Tag: Rami Malek

Superhosts

Melissa Villaseñor

Brad… Mikey Day

Lexi… Cecily Strong

Tobi… Rami Malek

[Starts with Melissa and Brad getting inside their Airbnb apartment]

Melissa: Wow, babe. This Airbnb is really nice.

Brad: Yeah, it is. I love all the exposed beams and tongue-and-groove woodwork.

Melissa: Brad, you’re straight, right?

Brad: Ha-ha.

Melissa: No, seriously. I just need to hear you say it once.

[Lexi and Rami walk in]

Lexi: Hi. Knock knock.

Rami: Hello.

Lexi: Hi. It’s your Airbnb hosts. I’m Lexi.

Rami: And I’m Tobi with an I.

Melissa: Oh, we didn’t know you were coming by.

Lexi: Yeah. We just want to make sure you got in okay.

Rami: Or if you need recommendations on where to go on the area like outside, or in here. I just wanted you to be happy.

Brad: Oh, cool. Yeah, I think we’re good so far.

Rami: We’re trying to become super hosts.

Lexi: Yeah, yeah, it’s an Airbnb thing. If you get enough great reviews, you get a little badge on your profile.

Rami: And people see the badge and they go, “Ooh! They got a badge!”

Melissa: Well, so far everything is great.

Rami: Oh, good. And I hope it’s okay but we looked at your Instagram and we saw a picture of you eating pizza, so we got you guys one.

Lexi: Yes! And it’s pepperoni, like in the picture.

Brad: Yeah! I guess so. Yeah! Cool.

Rami: We also saw another picture where you had a little psoriasis. So, we got you this medicated body wash.

Melissa: Oh, okay.

Lexi: Yeah. Also, I saw in one of your posts you had a blue shirt. So, we got you these blue pants.

Brad: Okay.

Rami: Well, they’re actually for both of you.

Melissa: Oh, we’ll be sure to both wear these.

Lexi: Sorry. We just– We want you to love the house as much as we do.

Rami: Yeah. This is where we lost our virginity at each other.

Brad: I’m sorry. ‘At’ each other? How long have you guys lived here?

Rami: A week. And after you guys check out, we’re gonna try again.

Lexi: It really hurt him.

Rami: It was hell of painful. For me.

Melissa: Well, thank you so much for everything, but we’re kind of tired.

Rami: Oh, okay. That is definitely code for “Get these serial killers out of here so we can start our own vacation”.

Lexi: [to Rami] We’re not serial killers. Don’t tell them we’re serial killers. You’re scaring them, Josh.

Brad: Oh. Weren’t you Tobi with an I?

Rami: Ha-ha. Anyway, if you have any questions at all, just call us.

Melissa: Yeah, I do have one question. What is that painting on the mantel. [There’s nude painting of Melissa and Brad on the wall]

Lexi: Oh, of your bodies?

Brad: Yeah! The one of us and our exposed bodies.

Rami: Ah! That was supposed to be your checkout gift.

Lexi: Oh, sorry, we’re trying to get that badge.

Melissa: And you did a nude of our dog too? [there’s a picture of a dog on the wall]

Brad: Oh my god!

Rami: Yeah you’re welcome.

Lexi: Oh, and guys, just FYI, the wifi here isn’t great, so we left you some porno mags in the bathroom.

Rami: Yeah, and don’t you worry. They’re the kind you like.

Lexi: Yeah. If you need anything else at all, just call us like this…

Lexi and Rami: [yelling] Hey you guys!

Brad: Alright. Please leave.

Lexi: I’m sorry. You know what? We just really want to be super hosts. Okay, how can we make it up to you?

Rami: Oh, should I play guitar while you unpack?

Brad: Oh, no, no. That’s fine.

Melissa: Well, we can hear a little bit.

Rami: Oh, that’s so nice of you. [gets a guitar then thinks] Oh no, I forgot how. Sorry.

Brad: Okay. I think we got it from here.

Lexi: Oh! Last thing, there’s fresh sheets in the closet for two days from now.

Brad: What do you mean two days from now?

Rami: Oh, we just know how you guys are always too tired for sex on the first night of vacation. So, you get really nasty the next night.

Brad: Dude! What the hell! How do you guys know this?

Lexi: From Instagram.

Brad: We don’t post that on Instagram.

Rami: Well, we infer based on your faces in previous vacation photos. You smile way more on day three.

Brad: My god. Why are you guys doing this?

Rami: Ah! Okay, fine. You want the truth? We saw you on Instagram a month ago and we thought you were cool.

Lexi: We were on the hashtag for #pizza and we saw your pepperoni pizza posts and thought you’d make good friends.

Rami: So, we sold our house and we built this one to make it an Airbnb.

Brad: Why didn’t you just rent your old place.

Lexi: Ha-ha-ha.

Rami: You see? This is exactly why we need you guys around.

Lexi: To keep us from doing stupid stuff.

Melissa: It’s okay, guys. I actually think it’s pretty sweet. We’ve never had anyone do a painting of us and that’s worth five stars in my book.

Rami: Wow.

Lexi: Thank you.

Rami: Speaking of book, don’t forget to sign our guest book.

Brad: Yeah, of course. [opens the guest book] It just says “Run”.

Lexi and Rami: Yeah, we’re serial killers.

