Weekend Update on Punxsutawney Phil

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a man holding a groundhog at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On groundhog day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. Isn’t it kind of funny that groundhog day starts the second day of Black history month? Just one day into about learning about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, and we’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s great. Oh, look, a groundhog! That looks way more interesting.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane and cans at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I want to quote our host from the monologue. [Michael Che laughing] Police ad Kennedy airport arrested a man after they found cocaine hidden in three cans of Tuna. He faces up to 10 years for the cocaine and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.

[Picture changes to a tent]

A new study finds that people can improve their sleep by camping out for a week during the winter. The study was published by hungry wolves.

[Picture changes to falcons]

A Saudi prince has reportedly spent over $15,000 to buy seats for his pet falcons, 80 of them. And all hell broke loose when they started the in-flight movie ‘Stuart Little’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Patriots and Falcons logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow is Super Bowl 51 and it’s the New England Patriots versus the Atlanta Falcons. You know, everybody’s talking about protestor and halftime with Lady Haha, but after everything this year, I just want to watch a football game and some doritos commercials. I mean, I used to make fun of white guys for getting upset at Kaepernick for protesting the national anthem, but now I get it. I’m exhausted too. For three hours, I just don’t want to talk about any social issues or politics. I just want to relax, turn my brain off and watch the blackest city in America beat the most racist city I’ve ever been to.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.