Michael Keaton
Portia… Kate McKinnon
Jordan… Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with an Easter basket and a rabbit]
[Cut to Michael inside a house]
Michael: Oh, hi. [Michael pulls out an Easter basket] Well, it’s that time again, everybody. It’s Easter. Let’s see what’s in our Easter basket. Hmm… This… this is an Easter egg guys. I think it’s eggs. This… [Michael gets a stuffed rabbit] this is a blush bunny rabbit. I call him Glenny, after Glenn Close. Yesterday was good Friday. But this… [Michael shows a DVD of the TV show ‘Friday’] this is the best Friday. [Michael looks away] Hey, Portia, how’s it going over there?
[Cut to Michael and Portia. Portia is wearing bunny ears on her.]
Portia: Good.
Michael: What… what are you doing?
[Cut to Portia]
Portia: I’m hiding eggs. [Portia takes an egg from the bucket and hits it on the wall.]
[Cut to Michael]
Michael: [giggling] How cute is she? The answer is, “Kind of.” And for our Jewish friends, [Michael gets a bread] this is unleavened bread. Which means, unlike Jesus, it doesn’t rise. Jesus one, bread nothing. [Michael throws away the bread.]
Oh, look here. [Michael gets the chocolate egg] This is a Cadbury egg. I gave these up for Lance last year. You know what they gave up this year? Cocaine… Almost.
Hey, Portia, what have you got over there?
[Cut to Portia holding a chick]
Portia: A child chicken.
[Cut to Michael and Portia]
Michael: Where did you find it?
[Cut to Portia]
Portia: Hmm, he found me. Online.
[Cut to Michael]
Michael: Yikes! In here, oh yeah, this. [Michael gets a marshmallow] Here’s marshmallow peep. I coughed this out whole this morning.
[looks nicely at the camera]
Something’s wrong with me. And these… [Michael gets the Jordan almonds] these are Jordan almonds. And, this is my friend Jordan.
[Jordan walks in]
He’s not an almond but he’s a nut. Show em’
[Jordan makes weird noises and leaves]
Yeah, told ya’! Hey, Portia, what’s your chic doing?
[Cut to Portia]
Portia: Um, I think he’s hungry. Eat your own nugget.
[Portia gives chicken nugget to a chic ]
[audience screaming ‘Aw!’]
[Cut to Michael]
Michael: Wow. This kid has all the warning signs.
[Michael gets a small Santa]
Oh, look at this. Look at this. Santa. What’s this little turkey doing in here? Ha-ha-ha. We got work for you. Attention whore!
[Michael gets a stuffed monkey]
This is an Easter monkey. They say we descended from this. Yeah right! [Michael throws the stuffed monkey away]
And this is a chocolate bunny. [Michael gets the chocolate bunny] It’s actually hollow. Some people like the solid ones, but then, how are you gonna get your wiener in there?
Oh, boy. Look at this. [someone gives Michael a cocktail] Egg salad cosmo. Yeah! Don’t mind if I do.
Happy Easter everybody. [Portia walks behind Michael] Happy Easter Portia.
Portia: Happy Easter Michael Keaton.
[Jordan comes in and makes weird sound again]