[Lexi and Rami raise their fists]

Lexi: Oh, no. We forgot our knives.

Rami: We’re so bad at this.

Lexi: You guys, stay right there. We’ll be right back. Don’t move.

Prince Auditions

Punkie Johnson

Ego Nwodim

Jordon Peele… Chris Redd

Kenan Thompson

Rami Malek

Daniel Craig

Punkie: Well, it looks like we have a tough choice on our hands.

Ego: I know, I know. I didn’t expect this decision to be so difficult. What do you think, Jordon Peele?

Jordon Peele: I still can’t decide, but it’s definitely between the last two, agreed?

Ego: Definitely.

Jordon Peele: You know what? Why don’t we bring them back in?

Ego: Um, Derpee, can you send in the last two auditioners?

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek walk in. They both have guitars with them and are well dressed up as Prince.]

[cheers and applause]

Punkie: Wow, this is gonna be tough.

Jordon Peele: First of all, you guys are by far top two choices to play Prince in my new bio.

Ego: But obviously, we can only pick one.

Rami Malek: Of course.

Kenan Thompson: Right. Right.

Jordon Peele: So, the only way to settle this is to have a Prince off.

Rami Malek: A Prince off, sir?

Kenan Thompson: What the hell is a Prince off?

Jordon Peele: Yes. I’ll call out some random scenes from the script and you two will give me your absolute best Prince performance at the same time.

Kenan Thompson: We can do that.

Jordon Peele: Alright. Show me Prince doing a funky lick on the guitar. Action.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good. Now, show me Prince getting pelted in the legs with a football.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Good.

Ego: Now, do Prince stepping on a lego.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Punkie: Oh my god, this is so hard.

Jordon Peele: Okay, Prince is with his lover and he finishes prematurely.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Great. Great. Now, Prince gets in the shower and the water’s too hot.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: Let’s see Prince get shot in the stomach.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Prince gets a covid test but they go up too far.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Ego: Now, Prince realizes his virgin pina colada isn’t virgin.

[Kenan Thompson and Rami Malek do the same act]

Jordon Peele: And cut. How do we choose?

Ego: God, I don’t know. Shooting starts tomorrow.

Punkie: So, it’s going to be Rami Malek or Kenan Thompson?

Jordon Peele: I mean, Rami, you look almost identical to Prince in costume.

Rami Malek: Thank you. I was up all night making this look.

Kenan Thompson: Thirsty.

Punkie: And Kenan, you’re in costume but you look nothing like Prince.

Kenan Thompson: Yes, that is correct.

Jordon Peele: But you are black and Rami is not.

Kenan Thompson: Thank you very much.

Rami Malek: You know, that’s not fair.

Jordon Peele: I’m sorry. I just don’t think I can cast a white guy to play Prince.

Rami Malek: But my parents are from Egypt, right? And that’s in Africa.

Kenan Thompson: Come on, man.

Ego: Don’t do that.

Rami Malek: Okay, fine. But doesn’t Prince, like, doesn’t he transcend race?

Jordon Peele: Not in this movie, no.

Ego: There’s an unexpected twist in this Jordan film.

Jordon Peele: That’s right. You see, it starts off with Prince bio, but then–

Rami Malek: It turns into being a horror movie by racism.

Jordon Peele: Okay, lucky guess. Anyway, Kenan, you have the part.

Kenan Thompson: Hurray.

Rami Malek: This is bull.

[Daniel Craig walks in wearing costume worn by princes of Punkie9th century]

Daniel Craig: Am I late?

[cheers and applause]

Ego: Sorry, Daniel Craig.

Daniel Craig: Is it late for the audition for the part of the prince?

Kenan Thompson: Yes, you are.

Ego: Again, sorry, Daniel Craig.

Jordon Peele: And the audition is not for the prince, it’s for Prince the singer.

Daniel Craig: Ha-ha. Yeah.

Ego: Did you even read the script?

Daniel Craig: Yeah, yeah, it’s a horror movie that’s about racism, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah, it is.

Daniel Craig: Well, look, I’m here. I’m ready. Can we? Can I at least have a go? Try? [Daniel Craig gets a guitar]

Jordon Peele: Fine. Show me Prince seeing an adorable dog.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Ego: But then it bites him.

[Daniel Craig does the act]

Punkie: Okay. So, he kicks it and he misses.

[Daniel Craig does the act. He almost falls on Kenan Thompson.]

Kenan Thompson: Hey. Get off me, Double-O-ugly.

Jordon Peele: How was that?

Jordon Peele: That was bad. But you’re James Bond, so you got the part.

Please Don’t Destroy – Rami Wants a Treat

Rami Malek

Ben Marshall

John Higgins

Martin Herlihy

[Starts with three writers just chatting in their office on Thursday night]

Ben Marshall: One of them is like, a horse.

John Higgins: Um, it can be fun.

[door knocking]

[Assistant walks in]

Assistant: Hey, you guys ready to meet with Rami?

Ben Marshall: Yeah, send him in. Totally.

Rami Malek: What’s up, fellas?

Ben Marshall: Have a seat.

Martin Herlihy: Pretty good.

John Higgins: Hey, buddy. How’s it going?

Rami Malek: Good. How you doing?

Ben Marshall: Good. Good. First time hosting SNL. How’s it going?

Martin Herlihy: Exciting, right?

