Aidy Bryant
Phil…Kenan Thompson
Melissa Villaseñor
Dierdre… Heidi Gardner
Raynolds… James McAvoy
Beck Bennett
Waitress… Ego Nwodim
[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John are sitting in a restaurant]
Aidy: It’s almost one o’clock. I don’t think they’re coming.
Phil: Should we just call it a night?
[Cut to Melissa and John]
Melissa: Whatever, let’s just go.
Dierdre: Hey.
[Cut to everyone. Dierdre and Raynolds arrive.]
Raynolds: Hello, my sexies.
John: Dierdre, Raynolds. We’ve been waiting for hours.
[Dierdre and Raynolds arrive take seats]
Dierdre: Sorry we’re moving so slow. [Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds] We just got back from N’orleans.
Raynolds: You know, like a gator down bourbon street.
Dierdre: Blame N’orleans.
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: No. N’orleans, no.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: When you’ve been in N’orleans, the slow gets inside you and it sticks to your bum
Raynolds: Like N’orleans molasses.
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: I grew up in New Orleans and I’ve never heard of N’orleans molasses.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: Have you all been to N’orleans?
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Aidy: He just said he was from there.
Phil: Yeah, you were there for two days.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: Oh my god, you got to go to N’orleans. It is filled with juice and jazz and trumpets and tiny tiny little cry-daddies.
Raynolds: You put pass in the swamp and that’s N’orleans in a nutshell baby.
[Cut to everyone]
John: Can we get the check?
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Raynolds: Even the mosquitos, they shed shay through the N’orleans air.
Dierdre: And when they bite you, you don’t go ‘ow’, you go ‘OH!’
[Cut to Melissa and John]
Melissa: Is that true Phil?
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: No. Not at all. They’re just mosquitoes. When they bite you, you say ‘Ow’, not ‘Óh’.
[Cut to Melissa and John]
Melissa: Deirdre, I’ve already told these guys, but John and I are expecting a child.
[Cut to everyone]
Dierdre: Oh, that’s nice. [Not caring about the news] Hey, sexy, why don’t you tell them the story.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Raynolds: Which one baby? The one about N’orleans?
Dierdre: Yeah, the N’orleans one, okay. How we went to an authentic N’orleans voodoo ceremony?
Raynolds: Okay. Kit-kat. So check this. We’re just shuffling down bourbon street to the temple of the city when this red-headed woman beged us to follow her down a dark alley.
Dierdre: And she was completely topless. Her boobs swung wide. One pointing east, one pointing straight up.
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: Up? Straight up?
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: Very nice. Anyways, she goes like this. And you know, this in N’orleans means the same as this does in America.
[Cut to Melissa and John]
John: New Orleans is in America. We’re in America right now.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Raynolds: Barely, baby. N’orleans is it’s own bag, Jack.
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: No, no, no, no. That’s got to stop now.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: So we follow this voodoo priestess to the ritual area at the back of an alley.
Raynolds: Soon we were completely surrounded by a group of N’orwilians who made us place all of our valuables into a ceremonial bag.
Dierdre: It looks like one of those American bags you put trash in.
[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]
Aidy: A trash bag?
Dierdre and Raynolds: : No. A ceremonial sack.
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: So, this ceremony required your jewelry, watches and money?
Raynolds: Correct-o-mundo papa.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: Yeah. If you’d ever been to N’orleans, you’d be familiar.
[Cut to Aidy and Phil]
Phil: I lived there.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Raynolds: Then you must have had the jumbo.
[Cut to Aidy, Phill, Dierdre and Raynolds]
Aidy: Jumbo?
Raynolds: Sorry. I mean the Gumbolaya.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Dierdre: Okay, anyway. We knew it was an authentic voodoo ritual, because when we finally came to, everyone and everything disappeared.
[Cut to Melissa and John]
John: So in a nutshell, you were being gross around New Orleans. Then you were robbed by some junkies, got hit over the head and woke up after they ran away.
[Cut to Dierdre and Raynolds]
Raynolds: Authentic N’orleans magic, baby.
Dierdre and Raynolds: The true N’orleans born and raised experience.
[Cut to Melissa and John]
Melissa: OH, Uber’s here.
[Cut to everyone.]
Phil: Yeah, our friendship has been terminated.
[Aidy, Phil, Melissa and John stand up and leave]
[A waitress walks]
Dierdre: Oh, excuse me. Do you have those little N’orleans fans?
Waitress: No.