Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]
Michael Che: Good evening everyone.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.[Cut to Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Well, Donald Trump has had a really, really tough week but you know what? I think I’m still gonna make fun of him.[Picture changes to Michael Cohen]
The FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen this week. Authorities first became suspicious of Cohen when they found out he was the lawyer for Donald Trump. This does not look good for Trump. If being black has taught me anything, it’s that when the feds come kicking at your door, they got something. FBI raids are like when a girl goes through your phone. She is only doing it to confirm whatever she already knows.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Michael Cohen and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And Michael Cohen raid is being called historic. It’s amazing how we keep hearing historic in reference to things that happening during Trump’s administration and non of them are positive. Historic has become a polite way of saying, “Unbelievably terrible.” Like, “Wow, the Cleveland Browns are having another historic season. Or if you walk out of the bathroom and you say, “You better give it a minute. I just did something historic.”[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and map of Syria at right top corner.]
Michael Che: President Trump ordered an airstrike on Syria Friday night, so I guess we’re at war now too. Yay! These Trump stories are so random and insane, I feel like contestant on chopped. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these ingredients? I mean, I knew he was going to try to create a distraction but I thought it would be something small. Like, tweeting the N word at Tristan Thompson. I didn’t know he was going to put us in a full war. Plus, isn’t he going to jail soon? He shouldn’t be signing us up for stuff. He should be kissing us on the forehead and telling us to take care of mommy. [Picture changes to Mike Pence] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of James Comey at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: In his memoir “A higher loyalty”, James Comey calls president Trump ego drive and said that he is untethered to truth. The book was co-authored by Captain Obvious.[Picture changes to Donald Trump’s tweet]
President Trump responded to the claims in Comey’s new memoir calling him a leaker and a liar. Which coincidentally is also the name of the video the Russians have.[Cut to Michael Che. There are pictures of Donald Trump and James Comey’s memoir at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to James Comey’s new memoir, president Trump denied allegations in the Russian dossier saying, “I’m a germaphobe. There’s no way I will let people pee on each other around me.” First of all, you can’t call yourself a germaphobe when you’re out there raw dogging pornstars. Also, paying hookers to pee on each other while you hang back and watch is exactly something a germaphobe would do. Sidebar, am I the only one that thinks the president being into pee-pee is, I don’t know, kind of charming? Yeah? I mean, it’s humanizing. Like, remember when we saw that video of Obama playing basketball and we were like, “Oh, wow. He’s just like us.” It’s the same thing but like, times two.