Rami Malek: I’m almost through the first week.

John Higgins: Yeah.

Rami Malek: And the whole time, I feel like I’ve been on good behavior.

John Higgins: Yeah, dude. You’ve been killing it.

Martin Herlihy: Yeah.

Rami Malek: So, it feels like I deserve a treat.

[Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy are confused]

Martin Herlihy: Um, what’s that?

Rami Malek: A treat, for being on good behavior. You know, like a cookie or a toy.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah.

Rami Malek: It just feels like, if there’s no reward, I mean, why should I be on good behavior at all? [looks deadly at Ben Marshall]

John Higgins: Um, that’s a good question.

Ben Marshall: Oh, yeah. How about my mousepad?

John Higgins: Ben’s Mouse pad. It can be fun, right?

Rami Malek: Yeah. I’ll put that in my house.

John Higgins: Yeah. Hey, we have this idea for you–

Rami Malek: I’d like another treat.

Martin Herlihy: Man, I don’t know if we have more treats for you.

John Higgins: Seriously, dude.

Rami Malek: Fine. Well, in that case, I guess I’ll just be on bad behavior.

[Rami Malek knocks a drink off of their table]

Ben Marshall: What?

Martin Herlihy: Are you kidding me, Mr. Robot?

John Higgins: Come on, man.

[Rami Malek is pointing at a Redbull can]

Ben Marshall: Rami, no. no.

[Rami Malek knocks the can off the table]

John Higgins: Oh my god.

[Rami Malek opens the fridge]

Ben Marshall: Don’t go in the fridge.

Rami Malek: Is this your food?

John Higgins: Do not touch that tortellini–

[Rami Malek throws the sandwich into garbage can]

Martin Herlihy: Oh my god.

Rami Malek: I want more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Uh-uh, Rami.

[Rami Malek just starts throwing everything into the garbage can]

John Higgins: I could hit him.

Martin Herlihy: You promised never.

Rami Malek: A song can be a treat.

Martin Herlihy: A song?

Ben Marshall, John Higgins and Martin Herlihy: [singing] I know when that hotline bling
that can only mean one thing

[Rami Malek starts vandalizing the place]

John Higgins: Rami, I’m going to freak out. No!

Martin Herlihy: Be careful, do not touch the roof.

Rami Malek: Give me more treat.

Martin Herlihy: Oh, sure. I’ll give you a treat. [pulls out a gun] I’ll give you a one way trip to hell.

Ben Marshall: Martin, no.

Martin Herlihy: No, I’m thinking about it. I’m honestly thinking about it.

[Rami Malek is staring at a laptop]

John Higgins: No! No! No!

[Rami Malek is ready to throw the laptop]

Ben Marshall: Why are you acting like this?

Rami Malek: Because I’m scared. SLN is almost over. And after this, I’m gonna have to go out into the real world .

Martin Herlihy: Rami, sweetheart, you’re gonna do great.

Rami Malek: But I’m really gonna miss you guys.

John Higgins: You’re gonna make so many new friends.

Ben Marshall: And we’ll still be here for you. So, what do you say you just–

[Rami Malek hits the laptop on the table and storms out]

John Higgins: Oh come on! Man!

Martin Herlihy: I should have shot him.

Mattress Store

Denise… Aidy Bryant

Richard… Rami Malek

Salesman… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Denise and Richard checking out a mattress]

Denise: Oh, I like this one. It is so soft.

Richard: Yeah. But is it too soft? Look at me, like Goldilocks.

[Salesman walks in]

Salesman: Hi, can I help you folks with anything today?

Richard: Um, we’re looking for a mattress, but we’re torn between these two.

Salesman: Oh, it is a big decision. We do spend a third of our lives in bed.

Denise: Wow, yeah, true. Hey, honey, why don’t we try it out so we can see how it would really feel.

[Denise lies down on the mattress]

Richard: Okay. [to Salesman] Sometimes I get home late from work and it just wakes her up.

Salesman: Oh, sure. Just try this out, you’ll barely feel any movement. Go ahead.

[Richard lies down with Denise]

Denise: Well, well, well. Look who’s finally home. Where were you?

Richard: Denise, you’re awake.

Denise: I am, and you reek of vermouth and whores.

Richard: Can we not do this Denise?

Denise: Oh, so I’m the problem? Go to hell! [Denise and Richard think for a moment] Yeah, this was good, right? I love it.

Richard: Yeah. Yeah. This is really, really comfortable.

[Salesman is confused]

Salesman: Okay.

Richard: I can really picture us one this.

Denise: I know. Yeah.

[trying the mattress again]

Richard: Goodnight, my love.

Denise: Goodnight. You were being weird at the party tonight.

Richard: I was having fun.

Denise: You kept talking to Andrea and Andrea is a bitch.

Richard: Am I on trial, you nagging shrew?

[Denise and Richard think for a moment]

Denise and Richard: This is nice.

Denise: Yeah, honestly, I almost fell asleep.

Salesman: No, you guys were doing like, a little play.

Richard: Well, you know, we just want to make sure that the mattress is perfect for us.

Denise: Yeah, like you said, you know, we spent three thirds of our lives in bed.

Salesman: That is not what I said.

Richard: Honey, let’s try the other one.

Salesman: Yeah. Go head. You want to make sure the right decision.

