Paleski… Chris Hemsworth
Ruman… Kyla Mooney
Doctor… Kenan Thompson[Starts with a crossfire between a man and police.]
Sasheer: 2-7. Shots fire at North River Street. Request backup.[The man shoots and Paleski gets hit. The man runs.]
Paleski, you’ve been hit.
Paleski: I’m fine.
Sasheer: But you’re bleeding.
Paleski: I don’t have time to bleed. Now come on, let’s finish this.[Paleski runs after Ruman any way] [Cut to Sasheer running into an empty floor.]
Paleski: [echo sound] Ruman.
Ruman: [looking around and pointing the gun] Where you at, Paleski? I know you’re here.[Paleski suddenly appears behind Ruman.]
Paleski: Hey, baby.[as Ruman turns around, Paleski punches him on hi face and Ruman faints.] [Sasheer reaches the scene]
Sasheer: 2-7. Suspect has been subdued.
Paleski: Translation, knocked the hell out.[Paleski groaning because of the pain]
Sasheer: Okay though guy. Let’s get you to a doctor.
Paleski: Or maybe you can kiss and make it better.[Cut to press conference held by the police]
Beck: For bravery, in the line of duty, we award this medal to Sargent Peter Paleski.[Paleski receives the medal.]
Sasheer: I didn’t know they give award to stubborn sons of bitches.
Paleski: Yeah, I’ll hang them in my bad. Would you come see them sometime?[Paleski groaning]
Sasheer: What’s wrong? [Paleski is still bleeding] Oh, my god! Did you not go to the hospital?
Paleski: Relax. I’m fine.
Sasheer: Paleski, you don’t need to be the tough guy anymore. You need to see a doctor.
Paleski: I will. But first I gotta finish this thing all the way.[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski working at the office. Paleski is bleeding but he’s still turning papers on his desk with his bloody hands.]
Sasheer: Okay, this is just stupid.
Paleski: It’s the job, okay? You know, paper work is the job.
Sasheer: You’re getting blood everywhere.
Paleski: You know, I know another place where we can get my blood from. It’s my penis.
Sasheer: It doesn’t make sense.[Jon walks in]
Jon: Bad news, Ruman made bail.[Paleski bands the table]
Paleski: God dammit! I gotta go blow off some steam.[Cut to Paleski hitting the boxing pads. He’s still bleeding so he doesn’t have the strength.] [Sasheer walks in]
Sasheer: You really don’t look good.
Paleski: Yah, maybe on opposite’s day.
Sasheer: I think you have lead poisoning from that bullet.
Paleski: You know, I got a little bullet in my penis too.[Paleski falls down.] [Cut to Paleski laying on a hospital bed. Sasheer is sitting beside him.]
Paleski: Looks like you finally got your wish.[door knock] [Doctor walks in]
Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Paleski. I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover elective surgeries. Can’t give you those calf implants after all.
Sasheer: No. He’s here coz he got shot.
Doctor: Huh? Not what he told me.
Paleski: Don’t listen to her. She’s joking.[Paleski removes the blanket and he is bleeding all over the bed.] [Paleski walks out on the patient’s gown bleeding all over it.]
Sasheer: No! What is your problem? Dammit, Paleski. You need to take care of yourself. I need to–[Ruman jumps in and holds Sasheer at a gun point from behind]
Ruman: You really thought you could beat me?[Paleski is trying to aim at Ruman but he can’t because he is shaking.]
Sasheer: Don’t shoot Paleski. You can’t make the shot.
Paleski: Tell me that tomorrow when you’re making me breakflahh—
Sasheer: Are you saying breakfast?[Paleski shoots. He gets Ruman the third time.]
Sasheer: Nice shot, Paleski.[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski waking up on the same bed.]
Looks like you got your Christmas gift after all.[The bed is full of blood.] [Sasheer shakes Paleski’s shoulder]
Oh, he’s dead.[The End]