And my dad is from the Dominican Republic. So obviously, they’re divorced. But it also means I love baseball. You know, Latinos dominate baseball. And I’m not saying we’re naturally better. I’m just saying we’re more fun to watch. I mean, who would you rather watch play baseball? Tanner from Kentucky, or a guy that they call Papi and no one knows why. This guy got so good at his job, everyone started calling him Dad. Like Colin, has anybody here ever called you, daddy?

Colin Jost: I’d rather not say. What about like Aaron Judge? Right? He just hit his 62nd home run, set the AL record

Marcelo Hernandez: Yeah, I think it’s impressive, Colin, but there just wasn’t enough emotion for me. He hits his 62nd home run, puts the bat down gently. And then it’s a couple of high fives and straight to the dugout. When a Dominican guy hits a homerun Colin, he throws the bat to a different dimension. And once he gets the home plate, he thanks everyone he’s ever encountered. He’s like “Thank you to my mother and my sister and my father and that one guy from that day I beat up that one time.” Everything changes when they bring out the Dominican guy. The American announcer who’s been speaking English the whole game gets an accent all of a sudden. Now this guy named Jeff is like, “A now coming to the plane, frrrom San Do-Do-Diego, Starling Marte.” Cue the Merengue music. Even the white guys in the crowd are like, “To-go-to-go-tinga tanka kung kang.” Then this guy comes up and he pulls a chain out of nowhere. He tells the pitcher to relax. And then he brings Jesus into it, he’s like “In the name of the Father and…” And then once he gets to batting, Colin it’s all hips. Do you feel that Colin?

Colin Jost: I’m pretty sure it feel it, yeah.

Marcelo Hernandez: Everyone in the crowd is pregnant by the time he’s done back. And the postgame interviews are different Colin. white guys are so boring. They’re always talking about the game. It’s like we had a game plan and we executed it.

Colin Jost: But I bet Latin guys do a different?

Marcelo Hernandez: Don’t do that, Colin. I don’t like that. But yes, it is very different. After a baseball game, Latin guys, if they do get a sentence off in English, it’s not about the game. The reporter is like “What was going through your head on that 3-2 slider? And then Ramon is like, “Man, I love Miami man. The weather, the people, the food is amazing.” Have you noticed Colin, they really only speak English until they lose patience. You know? You ask them a loaded question and they go, “Well, for the song, I think that—” [starts speaking Spanish aggressive]

Colin Jost: Marcelo Hernandez, everyone.

Marcelo Hernandez: Thank you.

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.

Weekend Update Peyton Manning on the NFL Playoffs

Colin Jost

Peyton Manning

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Last week’s NFL games were some of the most exciting football ever and the playoffs continue tomorrow with the AFC and NFC championships. Here to comment is Hall of Fame quarterback and two time Super Bowl champion, Peyton Manning.

[Peyton Manning slides in]

Peyton Manning: Thank you everyone. Thank you. Thanks for having me, Colin.

Colin Jost: I’m very happy you’re here. Peyton, you probably have a better perspective on this than almost anyone in history. How great were those games?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I heard they were incredible.

Colin Jost: You heard?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, sounds like all the teams did a great job. Lots of passing and all the touchdowns were in the end zone.

Colin Jost: So, you didn’t watch any of the games?

Peyton Manning: Well, I plan to. But I had an hour to kill before the first game and just for fun, I put on the first episode of Emily in Paris, season two. And I watched the entire season straight through. Oh my god, Colin. This show has everything. Romance, adventure, sensuality, culture. A fresh take on feminism, finally. Not gonna mention a culinary tapestry so rich, I can only describe it as food porn.

Colin Jost: Wow. Well, I’m glad you liked Emily in Paris. But in football news, did you hear the rumors that Tom Brady might be retiring?

Peyton Manning: Yeah, I’m not sure it’s true. I think it’s probably just speculation. But if it were me, I probably would retire if it gave me more time to watch Emily in Paris. I really think for Tom right now. It’s just a tough decision between balancing his career and relationships. Sort of like Emily. Let me break it down for you. This is a classic showdown between Emily’s career and her love life. Early on the O’s were getting completely dominated by the axis. And there were a lot of X’s if, you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: I do not know.

Peyton Manning: Gabrielle, Matthew, kiddo, Timothy, Doug from Chicago, obviously. Now Emily wants to go deep on a relationship with Gabrielle and to get ahead at work. But as long as Camille is blocking her, she’s got to go through her progressions and check down to Alfie in the flat. Sure. It feels like a broken play and she’s just dumping it off. But emotionally she’s making forward progress.

Colin Jost: How much time did you spend on this?

Peyton Manning: And don’t even get me started on the coaching, okay? Her friend Mindy seriously told Emily to break her pinky promise to forget about Gabrielle and stay true to Alfie? Saclay blue man. It’s time of season two. You got to call a time out there. Ooh, la la? More like, “Oh no, you didn’t girl.”

Colin Jost: Oh man, I don’t know.

Peyton Manning: But you know what’s not sitting on the sidelines? The fashion. Stripped parachute pants, plaid newsboy hat, fur trim cardigan and fingerless driving gloves? She might not be driving a car, but she sure knows how to drive an episode down the field with these lutes. By the way, that’s look, but it’s spelled L-E-W-K.

Colin Jost: Thanks. Thanks, man. I got it. Honestly, I just cannot believe that you just spent Colin Jost0 straight hours watching Emily in Paris. You could have seen Josh Allen, Patrick Mahomes, one of the best quarterback duels in history.
Peyton Manning: Sure, watching football was the safe thing to do. That’s what everyone expected me to do. But if I’ve learned anything from Emily, it’s to follow my passions and always be true to myself. The French How to saying, “Polly boo francais”, Which means you do you girl.

Colin Jost: No. I’m pretty sure that just means “Do you speak French?”

Peyton Manning: I don’t speak French Colin. But thanks to Emily, I speak love.

Colin Jost: Wow. Alright, so you think that season two was even better than season one?

Peyton Manning: Wait, there’s a season one?

Colin Jost:  Peyton Manning, everyone.

Peyton Manning: Go Bills!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.