Tag: Principal

High School Graduation

Principal… Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Key

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]

Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.

[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]

Madison Abbott. [light claps]

Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]

Another reminder, please hold your applause.

Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.

Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.

Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.

Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.

Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.

[parents yelling]

Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.

Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?

Principal: Like I said–

Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.

Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.

Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.

Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.

Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.

Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.

Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.

Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.

Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.

Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.

Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.

Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.

Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.

Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.

Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.

[The student is embarrassed and signals them to shut up.]

Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?

Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.

Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.

Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?

Punkie: I did not see that coming.

Chris: Upset of the year.

Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.

Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?

Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.

Principal: Tiffany Atwood.

Beck: Tiffany!

Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!

Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.

Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.

Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.

Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.

Principal: I highly doubt that.

Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.

Principal: That’s a restaurant.

Aidy: Well, did you get in?

Principal: I have been there. Yes.

Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.

Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?

Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.

Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.

Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.

Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.

All: Come on! Man!

Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.

Lauren: Wow!

Mikey: Whoo!

Heidi: Good job, Madison.

Lauren: Nice one, girl.

Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?

Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.

Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.

Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.

Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.

Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.

Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you

Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.

Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.

Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?

IBS Medicine Ad

Mom… Carey Mulligan

Dad… Mikey Day

Lauren Holt

Janitor… Kenan Thompson

Principal… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Mom and Dad at their son’s school concert. Their son is going to play guitar.]

Female voice: Life’s special moments are meant to be enjoyed. Not spend worrying about your irritable bowel syndrome.

[Mom feels pressure in her stomach]

Mom: [to Dad] I’ll be right back]

Dad: But Ryan’s solo is coming up.

[Mom runs to the toilet]

Female voice: It can strike at any time. Robbing you of life’s special moments. [Ryan looking at his sad being sad] But now, there’s help. [when Mom’s walking back to her seat, Lauren stops her and gives her a pack of pill] With Tremfalta. Tremfalta is a once daily pill that helps control your IBS syndrome. Instead of it controlling you. [Mom takes her seat and now her son is happily playing the guitar]. So you can enjoy more of life’s special moment.

Janitor: [yelling] Oh my god!

All: Shh!

Janitor: Who did this? It is everywhere. On the wall? Ugh!

Female voice: Tremfalta works by slowing your body’s digestive process decreasing the intensity and volatility of bowel movements so you can get back to what really matters.

[Janitor calls principal and shows the bathroom]

Principal: Oh!

Janitor: What did I tell you?

Female voice: Because some of life’s moments are too important to miss.

Principal: Stop the concert. Kids, I’m sorry. Someone has done something very, very bad in the bathroom. Something very disrespectful. [Lauren is shaking her head] Who did this filth?

Dad: [whispering to Mom] Didn’t you go–

Mom: [whispering] Shut the fuck up.

Female voice: Consult your doctor before use. Side effects may include–

Janitor: [yelling] Something is wrong with you, you sick son of a bitch.

Female voice: Side effects may–

Janitor: [yelling] You just lit up the toilet. You just lit the whole damn thing up.

Female voice: Side effects–

Janitor: I have kids! Damn!

Female voice: Never miss a special moment again.

[Mom hugs Lauren and whispers in her ears]

Mom: [whispering] If you say anything, I will destroy your life.

Lauren: What?

Mom: [looking at her family] Wait for mom.

Female voice: With Tremfalta.

Dad: I think we got a star on our hands.

A Teacher

Kyler… Andrew Dismukes

Ms. Williams… Ego Nwodim

Principal… Kristen Wiig

[Starts with a video clips from a school show]

Male voice: The most stirring show of 2020 about an elicit affair between teacher and student. And now, a sneak preview of season two of “A Teacher.”

[The class is over. Kyler walks to the teacher.]

Kyler: Hey, I know that the class is over but I wanted to talk to you alone. I’m struggling and need extra help to go to college and I can’t stop thinking about you, Ms. Williams. Or should I call you Nicole?

Ms. Williams: What are you talking about?

Kyler: I wanted to just spend some extra time together.

Ms. Williams: You think you cute?

Kyler: Well, I’m more mature than the other kids.

Ms. Williams: Excuse me, young man. Did you think we were going to [bleep]?

Kyler: I mean, I don’t know.

Ms. Williams: You’re pulling a C- in my class. That’s not hot for me. You can barely read.

Kyler: I thought maybe we could– [Ms. Williams raises her eyebrows] Never mind.

Ms. Williams: No, no. I want you to go ahead and walk me through it. You invite me to your… what? We hook up in the back seat of your bike?

Kyler: Or we could go to your car.

Ms. Williams: No. We’re not doing it in my car. My car is new.

Kyler: That’s cool.

Ms. Williams: You think I have enough money to throw this job away for your limp ass little leaner that can do nothing for me? What did you think this was?

Kyler: You were giving me help with the SATs. I thought it was special.

