Weekend Update- Roe v. Wade Leaked Draft Opinion, Vladimir Putin to Undergo Cancer Surgery

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mother’s Day flowers at left top corner.]

Well, guys, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, whether you want it to be one or not.

[picture changes to a news article that says “Roe V. Wade to be overturned”]

In an unprecedented move that could cause lasting damage to the Supreme Court, a draft opinion was leaked, which indicates that they intend to overturn Roe V. Wade. So the court is usually careful, but they slipped up just this once and now they’ve got to live with it forever. Hah! Sounds really unfair. The opinion was written by Justice Samuel Alito when he bases his arguments on laws from the 1600s. So it’s an outdated opinion from an angry 70 year old. This shouldn’t be a Supreme Court decision, it should just be a Facebook post. The opinion also seems like it was written in a weird conservative bubble. Here’s how you know, he quotes his own colleague, Brett Kavanaugh six times, one for each beer in the pack. He even cites Kavanaugh on civil rights, which is like citing Amber Heard on how to make a bed.

[picture changes to John Roberts]

Chief Justice John Roberts said that the leak was quote “The work of one bad apple.” One bad apple is also another legal argument used and Alito’s opinion. [picture changes to a painting of Adam holding an apple ad a snake attacking him] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Supreme Court has voted to overturn abortion rights, draft opinion shows” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, as a man, there’s no way I can understand the full impact of this issue. But I asked a bunch of women around the office, what their personal experience was with abortion. I gotta admit, I learned a lot from the HR meeting they made me go to as a result.

But I do know this ruling will have a disproportionate effect on poor people. I mean, most Americans don’t have access to the same resources that I do. I mean, the average person can’t just text Lorne in the middle of the night and say, “Yo, it happened again.” I just don’t get why Republicans are so against this. I mean, maybe don’t think of it as an abortion. Think of it as a Patriots storming the uterus to overturn the results of an unfair pregnancy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Rudy Giuliani at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I know you’re excited. Former New York City mayor and current Rumpelstiltskin, Rudy Giuliani, canceled an appearance before the January 6 committee at the last minute Friday after he was denied a request to record the interview. I assume on a loose VCR flashing 12 o’clock.

[picture changes to Vladimir Putin]

There are also unconfirmed reports that Vladimir Putin will undergo cancer surgery. Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but hey, good luck cancer.

Weekend Update Putin Misinformed by Advisers Will Smith Resigns from Academy

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisers about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine, which is kind of like Will Smith agent telling him “You crushed it at the Oscars.” Will Smith, for those of you who don’t know, walked on stage during the Academy Awards and slapped Chris Rock after he made a joke about Jada Pinkett Smith, which I think was a disgraceful act that sets a terrible precedent for having to defend your wife at award shows.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’ a picture of Will Smith at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During his acceptance speech, Will Smith said “Love will make you do crazy things.” You know it also makes you do crazy things? Crazy. But I understand where Will’s coming from. I mean, you can’t expect him to sit there and watch another man jump all over his wife without signing an NDA.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Will Smith at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Yesterday, Will Smith resigned from the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences. He wasn’t going to but then Jada gave him that look. If Will Smith had been expelled, he would have joined a small group of people kicked out of the academy, including Bill Cosby, Roman Polanski and Harvey Weinstein. Or as they’re also known, Bad Boys For Life. [Picture changes to a fake movie poster featuring them all] [Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Also, can we stop pretending everybody knew Jada had alopecia? I mean, as much as we heard about Jada and Will’s personal lives, you can’t expect this to retain everything. It’s like Kanye saying, “Don’t act I know I had psoriasis.” Just selfishly, as a comedian, I’m tired of people putting their own insecurities on our joke intentions. I mean, I can’t make a joke about it being cold outside without somebody yelling back “Stop making fun of my small penis. Keep my small penis… out your mouth.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Rock at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: I also really love that the reason they let Will Smith stay in the audience was that they asked Chris Rock and he said it was okay. So now, we just asked the victim right after they get hit in the head? “Hey, you cool if the guy who just attacked you hangs around for a while? You don’t want to make a man again!” I can’t believe the Academy has a worst concussion protocol than the NFL. And honestly, I can’t even blame the Academy for not knowing what to do. Nobody knew what to do. Even people at the Oscars were googling, “Did Will Smith just slap Chris Rock?” I think we should just acknowledge that that was one of the craziest things we will ever see in our lives. It’s truly like the Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction ,but if Janet’s nipple slapped Timberlake.

[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith and Chris Rock at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Not to mention, Chris Rock has been very public about his nonverbal learning disorder, which means it’s hard for him to understand nonverbal signals, sort of like how when he saw an angry Will Smith charging towards him and instead of moving out of the way, he put both his hands behind his back smiled and said, “Oh-Oh!”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Madison Cawthorn at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And in non Oscars news, Republican Congressman Madison Cawthorn, who’s the one on the right, said in a recent interview that 70 Old Republicans invited him to an orgy and did cocaine in front of him. Wait, so you went to the old man orgy? And you thought the weird part was drugs?

