Please Don’t Destroy – Road Trip

Jenna: I’ve just been doing a lot of press and these different jobs. Don’t get me wrong. I’m really really grateful. It’s just I’m starting to feel a little burnt out.

John: Oh, that sucks. Martin, are you ready with the playlist?

Martin: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, and I got the Slurpee.

Martin: Dude, nice.

Jenna: I’m sorry. What do you guys doing?

Ben: We’re going on a beautiful cross country American Road Trip.

John: Just us and the open road. It’s gonna be awesome.

Jenna: Wait, can I come?

[music palying]

All: [singing] Hit the open road and catch your ride
arms getting tan on the sunny side
John: I’m on the wheel

Martin: I’m on map

Ben: I’m on snacks

All: And Jenna’s job is to just relax
on a road trip
a great American road trip

we’re going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip
roll down the windows–

Martin: We missed the exit.

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: Okay, just look out for the next one. Need a little heads up?

Martin: Yeah. Okay. It’s just full hard doing music and that.

Ben: Price of being shotgun.

John: Yeah, no, no, it’s fine. Just let’s try to focus on Nav, alright?

Martin: Okay. Yeah. Focus on the Nav.

John: Yeah, thanks.

Martin: [in small voice] You’re not in charge of me.

[music playing]

All: Nod to convertibles when they pass
moon a trucker, put your cheeks on the glass
punch when you’re green, punch when you’re red
see a sign that says we’re going to hell
on a road trip
a great American roadtrip-

Ben: [to Jenna] Sorry, can we cool it with the Slurpee for a second? It’s just right in my ear.

Jenna: Oh, yeah, sorry.

Ben: It’s okay. I’m happy to buy everyone a Slurpee, but you’re just sucking on the- [Jenna doesn’t stop slurping] There’s none left.

Jenna: Okay! Can you scoot over? Your leg hair keeps pressing me.

Ben: Yeah, fine. I’ll move my leg.

Jenna: [checking her phone] Did you just Venmo request me for the Slurpee?

Ben: I don’t have any money, so.

[music playing]

All: Going on a road trip
we’re going on a road trip-

Navigation: Recalculating route.

John: We missed the god damn exit again, Martin?

Martin: I’m sorry, man. I’m getting like a ton of texts.

John: Who could you be texting that isn’t in this car right now?

Martin: It was my mom, man. My dad had a stroke.

Ben: I’m so sorry.

Martin: So yeah, [yelling] sorry I’m not focusing on the Nav.


Martin: I don’t know why I said that. He did not have a stroke.

John: Liar.

Ben: C’mon man.

John: Everybody, we’re having quiet time. Read a book or something.

[music playing]

All: Finally time to chill, I can do what I want
Dive into the new Michelle Obama

Jenna: I’m gonna puke.

John: Do not puke in my car, dude.

Jenna: I get carsick from reading.

Margin: Exit coming up in 1.2 miles.

Jenna: Pull over right now.

Ben: Well, you shouldn’t have sucked down that Slurpee so fast.

Jenna: Shut up, Ben.

Martin: 0.3 miles.

John: Mart, that means nothing to me.

Martin: You told me to focus on the Nav.

Jenna: Oh my god, it’s happening.

Martin: No, no, no, no.

[Jenna pukes Slurpee on car window.]

John: God, we’re going home.

[singing] Late at night and I feel so free
everyone’s asleep except for me
big bright moon hanging in the sky
NAV in my lap and-

[John looks back, and then hits a guy crossing the street]

Ben: What just happened?

John: Nothing. Go back to sleep, everybody. Thanks.

[police siren]

Will you turn the AC on?

Martin: Hot or cold?

John: Both.

[The billboard with Jesus’s picture talks to John]

Jesus: I saw what you did.

All: On a road trip..

Please Don’t Destroy – Self-Defense

Kurt lightning… Travis Kelce

John: Dude, where are our coffees? Wasn’t an intern supposed to grab them?

Ben: Let me check. Looks like they said we don’t get coffee’s for little bitch boys.

John: Again?

Ben: I mean, come on, man? Are we little bitch boys?

John: Guys, we need to learn how to stick up for ourselves.

Ben: We can’t keep getting bullied by interns.

John: I think I know someone who can help us.

Kurt Lightning: I’m Kurt lightning. And I know why you all signed up for my class. You’re searching for confidence. The confidence of not only knowing you can defend yourself, but that you’re somebody worth defending. Say it with me, I am worth it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Say it’s like you mean it.