Ms. Williams: Oh, you thought I wanted to have sex with someone who can’t do the SATs? You keep circling the bubble instead of filling it in. You think that’s sexy?

Kyler: A little.

Ms. Williams: You know what? Let me enjoy my lunch break.

Kyler: Ms. Williams. I can’t stop thinking about you.

Ms. Williams: Why? I stop thinking about ya’ll the minute you talk out of this classroom.

Kyler: See? You’re so confident.

Ms. Williams: Yeah, I’ve got that swagger that you have when you’re not a pedophile. Don’t see a lot of confident pedophiles, do you? That swagger when you have a healthcare and a parking spot. God, I hate kids.

Kyler: You don’t understand. I love your class.

Ms. Williams: Name one president.

Kyler: Huckleberry?

Ms. Williams: Oh my god!

Kyler: Kermit?

[Principal walking in the hallway finds them in class.]

Principal: Ms. Williams, what’s going on in here? Are you having an inappropriate relationship with this student?

Ms. Williams: No, principal Miller. God, no.

Principal: Because he’s my boyfriend and we’re in love.

Ms. Williams: Oh my god! Are women still doing this?

Principal: They are. I am.

Ms. Williams: So, how are you the principal?

Principal: Well, that’s a good question. You see, I used to be a prison guard who let prisoners out because I loved them and now I work here.

Ms. Williams: Okay, this is ridiculous. Will someone say “kidding” so I don’t have to do no paperwork?

[Principal’s phone beeps. She looks at the phone and finds out that it’s Kyler’s birthday.]

Principal: Kyler, it’s your 18th birthday today. We can finally be together.

Kyler: Na, this just isn’t hot for me anymore.

Principal: Right. Me neither. Ha-ha.

[bell ringing]

Ms. Williams: There goes my lunch break.

Male voice: “A Teacher”, haven’t we learned?

Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Farewell Mr. Bunting

Principal… Bobby Moynihan

Thomas Dultan… Pete Davidson

Rooney… Kyle Mooney

Mr. Bunting… Fred Armisen

Kelaw… Beck Bennett

Jay Pharoah

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts with Principal entering a classroom angrily]

Principal: Sit down! As you all know, Mr. Bunting will no longer be teaching here at Windermere. His unorthodox methods have done enough damage. As your principal, I’ll be taking over this class until the end of the year. Mr. Dultan, please tell me where you left off in the text book.

[Dultan doesn’t know]

Mr. Rooney, since Mr. Dultan cannot be bothered, where did you leave off?

Rooney: Well sir, we kind of skipped around a bit.

Principal: Fine! Then we will start from the beginning. Mr– [door knocking]

[Mr. Bunting enters]

Mr. Bunting: Excuse me. [Students look at Mr. Bunting] I came to collect my personals. Should I come back after class?

[The students seem upset]

Principal: Get them now, Mr. Bunting. Mr. Kelaw, continue. Please read from page one.

Kelaw: We have ripped out all the pages, sir.

[Kelaw shows the book. There aren’t any pages there.]

Jay: And turned them into hats.

[Jay shows the hat and puts it on his head]

Principal: Although, you can borrow mine. Now, read.

Kelaw: [reading] Poetry should not be fun. It should be oppressive and the reader should hate it. Poems are from hundred years ago. They were written by a bunch of dead men to punish children. [Mr. Bunting is walking with his belongings] The arts in general are for women and homosexuals. When you read a poem, you should never feel… emotion. In summary, poem stink.

[Thomas cannot help himself. He stands up.]

Thomas: Mr. Bunting, we didn’t want you to get fired. They made us sign that paper.

Principal: Sit down, Mr. Dultan.

Mr. Bunting: It’s okay, Thomas. It’s okay.

[Thomas sits down]

Principal: Leave, Mr. Bunting. Right now.

[As Mr. Bunting is walking out, Rooney stands on his desk.]

Rooney: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: Sit down this instant.

[Jay also stands on his desk]

Jay: I sing my song for all to hear.

Principal: I will have you both expelled if you do not sit down immediately.

[Jon stands on his desk]

Mr. Bunting, please!

Jon: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Kelaw stands on his desk]

Kelaw: I sing my song for all to hear.

[Mr. Bunting is looking at his students proudly.]

[Thomas also stands on his desk]

Thomas: I sing my song–

[Thomas’s head is chopped off by the ceiling fan.]

[All the students are terrified. There’s blood all over the classroom and everyone.]

[Everyone looks at Mr. Bunting]

Mr. Bunting: Alright, I’m gonna take off. You guys have my email and everything, right?

[No one answers. Mr. Bunting just leaves.]

