Hailstorm

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Rachel… Heidi Gardner

Jean… Kate McKinnon

Rudolph… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with News Center 5 Albany intro]

[Cut to Ego and Alex at their news set]

Ego: Alright. Welcome back to Center 5 Albany. From the coronavirus to the red onion recall, there’s been a lot of difficult news this year.

Alex: And last night was no exception. When a sudden hailstorm hit the nearby town of Pebble Falls.

[Cut to

Ego: On any other day, Pebble Falls is a quaint town with the motto, “Come fro the ice cream, stay for the big Wooden Nickel”.

Alex: And never did citizens think their town would be the site of a freak once in a century natural event, a massive hailstorm that left them running for cover.

[Cut to Rachel, a local shopper]

Rachel: We’ve had crazy weather before but not like this. They were like golf balls.

[Cut to Jean, Wooden Nickel employee.]

Jean: The hail was coming down from the sky. It was like golf balls.

[Cut to Rudolph who works with Jean.]

Rudolph: And me, I found it to be similar to golf balls.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Wow. That sounds scary. So, what happened?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, I was driving and they started hitting my car.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: I was closing up shop at the Wood Nickel which is the place where I work.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And I was helping her because I also work at the Nickel. And then all of a sudden, the skies open up hail out of nowhere.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Now, Jean and Rudolph, it sounds like you had a harrowing experience trying to get indoors.

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Oh, that’s right. The hail was coming down so hard and we were grabbing on to each other. We could barely see anything.

[Cut to Rudolph]

Rudolph: And then finally we made it up to Jean’s porch and we looked at each other, and we were standing there and… we kissed. On the lips.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. It sounds like an emotional day. What happened next with the hail?

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Well, at that point, the rain had started. And the water level was rising in the streets.

Rudolph: And I remember talking to Jean and saying, “Jean, we kissed.”

Jean: And we sort of pulled away like… [shocked expression] And I was like, “Okay, that happened.”

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah. And hailstorm wise, at that point, Jean, water was going into your house. Were you scared?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: Yes. Oh, my. I was terrified. We were holding each other for safety. And his hand wound up on my breast. And it was a friend’s hand. And then at some point, it became a lover’s hand.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, okay. We are asking about the flood, though.

[Cut to split screen with Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Okay. And then a rescue crew came and put blankets on us. And I thought, “I’m under blanket with Jean.” And then she turned around and then, well, that was kiss number two.

Jean: Yes. And I opened my mouth for this one.

Rudolph: You know, if I had a nickel for every time we kissed under that blanket, I would have about 45 cent.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay, yeah. Why don’t we turn back to Rachel. Rachel, how were you affected by the events of yesterday?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, my life was absolutely turned up side down.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Okay. Thank you. Say more.

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Well, you know, they were both my friends and now they’re kissing? Wow! I mean, I’m not sure how I feel about it but check back with me about that please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Yeah, we’re definitely not going to do that. So, Jean, Rudolph, can you give us an update on this aftermath? How are things now?

[Cut to Jean]

Jean: We’ve been texting.

[Rudolph walks in]

Rudolph: A lot.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Ego: Oh, you’re together.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: Oh, well, we’re not together. We haven’t have that conversation yet. It’s kind of hard to have that on television.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yeah, Jean, we’re not asking you to.

[cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Jean: But since you asked us to I guess, [Jean turns to Rudolph] I don’t know. What do you think?

Rudolph: Oh, what do you think?

Jean: Rudolph. Please.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Several people in your town are missing. Have you been a part of those search efforts?

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph. They’re looking into each other’s eyes.]

Jean: No. I’m done searching

Rudolph: Yes. We have found what we were looking for.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: And Rudolph, I understand your wife is missing?

Rudolph: Is that right?

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Yes. She is.

[Cut to Jean and Rudolph]

Rudolph: Probably dead, though.

[Cut back to Ego and Alex]

Alex: Okay. Thank you Rudolph and Jean. Two coworkers who found something more.

Ego: Don’t you try that with me.

[Ego and Alex start flirting. Then they lean to kiss.]

Digital Exclusive- Jaden Acts Out

Rachel… Melissa Villaseñor

Jaden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: Hey, I’m Rachel. I’m reaching out for any support or tips on [cut to Jaden acting weird in the living room] how to deal with someone you’re living with during quarantine who keeps acting out and is naughty.

[Cut to a video of Jaden crying on a sofa. The video is recorded by Rachel. He has a glass of wine in his hand.]

Jaden: I put my jersey on a long time ago though.

Rachel: We can watch it now though.

Jaden: But I’ve been ready for so long.

Rachel: I know. If you stop crying, you can watch it.

Jaden: I’m not crying. I’m laughing coz I’m very happy.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: My husband, Jaden, he’s 35. He’s been doing his finance job from home. He’s being a bad boy.

[Cut to a video of Jaden drawing something on a notepad. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Getting some work done? Can I see what you’re doing please, Jaden? One, two, three. Show me.