All: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Feel it. You, get up here. What’s your name, son?

John: John.

Kurt Lightning: Oh, John. I can hear it in your voice. You feel small, don’t you son?

John: Yes.

Kurt Lightning: You got to own it, son. Own your truth.

John: I feel small.

Kurt Lightning: But you’re not small. Put your hands up. I am going to strike. And when I strike you deflect. And I want you to hit me back. And when you do, imagine I’m the voice in your head telling you “You aren’t worth it.” Because what are you?

John: I am worth it.

Kurt Lightning: Now, are you ready?

John: I am ready.

[Kurt Lightning punches John so hard, he is knocked out on the floor]

Kurt Lightning: Woo-hoo. Too slow, fasto. Who’s next?

Ben: John? Are you okay? [to Kurt Lightning] Why did you do that to him?

Kurt Lightning: You’re next.

Ben: No, no, I don’t want to-

Kurt Lightning: Why are you so afraid, son?

Ben: You punched my friend and I’m worried he’s dead.

Kurt Lightning: That’s not it. You’re afriaid that your father was right.

Ben: I don’t want to talk about him.

Kurt Lightning: Well, that’s not an option. Because your father was wrong.

Ben: Kurt, please.

Kurt Lightning: You are a man and I need you to tell him that.

Ben: But how?

Kurt Lightning: Close your eyes.

[Kurt Lightning punches Ben so hard, now he is also knocked out on the floor]

Martin: Oh!

Kurt Lightning: Didn’t stand a chance, bucko! He really closed his eyes. [everyone is laughing]

Martin: Is this what the class is?

Kurt Lightning: You’ve been scared your whole life.

Martin: Oh, no.

Kurt Lightning: You lost your mother at a young age.

Martin: That didn’t happen.

Kurt Lightning: Because your father wasn’t there to protect her.

Martin: You’re making stuff up, man.

Kurt Lightning: But I’m here to show you that a man can defend the ones he loves. I want you to punch this woman right here. [there’s an old lady standing beside him]

Martin: No way.

Kurt Lightning: And I will deflect your strike.

Martin: Okay, but why are we doing this?

Kurt Lightning: I want to show you a real man defends the woman he loves.

Martin: Right, but you’re positive that you will block.

Kurt Lightning: Absolutely.

Martin: Because if I hit this woman, she will die.

Kurt Lightning: Punch her or I’m gonna punch you.

Martin: Okay, you got it.

[The old lady blocks the punch]

Old lady: Nice try, bitch.

Martin: Oh my god.

[Old lady throws Martin hard]

Kurt Lightning: Oh, Shally, you did that damn thing.

[a revolver falls out of Martin’s pants]

John: Martin, a revolver fall out of your pants? Why do you have this?

Martin: Because I live in fear. What do you think of in this class?

Old lady: Give me that. [throws all the bullet away except one] You want to play a game?

John: What? Russian Roullette?

Old lady: Ha-ha-ha. Feeling lucky, slick?

John: Come on, don’t do it.

[Ben throws the old lady to the shelf]

Ben: Are you okay? Oh my god.

[Kurt Lightning starts clapping. Everybody starts clapping.]

Kurt Lightning: Great work guys. You finally stood up for yourself.

Martin: What the hell are you talking about?

Kurt Lightning: I think somebody owes you some coffees.

[the interns walk in with coffees]

Ben: What? The interns?

Intern: Hey guys, after you shove that old lady into the trophy case, I finally respect you.

Ben: Thanks, guys.

[Kurt Lightning hits all three of them and they all fall]

Intern: And here’s your coffee. [they throw coffee on their faces]

Please Don’t Destroy – The Stakeout

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Woody Harrelson

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, and Martin Herlihy in their office.]

Ben: Fellaas, what are we up to tonight? You guys come on over play Tony Hawk I’m busy?

John: I’m busy tonight.

Martin: I’m tired tonight.

Ben: You’re busy and you’re tired.

John: But maybe tomorrow.

Ben: Oh yeah. Cool. Cool. No sweat.

Martin: Next time.

[John and Martin leave] [Woody Harrelson walks in knocking the door]

Woody: Hey man. Everything okay with you and your little friends?

Ben: I don’t know. I’m kind of worried they’re hanging out without me.

Woody: Do you think maybe we should follow them to find out?

Ben: Follow them? You don’t mean-?

Woody: Yeah. Stakeout.

[Ben and Woody are following John and Martin. They reach a house.]

