Tag: Rebecca

Blue River

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Jenny… Heidi Gardner

Daniel… John Mulaney

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rebecca and Jenny bumping into each other at a grocery store at pet section]

Rebecca: Oh! Sorry. Jenny!

Jenny: Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we’re both buying dog food today.

Rebecca: Well, not really. I’m buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name dog food you’re buying?

Jenny: They seem fine to me.

Rebecca: Really? Okay. Well, then, why don’t you read them out loud? In front of your dog?

Jenny: Okay. Corn, chicken, corn gluten meal.

Rebecca: Sorry, what is that? [mocking] Corn gluten meal?

Jenny: No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

Rebecca: It’s not $80. It’s $73.99. It’s actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?

Jenny: No, it’s not.

Rebecca: Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

Jenny: Correct. Correct.

Rebecca: Yeah, right.

Jenny: I should be going okay.

[Jenny tries to leave, but Rebecca keeps her holding]

Rebecca: 28. 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month, it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly. I guess I wouldn’t be like bragging about all the savings because it’s actually not as much as you think.

Jenny: No! That math doesn’t make sense.

Rebecca: Oh, you don’t think so? Why don’t we ask my husband? Daniel!

Jenny: Oh my god! I don’t care.

[Daniel walks in. He looks at Jenny’s dog food and looks disappointed]

Daniel: Oh my god. You’re not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

Jenny: She likes it, okay? And I’m saving money.

Daniel: 32 cents a day monthly? That’s worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

[Jenny’s dog is a pug. She has kept her dog on her grocery stroller cart.]

[sad music playing]

Rebecca: [being emotional] Oh my god. That’s why the dog’s been in the stupid cart. It can’t walk because of the food. The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time, but I wasn’t even ready to show that to myself to show me that.

Jenny: Okay, look, she can walk.

Daniel: [yelling] People like you should be hung in a public square. [looking at Rebecca] Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

Rebecca: [sobbing] I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?

Daniel: You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther. Look at prime time. Look at Wantan. Look at Alexander. You always, always have been their advocates and their voice more than anyone, anyone who’s ever lived.

Rebecca: I know. I know. But it’s like it’s too late. I mean, the dog can’t walk. It’s just sitting there humiliated.

Daniel: He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God. Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.

Jenny: Fine! Felicity What do you want?

[Rebecca goes to Jenny’s back and whispers in her hear]

Rebecca: I want Blue River dog food, mommy.  Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy. I wanna walk. It’s only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don’t want a corn gluten meal. Listen.

[Chloe walks in looking at Jenny]

Chloe: Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It’s not too late.

Jenny: Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay? [She puts in the Blue River dog food] May I go now please?

Daniel: Definitely.

Rebecca: God, we just saved that dog’s life.

Daniel: Not we. You. And you know what else? I think I’m ready to do it. I think I’m finally ready to make love to you.

Rebecca: What? It’s working?

Daniel:  If this is what I think it is, it’s working.

Rebecca: Everyone! He says it’s working.

[Everyone is cheering for them]

Chloe: Congratulations.

Rebecca: We’ll go really slow.

Daniel: Thank you.

Male voice: Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.

What’s Wrong with This Picture 2021

Elliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

William… Chris Redd

Sandra… Carey Mulligan

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play ‘What’s wrong with this picture’. Now, here’s your half vaccinated host, it’s Elliott Pants.

[Cut to the show]

Elliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I am your host Elliott Pants. And don’t tell people I only got my first shot. That’s my business. Anyway, welcome to the show. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of KY jam. You tired of the jelly? Upgrade to KY jam. Alright. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Does a bear spit in the woods?

Elliott Pants: Spit? I don’t think so. No. Next up is William. How are you doing?

William: Not much.

Elliott Pants: You happy with that answer? [William nods his head yes] Already worried about this group. Alright, how about you, Sandra. Are you ready to play?

Sandra: Yes, my kind.

Elliott Pants: Not a fan of that. Alright, let’s just take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a cartoon picture of a woman sitting on a chair at a doctor’s office. She’s holding a baby. The clock has A-B-C-D instead of Elliott Pants-Rebecca-William-Sandra.] Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Rebecca: I got it.

Elliott Pants: Rebecca.

Rebecca: Her husband is bald and way too small.

Elliott Pants: That’s not her husband. That is a baby.

Rebecca: Well, agree to mis-agree.

Sandra: The mother only has one leg, so the baby flew out no problem.

Elliott Pants: Excuse me?

Sandra: Also, the doctor’s prank worked. He told her to wear a condom like a hat and now she has a baby.

Elliott Pants: No. William.

William: She wants to pick up the hitchhiker but her car is a bed.

Elliott Pants: That’s not a hitchhiker. That is a doctor.

William: Then why is his thumb out? Oh, never mind. I know why. I’ve had that done before.

Elliott Pants: Not even close. It has something to do with time.

Rebecca: Oh, the baby has been out for an hour but the doctor won’t stop explaining Wandavision.

Elliott Pants: Oh my god. Look at the doctor’s clock.

William: This robe is covering it.

