Weekend Update- Punxsutawney Phil on Seeing His Shadow

Michael Che

Punxsutawney Phil… Michael Longfellow

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This Thursday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow which means six more weeks of winter. Here to talk about it is Punxsutawney Phil.

Punxsutawney Phil: Hey, Che.

Michael Che: Hey, man. So six more weeks of winter. I mean, do you have any advice?

Punxsutawney Phil: I don’t know, man. Things are bleak out there. Write it out. I guess. [smokes]

Michael Che: You seem pretty down. I thought it was a big day for you.

Punxsutawney Phil: Dude. What’s the point of me? A weather predicting Groundhog in the year 2023? I’m useless. I’m like a condom in Nick Cannon’s wallet.

Michael Che: But you did see your shadow?

Punxsutawney Phil: Honestly, I’m seeing shadows everywhere. Climate change has made it all meaningless. Is winter still even a thing? Sure, it’s seven degrees now but I jogged in shorts on Tuesday.

Michael Che: You jog?

Punxsutawney Phil: For the resolution. And I wasn’t about to do dry January, you know what I mean? Alcohol. The only cool way to wet the bed. You know the core stopped?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: The earth’s core stopped spinning. Look. [there’s an article that says “Earth’s inner core may have stopped turning”] See? Just straight up stopped. They want me to go to work? I’m a groundhog. I live close to the core, Che. Well not that close but close enough that when it stopped spinning I was like “Whoa. You guys feel that?” Cool if I do a bump real quick?

Michael Che: No.

Punxsutawney Phil: Happy afterparty, very nice. You know the moon is the sun now?

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: Look. [there’s a picture of a sun that looks like a moon] Because of wildfires, this is what the sun looks like in California for like weeks at a time. It’s like you’re on a Star Wars planet. Not even a good one. Like, one of those dusty poor ones. Hey, you know for me, this is space.

Michael Che: I don’t know what that means.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, groundhogs live underground. So to me this is space. Houston requesting oxygen break. [smokes] You know NPR thing?

Michael Che: What NPR thing?

Punxsutawney Phil: Time is an illusion. Yes, science guys are saying this. It’s not just an excuse I used whenever my old lady says I missed our anniversary. We step out, guys like us, don’t we?

Michael Che: What do you mean guys like us?

Punxsutawney Phil: Oh, come on. I’m Punxsutawney Phil. She knows what she signed up for.

Michael Che: Oh, you’re like a bad groundhog.

Punxsutawney Phil: I’m not a bad groundhog. I just like good beaver.

Michael Che: Oh man.

Punxsutawney Phil: But seriously, I’m trying to keep my mind right by getting back to the basics, touching the grass, eating the grass, smoking the grass. You know, top people touch me, that’s probably why I drink wax.

Michael Che: What?

Punxsutawney Phil: You heard me. Look, at the end of the day. I just want to live a long peaceful life and then die of natural causes.

Michael Che: That’s actually very sweet.

Punxsutawney Phil: Well, for Groundhog natural causes means getting obliterated by an 18 wheeler on the Pennsylvania Turnpike.

Michael Che: Oh my god.

Punxsutawney Phil: They say you can’t even feel it. I’ll let you know.

Michael Che: Punxsutawney Phil, everybody.

Punxsutawney Phil: Live in a simulation.

Weekend Update on Punxsutawney Phil

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a man holding a groundhog at right top corner.]

Michael Che: On groundhog day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. Isn’t it kind of funny that groundhog day starts the second day of Black history month? Just one day into about learning about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, and we’re like, “Oh, yeah, that’s great. Oh, look, a groundhog! That looks way more interesting.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an airplane and cans at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I want to quote our host from the monologue. [Michael Che laughing] Police ad Kennedy airport arrested a man after they found cocaine hidden in three cans of Tuna. He faces up to 10 years for the cocaine and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.

[Picture changes to a tent]

A new study finds that people can improve their sleep by camping out for a week during the winter. The study was published by hungry wolves.

[Picture changes to falcons]

A Saudi prince has reportedly spent over $15,000 to buy seats for his pet falcons, 80 of them. And all hell broke loose when they started the in-flight movie ‘Stuart Little’.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Patriots and Falcons logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Tomorrow is Super Bowl 51 and it’s the New England Patriots versus the Atlanta Falcons. You know, everybody’s talking about protestor and halftime with Lady Haha, but after everything this year, I just want to watch a football game and some doritos commercials. I mean, I used to make fun of white guys for getting upset at Kaepernick for protesting the national anthem, but now I get it. I’m exhausted too. For three hours, I just don’t want to talk about any social issues or politics. I just want to relax, turn my brain off and watch the blackest city in America beat the most racist city I’ve ever been to.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.