Woody: What are they doing out here in the suburbs?

Ben: Whose house is this?

[John and Martin are playing video game together.]

John: Kickflip.

Martin: Oh dude, oli, oli. I just olied.

Ben: Wow, dude. Okay, I’m gonna text them.

[Ben texts them]

John: Who’s that?

Martin: Ben.

[Martin looks at the message and throws the phone into the trash]

Ben: Did he just throw his phone away?

Woody: That’s a low blow. Well, [pulls out a gun] time to go in there and kill them.

Ben: No, man. What?

Woody: We’ll make it look like a robbery.

Ben: Jesus, dude. That’s not why we’re here. We’re just trying to figure out why they bailed on me. What’s going on with them?

[John and Martin are not cuddling]

Ben: They look really cozy.

John: It’s really nice.

Martin: Yes.

[John and Martin start kissing]

Woody: Hey, are they together?

Ben: What?

Woody: Alright, should we head out?

Ben: No, we’re not done, man. Oh my god.

[John is holding a baby]

Woody: They got a baby too.

John: I’ll email them.

Martin: Kids, dino nuggets are ready.

John: Come on, daddy made your favorite.

[two other children run into the kitchen]

Ben: They have a family?

[a teenager joins them at the dinner table]

Woody: Oh-oh, and one moody teen.

Teen: Dino nuggets again?

Martin: Okay, mister, I worked very hard-

John: Okay, radical acceptance.

Ben: This is insane.

Woody: Ben, it’s 2015. It’s not insane to be gay.

Ben: It’s not 2015, man! And I’m not mad they’re gay. I’m mad they have a secret beautiful life they never told me about.

Woody: Well, maybe they’re just afraid to tell anyone.

[Kenan walks in the house]

Kenan: I brought Keesh.

John: Oh my god. Kids, uncle Kenan’s here.

Ben: Uncle Kenan? Okay, well, I’m gonna text him because Kenan wouldn’t lie to me.

[Ben texts Kenan. Kenan checks his phone, shakes his head and throws his phone into the trash]

They can’t just keep throwing their phones away.

Woody: Man, you never saw any signs of this in the past.

Ben: I mean, not that I remember. We would just hang out and laugh together. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me because they were afraid to hurt me. They can’t risk losing me because they love me too much.

Woody: Are you sure?

[The kids are hitting a punching bag that has Ben’s face on it with baseball bats]

Ben: Where did they even get that?

John: Alright, kids. Time for bed. We got work to do.

Ben: Work? What work?

[John and Martin are auditioning for ‘new Ben’]

Martin: Next. Excellent. Whenever you’re ready.

[there are few people who are auditioning for the role]

Woody: It’s like they’re doing auditions to replace you.

Actor: Oh, John, did you get a weird new haircut?

John: Way funnier than Ben?

Ben: Okay, I’m going in there.

John: And Saturdays, you’re available? Because-

Martin: Ben, it’s not what it looks like.

Ben: Then tell me what it is.

Martin: John and I have a secret family and we’re holding auditions to replace you.

Ben: That’s what I thought it was. This is insane, man. Why are you doing this?

John: You’re right, man. What are we doing? We shouldn’t be holding auditions to replace him.

Martin: Because the group would be fine if it was just us two.

Ben: Wha?

John: But we wouldn’t do that to you. Because there’s only one you.

Martin: And you are irreplaceable. Right, Ben?

[Woody is wearing red wig. He has already replaced Ben.]

Woody: Thanks, guys. Bad Boys for life. Man. I feel like we’re back at NYU right now.

[Cut to John and Martin watching the video at their office.]

Martin: Oh my God, he is so much better than Bne.

John: He’s the perfect replacement.

Please Don’t Destroy – Plirts

Ben: I don’t know, something like that.

Austin: Gerace Jim Henson. Yeah, that bet could be a funny sketch.

Ben: Thanks, man. Yeah. Hey, why don’t we celebrate with a glass of red wine?

Austin: it’s pretty early, but okay.

Ben and John: Oh, cheers.

[Ben and John pulls out glasses of wine and intentionally pour them on their shirts]

Ben: Oh, my shirt. Now I’m gonna look like a slob for the date I have tonight.

John: Gosh, Austin, don’t you hate when this happens? I just wish there was a solution to this very common problem. [looks at the door] [loudly] I said I wish there was a solution to this very common problem.

Ben: Mart!