Elliott Pants: I said clock.

Sandra: Are you mad at us?

Elliott Pants: Yes. You know I said clock. And it has letters instead of numbers. Alright, next picture. [There’s a cartoon picture of children playing in a swimming pool. There’s a shark fin in the swimming pool.] Something is very obviously wrong here. What is it? Sandra.

Sandra: I’ve heard it can happen but this is actually the first time I’m seeing. Titty head.

Elliott Pants: that is her bathing cap. Not a titty head.

Sandra: I said I never saw one.

Elliott Pants: Rebecca.

Rebecca: The one in the pink suit said that she was Elliott Pants8 on hinge, but I don’t know. The pig tails are a red flag.

Elliott Pants: Please don’t do that. William, what’s wrong?

William: I’m fine. Do I seem like something’s wrong?

Elliott Pants: With the picture?

William: Oh, there’s no dogs in it. I like dogs.

Elliott Pants: there is a shark in the water right there. Alright, next picture. [There’s a cartoon picture of four kids eating a pizza. There is a glass of milk that is filled top half.] It has something to do with a glass of milk. That’s only full at the top. Rebecca.

Rebecca: Well, that pizza is leftover from a porn set. But good for them for not wasting it. Yum.

Elliott Pants: I’ma talk to you after this.

William: They look like that because the mom just walked in wearing only a thong and heels. “Not bad for a 60 year old woman, Mrs. C.,” They were all being forced to say.

Elliott Pants: Look at the milk.

Sandra: First off, they’re holding the pizza from the side.

Elliott Pants: Okay. That’s something.

Sandra: Also, the boy in the striped shirt will grow up to kill his wife.

Elliott Pants: No. I told you the answer. Alright. Next picture. [There’s a cartoon picture of a person visiting a tombstone. The date on tombstone is 1950-1810.]

William: She just ripped one. After all, the sign told her to.

Elliott Pants: That is a tombstone. It doesn’t say rip one. It says RIP.

Rebecca: I know what it is. I can’t believe actually I didn’t see it. That’s Mrs. Doubtfire and she’s going to keep up her charade even though the whole family is dead.

Elliott Pants: The date says the person died before they were born. Alright, this is your last picture and your last change. [There’s a cartoon picture of a woman getting a haircut. She has long hair in real, but in the mirror, she has a short hair.] Sandra.

Sandra: Oh! The hair cuts don’t match.

[right answer bell]

Elliott Pants: Oh my god! That’s right.

Sandra: And Reggae John is cutting hair now? So, that’s why he left Bridgerton.

Elliott Pants: Okay. That’s it. The KY jam is coming with me because I deserve a good night. Alright, I’m Elliott Pants. Goodbye.

What’s Wrong with This Picture- Mother’s Day Edition

Eliott Pants… Kenan Thompson

Rebecca… Aidy Bryant

Grace… Ego Nwodim

Emily… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with “What’s wrong with this picture” intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play “What’s wrong with this picture?”

[Cut to Eliott Pants at his home]

Eliott Pants: Hey, everybody. I’m your host Eliott Pants and welcome to a very special episode of “What’s wrong with this picture?” That’s right. It’s the Mother’s Day show.

[Three women appear on the screen from the homes.]

All of our contestants today are moms because being a mom is the most important hobby in the world. As always, the rules are simple. All you got to do is look at the picture and tell me what’s wrong with it. The winner gets a lifetime supply of Junx. “Junx. Shapewear for your lowboys.” Wow. Are we ready to play? Rebecca?

Rebecca: Yeah. I left my kind in the other room. So, we’re gonna make it quick. He’s 12 but he’s bad kind of 12.

Eliott Pants: Grace?

Grace: Ready as I’ll ever be, you fool.

Eliott Pants: I’m sorry. Do we know each other? And our last mother is Emily.

Emily: I’m actually not a mother. I’m a grandmother.

Eliott Pants: Well, now, how does that work? These women are making me a little bit nervous. So, let’s take a look at our first puzzle. [There’s a picture of a woman, two kids and a carton of eggs.] Who can tell me what’s wrong with this picture? Something is off in this picture. What could it be?

Grace: I think I know.

Eliott Pants: Oh, go ahead, Grace.

Grace: First of all, she’s too old for bangs. And eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: Really?

Grace: Plus the husband’s too short. They should stack to one big guy.

Eliott Pants: What? No!

Emily: Oh, the shirt comes with boobies. Tell me where they sell those.

Eliott Pants: Come on. Something in the picture is not right.

Rebecca: Yeah. Everyone in the photo is white. That just doesn’t fly these days. One of them needs to be weird.

Eliott Pants: Weird? Okay. Also, it’s not a photo. You know that, right?

Rebecca: Do I?

Eliott Pants: I’ll give you a hint. It has something to do with eggs.

Emily: Oh. Eggs are spelled wrong.

Eliott Pants: We covered that.

Grace: Oh, she laid em. She was surprised but now she’s proud.

Eliott Pants: Oh my god! There are 14 eggs in the carton. Okay? There’s only supposed to be 12 in a dozen.