[Denise and Richard lie down on the other mattress]

Denise: Oh, okay. Sleep tight, Richard.

Richard: Oh, Deinse, you’re driving me wild with that night gown.

Denise: No, Richard. I’m tired.

Richard: Oh, really? You’ve been tired for a month, Denise. Whatever, goodnight.

[Richard covers his hip with a bedsheet and pretends like he’s masturbating.]

Denise: Richard! I’m not even asleep yet and you’re jerking it?

Richard: I’m backed up and it’s pissing me off.

Denise: Oh, wow. Wow. You’re watching  porn in our brand new sleepy town bed? Well, tell me the title. Tell me the title of the porn.

Salesman: Now, don’t tell her, man.

Richard: Hot lady gets adult detention.

Denise: Oh, you disgusting.

[Denise and Richard think for a moment]

Denise and Richard: Oh, yeah. We love this one.

Denise: But you know what? I did like the other one too. Should we try it again?

Richard: Sure.

Denise: See, this does feel just as nice.

Richard: It is so soft.

Salesman: So, what do we think? Hello? Are you guys asleep?

Denise: [screaming] Ah! There’s someone in the house.

Richard: I’ll get the gun.

[Richard pulls out a gun from under the pillow]

Salesman: When did you put that thing there?

Denise: No, Richard, not that gun. Get the killing gun.

[Denise pulls out a bigger gun from under her pillow and passes it to Denise]

Richard: Good thinking, Denise. Bang, bang.

Denise: Oh my god. You killed the intruder. You protected me. Damn. I’m so horny for you.

Richard: You come to me.

Denise: Yes. Do me like I’m in adult detention.

[Denise and Richard start making out]

Salesman: Hey! Alright, enough! Enough! Please, you want to buy this mattress or what?

Denise: Oh god, the intruder is still alive. And he has your gun. Bang!

Richard: Ah! [acts like he’s been shot] I’m hit.

Denise: No.

Richard: Goodbye, Denise. I love you.

Denise: You saved me. But I’m so horny. Oh, but my husband is dead. He’s dead in our bed from SleepyTown.

Male voice: SleepyTown, USA, “A bed for wife, a bed for life”.

Celeb School Game Show

Bert Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Trishelle… Punkie Johnson

Ryan… Andrew Dismukes

John Oliver… Mikey Day

Jennifer Coolidge… Chloe Fineman

Adam Driver… James Austin Johnson

Kristen Wiig… Melissa Villaseñor

George Takei… Bowen Yang

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Pete Davidson… Rami Malek

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time for Celeb School with your host Bert Simpson.

[Cut to the show]

Bert Simpson: Hey, folks. I’m Bert Simpson, Bert Simpson. And you know the game. Two contestants try to win $10000 with a help from our classroom of celebs. Playing today are Trishelle and Ryan.

Ryan: Oh, wait. Are we not going to do intro banter?

Bert Simpson: Oh, no. You two are boring. Okay, from “Last Week Tonight”, it’s John Oliver.

John Oliver: Game shows. America’s dirty little obsession. Give me more game shows, daddy. More please.

Bert Simpson: Okay. From “White Lotus”, Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez. Why am I here? I don’t know anything. Gosh!

Bert Simpson: Next, an actor who’s voice sounds like it’s been changed to protect his identity, Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Hello. Excited to be here.

Bert Simpson: Well, you could have fooled me. We’ve also got funny lady Kristen Wiig

Kristen Wiig: Hey. Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Mr. Host man. Ha-ha-ha. Dumb. Why? Why did I say that?

Bert Simpson: Star Trek legend, George Takei.

George Takei: Hello.

Bert Simpson: George, I gotta ask. Are you gonna say it?

George Takei: That depends on how bad you want it.

Bert Simpson: Oh, very bad.

George Takei: Oh, my!

Bert Simpson: There it is! Okay, next to him we have rapper Lil’ Wayne.

Lil’ Wayne: Ahah! I like to vibe out. Weezy!

Bert Simpson: It’s the wrong game, Weezy. Okay, next, the star of “No Time To Die”, Rami Malek. [Rami Malek just stares at the camera] Okay. And finally from SNL, Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Wad up? Wad up? Yo! Do I have to sit next to Rami Malek? I mean his eyes are freaking me out. Like dude! Stop staring at me, man.

Rami Malek: I’m sorry. It’s just that people say we look alike. Maybe. I don’t see it. Maybe if I looked a little longer.

Pete Davidson: No, dude!

Bert Simpson: Okay. Ryan, Trishelle, you know how the game works. I give you a subject and you call on a celebrity student you think will know the answer. Ryna, you’re up first. Your subject is geography.

Ryan: Well, he has an accent and glasses which means he gotta be smart. I call on John Oliver.

Bert Simpson: Alright, John Oliver, Sweden is bordered by Norway and which other country?

John Oliver: Of course, you can’t talk about Sweden without talking about IKEA. [IKEA logo appears on right top corner.] Home of sketchy furniture and even sketchier meatballs. They’re not beef. Bad IKEA. Bad IKEA.

[buzzer sound]

Bert Simpson: John, your rant though amusing contained no answer. And please, no more over the shoulder graphic. Alright, Trishelle, you can steal.

Trishelle: Okay. Well, I’ll call on Jennifer Coolidge.

