Rachel Brosnahan’s New Year’s Monologue | Season 44 Episode 10

Rachel Brosnahan

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with intro of SNL monologue]

Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, Rachel Brosnahan.

[Rachel walks in the door to the stage] [Cut to Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: Thank you, thank you very much. You guys, I am so excited to be here. You may know me as “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on the TV show called “West World”. But if you haven’t seen “Marvelous Mrs. Maisel”, it’s available on Amazon. Customers who like this bought a meat thermometer and D batteries. You guys, being here is insane. I am so thrilled to be hosting the first “Saturday Night Live” of the new year. [Cheers and applause] We can all agree that last year was not easy, but I for one am looking forward to having fun in 2019.

[Cecily Strong joins Rachel on the stage]

Cecily Strong: Yeah, this year is going to be great. I can feel it.

Rachel Brosnahan: Thanks Cecily. Happy new year.

Cecily Strong: Hey, Rachel. Same to you. Did you make a New Year’s resolution?

Rachel Brosnahan: Actually mine was to host SNL. I’m doing pretty well. What was your’s?

Cecily Strong: To find the killer [Cut to Cecily acting serious] and this year, I will.

[Cut to Cecily and Rachel]

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Oh, don’t worry about it. We’re having fun this year.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun in 2019
let’s have fun
out here living the dream
Let’s have fun only smiles no frowns
Let’s have fun 2018 is shut down.♪

Rachel Brosnahan: Shut down.

Cecily Strong: Oh, the government shutdown.

Rachel Brosnahan: And thousands of government employees are not being paid.

Cecily Strong: Neither are we.

Rachel Brosnahan: What?

Cecily Strong: Yes. Lauren told me I wasn’t getting paid this week.

Rachel Brosnahan: Maybe you should call your agent.

Cecily Strong: My who?

[Kenan Thompson joins Rachel and Cecily on the stage]

Kenan Thompson: What’s up? Happy new year! What we doing?

Rachel Brosnahan: What does it look like? We are having fun!

Cecily Strong: Yeah. So much fun.

Kenan Thompson:  Okay. Because I heard a lot of concerned whispering.

Cecily Strong: Nope, not from us.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun a brand new year
let’s have fun it’s a party in here♪
♪Let’s have fun and tonight we’re going to play
we’ll have fun like the ain’t no school today.

Cecily Strong: Oh, my god, the teacher’s strike.

Rachel Brosnahan:  Yeah, what is going on with that?

Kenan Thompson: You know what? Teachers don’t get paid enough. Class sizes are too big.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is anything functioning? I mean, you guys,

Cecily Strong:  Brexit. Oh, yeah. Is Europe like over?

Kenan Thompson: You know, I never got to go. And now it’s like closed, I guess.

[Kyle Moony joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Kyle Mooney: What up squad? What are you guys talking about?

Rachel Brosnahan: Hey, Kyle.

Kyle Mooney: Rachel.

Rachel Brosnahan: Can you go back out, and bring out someone who can sing?

Kyle Mooney: Sure, [Kyle tries singing the line] Even though I actually can sing. Hey Aidy.

[Kyle leaves the stage] [Aidy joins Rachel, Cecily and Kenan on the stage]

Aidy Bryant: Hey, what’s up my dude? I hear you’re having some fun.

Rachel Brosnahan: Yeah, you know it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Let’s have fun I’m giving out free hugs.
Let’s have fun and dancing to my new drug

Cecily Strong: Oh my, speaking of new drugs, have you heard of Krokodil?

Aidy Bryant: Oh yeah, Krokodil. That’s the Russian prison drug.

Kenan Thompson: Do not google it.

Cecily Strong: Oh, I just did it.

Rachel Brosnahan: I want to see. No! What is that?

Kenan Thompson: You melt.

Rachel Brosnahan: Is that bone?

Cecily Strong: Yeah. that’s bone.

Aidy Bryant: Okay, we got to move. The breaks on the Krokodil. We have to stop focusing on this bad stuff. It’s making us crazy.

Rachel Brosnahan: You’re right, the world is full of great things. We have to remember that.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: ♪Babies with glasses and free ice cream
cancelling plans and when dogs have dreams

Cecily Strong: And Krokodil

Aidy Bryant: No.

Cecily Strong: Just to try it.

[They start singing and dancing]

Everybody: Let’s have fun

Rachel Brosnahan: This is going to be a great new year and a great show. Guys, Greata Van Fleet is here. Stick around cause we will be right back.

Earthquake News Report | Season 44 Episode 10

Carol Kumdungeon… Kate McKinnon

Randall Fields… Mikey Day

Donald McRonald… Kenan Thompson

Mark Peanus… Kyle Mooney

Dr. Shayna Steele… Rachel Brosnahan

Firefighter… Pete Davidson

Nurse… Aidy Bryant

Julia N… Heidi Gardner

Dr. Donna Diddadog… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9, News at five intro]

Narrator: Action 9, news at five, Nor Cal’s number one choice for news.