[Martin walks in wearing a plastic shirt]

Martin: Well now, there is. With the Plirt, the world’s first shirt made of 100% real plastic.

Ben: That’s plastic? But it looks just like a regular shirt.

Martin: I know it does. But it’s made of plastic which means its spills and stains rinse right off.

Austin: Guys, what’s going on?

[John throws wing at Martin and wipes the wine right out]

Ben and John: Wow.

John: Thanks so Martin’s Plirt, his date night just turned into a sex night. [now Ben and John are also wearing the Plirt] Man, they are comfy. Hey, Martin, this company looking for investors?

Martin: They need investors bad because they’re so in the red right now.

John: Austin?

Austin: Oh, you want me to invest in your company?

Martin: And would you believe us if we told you they were good for the environment?

Austin: Plastic shoots? No.

Martin: Exactly. It’s not. But I was hoping you would believe.

Ben: Come on, Elvis. Try one on.

Austin: Geez, okay. [now he’s also wearing a Plirt] This is more like a phone case.

John: So, do you want to invest? We googled them we know you have enough money.

Austin: Well guys, I can’t move my arms in this.

Ben: Sure, you can watch me grab this cup. [he can’t] I almost had it.

Martin: Bottom line, Plirts are stylish, stain proof and not for pregnant women.

Austin: What was the last one?

Ben: Sleek, lightweight and internal temperature of 110 degrees.

Devon: That’s why I always wear my Plants. [he’s wearing a plastic pants]

Austin: You too?

Marcello: And they also sell Plats and Plackets. [comes in wearing plastic hat and jacket]

Martin: And for summertime fun, they even sell Plinkinis and Plimplungs.

Austin: I feel like I’m having a stroke. Why are you guys talking like this?

John: Because we need that money, man. We make $30 a video. Just gve us the money.

Austin: How did you get the money for the Plothing?

Martin: I got a little help from a girlfriend.

[Lizzo comes in wearing plastic dress]

Lizzo: Hi, babe.

Martin: Oh, hey sweetie.

Austin: You’re dating Lizzo?

Martin: Yeah, man. My life’s a [bleep] movie.

Lizzo: Oh, and by the way, Martin, I got no Planties on.

Austin: What is going on?

Marcello: Dude, where the hell did you get this plastic.

Ben: Jersey, why?

Marcello: The Plat made my hair fall out. [He shows his head. He’s bald.]

Austin: Guys, these are dangerous and insane. They do not belong in the office or on the streets. They belong in the runway.

[cut to them having a photoshoot for Plirts.]

Austin: Love might just be a chemical, then again, so is plastic.

Female voice: Plirts by Plirts Jacobs.

Please Don’t Destroy – Chelsea

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Chelsea… Sarah Sherman

Courtney… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Ben, John and Martin in their office.]

John: Do you guys remember Chelsea?

Ben: Your ex Chelsea?

John: Yeah.

Ben: Oh, I haven’t thought about her in a while.

Martin: Honestly, when you guys broke up, it was like such early.

Ben: Yeah, she was kind of the worst, man.

Martin: Just like a negative person.

Ben: Like a bad person.

Martin: Yeah, like, whenever she would walk into a room, it would be like “Okay, I guess this room is just gonna suck for a little bit.”

Ben: Sometimes I would have daydreams about her getting stepped on by a giant.

Martin: And she would always have like food all over her shirt like a baby.

Ben: She’d be like, “Oh, does this hot dog belong on my shirt or in my mouth?”

Martin: “Oh, I’m Chelsea. I’m cruel and I smell like a dead guy’s fridge.”

Ben: She stung. She was stinky.

Martin: She was like pond scum. Like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Ben: A sewer runoff. Yes. Ew. Chelsea. Why? What’s up with Chelsea?

John: We got back together.

Ben: You did?

John: And she’s right here.

[Chelsea is sitting on the couch right beside them]

Ben: Chelsea. It is so good to see you. John, what the hell? So you guys serious or casual?

Chelsea: John just proposed, wedding’s in June.

Ben: Love it.

Martin: I can’t wait to meet the fam.

John: You already did. They’re watching on Zoom.

[The whole family is on Zoom group call]

Ben: What’s up family? Y’all don’t seem too happy with me.

Dad: Anyone talks crap about my daughter, I’ll hunt you down and I swear to God…

[Ben closes the computer]

Ben: Close out of that one.

Martin: Hey Chelsea, do you remember the stuff we were talking about earlier?

Chelsea: I do.

Martin: You do? Well, we were actually talking about John’s other ex, Courtney.