Jennifer Coolidge: Oh, jeez! Bad choice, sweetheart. Ah! I was in Europe once. I drank too much and passed out in a sauna like a dumb ass. Where was I? Finland?

[right answer bell]

Bert Simpson: That is correct. Trishelle takes the point. [a paper airplane hits Bert Simpson] Ay! You stop with the paper airplanes, Kristen Wiig.

Kristen Wiig: I didn’t throw anything. Ha-ha-ha. Why would you think I threw it?

Bert Simpson: Because you are half giggling and I saw you throw it.

Kristen Wiig: I’m sorry. I was just being weird. Sorry. Ha-ha-ha. I might do it again though. Is that bad?

Bert Simpson: Yes. Okay, Trishelle. Your subject is history.

Trishelle: Well, I don’t think he’ll know the answer because he is definitely high as hell, but I’m a fan. So, I call on Weezy.

Lil’ Wayne: Ha-hah! Yeah. I’d like to solve the puzzle. “What is that big fat ass?”

Bert Simpson: Once again, this is not “Wheel of Fortune”, nor is it “Jeopardy”. Are you ready for the question, Lil’ Wayne? [Lil’ Wayne is gone from his chair] And he’s gone. Does anybody know where he went? Rami Malek, did you see where Wheezy went?

Rami Malek: No. I’ve been staring at Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Argh! Please, make him stop. It’s like the soul of a victorian child is trapped in his eyes.

Bert Simpson: You’re not wrong, Pete. Okay, Trishelle, second choice?

Trishelle: I call on Pete Davidson.

Pete Davidson: Pass!

Bert Simpson: You can’t pass, Pete. Okay, your question. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in your home town, New York City?

Pete Davidson: How would I know that? I mean, I went to school in Staten Island. And all of our classes were to prepare us to be firefighters or racist cops.

George Takei: Oh my!

Bert Simpson: George, you stay out of this. Alright, I need an answer, Pete.

Pete Davidson: I don’t know. I mean, can I just give Trishelle $10000 after the show? I mean, that would be easier.

Bert Simpson: No. Sorry. That’s not how the game works. Okay, Ryan, chance to steal.

Ryan: Okay, let’s go with Adam Driver.

Adam Driver: Good. Yes. Let’s have fun playing the game.

Bert Simpson: Adam. Which revolutionary war battle was fought in New York City?

Adam Driver: I don’t know. So, I’m not gonna answer the question.

Bert Simpson: Hey, calm down! Any of our other celebs think they know? George Takei has his hand up. You got an answer?

George Takei: No. I have a question. Why did William Shatner get to go to space and not me? Let Sulu go to the moon.

Bert Simpson: Sorry, it’s not up to me, George. And not that anyone cares, but the answer is the Battle of Brooklyn. Brooklyn.

[Lil’ Wayne walking in front of camera]

Lil’ Wayne: Yo, where did the plane go at?

Bert Simpson: That is “Price is Right”, Weezy. Okay, we’re gonna take a quick commercial break. Keep it right here. Ay, get back to your seat, Weezy.

Bug Assembly

Carter… Kenan Thompson

Maya… Heidi Gardner

Kev… Andrew Dismukes

Daisy… Sarah Sherman

Johnny… Rami Malek

Russel… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Carter and Maya at the podium during the school assembly]

Carter: Okay, hello everyone. I am Principle Carter. It’s a big day here at Weymouth Middle School, the bug assembly. Mrs. Maya’s class will present their bugs to their entire student body.

Maya: And they are excited. Sort of like, Burning Man for the weird kids.

Carter: So, without further due, bugs.

[There are four students wearing bugs costumes at the stage]

Kev: I’m a preying mantis, but not religious. I prey on pests in the garden.

Daisy: I’m a ladybug. I have up to 20 spots and that’s a lot!

Johnny: I’m a stinkbug. My nasty odor protects me from predators.

Russel: And I am daddy long legs. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

[cheers and applause]

Carter: Great! Well, your costumes all look terrific. Looking forward to learning more.

Maya: Let’s hear about your diets.

Johnny: I eat weeds and grasses but not the kind you’re thinking. Don’t get me in trouble.

Daisy: I eat bugs and in my life, I can eat up to 5,000, and that’s a lot.

Russel: And what does daddy long legs eat? Boys, boys, boys. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Carter: Okay. Russel…

Russel: Call me daddy.

Carter: Okay, daddy, I appreciate the creativity but I’d love to know some more about your insect.

Russel: Well, it’s all in the name. I’m a father and my legs go on for weeks.

Maya: Okay, and daddy–
Russel: I don’t want that from you.

Maya: Okay, Russel, can you say any science facts about yourself?

Russel: Sure. I’m hot, I party and I walk into the room and I’m respected. No more questions. [Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Maya: Okay. Russel, you looked like you were about to do a death drop but then you stopped.

Russel: I got scared. I’ve only done it once. I didn’t want my ass to split open in front of the judges.

Maya: There are no judges.

Carter: Yeah. [asking Maya] What is this kid’s deal?

Maya: Well, his dad’s an exect at Bravo. His other dad’s republican. And honestly, this is the first time I’ve ever heard him speak.

Carter: Got it. Got it.

Johnny: I gotta say, this feels kind of unfair. He’s named after his legs and I’m named after stink.

