Tag: Punkie

Weekend Update- LSU’s Angel Reese on Her White House Invitation

Angel Reese… Punkie Johnson

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: There was controversy this week. When LSU basketball star Angel Reese refused an invitation to the White House to celebrate her team’s national championship. But now she has decided to go. So here to comment is Angel Reese.

[Angel Reese slides in] [cheers and applause]

Angel Reese: Yeah, the Bayou Barbie is in the building. Louisiana, stand tall.

Michael Che: Well Angel, you had quite a week.

Angel Reese: Yeah. I got people big mad. First they were mad because I was taunting. But all I did was this. You would have thought I pulled my nipple out and flicked it on national TV. Then they were mad because I didn’t want to go to the White House. But Che, they invited Iowa.

Michael Che: But they lost.

Angel Reese: Exactly. In the history of sports, when you lose you take your ass home. But then white girls lose. And suddenly it’s all teams matter.

Michael Che: Well, I’m glad you changed your mind. That’d be pretty cool.

Angel Reese: Yeah, it’ll be cool for them. I’m a big deal now, Che. Since college players get endorsements now, ‘m about to cash in. And my brand works for anything. How this sounds, Che? “Degree deodorant. Y’all stank.”

Michael Che: It seems aggressive.

Angel Reese: Okay, how about this one? “Garden Gnomes. Man, get yo little ass out my face.”

Michael Che: That’s a commercial for Garden Gnomes?

Angel Reese: Yeah. If the money right. Now, here’s my favorite. “Big ass eyelashes. Empowering women ballers and snuffleupacus since Angel Reese97Michael Che.”

Michael Che: Well Angel, I’m glad that you’re enjoying the moment.

Angel Reese: Yeah, I am. Look, last week women’s sports was boring. Now all you’re talking about is women’s sports. All this week. Why? Because women is balling right now. Man, I dropped 15 on Iowa. I went hard in the paint. I grabbed about 10 boards without even messing up my eyelashes. The only thing I regret is not getting more buckets. I could have picked that ball up, bounced it off old girl head like I was in the A-one tour. But you know, I was already in foul trouble, so your girl had to chill. And now I’m just sitting back getting all this Baby Gap money.

Michael Che: Why are you endorsed by Baby Gap?

Angel Reese: Because all these bitches is my son.

Michael Che: Angel Reese, everybody.

Angel Reese: You can’t see me. We going back to back. Angel Reese.

Weekend Update- Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day on Their 2023 Oscars Predictions

Colin Jost

Punkie Johnson

Mikey Day

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, the Oscars are almost here. Here to break down the nominees and all things Hollywood are Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day.

[Punkie Johnson and Mikey Day slide in]

Punkie Johnson: What’s up, Colin?

Colin Jost: All right, guys. So what can we expect from this year’s Oscars?

Mikey Day: Well, Colin, I’d love to tell you. But when Punkie and I sat down to do this, we realized that Punkie, a celebrity and entertainer, does not know any other celebrities or entertainers.

Punkie Johnson: This is true. She doesn’t even know their names really. Here are some examples. And these are all 100% true stories. I once saw Punkie called Tony Hawk “Tony Hawking” to his face.

Colin Jost: So Punkie you confuse the most famous skateboarder of all time with the genius physicist Stephen Hawking.

Punkie Johnson: I mean, look, they bold white men with wheels. So I mean-

[Michael Che laughing]

Mikey Day: But the best thing that has ever happened was a few weeks ago when Punkie told me that all of her friends could not believe she met Rick Bernstein.

Colin Jost: And who is Rick Bernstein?

Mikey Day: That is what I said.

Punkie Johnson: Well, so I said it’s the guy with the jeans. Duh.

Mikey Day: The guy with the jeans. I eventually figured out that Punkie was referring to living legend Bruce Springsteen. Rick Bernstein.

Punkie Johnson: Alright, look. I grew up on people like Eddie Murphy and Richard Pryor. That dude do wasn’t big in my house. So sue a bitch.

Mikey Day: So instead of an Oscars piece, I thought it’d be more fun to play a game we call “Who does punky mean?” Are you down to play?

Colin Jost: I feel like I don’t have a choice.

Mikey Day: Right. Everyone, you can play along. It’s super fun. Number one, Punkie referred to this celebrity as Claire Blankenship. Claire Blankenship.

Colin Jost: I don’t know. Claire Danes maybe?

Mikey Day: Okay, let’s see. Is it Claire Danes? No. It’s Anne Hathaway.