Ben: Yes, Courtney was the one who was like a fugly nerd.

[Cortney is also sitting on the couch]

Courtney: Wow.

Ben: Courtenay. Good to see ya.

Martin: Look, we didn’t mean to insult you guys.

John: Really? You didn’t mean to insult them? Stenographer, read back the Rebecca remarks please?

[There’s a stenographer in front of the door]

Stenographer: She was like pond scum, like a sloppy pile of sewer runoff.

Martin: Where are all of you coming from?

Ben: Get out of my office, you weiordo.

Steve Martin: Don’t talk to her that way. That’s my wife.

Ben: What? That’s your wife?

Steve Martin: No, it isn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You two are fugly on the inside.

Martin: Steve, come on. You’re our favorite host.

Martin Short: Favorite host?

Ben: Damn it.

Martin Short: I’m telling Michael Che.

Michael Che: Not cool, guys.

Ben: Che?

Martin: Why were back there?

Michael Che: What is my number one rule about SNL?

Ben: ABC rule.

Michael Che: That’s right. ABC. Always be kind. You broke that rule. So Martin, you’re fired.

Martin: What? Just me? Why? Ben’s the one who started this.

John: Can you not talk about Ben that way? He’s right here.

[Ben is now sitting between John, Chelsea and Courtney.]

Ben: That’s really not cool, man.

Martin: Oh my god.

Steve Martin: Come on everybody, but Martin. Let’s go back to my apartment. You can all take one thing home with you.

All: Yay.

Martin: Now I’m all alone. And it’s Christmas.

[Chelsea’s dad walks in]

Dad: You talk crap about my daughter? You dead.

[Starring Sarah Sherman’s Real Dad]

Please Don’t Destroy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy in their office looking exhausted]

Ben: Man I haven’t been feeling good lately. Just like healthy healthy.

John: Totally. I’ve been feeling Fuego.

Martin: Looking Fuego too.

Ben: It’s so important as we get older that we start taking care of ourselves. You know what I mean? Like, wellness.

John: Wellness. Oh my god. It’s so important.

Ben: My big thing I’m trying to crack right now is my screen time. Right now, I’m up to 23 and a half hours a day.

Martin: You got to do better.

Ben: That’s not great.

John: I’ve been trying to get in shape. Have you guys heard of intermittent fasting?

Ben: Yeah. Are you doing that?

John: No, I’m doing intermittent sleeping. Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, I’m not sleeping.

Ben: Is it working?

John: Not yet.

Ben: Okay, cool. Mark, how about you?

Martin: Oh, well, I got this new post workout smoothie I’ve been loving.

Ben: Oh, smoothies time what’s in it?

Martin: Just like milk, ice cream, chocolate sauce.

John: Oh, a milkshake.

Martin: A milkshake, yes. Why? What did I say?

Ben: We’re doing so well.

Martin: So good.

John: The best.

Ben: And I’m feeling kind of miserable.

Martin: So miserable.

John: The worst. Oh, guys. I’m on a new medication.

Ben: That’s great, buddy.

John: It’s like Zoloft, but just the side effects. So very depressed, but my penis is broken.

Ben: That sucks.

Martin: And I just signed up for a new gym.

Ben: Which one you go with?

Martin: This is gonna sound kind of weird, but it’s called Cigarette Fitness.

Ben: Oh my god. So it’s a smoking gym?

Martin: A smoking gym. That’s right.

Ben: Dude, did you know you can delete money from your bank account? Bing. I’ve been mad into that.

Martin: God, we are doing so well right now.

Ben: Totally, we’re slipping away.

John: Ever since a pandemic, the light just keeps getting dimmer.

Martin: Dimmer, yeah.

Ben: Dating, yeah.

Martin: I’ve forgotten how to dance.

Ben: Oh, remember dancing?It was like… I don’t know why we ever did that.

Martin: Oh, I’ve been seeing a therapist.

Ben: Really?

Martin: Yeah, like all over the place. I don’t think she’s really there.

Ben: Oh, like a hallucination.

[Martin is seeing a woman waving at him standing behind Ben]

I’m trying to kick all my bad habits man. I mean, I gotta stop grinding my teeth.

[Ben shows his teeth. It looks horrible]

Is it bad?

John: Yes. You look like Gollum.

Martin: God, I just need a day where I go to the park, take off all my clothes and start screaming about how there’s too many wires in the world.

Ben: One day is all we ask.

All: Just one day.

