Drake PSA

Courtney… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with women standing and talking.]

Courtney: Are you a woman? Have you ever dated the rapper Drake?

Punkie: Have you ever met Drake at a party? Talked on Instagram?

Courtney: Or even made flirty eye contact with him at a restaurant?

Keke: Has Drake then referenced you, your relationship or the potential there up in a song?

Courtney: If the answer is yes, you are not alone.

Keke: There are thousands of us, and you may be entitled to benefits.

Chloe: For too long we have witnessed Aubrey Drake gram right hit after hit about women who have wronged him.

Sarah: And some women who have done nothing at all.

Chloe: Only to earn millions of dollars.

Punkie: Well today, her loss is our gain.

Heidi: Because we, the thousands of Drake’s exes and shawties have voted to join forces.

Keke: And officially unionize as the United Tingz of Aubrey.

Punkie: It is time that we stand up and fight for our rights as Tings in the united front.

Courtney: My name is Courtney. I left Drake a voicemail once about an overdue car payment. And now I’m an interlude on an album. How does that work?

Heidi: I serve Drake some leather straps at PF Changs and 2009. I laughed at it as joke about our huge menus, and apparently I’m his ex now? Make that make sense.

Punkie: Well, Drake hit on me at a Dave and Busters once. I told him that I was a lesbian and he said, “Me too.”

Keke: My name is Keke Palmer. And that “Kiki, do you love me” song ruined my damn life. That man had the whole internet asking if I was the Kiki. Well, yes, I am the Keke, just got that Kiki. It was my name first. Stop acting like we smashed, and give me my damn $6 million.

Sarah: Drake sent me a Bobby Hill GIF on Instagram once. I said who is that? Next thing I know, I’m that goofy shawty from Virginia Beach who curved him.

Chloe: We may have started from the bottom, but we still here.

Keke: To be clear. To be clear, a union membership is not dependent on dating Drake. You may qualify as one of our Aubrey Tingz if you met Drake at a basketball game, met Drake at a club, saw Drake at a club, been to a club at all.

Punkie: Have dined at the following restaurants. Ruth’s Chris steakhouse. Carbone. Nobu, Nobu, Nobu, Nobu.

Sarah: But here at United Tingz of Aubrey, we believe in a brighter future.

Punkie: One where Tingz can be left alone.

Keke: and your name stays out of Drake’s mouth.

All: 525,600 shawties. 525,600 Tingz.

Keke: In strip clubs and airports, black women who live in Memphis.

Courtney: It doesn’t matter if you’ve met him at all.

Man: United Tingz of Aubrey. #TingsAcrossAmerica.


Davis…  James Austin Johnson

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Skim… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Natasha Lyonne

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clips of different people]

Davis: My name is Davis. And I’m stupid.

Joanne: Hi, I’m Joanne. And for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a stupid person.

Skim: I’m scare. And my parents are both stupid. I’m stupid. And the grandson is stupid.

Kyle: Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

Natasha: And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

Davis: I’m just plain stupid.

Skim: I always knew I was different things. Things were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Joanne: Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained. Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

Cecily: [speaking on larynx Device] I don’t need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that’s stupid.

Natasha: Most people like me go their whole lives without ever knowing they’re stupid. But we’re everywhere. We drive your buses, we run companies.

Davis: I write laws.

Kyle: And I don’t even know what I do.

Cecily: I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window. A stained glass window.

Davis: Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

Joanne: Being stupid is not a choice.

Cecily: [on larynx device]It’s not a choice.

Skim: It’s a choice.

Natasha: Just because you are a stupid person doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. So get out there.

Cecily: Get out there.

Natasha: And vote.

Davis: And vote. Let your voice be heard.

Skim: Vote.

Cecily: Vote.

Kyle: I’m stupid. And I vote.

Natasha: I vote. And I am very stupid.

Skim: Wait. This ain’t my grandson.

Joanne: Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else’s.

Cecily: And sometimes, way more like, in my county.

Natasha: So don’t let them stop you.

Davis: Don’t let them confuse you.

Skim: Somebody will say something. And then somebody else says something else. It’s just a match.

Cecily: You can vote. You can buy a gun.

Natasha: You can buy all the guns.

Davis: I watch one channel and I get so mad.

Joanne: My son’s wife is a smart person. She’s tearing us apart. Vote.

Davis: Get out there.

Skim: Vote every day if you have to.

Cecily: It’s not like they ask if you’re stupid.

Natasha: Nobody should have to learn things if they don’t want to.

Skim: I vote for donkey. But sometimes I like elephant.

Cecily: I want a candidate that smiles at me.

Joanne: The computer screen said prove you’re not a robot. So I cut myself.

Skim: Somebody will see a joke. And I’m like, is that real?

Natasha: My screen time is 14 hours a day. But they don’t know. I have another phone.

Davis: Vote.

Skim: Vote.

Kyle: volt!

Cecily: Dance.

Joanne: Vote for a tall man.

Natasha: Vote because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Skim: Wait, this is my grandson.


New York PSA

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

The old lady… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of New York city]

Ego: Thank you, New York.

Heidi: New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: Things got pretty tough this summer.

Heidi: But through it all, we stayed strong.

Chris: We stayed together.

Ego: And we never lost who we are.

Heidi: Because we are New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: New York.

Heidi: And no matter how hard things get…

Chris: We always get through it.

[A woman starts appearing in all clips dancing at the background]

Ego: And we do it our way.

Heidi: Each and every one of us played a part.

Chris: From the nurses who who kept the safe.

Ego: To the essential workers who kept food on our table.

Heidi: To all the neighbors who pitched in.

Chris: And today, some things are different.

Ego: But most things are exactly the same.

Heidi: Beautiful.

Chris: Unbreakable.

Ego: One of a kind

Chris: So, hey, if you’re not from here, come see for yourself.

Ego: The museums, the landmarks–

Heidi: And this lady. [The lady who was dancing is now laying in the park topless.] Sort of a dancing old woman.

Chris: Not homeless. Just, you know, quirky. She has an apartment. She’s just usually outside.

Ego: Like a rent controlled situation. She lives in a 40-floor-walk up. So, when she’s out, she’s out.

Heidi: She has lived in a studio since she was 16 which was 30 or 100 years ago.

Chris: She’s not not a professor at Columbia.

Ego: And until broadway reopens, she’s performing her one woman version of ‘The Lion King’ at the park everyday.

Heidi: New York is not a ghost town.

Chris: It’s his town. It’s her town.

Ego: And it’s definitely her town. [referring to the old lady]

Heidi: So, today, we want to say thank you.

Ego: Thank you.

Chris: Because New York will always be New York.

Heidi: And we’re so proud to say…

Ego: The people just crazy enough to call this place home will always be here.

The old lady: I love New York!