[The End]

Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

Sabrina Kirpatsky… Aidy Bryant

Principal… David Harbour

Bowen Yang

Mrs. Pallarro… Ego Nwodim

Corrine… Kate McKinnon

Dina M…Melissa Villaseñor

Brittany… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with an intro of the show]

Announcer: Live from school, it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant on stage]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: In math she got A plus

peer mediator on the bus

it’s Little Miss Teacher’s Friend

[Cheers and applause]

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Hello and welcome to the 29th annual Little Miss Teacher’s Friend pageant. I’m your host, the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No, enough! We all have teachers, but what do teachers have? Students. And what sometimes are students? Sweet. And the sweetest student of all is the teacher’s friend. Here with us is last year’s winner. Someone I had never see in my office, Sabrina Kirpatsky.

[Sabrina Kirpatsky joins the principal]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well said, principal. And good evening and thanks for all for being here.

The Principal: Sabrina, what makes you a good teacher’s friend?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Well, thank you for the excellent question. I see adults as peers and children as disgusting. I’m a natural helper and a shoosh-er of boys. And most of all, I’m genuinely teacher’s actual very good friend.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: All right. And here to judge the contest is the teacher herself, Mrs. Pallarro.

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: She’s perfect, she’s special

once she put me in charge of the classroom

and I felt like I touched the stars

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]
Mrs. Pallarro: Hi, Sabrina. This whole thing is very sweet, but I want to be clear that I don’t see you as my friends. You’re my students.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Mrs. Pallarro, you are very funny.

The Principal: All right, let’s meet our hopefuls. First up, she’s 12 years younger than her siblings, it’s Corrine.

[Cut to Corrine entering the stage]

Corrine loves horses, but is scared of them. She’s taken four CPR classes just in case. And just recently she had a meeting with the nurse about washing her hair.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Corrine, your question. Please tell us about your most epic tattle.

Corrine: Oh, gladly. One time on the bus, AJ drew Marge Simpson with her boobs out. And I wanted to tell teacher so bad that I opened the emergency exit and I rolled onto the street and I broke my ribs.

The Principal: Wow. So committed to tattling. Thank you, Corrine.

Corrine: Wait, can I say my wish?

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, of course.

[Cut to Corrine]

Corrine: I wish my peers would behave themselves so Mrs. Pollarro wouldn’t have a headache all the time.

[Cut to Corrine, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Okay. Wow. That’s a beautifully put. Thank you, Corrine.

[Corrine leaves the stage]

The Principal: Next up it’s Dina M.

[Cut to Dina M entering the stage]

Dina gets hurt outdoors very easily. And get this, she knows a lot of saints.

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Now, Dina, March 7th is right around the corner, which we all know is Mrs. Pallarro’s birthday. What will you buy her and why?

[Cut to Dina]

Dina M: Well, I know she likes dogs and the packers. So maybe a diamond necklace?

[Cut to Dina, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky:  Correct. That’s correct.

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Okay. This is a great time for me to remind everyone, please don’t buy me expensive gifts. It puts me in a weird spot.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Oh, teacher so modest.

The Principal: This year’s dark horse, it’s Brittany.

[Cut to Brittany entering the stage]

Brittany gets to do word searched instead of gym, because her scoliosis, her asthma and her religion. Her greatest wish is for her family to let her be a pallbearer.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Brittany, your question. What do you imagine teacher doing in her house when she gets home after school?

[Cut to Brittany]

Brittany: I imaging she reads my book report out loud to her husband who I saw once. He was bald. Which is funny.

[Cut to Brittany, the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: That is funny. Thank you, Brittany. [Brittany leaves the stage] Remember, the winner of Little Miss Teacher’s Friend will take home a gorgeous framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro’s wedding in Cabo.

[Cut to a framed photo of Mrs. Pallarro and her husband on a beach]

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Oh, oh, Sabrina. Did you print that off my Instagram?

[Cut to Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Yes.

[Cut to the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

The Principal: Now, we’d like to take a moment to celebrate the casualties of tattling, the bad boys.

[Boys walk pass behind the principal and Sabrina Kirpatsky]

Sabrina Kirpatsky: AJ, TJ, BJ, JJ, and Mikey Martori, who I do not have a crush on. Back to you, Rupert.

The Principal: Please, call me the principal.

Sabrina Kirpatsky: Very well.

The Principal: And now, the winner. Who will it be?

[Cut to Mrs. Pallarro]

Mrs. Pallarro: Actually there won’t be a winner, because I’m pregnant. I’ll be on maternity leave after Christmas. You’ll have a sub the rest of the year.

[Cut to Sabrina, Corrine, Dina, Brittany crying]

Everybody: No!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: Okay. Well, they’re crying. So, that’s all the time we have. I am the principal.

[Cut to the audience]

Bowen Yang: Woo!

[Cut to the principal]

The Principal: No! Reminding you please don’t meet your teacher in the staff parking lot. They don’t need help carrying anything. Good night.

[Ends with Little Miss Teacher’s Friend outrp]