[Cut to Wellness commercial video]

Female voice: Wellness, brought to you by Oral B mouthguards.

Please Dont Destroy Tommy

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Tommy… Brendan Gleeson

[Starts with high school graduates having a party]

John: Yo, Anthony, get off the island, bro. My mom is gonna freak out. Oh my god.

Martin: John, this party rocks.

Ben: It’s like legendary.

Tommy: Totally. Let’s hope your mom lets him drink.

John: She’s got to. We’re seniors now.

Tommy: Seniors. God, it feels so weird to say that. So used to being the junior.

Martin: Look at us grown up.

Ben: Oh, I got my Penn State app done by the way.

John: Dude, me too brother.

Martin: Same. Hello? Future roomies. What about you, Tommy? Done with your app?

Tommy: Actually, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’m not applying to Penn State.

John: What? Why?

Ben: You’re playing Harvard aren’t you, pal?

John: Tommy!

Martin: Oh, you friggin brainiac!

Tommy: No, no. Guys, look, remember when I told you I was 17?

Ben: Yeah, we all are.

Tommy: I’m 67.

Martin: What?

Tommy: I’m 67 years old.

Ben: No, you’re 17, you’re from New Jersey. Your name is Tommy Porcha Purchiano.

Tommy: My name is Seamus O’sullivan. I’m a 67 year old Irishman.

John: So let me get this straight. when we would skip seven periods, sneak beers, you were what? Some old guy?

Tommy: Think about it. When you are dragging crappy beer, I was drinking?

John: A glass of whiskey with a big square ice cube.

Martin: but Porcha, you’re the craziest kid in school. I mean, you did drugs in class.

Tommy: Those were blood thinners.

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: So all those times after gym class when we were nervously changing and you were really comfortable being asked nude?

Tommy: That’s just the way old fellas are.

Ben: Tommy, why are you in high school?

Tommy: I don’t know. I just felt lost. And then I watched Gossip Girl. And it just seemed fun.

Ben, John and Martin: What?

Ben: Come on, man.

Margin: You watched Gossip Girl and enrolled in high school?

Tommy: [mocking] You saw Gossip girl and then you enrolled in high school? I saw it with my wife.

Ben: Dude, you have a wife?

Tommy: Yes. And 13 children. Ah! Do you think they’d be mad at me?

Martin: Of course they’re gonna be mad at you.

Ben: Come on guys, let’s get the hell out of here.

John: I do just have one question. What any of this real?

Tommy: Was it real? Ben, when you forgot your lunch money, what did I do?

Ben: You gave me half your cabbage.

Tommy: When we were having body image issues, what did I do to make you feel better?

Martin: You took your shirt off and jumped around a little.

Tommy: John, when your father passed, who was there to support your family?

John: You.

Tommy: Staying with your mother every night, giving her massages, sleeping in our bed?

John: I didn’t know that happened.

Tommy: Just saying. You’re my boys. Weren’t about to have an epic senior year.

Martin: Wait, then what about your family?

Tommy: Don’t be dumb. I’m not going to miss me senior year. Not when we finally run this school.

All: Yeah!

Martin: [showing his car keys] Anybody needs a lift?

[cut to Tommy, Ben, John and Martin on a car. Tommy is standing behind at the back of the pickup.”

Tommy: I feel infinite.

[now everyone is standing at the back of the pickup”

All: I feel infinite.

Please Dont Destroy Future Selves

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins, Martin Herlihy chilling in their office]

John: Dude, do you ever want to just go home, have a couple of drinks and just drive?

Ben: Cruise, right?

Martin: John, that’s drunk driving.

John: Oh, right. Right.

[suddenly everything starts shaking. A portal appears and three old men walk in through the portal.]

Martin: Who the hell are you?

Old Martin: We’re you, from the future.

Old John: We’ve come back in time to deliver you a great warning.

Old Martin: In the future climate change has turned the planet into an uninhabitable–

Martin: First of all, hello. Can we talk about this first? Because this is crazy.

John: How are our lives going?

Ben: Are we rich? I had to ask. Are we rich?

Old Ben: No. Actually, in a lot of debt.

Ben: Oh, debt? Oh.

Martin: But family life’s good? We’re all married.

Old Martin: No! No woman can hold me down. Huh?

Martin: Oh, that’s pretty cool.

Old Martin: I’ve been through a really bad divorce. But if we can act now we can avoid total human extinction—

Martin: I don’t care.

Old Martin: What?

