Pete Davidson[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]
Speaker Colin Jost: On Wednesday, residents of Staten Island held a large rally outside Max Pub to protest restrictions on indoor dining. With more on this, Staten Island native, Pete Davidson.[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]
Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Thank you. It’s gonna be hard to follow that Giuliani fart. Thank you. Yeah, I saw the protest. People were outside the bar shouting about freedom, taunting the cops, chanting that they should arrest the governor, but it’s Staten Island. So, I assume that it was just like a typical last call.
Speaker Colin Jost: Are you against these protests?
Speaker Pete Davidson: I mean, kind of, but I’m also just happy I’m no longer the first thing people think of when they say, “What’s the worst thing about Staten Island.”
Speaker Colin Jost: Come on. That’s not true. People like you.
Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. But not in the right way. I don’t get to host the Emmy’s like you and Che. But I did just find out there’s an Etsy store selling Pete Davidson Vibrators. Yeah, how weird is that? You can buy a vibrator with my face on it for $15 or one without my face for $20. I don’t even get a cut of the sales. Now I know how Chappelle feels.
Speaker Colin Jost: Back to the pub. What exactly were they protesting?
Speaker Pete Davidson: Well, the bar shockingly is in a neighborhood with the second highest covid infections in all of New York. The rule is that they’re supposed to let people eat or drink outside. The owner said no one wants to do that because they’ll go out of business. But the argument that people in Staten Island don’t want to drink outside can be disproven by going to literally any little league game. One guy at the protest even gave a speech where he literally compared not being able to drink indoors to being Jewish during the holocaust which must have been awkward for the people there who had to suddenly pretend they believed in the holocaust.
Speaker Colin Jost: So, i take it that you found these protest frustrating.
Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, man. That make it us look like babies. You know it’s bad when even people in Boston are like, “Ah! Drink it home, you queers!”
Speaker Colin Jost: Do you think the people should stay at home until the pandemic gets better?
Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. Everyone wants to go have fun. There’s plenty of stuff you could do at home. Like, use your official Pete Davidson Vibrator.
Speaker Colin Jost: I didn’t realize it was official now.
Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah. I just decided it was. It’s a quality item and it’s weirdly accurate. How did they know how white it is?
Speaker Colin Jost: Yeah. I don’t know. I guess just a lucky guess. You said that you were staying home. Do you have any plans for the holiday?
Speaker Pete Davidson: Actually, yes. I’m doing this online table read of “It’s a wonderful life for charity.” It’s with a bunch of other actors I love too. I get to play George Bailey. Then we’ll stream it online to raise money.
Speaker Colin Jost: That’s really great, Pete.
Speaker Pete Davidson: Yeah, you would think. Yeah. You should tell that to the thousands of people on Twitter who are extremely angry about it. Why are they so mad that I’m doing a little online table read of “It’s a wonderful life”? It’s an old timey film about a guy who is suicidal. I’m famously depressed and have the complexion of someone in a black and white movie. I get it, if it was an actual movie remake of “It’s a wonderful life”, yeah, I’d be an odd casting choice. It would be like, rebooting “The God Father” with Post Malone. Yeah, he’ll make you an offer you can’t understand.
Speaker Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everyone!
Speaker Pete Davidson: Buy one. Get over it.