The Princess and the Curse

Aidy Bryant

Maleficent… Kate McKinnon

Princess… Felicity Jones

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy holding a baby in a dark stormy night.]

Aidy: Oh! Hush, little one. Don’t cry. You’re a princess and no one can ever hurt you.

[Maleficent walks in]

No!

Maleficent: Pleased to make your acquaintance, your majesty. I brought you a gift.

Aidy: Not the curse!

Maleficent: [thundering] Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Aidy: No!

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper] [Cut to 18 years later] [Princess is looking into a water fountain. Prince walks in.]

Prince: Princess Viola.

Princess: My prince. I’ve missed you so but you must leave. It’s almost dark.

Prince: But why do you always make me go.

Princess: Don’t ask me all these questions, my prince.

Prince: Well then let me ask you this one. [Prince gets on his knee] Princess viola, will you be my bride?

Princess: Oh, Prince Benedict, nothing would bring more joy. But I have a terrible secret. If you knew, you’d never want to see me again.

Prince: Nonsense.

Princess: You see, my love, shortly after my birth, I was cursed by an evil sorceress.

Prince: No curse could keep me from loving you.

Princess: As soon as the night falls, I become something else. I– I transform.

Prince: [laughing] What do you become? A beast? An Ogre? Whatever it is, I will always love you.

Princess: You swear?

Prince: I swear upon a thousand lifetimes that I will love you till the day I die.

Princess: Well, okay. I become– me, but 15 pounds heavier. I’m so relieved to hear you don’t care.

Prince: Uh-huh.

Princess: That I’ll be your’s and you’ll be mine forever.

Prince: Umm.

Princess: Is that a problem?

Prince: Well, of course not, my dear. There are much more horrid creatures you could become. Just… 15 pounds where?

Princess: What?

Prince: Like, is it just in your butt or is there some in your boobs?

Princess: No, it’s kind of all over.

Prince: Got it.

Princess: Some people say I look better with the 15 pounds.

Prince: Oh, like, your friends? Or girls? Oh, dang! I just realized I have a thing until the end of time.

Princess: I knew it. I’ve lost you.

[thundering] [Maleficent appears in the woods]

Maleficent: There is one way to break the spell, but in order to do so, you must make a sacrifice, dear prince.

Prince: I will do anything if it frees the princess form the terrible curse.

Maleficent: At night, you will lose one quarter of an inch from your penis.

Prince: No!

Princess: Yeah, no. We can’t afford to lose that.

Maleficent: Alright. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to “The Princess and the Curse” video bumper]

Medieval Times

Mikey Day

King…Beck Bennett

Princess… Heidi Gardner

Kenan Thompson

Blue Knight… Alex Moffat

Green Knight… Chris Redd

Red and Yellow Knight… Adam Driver

Kyle Mooney

Green Knight’s squire… Melissa Villaseñor

Red and Yellow Knight’s squire… Bowen Yang

[Starts with horns blowing in Medieval Times building] [Cut to Mikey, King and Princess. They’re wearing clothes of medieval age.]

Mikey: Lords and ladies welcome to Medieval Times in the mighty kingdom of New Jersey. Are you enjoying the garlic bread and entire small chicken?

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Yeah! Whoo! This is good bird. Smells a little like horse crap in here though.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Fairly. What say you might, king and fair princess?

[Cut to King and Princess]

King: Bring forth the knights.

Princess: And let the tournament commence.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: As you wish. From the hills of Don With, it’s the brave Blue Knight!

[Cut to Blue Knight. He is wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Blue Knight: I fight for king and country.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the planes of Campweld, it’s the just, Green Knight!

[Cut to Green Knight. He is also wearing an armor and has a sword.]

Green Knight: My king, I pledge your fidelity.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: And from the field of Firth, a knight who decided to wear his own costume from home for some reason. The noble Red and Yellow knight!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight. He is not wearing any armor.]

Red and Yellow Knight: My lands were taken. My village burnt on the orders of this false king. All because we would not pay his unjust tax.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Hey, Cameron. I know you’re taking that acting class, but please don’t do this.

Red and Yellow Knight: His soldiers murdered my son and ravaged my wife.

Mikey: Except, they didn’t! Now, don’t you have a greeting for the fair princess?

Red and Yellow Knight: Hi! [spits]

Mikey: No, please don’t say hi. Lords and ladies, the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh, that’s our guy. Cheers son! Whoo!

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: My family lay murdered and you cheer?

[Cut to Kenan and his son serious.]

Kenan: I’m sorry. [raising his glass] Wench, can I get another– what’s this called? Pleasant punch? With this junk, I’ve been leaning.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: God, speak to our knights

[Red and Yellow Knight walks in]

Red and Yellow Knight: My son’s name was Brandon.

Mikey: No, it wasn’t. You have no son. Go away.

[Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away]

Now, as our knights prepare for the tournament, please welcome the Castle Falcon.

[Kyle walks in with a falcon]

Kyle: The falcon is famed for it’s intelligence. Now, prepare to be awed as it flies in a circle.

[Cut to the audience]

Kenan: Oh! Look at him go. Look son.

Kyle: The falcon can fly pedro. Hop! That speeds up pedro, hop! Hop! [Red and Yellow Knight walks in slowly with a bow and arrow.] Moving 50 miles per–

[Mikey runs in to stop Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: No, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: That bird is a spy for the king.

Mikey: Cameron, your acting class is a community college class. [Mikey pushes Red and Yellow Knight away] Now, come off.

King: Chill! I retire of this bird. Let the knights cross weapons.

Princess: I wish to see the Green Knight battle the Red and Yellow knight.

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Mikey: And so you shall. Now, I ask the squires with which weapon will they do battle?

[Cut to Green Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Green Knight chooses a mace.

[His squire passes a mace to Green Knight] [Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and his squire]

Squire: The Red and Yellow Knight has this which he brought from home. [His weapon is a mixture of every other weapons into one weapon.]

Red and Yellow Knight: The mongolian speaks the truth.
Squire: [Yelling] No!

[Mikey comes in]

Mikey: Apologies to Squire. That was unacceptable. Now, let the fight begin.

[Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! Here we go. If your mama asks, I had only one of these, alright? Let’s go Red and Yellow.

[Cut to Red and Yellow Knight and Green Knight]

Green Knight: You’re not gonna hit me with that thing, right?

Red and Yellow Knight: Fear not. [Red and Yellow Knight puts the weapon down] I have no quarrel with the blackamore.

Green Knight: Blackamore? Na-ah! That’s strike two, bitch! I’m tired.

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Strike two indeed. And now I’m hearing in my earpiece that our noble branch manager Steve P. would like to see you in his office immediately.

Red and Yellow Knight: Steve P. can wait for first I must slay this bloated bastard king!

Mikey: Okay, Steve P. is screaming. Please go.

Red and Yellow Knight: He charges you $110 for chicken and potato and does not give you the dignity of a fork?

[Cut to Kenan and his son. Kenan is eating his chicken with his hand.]

Kenan: Yeah, I do want a fork. No grown man should have to eat bake potato with his hands?

[Cut to Mikey and Red and Yellow Knight]

Red and Yellow Knight: And when your children asks who killed this putrid king–

Mikey: No, no, no, no, no.

Red and Yellow Knight: Tell them it was I, Cameron Bissle. Sad and eligible. Justice!

[Cut to everybody. Red and Yellow Knight runs to attack the king]

Mikey: No, no.

[The king is running] [Cut to Kenan and his son]

Kenan: Oh! This is a hell of a birthday son. Here, have a little sip of that.

[Kenan gives his son to have his drink] [The End]