Tag: President Obama

How a Bill Does Not Become a Law

Kyle Mooney

Bill… Kenan Thompson

President Obama… Jay Pharoah

Executive Order… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with School House Rock intro]

Male voice: We now return to a brand new episode of School House Rock.

[Cut to a cartoon picture of Capitol building]

[Kyle walks in]

Kyle: Come on! You really have to climb a lot of steps to get to this capitol building in Washington DC. Say, what’s that piece of paper doing here?

[The bill walks in]

Bill: Oh, you mean me? I’ll tell you who I am.

[singing]

I’m just a bill
yes, I’m only a bill
and I’m singing here in Capitol hill
but I know I’ll be a law some day
at least I hope and pray that I will
but today I still just a bill

Kyle: Cool! What kind of bill are you?

Bill: Well, I’m an immigration bill. And one day, the republicans might create me. So, I could become a law.

Kyle: And how does a bill become a law?

Bill: Funny you should ask.

[singing]

Well, first I go to the house
and they vote on me
but then I need from the senate
of majority
and guess I pass the legislative test

[Bill walks to President Obama]

then I wind up on the President’s desk
and I–

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs]

[Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

Bill: Oh! Oh, my sweet!

[Cut to Kyle and Barack Obama watching Bill fall]

Oh! My legs! They were made of paper!

Kyle: President Obama, what’s the big idea? That bill was trying to become a law.

Barack Obama: I realize that. But you know son, there’s actually an even easier way to get things run around here. It’s called an executive order.

[Executive order walks in]

Executive order: [singing] I’m an executive order
and I just pretty much just happen

[Executive order is smoking]

And that’s it.

Kyle: Wait a second. Don’t you have to go through congress at some point?

Executive order: Oh! That’s adorable. You still think that’s how government works. [laughing]

[Bill walks back]

Bill: Ah! Don’t listen to him son.

[singing] Look at the midterm election
people clearly don’t want

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs again]

[Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

Oh! Why did I come back?

[Cut to Kyle, Barack Obama and Executive order watching Bill fall]

Ah! I think I landed on my keys.

Kyle: Mr. President, is this constitutional?

Barack Obama: Of course. Presidents issue executive orders all the time.

Executive order: That’s right. I could do lots of things.

[singing] I’ll create a national park,
or a new holiday

Barack Obama: [singing] Or grant legal status to find
million undocument immigrants.

Executive order: Wait, what?

Barack Obama: Yes, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Executive order: Oh, my god! But I didn’t have time to read myself. [Executive order reads himself] Wow! Okay. Go big or go home, huh?

[Bill comes back again]

Bill: This isn’t over.

[singing] We’re gonna take you to court
we’re gonna shut down–

[Barack Obama pushes Bill down the stairs again]

[Cut to Bill falling down the steps of the capitol building.]

So many steps! So many steps.

Barack Obama: Well son, what do you think about the government now?

Kyle: I think I wanna go into the private sector.

Barack Obama: Me too, son. Me too. Oh! One more thing…

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Obama 60 Minutes Cold Open

Steve Craft… Beck Bennett

President Obama… Jay Pharoah

Security…Taran Killam

[Starts with 60 minutes video bumper with a clock]

[Cut to Steve Craft in his set]

[cheers and applause]

Steve Craft: Good evening. I’m Steve Craft. Later in the program, Lara Logan talks to Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba.com who just set a new record for the largest IPO. As well as the record of smallest face on the biggest head. But first, I sat down with President Obama for part 3 of our interview.

[Cut to video bumper]

[Cut to Steve Craft and President Obama in an interview]

Steve Craft: Mr. President. Thank you for joining me.

President Obama: Well, it’s great to be here, Steve,

Steve Craft: Is it?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Not particularly. No.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Tell me Mr. President, do you think you underestimated the threats of ISIS?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Without question, yes. And obviously, my entire administration shares a blame for that. But first, could I throw a particular person under the bus?

Steve Craft: Sure. Go ahead.

President Obama: James Clapper.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Got it. Now, what in particular surprise you about ISIS?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Well, Steve, we underestimated their military, but most importantly we underestimated how effective ISIS would be at social media. They really blew us out of the water.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Will all due respect Mr. President, you had a historically effective social media campaign in President Obama008. How could you be worse in social media than a band of terrorist in a dessert in Syria.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: [laughs] Steve, you don’t understand. These terrorists have nothing to do. They can be tweeting all day. And I’m talking peak hours between 11 am and 3 pm. When they can maximize favs as well as RTs, those are retweets. And man, these guys are shuttle. I mean, check out this tweet. [A tweet appears at the bottom of the screen] “Hearing cool stuff about Sharia law. I’ma check it out.” And then there’s a little emoji of a ghost with an eye patch. Or how about this one? [The tweet at the bottom of the screen changes] “Loving this new show ‘Selfie’ on ABC. P.S. can you believe Israel is still a state?” They’ve also started co-opting popular hashtags and trick folks into reading their messages of hate. For example, [Another tweet appears at the bottom of the screen.] “One day the Black Flag of ISIS will fly over the White House. #TheVoiceIsBack” Or this one. [The tweet at the bottom of the screen changes.] “We will destroy the infidels. #ThankYouJeter”

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: That is very underhanded. But at least the US air strikes in Syria have destroyed mot of ISIS’s oil refineries which were earning them millions a day in revenue.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s true. But they’ve made up for Kickstarter.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Kickstarter?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s right. Apparently, every time we thought we were giving money to Zach Braff, it was really going to terrorists.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Wow. Well, at least they’re not on tinder.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: You think that, wouldn’t you?

Steve Craft: No.

President Obama: Well, just look at this profile that CIA recently intercepted.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Why was the CIA on tinder?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: That’s not important. But you see this profile? [Cut to a male tinder profile.] Seems like a nice normal hunk, right? But look at his interests. It says very clearly. That is, “D.T.J”. Down to Jahad. [Cut to President Obama] I mean, luckily we were able to track him down via LinkedIn. Which is, it turns out, a whole separate terrorist organization.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: That actually makes a lot of sense. Now, Mr. President, much has been made of the correlation you have assembled. But it sounds like America is burying the brunt of this campaign.

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Hey, Steve. That’s just how we roll. We roll slow and deliberately. Almost like we have no idea what we’re rolling to. Then someone pushes us and suddenly we’re rolling straight down hill into oncoming traffic.

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Finally, Mr. President, you made the point that ISIS and the Islamic faith are in no way connected. You still believe that?

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Actually, I’m beginning to think there is some connection. For example, did you know that the first I in ISIS stands for Islamic? I mean, who knew?

[Cut to Steve Craft]

Steve Craft: Mr. President, some of what you’ve said tonight is a little worrysome. That combined with the recent security breaches of the White House–

[Cut to President Obama]

President Obama: Steve, Steve, Steve. We had problems with our secret service. But I promise you, we’ve taken care of it.

[A security walks to President Obama]

Security: Excuse me, Mr. President. There is a man with a sharp screwdriver to see you. We think that this might be time sensitive as he was running across the front lawn. You know what? I’ll just have him wait in the Oval Office.

[Security walks away]

President Obama: Well, Steve, I should probably go take care of that, right? But it was nice talking to you. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!