Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor
Dad… Fred Armisen
John… Beck Bennett
Mom… Maya Rudolph
Grandpa… Will Farrell
[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]
Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.
Dad: Yeah, it sure is.
[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]
John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.
Dad: We don’t have last names, John.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: I guess you did.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.
John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.
Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.
[Cut to everybody]
[John leaves]
Pocahontas: Okay.
Mom: John seems nice.
[Cut to Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: A paleface?
Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.
[Cut to Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.
[John walks in]
John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.
[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]
Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: Yeah, couple weeks.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: I do, I do.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Dad: Well, I see.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.
[Cut to everybody]
Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—
Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Both: Grandpa.
Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Fox.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Exactly.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?
[Cut to everybody]
Grandpa: Fine by me.
Dad: Yes.
Pocahontas: Please.
John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.
Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.
[Cut to Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.
[Cut to Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—
[Cut to Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.
[John walks in]
John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Bone dry again.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: Stop it.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: John, please stay.
Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: Me, too.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.
John: Oh.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.
[Cut to Mom and Dad]
Mom: Right. Like three or four.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.
[Cut to Grandpa]
Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.
[Cut to John and Pocahontas]
John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?
[Cut to everybody]
Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.
John: Oh. Sorry.
Everybody: Grandpa!
[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]
Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.
[Cheers and applause]