Kev: Honestly, Johnny, out of all the seventh grade boys, you smell really good.

Johnny: Thanks Kev.

Daisy: Also, I could have sworn Russel was assigned cockroach.

Russel: It wasn’t a fit.

Maya: Okay guys, let’s stay on track. Do you bugs have any questions for each other?

Kev: I do. How does the daddy long legs trap its prey?

Russel: I slam my credit card and say, “Daddy’s got it.”

Daisy: Well, why isn’t there mommy long legs?

Russel: [yelling] Shut the hell up. Get her out of here now. I’m going to freak out.

Maya: Okay. Daisy, take a time out.

Russel: I’m gonna scare you in the shower later bitch.

Carter: Alright. Let’s just relax and move on. One of the cool things about today is that we can see how different bugs interact. Since you’re such an artistic bunch, let’s see how daddy long legs and stinkbug might exist in nature. And go.

Johnny: Hi, Mr. Long legs. I’m a stinkbug.

Russel: It’s been a while. [sad music playing] You look worse. Who let you in?

Johnny: What?

Russel: No stinkbug. I miss you. I want your stink back in my life. Let’s get remarried.

Carter: Alright! That is enough! Sorry. I guess we let that go on too far. Kind of got lost in it. I mean, the scene was pretty damn good.

Johnny: You know, Russel isn’t the only one here who can do cool stuff, okay? I can too. I have charisma. [stares awkwardly for a moment] Well, my name is stinky and I’m here to say I emit odor in a stinky way. [does the dab]

Russel: Johnny, that was amazing. I don’t know if you know this, but my dad’s an executive at Bravo. We’re getting you a show.

Johnny: Wow, Russel. Really? That’s amazing.

Russel: Yes. And we have to celebrate. All of us, tonight. Book the school bus coz we’re going out. And remember, daddy’s got it!

[Music starts playing. He starts to dance.]

Brutal Marriage Movie

Husband… Rami Malek

Wife… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with peak into husband and wife’s life]

Husband: I work late tonight.

Wife: You work late every night.

[Husband looks down and walks out]

Male voice: From a producer of “Marriage Story”.

[Husband and Wife are in bed]

Husband: Hey.

Wife: Hey.

Male voice: And the studio that brought you scenes from a marriage, and the stunt team from Blue Valentine.

[Wife is cutting vegetables. Husband tries to comfort her.]

Husband: Let me–

Wife: Don’t! [Accidentally cuts her finger a bit]

Husband: I’m sorry.

Wife: You’re always sorry, Nate. [walks away]

Male voice: Comes another film that shows you what a bummer it is to share your life with another person. “Brutal Marriage Movie”. Featuring two actors who fully expect Oscars. Really chewing on it. I mean, really chewing on it.

[Husband gets back home]

Husband: Claire, I’m sorry.

Wife: Ezra has one tumbling recital a year. One. And you can’t even–

Husband: I had a heart attack.

Wife: I can’t!

Male voice: Just two straight people with their straight little problems.

[They’re having dinner with friends]

Bowen: I feel like sex in your 30s is better.

Punkie: Way better.

Husband: Yeah, sex is fire.

[Husband puts his hand on Wife’s thigh. Wife slaps his hand off.]

Male voice: And their hands tell the truth. Starring a woman who loves to drink wine and dance around. A man who loves to get petted. And never forget, the therapist will be black.

[Husband and Wife is with their therapist]

Wife: My life is here.

Husband: And my life is there.

Therapist: So, break up?

Wife: No. No. We just want to fight a little more until we fall in love again.

Male voice: Married people across America are asking. “Is this for us? Because we don’t want it.” “Went to the movies, saw a damn play.” “I kept watching, mostly because I heard you see the actors [bleep]. Meh!” From a director going through a divorce himself, and now he gets to decide what happened.

Son: I wanna live with daddy. He’s such a good man.

Wife: You’re right.

Male voice: With all the moments you love. Man doesn’t hit woman, but breaks something close to her. Very, very quiet, then all of a sudden loud.

[Husband holds Wife]

Husband: [soft voice] You look beautiful in this light.

Wife: [screaming] You’re suffocating me.

Male voice: And insane sex scene that’s only close up from the actors’ faces. And they cry again. “Brutal Marriage Movie”, just get a divorce.

Angelo

Lance… Daniel Craig

Cecily Strong

Angelo… Aristotle Athari

Todd… Rami Malek

[Starts with Lance and Cecily sitting at a table to watch a show by Angelo]

Cecily: I can’t believe we’re here. My friends have been trying to get tickets or months. How did you get them?

Lance: Well, let’s just say, baby, I know the right people and I spent a ridiculously large amount of money on this.

Cecily: Well, however you did it, you made my year. I can’t believe we’re gonna see Angelo.

Lance: Yeah. I’ve never heard of him, but I know you’re dying to see him. So, let’s just–

Cecily: Because he’s amazing. The review in the Times said “He takes you on his spectacular musical journey”. Apparently, like, all he needs is one word and songs just flow out of him.

Lance: Right. One word?

Male voice: Ladies and gentlemen, international singing sensation, Angelo.

[Angelo is sitting legs crossed on a stool on stage]

Angelo: Hello, everybody. Can I get a one word please.

Cecily: [to Lance] Go ahead, Lance.

Lance: Oh, okay. Um, bicycle.

