David Pumpkins Returns

Ego Nwodim

Andrew Dismukes

Jack Harlow

David Pumpkins… Tom Hanks

The skeletons… Bobby Moynihan, Mikey Day

[Starts with people waiting outside a door]

Ego: Finally, I can’t believe we had to wait an hour and a half for a stupid ride.

Andrew: I can. Cellblock 666 is supposed to be the scariest ride in Fright Nights history.

Jack: Yeah. There’s all these TikToks people passing out and puking and stuff. If I pass out, don’t help me. Film it. And post it. Please.

[the door opens]

Kenan: Hello and hell-come to Cellblock 666 right this way.

[they walk in and take seats]

Ego: Oh my god. I’m already scared.

Kenan: You are about to embark on a terrifying tour of this petrifying prison, where each sale holds iconic frights from the silver scream. Let the tour begin. We are approaching our first stop. Time to meet the sin mates. Ha-ha-ha. Open Cell 600.

[The cell door opens. Jason just killed a nurse by stabbing. The door closes.]

Jack: Yo, Michael Morris just made me lowkey jump. This ride is awesome.

Kenan: Only time will hell. The next cell is upon us. Open cell 661

[The cell door opens. There’s Annabelle.]

Annabelle: My name is Annabelle. Can you play with me?

[Annabelle starts running towards the door. The door closes.]

Ego: No. I hate Annabelle. I can’t wait that little bitch.

Jack: I really might pass out for real. Have you phones ready.

Kenan: You’ll never be ready for the horror that you’ll find in cell 662.

[The cell door opens. There’s David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.] [cheers and applause]

David Pumpkins: I am David Pumpkins. And I’m going to scare you stupid.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

Any questions?

[The door closes]

Kenan: Are you shaking in your boots?

Andrew: No. I’ve seen like every horror movie ever and none of them had David pumpkins in it.

Jack: True, but I was kind of feeling David pumpkins though. Nice change of pace.

Kenan: Silence. A new terror awaits. Open cell 663.

[The cell door opens. There’s Pennywise]

Pennywise: New balloon too. Aha-ha-ha-ha.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Yeah, see? Pennywise make sense because he was in a horror movie.

Ego: Babe, it’s just a ride.

Andrew: I just want it to be consistent.

Kenan: Shh. The next segment is dying to meet you. Open cell 664.

[The cell door opens. There’s again, David Pumpkins and the two skeletons.]

David Pumpkins: Miss me?

Andrew: No, who are you?

David Pumpkins: I’m David Pumpkins, man.

Andrew: Right. David pumpkins from?

David Pumpkins: Before.

Andrew: We know.

Ego: I think he just wants to know what your deal is. Like, Annabelle is a possessed doll. David Pumpkins is?

David Pumpkins: Taking it one day at a time.

Andrew: And the skeletons are?

The skeletons: Next to him.

David Pumpkins: Now, watch this.

[Music stars playing. David Pumpkins and the skeletons start dancing.]

What’s my name?

The skeletons: David S Pumpkins.

David Pumpkins: And where am I from?

The skeletons: Ibiza.

[The door closes]

Andrew: Si, mucho. He’s from Spain? He doesn’t even have an accent.

Jack: Yo, he said it was from there. It doesn’t mean he grew up there. Let him write his own story.

Andrew: Stop taking David Pumpkin’s side, dude.

Ego: David S Pumpkins, babe.

Kenan: Shh. Our next up is dead ahead. Open cell 665.

[The cell opens. There’s Freddy.]

Freddy: The star of your nightmares is indeed David Pumpkins.

[David Pumpkins and the skeletons walk in dancing] [The door closes]

Jack: Yo, I didn’t see David Pumpkins coming, man. That was fire.

Andrew: Why are you so on board with David Pumpkins?

Ego: Babe, just ignore him.

Andrew: I can’t. He’s most of this ride. Sir, why is there so much David pumpkins in this?

Kenan: Hey Look man, we spend a lot of money on Pennywise and Freddy Kruger, okay? There wasn’t a lot of money room left in the budget. Now set it up. We hear the infamous cell 666.

[The cell door opens. There are the skeletons but not David Pumpkins.]

Andrew: Okay, why is it just you guys now?

The skeletons: Don’t worry about it.

[Music starts playing. The skeletons are dancing.]

Happy Halloween from us.

[David Pumpkin is standing behind the three of them]

David Pumpkin: And me.

Andrew: Oh my god.

Weekend Update Congressional Candidate Stars in Own Sex Tape MethFilled Pumpkins

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Peloton logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A popular Peloton instructor is suing the company for nearly $2 million alleging that an executive mocked him for being Irish. In response, the executive countersued him for all the treasure in his pot of gold.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Itkis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Manhattan congressional candidate Mike Itkis started in his own sex tape in an effort to publicize his campaign. You know what? I’m gonna vote for him. Because I watched that video and we share a lot of the same positions.

[Picture changes to a calendar marked on 13th October]

Thursday was national no bra day, which is celebrated by not supporting women. It’s a bra joke.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mushrooms and United airlines at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: United Airlines passenger who was high on mushrooms assaulted two flight attendants. While over at Spirit Airlines, bath salts are the in flight snack.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a dog and its certificate at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pebbles, who was the world’s oldest living dog has died at the age of 22. But it’s okay, his owners knew this was coming if they didn’t keep them off my yard.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of kids riding bikes at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Some parents in Oregon are having large groups of their children ride their bikes to school at the same time in a formation they’re calling a bike bus, and pedophiles are calling a buffet.

[Picture changes to a gray whale]

Researchers say the number of gray whales of Western North America has continued to decline for several years. It’s a sad fact that makes me wonder if whale oil is really the best way to give my hair this amazing volume.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a chess board and NFL logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A growing number of NFL players are filling up their off time by playing chess with each other. And also, let’s see here, domestic violence. That’s how they’re spending their time, Colin.

[Cut to . There’s a picture of contact lenses container at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A video has gone viral of a doctor removing nearly two dozen contact lenses from a woman’s eye that she had forgotten were in there. And you know, you messed up when your doctor is like, “Hey, can I film this?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Benefits of colonoscopies overestimated” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A new studies suggest that the benefits of preventative colonoscopy is may be overestimated, but the pleasures are undeniable.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of packed meths at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Border officials have discovered $400,000 worth of meth hidden inside pumpkins. They could tell the pumpkins were full of meth because they only had like three teeth left. [Picture changes to a halloween pumpkin with bad teeth]