Weekend Update COVID-19 Protests & Sexy Hand Sanitizer

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture of a news article titled ‘Orthodox Jewish neighborhoods protest restrictions’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Orthodox Jewish in New York city lashed out at a newly impulsed coronavirus restriction in their neighborhood by setting fires and burning mask. And it’s a miracle because the mask burned for eight nights.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article about Goldman Sachs at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Come on, dude!

Michael Che: That’s a good one. Come on. Stop it. Stop it.

Colin Jost: Goldman Sachs is reporting that if Joe Biden wins the election and democrats regain the control of congress, the economy will recover faster. I don’t have a joke for that. I just wanted to point out that Trump’s only thing he says he’s good at is the economy, and the economy itself was like, “I’m voting for Biden.”

[Picture changes to a woman holding a sanitizer.]

This is worse. A new Halloween costume being sold this year is for sexy hand sanitizer which I think is just lube.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s new breakfast items at right top corner.]

Michael Che: McDonald’s announced that for the first time in a decade, it’s adding new items to it’s breakfast bakery menu, including an apple fritter, a blueberry muffin and cinnamon rolls, all for the low-low price of one of your feet.

[Picture changes to Whitey Ford]

Yankee’s legend Whitey Ford died this week at the age of 91. Ford reminds us of a simpler time when you could just name your kid ‘Whitey’.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Sizzler logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It is dark. Sizzler restaurants have announced that as a result of the impact from covid, they are filing bankruptcy. Which is probably a good idea since the Sizzler buffet is the closest thing America has to a Wuhan wet market.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a shark at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Researchers in Nova Scotia have found a 50 year old great white shark that they’re calling queen of the ocean, because he gay as hell.

[Picture changes to a horse]

Pennsylvania police arrested a man who tried to rent a horse online so that he and his wife could have sex with the animal. But the man had no idea that the whole time, he was actually chatting with a police horse.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!