Weekend Update LEGOs Titanic Set and YouTube Removes R Kellys Channels

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Harry Styles at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Harry Styles revealed that his 2019 song “Watermelon Sugar” is about the female orgasm. He also revealed the full title of the song is “Watermelon Sugar (is a myth)”.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of marijuana leaves at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Clint Eastwood was awarded $6 million in a lawsuit against a company that illegally used his image to sell their cannabis products, because nothing says ‘relaxed and stress free’ like Clint Eastwood’s face.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a statue of George Floyd at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A statue of George Floyd on display in New York city park was defaced for the second time. Police are searching for the suspect and are planning to serve him with a job application.

[Cut to Colin Jost. Theres a picture of Florida map at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Florida police discovered a meth lab on the 15th floor of a luxury condo building which in Florida is something they list in the brochure. [Picture changes to a brochure of a building that features a pool, a gym and a meth lab.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of caduceus symbol at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Doctors are saying that a man who came in to an emergency room complaining about chest pain had a 10 cm chunk of cement lodged in his heart. Anyways, he’s dead.

[Picture changes to a map of Germany]

A 96 year old German woman who was a secretary at a Nazi concentration camp has been released from detention. She’s now safely in a custody of her grandson. [Picture changes to Colin Jost] [Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of toy box at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And grandma, if you’re watching, go to bed. LEGO has announced the release of its largest set ever, a 9,000 piece replica of the Titanic. Unfortunately, hundreds of those pieces are just frozen Irishmen.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.

 

Whiskers R’ We

Barbara DeDrew … Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a clip of Whiskers R’ We store.] [Cut to Kate in her home]

Barbara DeDrew: Cats. A cat is a smile with hair. A cat is a friend who can’t stand up. A cat is a friend who has babies in your hamper. Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew, owner and proprieter of Whiskers R’ We, cat rescue, now online, coz when you’re in quarantine, everyday is Caturday. [giggling]

Since the lockdown, people have been adopting cats at a record rate, meaning the only ones left are real bottom of the barrel nobodies. Let’s meet today’s fee line up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Rex. Rex is a simple alley cat because all he alley (all he) wants is belly rubs.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Marbles. Marbles keep saying she’s been furloughed but the only job she ever had was licking her ass in the sun. What a jerk.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This little is called Dr. Anthony Meow-ci, because of his curious nature and because I’d have sex with him in a heart beat.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is Coco. She’s a rare havana brown. But most of the time, you can find her having a brown in her litter box.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [looking at the cat] I know you hate this. I know you didn’t want to be in the commercial. But my small business loan didn’t go through. It went to shake shack. So, please, try harder. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is a Brazilian shorthair which is ironic because she’s a mess down there. I know we’re quarantined but jeez, please have some self-respect.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is called Baxter and he’s got a pretty little secret. He’s really into bdsm. Bitin’ Dem’ Silly Mice.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] Are you even trying? You told me you went to NYU drama school but you’re giving me nothing. Nothing at all. Please try harder.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

We call this cat Boots because of the markings on her feet and because she’s a dominatrix specializing in split play and ding dong punishment.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] Well, we’re all depressed but sometimes just showing up and doing what you can do is enough. You know?

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Justice Cat-anaugh. Don’t get me started on how much he likes to drink beer. He’s out of control.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This is Felin-ona Apple. She waits 10 years to drop an album. And by album, I mean poop.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] What do you mean you think you’re pregnant? How is it even possible? Oh, for god’s sake, don’t mention it during the commercial. Please.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat. The cat’s face is covered by a mask.]

This is Allan. He’s not wearing a mask because of the virus. He’s wearing one because his teeth are [bleep] up.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.]

This cat is an organ donor. But the way she drinks, nobody’s gonna want that liver.

[Kate is taking a selfie video with her cat.] [talking to the cat] What do you mean you don’t want to get adopted? You want to stay here with me? Well, that was never part of the deal. I’m sorry.

[Cut to Kate]

So, visit Whiskers R’ We online today. We now do curbside delivery. Order one cat and we’ll leave 10 to 15 on your porch. Except maybe this one. [showing a cat]