[Jaden shows her the drawing. It’s a stick woman with big breasts.]

Okay.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: I know a lot of you are struggling with this at home, with your kids. I need the help.

[Cut to a video of Jaden going out to the balcony through the window. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Hey, no, no, no. We do not go outside. Jaden! Jaden! One, two, three, butts down. [Jaden sits.] One, two– [Jaden runs inside] Thank you.

[Cut to Rachel’s Instagram video post.]

Rachel: So, any supportive tips would be great. He’s being a little bastard.

[Cut to a video of Jaden in the bathtub. His face is painted red. The video is recorded by Rachel.]

Rachel: Oh, Jaden. Did you paint your face again? [Jaden nods yes.] To watch your Jordan documentary? [Jaden nods yes.] And you used my acrylic paints. So, that’s going to take a really long time to get off. [Jaden shakes his head no.] Have you had a lot of wine? [Jaden nods yes.]

Weekend Update Jennifer Aniston and Rachel Green

Colin Jost

Rachel… Vanessa Bayer

Jennifer Aniston

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Well, 90’s nostalgia is still growing as a TV trend with reboots like Fuller House and Gilmore Girls. Here to comment is Rachel from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

[Rachel slides in]

Rachel: What? Wow! Oh! Yeah! Hi, oh, oh, Colin. Yeah. Hi. Oh.

Colin Jost: Hi, Rachel. How are you?

Rachel: Oh, yeah. I’m, um, um, I’m, you know, I’m, um, um, I’m good.

Colin Jost: Wow. And now, why do you think people are so nostalgic for the 90s?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, yeah. You know, the 90s are great. You know, you go to work, uh, uh, you go on dates and you go to cafes with your friends and you all sit facing camera. Yeah! Hey, hey, you know, Joey had a really, really bad audition and we’re all gonna talk about it tonight at a– at- at the boy apartment. You, um, you should come.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a tray of cookies.]

Rachel: Oh, no. Urgh! Oh! I burned these cookies. Mon… is gonna kill me. Oh! Oh! Yeah.

Colin Jost: What just happened? What was that?

[Cut to Rachel]

Rachel: Oh, what? Oh, yeah, yeah, I don’t know. I think that just happens when I say a sentence that, uh, uh, that sounds complete. Yeah, uh, like, uh, like, I’ll see you tonight, don’t be late.

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Rachel. Rachel is holding a towel and a hairbrush.]

Rachel: Oh! Colin! Oh! You scared me. I was just in the shower. Ah!

Colin Jost: What?

Rachel: What? What? Oh, yeah. Well, uh, what, uh, yeah. Well, uh, yeah, well, what? Oh, you know, well, what? Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. What? Oh, yeah.

[Jeniffer Aniston slides in]

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Vanessa Bayer and Jennifer Aniston]

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, what are you doing?

Vanessa Bayer: What? Oh, what, yeah. Hi.

Jennifer Aniston: Wait, uh, can you just– can you just drop that for a second?

Vanessa Bayer: Um, yeah.

Jennifer Aniston: Vanessa, come on.

Vanessa Bayer: Oh. Sorry, Jen. What re you doing here?

Jennifer Aniston: What? For the last twelve days you’ve been texting me everyday to come and visit you. Listen, honey, I know that you love F.R.I.E.N.D.S. and we had such a great time making our movie together, but you gotta really try to stop texting me everyday.

Vanessa Bayer: Yeah, I know. I just texted coz I thought we could hang, coz I don’t know, I think you’re like, the best.

Jennifer Aniston: Oh, that’s so sweet, honey. You are too, but you now, F.R.I.E.N.D.S. was like 5 million and five years ago, so I think we just gotta move on.

Vanessa Bayer: Well, I– I don’t know. I thought, coz I do this great bit as Rachel, so.

Jennifer Aniston: Is it a great bit though? I mean, all it kind of just sounds all you’re doing is like, “What? Oh! What? Me? Oh, wow! No! What?”

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Wow, is it like this? What? Wow!

Jennifer Aniston: No! Vanessa! No, I don’t do that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel]Come on! Phoebs! Ross! Oh, Ross!

Jennifer Aniston: Oh! Alright, fine. You wanna go grab some nachos after the show?

Vanessa Bayer: Oh, yeah, that’s right. You love Mexican. That’s my favorite too. Um, I’d love to. See you there!

[Cut to short interval video clip of apartment from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.]

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston, Vanessa Bayer and Colin Jost. There’s nachos on the table.]

Colin Jost: Wait! How does that happen, that’s so jarring.

[Cut to Jennifer Aniston and Vanessa Bayer]

Jennifer Aniston: I don’t know.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] What? I don’t know.

Jennifer Aniston: I do not sound like that.

Vanessa Bayer: [mimicking Rachel] Oh, no. What?

Colin Jost: Jennifer Aniston and Rachel, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.