Weekend Update- Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly’s Prison Sentences, NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of books.]

Colin Jost: The publisher of Roald Dahl’s books announced that they’re altering some of his insensitive language like the words “fat” and “ugly”, as well as modernizing his portrayal of women, which will mostly affect dolls beloved children’s classic, “the fat ugly wife who knew her place”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Brittney Griner.]

Michael Che: It was announced that Brittney Griner has signed with the Phoenix Mercury for one year. Unfortunately, the WNBA pays less than a Russian prison.

[picture changes to an alligator]

A four foot long alligator was discovered in Brooklyn’s prospect park. So you can probably take down all those missing dog posters.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Colin Jost: This week, both Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly were given additional prison sentences on top of the ones they are already serving. Which brings us to Michael Che’s new segment, “What do they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harvey Weinstein and R. Kelly.]

Michael Che: I mean, if anything, they’re guilty of loving too much, right? Players gotta play, am I right? Ladies? No!

Male voice: This has been “What did they even do wrong?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of New Jersey map.]

Colin Jost: You made some really good points, Michael. A new report shows that New Jersey has the second worst roads in the country. While the worst roads are the ones that go into New Jersey.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a pack of Vitamin C pills]

Michael Che: Experts have debunked claims that an unwanted pregnancy can be terminated with high doses of vitamin C. Well, that’s the last time I ask a woman to stay over for breakfast, Colin.

The NBA slam dunk was won by MAC McClung, a 6’2″ white man who has only appeared in two NBA games, which is just a terrible way to end Black History Month.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Push for more people in winter sports”.]

Colin Jost: The National brotherhood of skiers is pushing for greater representation of black people in winter sports, which are predominantly white. Hmm. So it seems like someone’s a little jealous that we took their precious dunk contest.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a calendar marked on February Michael Che7th.]

Michael Che: Monday is national polar bear day, previously known as national “polar bears” day. I don’t know, I love this audience. It’s going great from me.

A woman at an art fair in Miami accidentally shattered a Jeff Koons sculpture worth more than $40,000. Well, I guess it’s like you always say, Colin, coons ain’t safe in Florida.

Colin Jost: You’re gonna get me killed.

Magic Mirror

Aidy Bryant

Denice… Melissa Villaseñor

Lauren… Cecily Strong

Leslie Jones

Elsa… Heidi Gardner

Rapunzel… Kate McKinnon

  1. Kelly… Chadwick Boseman

Beck Bennett

[Starts with Aidy seeing off a girl in Disney Land.]

Aidy: Wasn’t that cool? You got Ariel. Well, thanks for stopping by the Magic Mirror. And dream big, little princess. [Aidy approaches other three visitors] Hi, there. Looks like we’ve got some grownup seekers today.

Lauren: Yeah. I know it’s weird but we’re out having fun.

Denice: Yeah. Can’t big girls like Disney princesses too?

Aidy: Of course they can. So, come on over ladies. Let me share with you a secret. Inside every strong beautiful princess, there is a lady. So, to see just who you are, just look in the mirror. So, give it a try.

Denice: Are you sure?

Aidy: Yeah.

Denice: Okay.

[Denice walks to the mirror. There’s Elsa waving her hand from Frozen in the mirror.]

Oh, wow, guys. Look, I got Elsa.

Lauren: Oh, my god. That makes sense. You are total Elsa. You’re so independent. You’re a total ice queen. Let me try.

[Lauren walks to the mirror. There’s Rapunzel in the mirror.]

Oh, look, you guys. I’m Rapunzel.

Leslie: I gotta say, that seems right. You’re adventurous, a little crazy and way too into your hair.

Lauren: Stop. You go.

Leslie: Okay.

[Leslie walks to the mirror. A black man wearing jeans, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and a bandana appears in the mirror. He is dancing slowly.]

Denice: Oh, wow. Who is that?

Leslie: Damn! I think that’s R. Kelly.

Lauren: Serious? Yeah, I think you’re right. That is R. Kelly. What’s he doing in there?