Martin: If you’re what I’m working towards, I’d honestly rather just die now. I mean, this is what happens to me? I get divorced so hard, I start dressing like Jared Leto.

Ben: You have way too many accessories for a man over 70.

John: And then you look at this guy. [at old Ben] It’s just like, oh!

Ben:  mean, who do you think you’re fooling with that wig?

Old Ben: What wig?

Ben: What wig? Did you only age from the forehead down.

Old John: Show some respect over here, hah!

John: Stop. What the hell happened? Why are you way more Italian than I am?

Old John: Oh, ay!

John: Oh, ay! Why are you talking like that?

Old John: Talking like that?

John: This is a tragedy, dude. I turned into Paulie Walnuts.

Old Martin: Guys, we really need to get back to climate change.

Ben: Yeah, no. We’re so past that. Did you ever sail across the world?

Old Ben: Almost. But then my house burned down? On my birthday.

Ben: Why are you the saddest man I’ve ever seen in my life?

Old Ben: Stop playing into us. You’re the ones who made us this way.

Ben: Oh really? I made you put that wig on man. Dude. You just look like the ghost of Ed Sheeran

Old Ben: Suck it, weirdo.

Ben: The wig’s coming off

[Ben starts to pull old Ben’s hair]

Old John: Get your hands off him before I call my guys on you.

John: Your guys? He is from the mafia?

Martin: Fine! Let the planet burn. We’re out of here.

Martin: Get out of here.

John: Oh, one last thing before we go. [looking at the camera] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ben: What is that, man?

John: Just go.

Please Don’t Destroy – Touch Up

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with John looking at their group pictures.]

John: Dude, these look great.

Martin: Yeah, we should post that.

[Ben walks in. His face looks really, really weird]

Ben: What’s up, my dudes?

John: Oh my god!

Martin: Oh no! What happened?

Ben: Oh sorry. I’m late. The bone by the subway. “Damn you see train.” How y’all doing?

John: No. Dude. your face. Did you get botox?

Ben: Oh, you guys can tell?

John: Yes.

Ben: Yeah, just got a little touch up.

John: What?

Martin: So, this was intentional? Not an accident?

Ben: Yeah, figured we’re gonna be on camera a little more. Might as well look my best.

Martin: Ben, you know I love you.

Ben: Love you too.

Martin: You look like you drowned.

John: I feel like I’m at your wake. You look embalmed.

Ben: I asked for the Chalamet. Is that coming through?

Both: No!

Ben: I like it man. I paid top dollar for this thing.

Martin: How much?

Ben: 150 bucks.

Martin: That’s not enough.

John: For full face botox?

Ben: That sucks. I wish there was an undo button for this thing.

John: Your face isn’t even moving when you laugh, dude. This is so bad.

[while John is covering his face, his fingers look way too longer than usual]

Ben: I’m sorry. What did you do?

Martin: Oh my god.

Ben: What is with your fingers?

John: Oh yeah, I got some work done myself.

Martin: You got longer fingers?

John: Oh my God. We are not making this about my finger.

Ben: What? You extended them?

John: You know how many YouTube comments there were about how short they were before.

Martin: Well, now you look like the Babadook.

John: Wow, Martin. How about you go shhh.

Martin: Don’t touch my mouth.

Ben: You look like Pan’s Labyrinth.

John: Do I?

Ben: Do this. That’s Pan.

John: Oh yeah. Sure. Fine. But these fingers rock. I feel more confident. I play guitar easier. I can do cool stuff like, “West side”.

Ben: I got botox. I look good.

Martin: You know what? Should I get some work done on my face?

John: No.

Ben: You don’t need it.

Martin: I know. I’m talking about my second face.

[Martin pulls out his wig. There’s a second small face on his scalp.]

Ben: Ew. What is that?

Martin: I know, I know. He needs a nosejob.

John: No. What the hell is it? Does it talk?

Martin: He used to but then I think he died. Okay. This is so toxic. Can we all agree that we’re beautiful on the inside?

Ben: I guess so.

John: Yeah.

Martin’s second face: I agree.

Ben: Who said that?

Martin’s second face: It was me. You guys are beautiful.

Please Dont Destroy Three Sad Virgins ft Taylor Swift

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

Pete Davidson

Taylor Swift

[Starts with Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy at their office.]

Ben Marshall: Just feels like the whole thing is there.

[door knocking]

John Higgins: Come on in.

[Pete Davidson walks in]

Pete Davidson: Hey, what’s up, boys?