[Cut to Carol in her news set]

Carol Kumdungeon: Good afternoon. Our top story, a 4.3 magnitude earthquake rattled Downtown Sacramento this morning, causing some structural damage. Our own Randall Fields is in Capital Plaza. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, besides the ground, what’s shaking over there?

Randall Fields: Well, lots, Carol. And given the severity of the situation, I found that earthquake pun in very poor taste. [Cut to Randall] I’m here at the social security administration building where a proportion of the second floor caved in, trapping several people who are in the legal change of name office below. I’m told the building was especially busy as due to the partial government shutdown, office hours have been limited. Joining me are two gentlemen [Donald and Mark join Randall] who were inside the building, waiting to change their names when the earthquake struck. Please, tell us who you are and what you remember.

Donald McRonald: Yeah, my name is Donald McRonald. And I’m trying to change my last name to Johnson, finally stop all the dumbass childish jokes, when everything just started shaking.

Mark Peanus: Yeah, I don’t even know how I got out. But I’m feeling—very lucky right now.

Randall Fields: And your name sir?

Mark Peanus: Mark Peanus.

Randall Fields: Oh my goodness.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, Im’ sorry. [Cut to Carol] I’m going to have to cut Mr. Peanus here, as we have an update from search and rescue officials at the scene.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a nurse and a firefighter]

Dr. Shayna Steele: I’m Dr. Shayna Steele, triage coordinator for family members. Worried about relatives who were in the change of name office. Here is a list of rescued individuals taken to St. Joseph’s memorial hospital. Lisa Simpson, Bill Kosbie, Mario Pardi, Ty Neadik, Morgan Mindy.

Firefighter: Nanu Nanu. Sorry.

Dr. Shayna Steele: The following people are at Sacramento general. Siblings Gary, Larry and Mary Potter. Tadd Kobell, Ivan Jerganov.

Nurse: You have? That was gross. And I am sorry. Ha-ha-ha.

Dr. Shayna Steele: Pete Ophelia and Keith– um… how would you say that?

Firefighter: Ka’weaf. Keith Ka’weaf.

Dr. Shayna Steele: I should mention that we did not know Mr. Ka’weaf was inside so when he came out it was delightful surprise. We will update you as we learn more. Thank you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Okay. Thank you. Let’s check back in with Randall Fields. [Cut to split screen. Carol at the left side and Randall at the right side. Randall is in front of destroyed building] Randall, with this earthquake. Any idea who’s at fault?

Randall Fields: Again Carol. I find your earthquake jokes very inappropriate. [Cut to Randall] I am standing here with a civilian [Beck Bennett joins Randall] who helped get lots of folks out safely. Some are even calling him a hero. Mr. Alan Hitler.

Alan Hitler: Oh, please don’t say hero, and please don’t say my last name. Just use an initial.

Randall Fields: Well, [The name tag in the news sayd “A. Hitler, hailed as a hero”] based on your actions today, the only thing you share with the other Hitler is the last name.

Alan Hitler: And unfortunately, some DNA. He’s my great uncle. But everyone’s got that embarrassing relative, right?

Randall Fields: Kind of.

Carol Kumdungeon: Randall, [Cut to Carol] I am sorry. I hate to interrupt Mr. Hitler who we admire so much, but Dr. Steel has some new information.

[Cut to Dr. Shayna Steel. She is standing with a young boy]

Dr. Shayna Steele: Moments ago a search team rescued this young boy who came to the change of name office by himself and didn’t tell his parents because he thought they would be mad. Mom, dad, rest easy. Holden Tudiks is safe. And mind I add, he is a great kid. Holdin Tuiks has got us all laughing down here. [Firefighter walks behind them laughing and clapping] [Cut to Randall and two women victims]

Randall Fields: What a relief for those parents as I am sure they love Holden Tudiks more than anything else in the world. I’m here with two more folks able to get out, thanks to Mr. Hitler. This is Julia and I am not going to say her last name as it sounds very close to the N word.

Julia N: Yes. I should just say that well, it is spelled the same way, it’s actually pronounced like cigar.

Dr. Donna Diddadog: Right, but then it would sound like he’s saying the N word with a British accent.

Randall Fields: I do agree. Sound advice from–

Carol Kumdungeon0: Dr. Donna Diddadog.

Randall Fields: Alright. More with Julia N and Dr. Donna Diddadog, after the break. Carol, back to you.

[Cut to Carol]

Carol Kumdungeon: Thank you Randall. Coming up, more on the Situation Downtown where the mayor is scheduled to speak. Stay with us, for Action 9 news, I’m Carol Kumdungeon.