Punkie Johnson: Time out, time out.

Mikey Day: That really happened.

Punkie Johnson: No. Put the picture back up. Okay, I’m sorry, but does this bitch not look like a Claire?

Mikey Day: Okay. She does. That’s fair. You’re right. Number two. Zoey Dechanaise. Who does punky mean? Tell me what you’re thinking, Colin.

Colin Jost: I am thinking that this one has to be Zoey Deschanel.

Mikey Day: Okay, lock it in. Is Zoe Deshanaise Zoey Deschanel? Nope. Zoe Kravitz.

Punkie Johnson: Wait. No. All right, okay. All right look, see what happened was I’m getting my makeup done for the show because you know I gotta look good for Nor Michaels.

Colin Jost: Nor Michaels?

Punkie Johnson: Anyway, I see Zoe walk past and I say, “Ay, don’t I know you?”

Mikey Day: Yes, you did because she was hosting this show. That happened that week.

Punkie Johnson: My bad, Ms. Dachanese.

Mikey Day: Okay, last one. Here we go. Patrick Dempsey.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, I think there’s no way that she knows who Patrick Dempsey is. I guess I’m gonna say Patrick Stewart.

Mikey Day: Okay. No, she actually did mean Patrick Dempsey. She knows Patrick Dempsey.

Punkie Johnson: You’re damn right. I do know Mr. Dempsey. Dr. Derek Shepherd, baby.

Colin Jost: You’re a fan of Grey’s Anatomy?

Punkie Johnson: Hell, yeah. I love every show Bobby Rhimes.

Colin Jost: You mean Shonda Rhimes?

Punkie Johnson: No, I think you mean Busta Rhymes.

Colin Jost: No. Punkie and Mikey, everyone.

Weekend Update Punkie Johnson on Her Familys Holiday Rules

Michael Che

Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After two years, TSA inspects family holiday gatherings, to be back to pre pandemic levels. Here to talk about her family this holiday is Punkie Johnson.

[Punkie Johnson slides in]

Punkie Johnson: Hey. What’s good, Mr. Che?

Michael Che: I’m alright. So, you’re traveling to see your Family this Christmas.

Punkie Johnson: I am. They all down in New Orleans. Yo, I got a big family and we got lots of holiday rules. So, let’s start off with the most important, food. Like, the oldest person must always make the potato salad because they have lived, Che. They know the secret ingredient isn’t Aiza Paprika. It’s pain, dog. You can’t make real potato sad unless you struggle with bone disease, high blood pressure. Oh, you grew up drinking from a segregated waterfall.

Michael Che: That’s why my uncle Laiden makes salad. He don’t got a foot.

Punkie Johnson: Damn! He ain’t got no foot?

Michael Che: Nope.

Punkie Johnson: That potato salad must be delicious.

Michael Che: It is, Punk. So, does everybody bring something?

Punkie Johnson: Yeah, man .Everybody, except for my shady uncle. All he brings is his judgment, man. He still can’t believe I’m gay. He’d be like, “Oh, you’re still into them girls, huh?” And I’m like, “Yes, unc, because women are soft and fluffy. Like hotel pillows. And they smell like Cucumber, Lemon and stability.” I don’t want to wake up with no big hairy man in my bed with a bulge in my back. Oh, yo rough like Brixton, smell like Newports and excuses. Then he always asks me “Well, how do you expect to make a baby then?”

Michael Che: Well, do you want a baby?

Punkie Johnson: I do. I really do. Especially around the holidays, I get baby fever. But I gotta be honest, man. I don’t want a daughter.

Michael Che: You don’t want a daughter? Why not?

Punkie Johnson: Because what if she turned out straight? I don’t want my baby girl to get boned. Argh! Y’all feel me, fellas. Come on! If I have a daughter and she bring a man home, I’m gonna be like, “Bitch I ain’t raised you like that. Where you learn this nonsense, huh? If I’m gay, and your mama gay, then you gay.”

Michael Che: Punkie, you can’t make your child gay.

Punkie Johnson: Watch me. From age one to five, my baby is going to wear nothing but Jordans, a diaper, gold chains in a sports bra. She’ll be gay by six.

Michael Che: I mean, you never know what would happen. You could have a gay son.

Punkie Johnson: I don’t think so. My family motto won’t be, “If I’m smashing holes, then everybody’s smashing hoes in this house.” There’s gonna be a hoes smashing house, Che. Merry Christmas, America.

Michael Che: Punkie Johnson, everbody.

Punkie Johnson: Ma! I’m pregnant!