Angelo: Say for me?

Lance: Bicycle.

Angelo: Um, say– Say for me?

Lance: [slowly and loudly] Bicycle.

Angelo: Bar-far-bas. [music starts playing]

[singing] If I lie to me like this
[gibberish] like that
if I ever said [gibberish] tonight

Thank you for this.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: I mean, can you believer he just created that beautiful song on the spot?

Lance: I guess. I mean, I didn’t hear him singing about bicycles but–

Cecily: Shh! Here we go.

Angelo: Can I get another word please?

Cecily: Go ahead, Lance, do it.

Lance: What? Me again?

Cecily: He has one. Yeah.

Lance: Okay. Let’s see. Um, a banana.

Angelo: Say for me?

Lance: Banana.

Angelo: Say– Say for me?

Lance: [slowly and loudly] Banana.

Angelo: Barfa-bala-vas.

Lance: No. That’s not what I said.

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like that for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say that like this for me tonight

Thank you so much for this.

[cheers and applause]

Lance: So, is this always what he does?

Cecily: I know. It’s amazing. Right?

Lance: I mean, I can’t really understand him.

Cecily: Because he’s not from this country, Lance.

Lance: Well, I’m not from this country and you understand me.

Cecily: No, I don’t.

Angelo: And now I bring dance for this.

[A guy awkwardly walks in]

Cecily: Oh my god, it’s Todd.

Lance: Who’s Todd?

Cecily: I read about him. He’s what’s next in dance.

Lance: Uh-huh.

[Angelo and Todd awkwardly talking to each other]

Angelo: Tell them to get one word for dance.

Todd: Yes. Yes. Just one word.

Angelo: Please.

Todd: One word.

[Cecily is looking at Lance]

Lance: Me again? Um, alright. Um, road trip.

Angelo and Todd: Say for us?

Lance: Road trip.

Angelo and Todd: Say for us?

Lance: Oh, come on! [shouting] Road trip!

Angelo and Todd: Ros-Paresca.

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing like to sing this for me
another lie [gibberish]
if I ever say to me like that tonight

Dance please.

[Todd is just awkwardly moving right and left]

Thank you for this.

[cheers and applause]

Cecily: Tell me. Angelo and Todd on our first night. All the stars have aligned for us.

Lance: Are you sure? I mean, Todd seems a little bit nervous.

Cecily: Lance, they’re telling their story.

Lance: Right! Right!

Cecily: It’s about coming here from a war torn country.

Lance: Where are you getting that? I didn’t get anything. What country?

Angelo: Country, um, Marca-ka-pa-be-sa.

Lance: Alright, you know, that’s not a real place.

Cecily: Hey, we talked about this.

Lance: Alright.

Cecily: We need to go into the new situations with an open heart.

Lance: Yeah, I’m trying. I’m just, you know.

Angelo: Another word for once.

Todd: One word.

Lance: Alright. You know what? Fine. Fine! Fine! Try this. Mesothelioma.

Angelo and Todd: Mesothelioma.

Lance: Well, I– Yeah, they got it. That’s quite impressive I suppose.

Cecily: Why? Why is that impressive, Lance?

Lance: Well, I–

[Todd has two ribbons on his both arms now]

Angelo: [singing] If I ever sing lie to me in this life [gibberish]
if I never say like this night tonight

Lance: Wow, now he’s got ribbons. Ribbons. That’s– I mean, that’s beautiful with the ribbons.

Angelo: [singing] I wanna know what love is

Angelo and Todd: I want you to show me [gibberish]

Lance: That’s good. That’s good. Ladies and gentlemen, Angelo and Todd.

Family Feud: Oscar Nominees | Season 44 Episode 13

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Spike Lee… Don Cheadle

Glenn Close… Kate McKinnon

Sam Elliot… Beck Bennett

Olivia Colman… Cecily Strong

Lady Gaga… Melissa Villaseñor

Bradley Cooper… Kyle Mooney

Rami Malek… Pete Davidson

Mahershala Ali…Chris Redd

[Starts with Celebrity Family Feud intro with celebrities in the program set.]

Narrator: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve walks in the set]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay. Now, welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Oscar Nominees. I never won an Oscar. I do got an EGOT, as in he got a lot of buttons on this jacket. All our contestants today is up for Oscars. We got film veterans [Cut to team Veterams, who are Spike lee, Glenn Close, Sam Eliott and Olivia Colman] versus movie newbies [Cut to team Newbies, who are Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, Rami Malek and Mahershala Ali].

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

All right. We were gonna do a team of all black woman nominees, but Regina King is on vacation. On the veteran side, he’s nominated for director of “BlacKkKlansman”, Mr. Spike Lee.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Brooklyn in the house.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You think you’re going to win, Spike?

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Come on, Steve, I bought season tickets to the New York Knicks every year for the past 25 years. You think I like winning?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh snap. You funny. You like a little Black Leprechaun. All right, next from “The Wife” is Glenn Close.

[Cut to Blenn Close]

Glenn Close: Don’t you touch me. You come here week after week with your lies and cheap suits. Pitting family against family. Well, guess what, Steve. I’m tired of feuding. I’m tired. I’m kidding. I’m very well. Thank you.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: That was weird. I think you trying to get an Oscar for best performance on a game show. All right. Next, he is nominated for “A Star is Born”, Mr. Sam Elliott.

