Tag: Presidency

Weekend Update Biden Presidency Enters Year 2

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden mark the end of his first year in office with the two hour press conference, because that’s how long it took to list everything that’s gone wrong. It was actually the longest presidential press conference in history. But as I’ve been told many times before, just because you went for a long time, doesn’t mean you did a good job.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrsten Sinema at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Senate Republicans lined up to shake Kyrsten Sinema’s hand after she voted against changing the filibuster to pass voting rights. Ah, the US Senate, keeping black folks down with a quiet handshakes since 1787. Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that he supports replacing fellow Democrats Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. Damn Bernie, stabbing your own co-workers in the back as unforgiveable. I would never suggest Colin should be fired no matter how much better I think Bowen would be.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Several Trump White House staff members told the January 6th committee that if Trump made an unscripted statement in the middle of the attack, he would have made the situation worse. And I think that’s a pretty sound argument. No one has ever been like, “You know, who would be perfect to de-escalate the situation? Donald Trump.” Like, if he was trying to talk someone off a ledge, he’d be like, “Don’t jump. Even though your wife left you like a dog. This would be the perfect way to get back at her.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Glenn Youngkin at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On his first day in office, Virginia Governor Glenn Youngkin signed an executive order banning the teaching of critical race theory, which really isn’t that surprising coming from a guy who dresses like Leo in “Django unchained”.

[Picture changes to a person getting COVID vaccine shot]

A new study shows that the COVID vaccine does not cause infertility in men or women. Dammit, why did I get this?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Prince Andrew at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: This week, Britain’s most eligible bachelor Prince Andrew officially deleted his Twitter account after he realized that’s not the app with all the dancing teenagers. [Picture changes to TikTok logo]

Weekend Update- A Look Back at Trump’s Presidency

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well guys, barring a reverse Christmas miracle, this is the last Weekend Update with Donald Trump still in office. Now, as a president, he was mostly bad. But there were a few bright spots. So, before he is tranquilized and moved like a dinosaur in Jurassic Park, I just want to take a moment to recognize some of his greatest moments in office.

[Cut to a slide show of nice pictures of Donald Trump during his presidency.]

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. So America, don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it’s happened. And then, probably cry a little bit. I don’t know. I’m still working it out with my therapist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Pence getting vaccine at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Mike Pence received the coronavirus vaccine Friday which is the first time he has ever been okay with using protection. Mike Pence said when he got the vaccine shot, “I didn’t feel a thing”, which is also what he told himself over and over again after saw Harry Styles in a dress.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching a school bus stall on some rail road tracks, received the coronavirus vaccine on Friday. Just to throw it in our faces, he’s also giving himself a stimulus check and a small business loan.

[Picture changes to vaccine]

White House has left it up to the states to distribute the vaccine which shocks me because knowing Trump, I thought for sure it would be done through a live Power Ball lottery. The ratings would have been insane and it would have been the first White House job Ivanka was qualified for. [Picture changes to girl holding the lottery number balls.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of people protesting at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During a pro Trump rally in Washington DC, protestors burned “Black Lives Matter” signs at two historic black churches. I don’t want to be too judgmental here but at some point when you’re setting fires at black churches, you gotta stop and ask yourself, “Hey, am I the bad guy here?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jill Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wall Street Journal published an op-ed suggesting that Dr. Jill Biden stop using the term doctor because she has a PhD and is not a medical doctor. Though, she has at times functioned as a nurse. [picture changes to Jill Biden holding and supporting Joe Biden.]