Post-Quarantine Conversation

Kate Mckinnon

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Elon Musk

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, every conversation with people you haven’t seen since quarantine started.

[Cut to people at a party. Kate walks to Beck.]

Kate: Hey.

Beck: Hi.

Kate: Good to see you. It’s been– Well, it’s been since before quarantine.

Beck: Yes. Totally. How– How was it?

Kate: Um, yeah, it was okay. Considering. It was okay.

Beck: Yeah.

Kate thinking to herself: Who the fuck is this? Is this a person I know?

Beck: It’s such a weird time. But things seem to be opening up again. Fingers crossed.

[both laughing]

Beck thinking to himself: Who the hell is this woman? Is she my wife’s friend? Or do our kids go to school together?

[Cut to Chris and Ego chatting on a sofa]

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now. What’s summer even going to be like?

Ego: I know, right? Like, will people travel and do stuff?

Chris: I will get on a plane with you right now.

[both laughing]

Chris thinking to himself: Is she my cousin? Hope I’m not flirting with someone that might be my cousin.

Ego thinking to herself: He remembers he’s my cousin, right? And how many times can a person say, “it’s such a crazy time right now”?

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon chatting]

Heidi: So, did you travel at all?

Elon: No. You?

Heidi: No.

Elon: Cool.

Heidi thinking to herself: Is this really a conversation?

Elon thinking to himself: I think this is going pretty well.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: And how was your quarantine?

Kate: You asked me that already. But you know, it was okay. Some ups and downs.

Kate thinking to herself: Ups and downs? You stabbed your husband with a screwdriver. You won’t finish the bookshelf and you stabbed him. You don’t even own books.

Kate: But I’m sure we all went through some stuffs.

Beck: Totally.

Beck thinking to himself: It affected me zero.

Beck: But I think I’m just going to be extra cautious for the rest of my life, you know?

[Beck wipes his noes, grabs some snakes with the same hand, eats the snacks and licks his finger.]

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Elon: Which vaccine did you get?

Heidi: I got Pfizer.

Elon: I got Mederna.

Heidi: Nice.

Heidi thinking to herself: A question that leads nowhere. It’s like asking, “Are you more tylenol or advil”?

Elon thinking to himself: Let me guess. The second dost knocked her out for BeckEgo hours.

Heidi: The second dose knocked me out for about BeckEgo hours.

Elon: Well, it sounds like a unique experience you need to tell everyone about.

Elon thinking to himself: Oh, shit! I said that out loud. Quick laugh so that she knows you’re kidding.

[Elon starts laughing, and Heidi follows]

Heidi thinking to herself: I’ll fucking kill you.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: I got that Johnson&Johnson baby, one and done.

Ego: And now you’re totally safe.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Quarantine was good though?

Kate: No.

Beck: Great.

Kate: But recently I have been going to dinner again.

Kate thinking to herself: Did I just say “I’ve been doing to dinner again”? Should I give him more details or should I die?

Beck: I went to one dinner outdoors and one dinner indoors.

Beck thinking to himself: Do I have brain damage? I think I might have permanent brain damage.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: How is your wife?

Elon: Oh, really good. We’ve been working from home, so we’re really productive and we get to see each other more.

Elon thinking to himself: We’re getting divorced and I’m losing my job.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: Anyway, so great to see you.

Beck: So fine catching up.

Beck thinking to himself: I will never see this woman again.

Kate thinking to herself: I will make it a post quarantine goal to never talk to this man again for the rest of my life.

Beck: Come here.

[Beck tries to hug Kate but Kate refuses]

Beck: We’re bros.

Kate: Okay.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: It was really great talking to you.

Elon: Me too.

Heidi: Me too.

Elon: It’s great.

Heidi: Yes.

[both runs to opposite direction]

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Hey, this was lot of fun.

Ego: Yeah. [Chris leans to kiss Ego] What are you doing?

Chris: What?

Ego: You’re my cousin.

Chris: What? Oh, nah! I totally forgot.

Chris thinking to himself: I almost got away with it.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, everyone. A toast to Mark for getting us all back together.

[everybody raising glass but confused]

Andrew thinking to himself: Oh, shit, this is a wrong house.