[R. Kelly is shhing.]

Leslie: Look at him. He’s shhing us. What are you up to, R. Kelly? Why is R. Kelly in there? The last place he needs to be is Disney Land.

Aidy: I don’t think that’s him. I’m pretty sure that’s a character from Mulan.

Leslie: Oh! Which character?

Aidy: I think that’s Shy Greg.

Leslie: Okay, I don’t know who that is. I haven’t seen Mulan in a while but–

[R. Kelly pulls out a bag and starts stuffing it with popcorn.]

Denice: Geez. What’s he doing now?

Lauren: Oh, look at him. Creepy. I mean, wow, he loves stuffing that bag doesn’t he?

Leslie: It is kind of disturbing. Look at him.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I got the popcorn in the bag
    popcorn in the bag, baby

Leslie: What is going on?

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in the–

Leslie: In what? I told you. He’s shady! Excuse me. I thought I was supposed to see my personal princess

Aidy: Well, you are. And I honestly don’t know what happens. So, try this. Close your eyes, make a wish for what you want to see.

Leslie: Alright. I wish for a real Disney princess.

[Elsa appears in the mirror. She is waving.]

Oh, my god. I got Elsa. Hi, Elsa.

[R. Kelly walks in the mirror and pushes Elsa away. He has a sandwich.]

Lauren: He’s back and he’s got a sandwich.

  1. Kelly: [singing] I’m in here

Leslie: Yo, what you in? No, I’m sorry. We gotta go. I’m out of here. Lauren, Denice, let’s just get out of here.

[Denice, Lauren and Leslie walk out]

Aidy: Oh, sorry. Who’s next?

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Oh! This thing is cool. [walks to the mirror] Who do I get?

[R. Kelly appears on the mirror again]

Oh! It’s Shy Greg from Mulan. Awesome!

R. Kelly Interview Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 15

Gayle King… Leslie Jones

R. Kelly… Kenan Thompson

Cameraman… Beck Bennett

Crisis manager… Chris Redd

[Starts with Gayle King in her interview set]

Gayle King: You’re watching a CBS news special. I am your host, Gayle King. And this is part three of my interview with R&B star Robert Kelly. Also known as R. Kelly. Also knows as individual who number one’s. Thank you for being here Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Thank you for having me and please just call me victim.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: I am not going to do that. I guess my first question for you, Robert is, why exactly are you doing this interview?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Because people think I’m some kind of a monster. I’m here to remove all of that. My lawyer was telling me no. But my ego, my ego was telling me yes.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Robert.

R. Kelly: Please call me victim.

Gayle King: No. [Cut to Gayle King] Tell me some of the things that people are saying about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:That I have a harem of young girls and I started a – what’s the word? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: You mean cult?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Right, and why do you think people are saying that about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Probably because it looks like I have a harem of young girls and I started a cult. Look, I made a lot of mistakes in my life. Maybe I can’t read or write or math. But I’m still a person. I put on my pants one sleeve at a time just like everybody else.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What about the lifetime docu-series that interviewed numerous women, family members and your former tour manager, [Music starts playing in the backgroung] all saying the same thing.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: [Singing] ♪It’s 10 in the morning. And I’m talking to Oprah’s friend.
♪If I can just get through this, everybody’s gonna love me again.

[Music stops] [Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Robert. The docu-series.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Oh, right. These people made a six part documentary about me, six. That’s almost ten. And not one of them said a nice thing about me. They made it seem like I was the devil. I’m not the devil. And even if I was, you can’t think of one nice thing to say about the devil? I can. Nice horns. Gives good advice.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So why do you think people are making these lines up about you?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:For money, obviously. I’m a very rich man. And people are always trying to take advantage of me.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Well, if you’re so rich, why did it take so long to pay 160,000 you owe back in child support?

[Cut to R. Kelly][Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:[Singing] ♪Damn, that’s a good question, I wasn’t expecting that
♪ Now I got to switch directions and get some sympathy back

Because I’m a very poor man.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: But Robert.