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Real nice to be here Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, what you going do if you win that Oscar Sam?

[Cut to Sam Elliott]

Sam Elliott: Well, I’ll probably sell it and get my necks fixed. Damn thing won’t stand up right.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like a barbecue sauce commercial came to life. And from the movie “The Favor You Like” is some lady named Olivia Coleman.

[Cut to Olivia Coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Hi, actually “The Favorite”. It’s British. I’m Olivia. A very celebrated English actress. Played two queens– I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed at the moment. I’ve been celebrating my two Golden Globes. None of you know who the hell I am. I can do or say whatever I want. So I really love it. Oh, whee!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you are cheeky little crumpet. All right. Let’s go to the newbie side. She’s a singer nominated for best actress and she was named by a baby. It’s Lady Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: Thank you. It is such an honor to be on the feud. If 99 people are surveyed, you just need one person to believe in you to win the game.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, I don’t think that’s how it works.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: It works if you dream it. [Starts singing]

[Bradley Cooper joins Lady Gaga]

Bradley Cooper: Isn’t she great?

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Bradley Cooper. What you doing on the newbie side?

[Cut to Bradley Cooper and Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: He has to be with me. It’s a rule.

Bradley Cooper: I saw this woman at the Superbowl halftime show and had this wild idea. I thought, maybe she could play a singer.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you thinking outside the box. All right. Next, he’s nominated for “Bohemian Rhapsody”. Mr. Rami Malek. [Cut to Rami Malek. Rami has no expression.] Congratulations, Rami.

Rami Malek: Thanks. I’m so surprised.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you look surprised, player. Your eyeballs look like they ‘bout to make a run for it. And finally, he’s nominated for the ‘Green Book’, it’s Mahershala Ali.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: Wonderful to be here.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I got a question about the last scene in your movie where the white guy teaches the black guy how to eat fried chicken.

[Cut to Mahershala Ali]

Mahershala Ali: That wasn’t the last scene Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: It was for me. Let’s get two players up here. Let’s go.

[Lady Gaga and Spike Lee walks to the buzzer to start the game]

Lady Gaga: Spike, I adore your films. I’d love to be in one sometime.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: Oh, that’s so nice. No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed. Top six answers on the board. Everybody gotta look their best for the Oscars. Name something you do when you want to look sexy. [Lady Gaga hits the buzzer first] [Beeping] Gaga.

[Cut to Lady Gaga]

Lady Gaga: I feel sexy when I’m on stage and I make the face of a lion that’s about to pounce. Like this.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Hmm, okay. Show me stroke face. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Not up there. Spike, you gotta answer.

[Cut to Spike Lee]

Spike Lee: If I want to do sexy, I put on a romantic movie.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Oh, that’s nice. Like what?

Spike Lee: “Roots”.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me getting freaky to the wrong stuff. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing]Oh, it’s up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Lady Gaga and Spike Lee] Number three answer. All right. Y’all got the board. [Cut to team Steve Harvey and team Veterans] Okay, Glen Close, something you do when you want to feel sexy.

Glenn Close: Don’t touch me. [Cut to Glenn Close] You want to know what’s sexy? A woman in her prime. A woman who has stories written in the lines of her face. You look right passed me. Don’t you? Well, one day you’re gonna look up and I will be long gone. I’m just kidding. Lingerie, maybe?

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay, show me queuing up the scenery. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not there. I’m sorry. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] Sam Elliott, something you do to feel sexy.

Sam Elliott:  Well, [Cut to Sam Elliott] I can’t really say. Maybe I’ll put on a clean barn jacket and comb mustache.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: You know, I never thought that I would be intrigued by another man mustache, but that thing is a specimen. I’ll admit it. I have mustache envy. Show me bringing the white heat. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, it’s not up there. [Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee] All right. That’s two strikes. Let’s be a little careful. One more, the other team gets a chance to steal. Let’s go Olivia. Something that you do to feel sexy.

[Cut to Olivia coleman]

Olivia Coleman: Well, I am English. I suppose what’s sexy to us is a good cup of tea, flirty but polite answer and a couple of fingers in the bum. I’m sorry. I’m a bit pissed.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Olivia Coleman, Sam Elliott, Glenn Close and Spike Lee]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me Mary Poppins stopping that nonsense. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is wrong] [Buzzer] Oh, not there either. All right. Oscar newbies, [Cut to Stever Harvey and team Oscar Newbies] you got a chance to steal. Give me some answers.

Mahershala Ali: Be real.

Bradley Cooper: Be Bradley Cooper?

Steve Harvey: All right, Gaga. You’re the team leader. [Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga] What do you do to feel sexy?

Lady Gaga: You know, it’s weird Steve. [Cut to Lady Gaga] I didn’t truly feel sexy until I started making music, then suddenly, I was selling records and dating all the time. I was like some miracle happened, I don’t know.

[Cut to Steve Harvey and Lady Gaga]

Steve Harvey: Well, I think I do. Show me, she got rich. [Cut to the board that shows the answer is right] [Ringing] Number one answer. [Cut to Steve Harvey] All right. Yeah, turn me into a sex symbol too. Let’s take a break. I gotta find me some extra security because I think Monique’s waiting for me in the parking lot. We’ll be right back.