Dana… Cecily Strong
Male contestant… Taran Killam
Female contestant… Brie Larson
[Starts with Quiz Whiz intro]
Dana: Hello, and welcome back to Quiz Whiz, 2018. Your favorite game show that as a reminder takes place today in the year 2018. Now, our contestants have been battling it out and are now tied with one question left. Contetants, are you ready?
Male Contestant: All ready, Dana.
Female Contestant: Couldn’t be more ready, Dana.
Dana: Okay. Now, neither of you gotten a single question wrong so far. Which means this is for all the Quiz Whiz glory. First to buzz in with a correct answer win.s
Male Contestant: It’s gonna be me.
Female Contestant: No way, I’ve got this.
Dana: Okay. Well, here’s your question. In the year 2016, Donald Trump won the republican nomination for president. But what was the name of the man who came in second?
[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are thinking]
Male Contestant: Um…
Female Contestant: Shoot!
Male Contestant: Ugh! What was that guy’s–
Female Contestant: God! What was his…
Male Contestant: Oh!
Dana: Now as a reminder, he was on TV for 13 straight months. He was a major player in the election. It was Donald Trump first, John Kasich third.
Female Contestant: Yeah, I know John Kasich.
Male Contestant: Of course, John Kasich. Yeah.
Female Contestant: But who was that other guy that came in second?
Male Contestant: Uh! God! I’m trying to picture him but my brain’s showing me nothing.
Dana: Yes, that’s him.
Female Contestant: I- I can’t even remember his face. I’m just sort of seeing this blah…
Dana: Yeah, yeah, you’ve got it.
Male Contestant: Ugh, gosh! It’s on tip of my– what is it? Oh! Tongue! Yes, it’s on the tip of my tongue but no, I don’t know who the guy is.
Dana: Okay. Maybe this will help. In the final week of his campaign, he began a vicious crusade against transgender people.
Female Contestant: Right at the end?
Dana: Yes. Days before. What’s his name?
Male Contestant: God, I feel like I should know this. I mean, I am transgender.
Dana: Yeah. We all are. It’s 2018.
Male Contestant: Right. Dana, I would like to use my first lifeline. I’d like a visual clue.
Dana: Alright. Hands on your buzzers. Here it is.
[a picture of Carly Fiorina appears on the screen.
[Male Contestant and Female Contestant are looking excited, ready to press the buzzer.]
Male Contestant: Can’t wait for that clue, Dana.
Female Contestant: Tell us when you put up that clue, Dana.
Dana: Well, I just did. that’s it. That’s a photo of Carly Fiorina. She was this candidate’s vice president.
Male Contestant: Wait, what?
Female Contestant: He didn’t win the nomination but he had a vice-president?
Male Contestant: Named Cari Ferrari?
Female Contestant: Dana, I’d like to phone a friend. His name is Crichard. He teaches political history at Harvard and he will know this for sure.
[phone ringing]
Crichard: Hello, this is Crichard.
Female Contestant: Hello Crichard, it’s me. I’m on Quiz Whiz 2018 and I have a question.
Crichard: Oh. One second. I am driving. Let me just pull over to the side. Up the air. This is a flying car.
Female Contestant: Yes, of course. Okay Crichard, in twentysixteen, Donald Trump won the republican nomination.
Crichard: Yes. Yes. I definitely know this.
Female Contestant: What was the name of the man who came in second?
Crichard: Aii! Oh! Ah!
Female Contestant: Crichard, five seconds.
Crichard: Oh, and four and three and two and one and zero. Okay, goodbye.
Dana: Okay contestands, to help you out, we’re gonna give you two letters of his name. Here they are.
[The screen shows “T_ _ C _ _ _”]
[buzzer sound]
Male Contestant: Dana, I have it finally. Top Crap.
[wrong answer buzzer]
Dana: Oh. I’m sorry. That’s what he was voted in high school. We are looking for his name. Mark, you’re out.
Male Contestant: Well, I guess I’ll just head back home, on to Mars. You know, its 2018.
Female Contestant: Dana, I know that I can get this and I would like to use my final lifeline.
Dana: Your super clue. Are you sure? It will cost you 1,000 Quizzi-whizzies.
Female Contestant: I’m sure.
Dana: Okay. Are you ready? Here is your super clue. Heidi, he’s your husband.
Female Contestant: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. That is right. I forgot we did- we did do that whole thing together. Oh, god! That was so sad. He like, elbowed me on the face at the end. Okay, yeah. Of course I know what this is. Okay. [presses the buzzer button.] Final answer, Sus. I mean Ted. Cruz. Ted Cruz.
Dana: Yes. That’s correct. Heidi, you win. Thanks for watching. This has been Quiz Whiz, 2018. All hail president Trump.
[Dana, Male Contestant and Female Contestant come together and put their hands on their hearts.]
[A picture of Donald Trump wearing King’s Crown is dropped behind them]
All: [singing] Trump my fearless leader
his penis big and true
[The End]