[Picture changes to Lindsey Graham]

Senator Lindsey Graham seen here picturing the orgy Madison Cawthorn said that Ketanji Brown Jackson is a person of exceptionally good character but he would not support her for the Supreme Court. So like many southern gentleman, he’s comfortable with black folks until they try to move in next door.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at right top corer.]

Michael Che: US officials are concerned that Vladimir Putin is keeping military units positioned near Kyiv despite earlier promises to withdraw. Putin’s failure to pull out has earned him the nickname Nick Cannon.

Weekend Update- Putin’s Best Friends from Growing Up Return

Michael Che

Vanessa Bayer

Fred Armisen

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: US intelligence officials now believe that Vladimir Putin personally oversaw the cyber attack on the democrats before the election. Here to defend them are Vladimir Putin’s best friends from growing up.

[Michael Che and Fred slide in]

Vanessa: Thank you.

Michael Che: So, Putin hacked into our electoral system, and that’s got to be a new low in diplomacy. But you guys are best friends with him?

Fred: Oh, he is the best.

Vanessa: Yeah, we love him. He’s like, a great leader.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: He has been leading for a long time. He’s focused, He’s disciplined.

Vanessa: Yeah, he’s such a hard worker. [soft voice] I will say he can be pretty petty. Okay, so he has this holiday party and on the invite, it says in bold letter, it says, “No gifts please.” So we show up and he goes, “Arriving empty handed, are we?” “You said no gifts!”

Fred: [soft voice] So, like, he points to us, right? With his thumb. And he rolls his eyes. Right? He turns to the room and he goes, “These cheapskates are here, hide your purses.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] first of all, that not only implies that we are cheap, but that we steal?

Fred: [soft voice] It said on the invitation not to bring anything.

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Yeah, I’m sorry. I’m having a hard to hearing you guys. I mean, are you saying that he turns on people?

Vanessa: [normal voice] No, no, no. We love him. He’s like, our best friend. He’s so unique.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: Like, he loves retro things. He collects fun vintage sodas. He’s like a nerd.

Vanessa: He’s such a nerd about it.

Fred: I will say [soft voice] he is very weird about money and then he keeps saying he’s not weird about money. So I’m like, “Why are you bringing it up?” So, walking to the party, okay.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Okay, first thing, he goes, “Hey, can you guys play some music? Because I dind’t want to shell out money for a DJ.” We go, “What?”

Fred: [soft voice] So… why are we working at your party?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah, you’re gonna make us work at your party?

Fred: [soft voice] Like, Russia can get you a DJ, you know?

Vanessa: [soft voice] Yeah.

Fred: [soft voice] So he comes around, he’s like, “Okay, hey everyone.” Goes out and comes back and, “We got a t-shirt for everyone. Merry Christmas.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re like flimsy.

Fred: [soft voice] And like itchy.

Vanessa: [soft voice] And they’re all the same size. So I got up to him and say, “Can I have a smaller size?” And he goes, “No, it was cheaper just to order all size larges.”

Fred: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president of a major nation.

Vanessa: [soft voice] Like, you’re the president.

Fred: [soft voice] Get different sizes!

Vanessa: [soft voice] Splurge. And he says, “Sorry it doesn’t fit. Maybe you can put it over your face when you go on a date.”

Fred: [soft voice] What is your problem?

Vanessa: [soft voice] You’re gonna invited us and then you’re gonna insult us? What?

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Alright, wait. First off, you’ve got to speak up. Please. I can’t hear. Also, do you understand how serious these accusations against Putin are? I mean he’s literally threatening the American political system.

Fred: [normal voice] I mean, honestly, he’s very dedicated, He’s strong, He’s brave. And Michael, he’s a fan of you.

Vanessa: He loves you.

Fred: He loves you.

Vanessa: He really says such nice things about you.

[Cut to Vanessa and Fred]

Fred: [soft voice] So, we go to the party. And we just say, “You know what? We’re going to head out.” Let me take off.

Vanessa: [soft voice] He goes, “You guys had a problem with me as soon as you walked in here. You didn’t ask me how my day was.”

Fred: [soft voice] “I have been dealing with all the hacking stuff, and Siberia is so cold.”

Vanessa: [soft voice] “So cold.”

[Cut to Michael Che, Vanessa and Fred]

Michael Che: Okay. I can barely hear you. But it sounds like you don’t actually like Putin.

Fred: [normal voice] No, it’s just that it’s very complicated.

Vanessa: It’s kind of like how you feel about Colin Jost.

Michael Che: Oh, no, no, no, no. I love Colin. [soft voice] I will say that [starts whispering with Vanessa and Fred]

Vanessa and Fred: Michael Che, everyone!