R. Kelly:Victim.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: No. You sold millions of records and made millions of dollars.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:More than millions. Thousands!

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Millions is more than thousands, Robert.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, my bad.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: So, what happened to all the money?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:I don’t know. Ask my—who’s the guy you pay to watch all your money? It starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Your accountant?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:No, my cousin Reggie, that’s it. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly] You know what, this is all great stuff. But maybe we should save some of it for the interview.

Gayle King: What are you talking about? This is the interview.

R. Kelly:For real? Then where are the cameras?

Gayle King: There’s literally one right in front of you.

[Cut to Cameraman behind the camera]

Cameraman: Hey!

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:You all just keep your camera out in the open like that? Y’all some freaks?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Just tell me why all those women would say the same things about you if they weren’t true?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: You can start a rumor about any celebrity just like that. All you got to do is push a button on your phone and say R. Kelly did this to me. And then attach a video of me doing that thing. And people will believe you. It’s scary.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: I really want to laugh right now. But I can’t tell if this interview is a prank on you or a prank on me.

[Cut to R. Kelly] [Music starts playing]

R. Kelly:♪This interview is going great
♪Oprah’s friend thinks I’m innocent.
♪I should be a lawyer
or maybe I should run for president

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: Stop singing.

R. Kelly:Oh, you can hear that?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, yes. Now, tell me why were you hanging out at McDonald’s?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Okay, first of all, I did not go to a McDonald’s.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, we saw you at McDonald’s.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, fine, I love McDonald’s. It’s my favorite restaurant in the world. They got that burger that I like, what’s it called? Starts with a Q.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Big Macs?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Yeah, that’s it.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Look, I’m just going to ask you plainly, have you ever held women against their will?

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Why would I do that? That would be stupid. How stupid would it be for me, R. Kelly, with all the crazy legal things I’ve don’t in my past, on tape and gotten away with, Scott Free, to do it again? How stupid do you think I am? Is this a camera? [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly pointing at the plant behind him suspecting there’s a hidden camera.]

Gayle King: No, no. That’s a plant.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: Okay, guys, think for a minute. Use your brains. Why would I do these things? [R. Kelly getting emotional, stands from his chair] For 30 years. I gave y’all trapped in the closet. Feeling on your booty. Age ain’t nothing but a number. And so many other clues. And this is how you repay me? I don’t have anybody left in my corner. 30 Years. [Crisis manager walks in to cool R. Kelly down]

Crisis manager: Okay, brother. Chill.

R. Kelly: That’s almost a decade!

Gayle King: Who the hell is this?

R. Kelly: Oh, this is my crisis manager. How am I doing?

Crisis Manager: Oh, you killing it right now Kells. Oh, you looking real good out here.

R. Kelly: Do I look sympathetic?

Crisis Manager: Damn, specially when you’re screaming at that lady, man, real pleasant. Now, we’re coming down the home stretch, all right? Crisis averted.

R. Kelly:Okay, [Cut to R. Kelly] I am ready to start the interview.

[Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly]

Gayle King: The interview is over. Robert, [Cut to Gayle King] you’ve been combative, defensive and completely unhinged. But somehow you expect us to believe you’re completely innocent.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: That would be ideal, yes. And now, I humbling await your decision, miss Jail King.

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: What? My name is Gayle King with a G.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you’re not the Jail King? Then what am I doing here?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Boy, you are not right.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:So you think I made things worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: Yes, you definitely made them worse.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly:Scale of 1 to 10, how much worse?

[Cut to Gayle King]

Gayle King: 13.

[Cut to R. Kelly]

R. Kelly: So is that highest? Okay, fine. I guess there’s only one thing left to say, Jail King. [Cut to Gayle King and R. Kelly. R. Kelly faces the plant where he thinks the hidden camera is] Live from New York—

Gayle King: It’s over fool. Right here. [Gayle King and R. Kelly face the camera]

Gayle King and R. Kelly: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.