Ben Marshall: Hey, Pete in the house.

Martin Herlihy: The king of Staten Island himself.

Pete Davidson: What?

Martin Herlihy: Nothing. What’s up?

Pete Davidson: Well, I just want to say first off you guys have been making some really fun videos for the show this year.

Ben Marshall: Thank you, man. That’s very nice.

Pete Davidson: It got me thinking. I was like, we should all do a video together. I had this idea where maybe we could do like a music video about how we’re all like best friends and how we’re like boys.

Ben Marshall: Then we would be in it with you.

Pete Davidson: Yeah, you guys would be the boys. So, yeah.

John Higgins: Yeah. Oh my god.

Pete Davidson: Let’s do it.

[music video starts]

Pete Davidson: Yeah, it’s Pete, PDD. Let’s go.

[rapping] Another day in the life of Pete
just sitting in the court side seat
People want to take my picture with selfie sticks
that winds up on page six
It’s never ending, everyday I’m trending
people want to see the text that I’m sending
All my friends are cool and famous
Except these three sad virgins

Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh
Three sad virgins, woh

Ben Marshall: Hey, can we timeout for a second?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. What’s going on, guys? Having fun?

John Higgins: I’m having a blast. Quick question. Is this about us?

Pete Davidson: Which part?

Martin Herlihy: I guess the three sad virgin part?

Ben Marshall: Like, we have had sex. Maybe not super recently. But…

Pete Davidson: Guys, it’s just a parody video. You guys are just playing characters.

Martin Herlihy: Characters.

Ben Marshall: So, people won’t think it’s us.

Pete Davidson: It’s not about you at all.

[back to music video] [rapping] The names are Martin, Ben and John
And they’ve worked at the show on Monday
just don’t have any swag
they’re tall and weird and sad

John’s loud but not very smart

Ben’s breath kind of smells like a fart
and Martin’s penis tip is way to red
at least that’s what his doctor said

Three sad virgins, woh

Three sad virgins, woh

John Higgins: Oh my god.

Martin Herlihy: That was my real doctor.

Ben Marshall: I gotta say something.

John Higgins: Yeah, you should. Yeah.

Ben Marshall: Pete.

Pete Davidson: What’s up?

Ben Marshall: We love it.

All: We love it.

Ben Marshall: I just had one like tiny thought.

John Higgins: This guy’s notes. leave it as it is. It’s rockin, dude

Pete Davidson: Do you have an ashtray by any chance? [John Higgins gives him his palm to put the ash on] Oh, yeah. Thanks.

Ben Marshall: Only the thing is, maybe it could just be like completely different.

Pete Davidson: Oh, okay.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, maybe it’s something topical like, Dune’s a big movie.

Ben Marshall: Something with Dune.

John Higgins: A Dune rap.

Pete Davidson: Alright. Alright, guys. It’s now a Dune rap. So, let’s get some [bleep] sand in here. Alright.

[rapping] The planet Dune is very nice
it’s a world that’s made a spice
it’s Sandy like a plier was Zendaya
I’m gonna ride a worm and these guys suck

Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins on Dune

John Higgins: Why is he humiliating us? Ben, why are you dressed as Wendy from Wendy’s?

Ben Marshall: I can’t give you through it.
Martin Herlihy: Why are we up here?

John Higgins: He said we’re like the flying sad sag.

Ben Marshall: You know what? We can’t stand for this.

[Ben Marshall tries to get off the ropes, then falls down]

Pete Davidson: Are you guys ready to go again?

All: No.

Ben Marshall: We can’t do this anymore. Okay? It’s humiliating.

Pete Davidson: Damn, guys. I’m sorry. I thought this would be a fun thing for all of us. If it’s not then, let’s just end it.

John Higgins: Thanks, Pete.

Martin Herlihy: Thank you.

Pete Davidson: I mean, after we do the bridge.

John Higgins: Wait, what bridge?

[Taylor Swift walks in]

Taylor Swift: Hey, Pete.

Pete Davidson: Oh, hey, Taylor.

Taylor Swift: [singing] Ben is like a sad Ron Weasley
he looks like if Big Bird lost all his feathers
And Martin has the charm and sex appeal of a scarecrow
John has a big ass bowling ball head
How does he stay upright with that big fat head
and none of them have the guts to take their shirts off in front of a girl

Three sad virgins, what? 
Three sad virgins, who
Three sad virgins, what?
Three sad virgins, woh

and they’re gonna die alone