Emily: Oh. Like my jury.

Eliott Pants: Well, that’s tracks. Alright, here’s your next picture. [There’s a picture of a woman looking at a mirror.] Rebecca.

Rebecca: The glory hole is too high. Now, she knows it’s the neighbor.

Eliott Pants: Where did we get these moms?

Grace: Oh, she’s never seen herself, you know what I mean? Seeing herself. She’s about to take the mirror off the wall and stand over it. Then she’ll know what’s what.

Eliott Pants: You are upsetting me.

Emily: She tied the news too big and now she’s got to start over.

Eliott Pants: The reflection is wearing a necklace. Can you just think? Alright, let’s see the next. [There’s a picture of a man and a woman sitting on tanning chairs by the side of a swimming pool.] Think, then speak. That order.

Grace: Oh, the man just proposed but he used the Apu voice, you know, from the Simpsons.

Eliott Pants: Okay, you are done. You hear me?

Emily: That beach will be gone in five years because of global warming and it’s my fault. I don’t recycle my cans. I just throw them in the street.

Eliott Pants: That is a swimming pool.

Rebecca: I don’t want to be personal, but he’s got one of the smallest ones I’ve ever seen. I mean that thing’s just a little dot.

Eliott Pants: That’s the belly button.

Rebecca: Don’t get offensive.

Grace: Well, I know that it’s not that the pool is frozen.

Eliott Pants: No. [right answer bell] Wait a second. That’s right. You actually got it right.

Grace: And they’re not social distancing coz they know their rights.

Eliott Pants: And they let you all have kids. I am logging off now and I am Lizoling this computer. This has been “What’s wrong with this picture.” I am Eliott Pants. Good bye.

100 days in jungle

Beck Bennett

Nathan… Pete Davidson

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Michael… Taran Killam

Denice… Vanessa Bayer

Joan… Aidy Bryant

Terry… Russell Crowe

[Starts with video clips of jungle]

Male voice: Exhaustion, starvation, dehydration. Who will survive them all to last 100 days in the jungle.

[Cut to Beck briefing the contestants]

Beck: Michael, Rebecca, Nathan. You’ve all made it to day 94. I know it’s been hard and I’m sure you all miss your families.

Michael: Yeah.

Rebecca: So much.

Nathan: A lot.

Beck: Well, you’re in luck because we have a surprise. We’ve flown in a loved one for each of you. And they’re here now. Michael, say hi to your wife of fifteen years, Denice.

[Denice walks in]

Michael: Denice? Denice, oh my god! [kissing] Oh, I missed you. How are our kids?

Denice: Oh, they’re good. They’re rooting for their daddy.

Beck: Rebecca, say hi to your mom, Joan.

[Joan walks in]

Rebecca: Mommy! Oh my god! You’re here.

Joan: I am here. [hugging] I love you sweetheart.

Beck: And finally, Nathan, say hi to your uncle’s friend, Terry.

[Nathan losing his smile]

Nathan: Who?

[Terry comes in]

Terry: Hey buddy. It’s me. Your uncle’s friend, Terry. Ha-ha. Hey buddy. Ay! Ay! Remember me? Yeah, you do. Come on! We used to live in a tent in your uncle’s backyard. Come on.

Nathan: Oh, right. Hey man, I’m sorry but where’s my parents?

Beck: They had a thing and couldn’t move it. But Nathan, how does it feel to see your uncle’s friend, Terry?

Nathan: Um, kind of weird. Like, we’ve only met a couple of times. And one year we had Christmas at my uncle’s and Terry made us all go outside and watch him drink a two liter bottle of Sprite outside the house.

Terry: Oh, everyone was saying, [hooting] “Terry! Terry! Terry!” Best day of my life, buddy, buddy boy.

Nathan: Only you were chanting that.

Beck: Michael and Rebecca, how are you feeling? You look so shocked to see your family.

Michael: Oh, my god. I am so shocked.

Rebecca: You have no idea. It’s crazy.

Nathan: Um, I’m probably the most shocked. Jus coz like I have seven brothers and sisters, also a girlfriend of three years and none of them could be here?

Beck: Unfortunately, no. They are not here. But your uncle’s friend Terry is. And as an added surprise, Thanks to the new Sony 4K UltraHD TV, you get to say hello to more loved ones.

[someone brings in a TV]

Take a look.

[Michael’s children appear on the TV]

Children: We miss you, daddy.

Michael: Oh, I miss them so much. Hi Noah. Hi Emily. [kisses]

[Rebecca’s dad appears on the TV holding a dog]

Dad: Hi, Becky. My love is with you. Hi.

Rebecca: Wow, dad and Milo. I love you guys.

[Leslie appears on the TV]

Leslie: [Crying] Terry, it’s me. I need you. I messed up. I messed up real bad. If you don’t come home, I’ma kill myself.

Terry: Hey, baby. How are ya?

Nathan: Who is that?

Terry: It’s a girl I’m seeing. She steals credit cards for living. Hey, baby!

Beck: And now, one final twist. Your loved ones aren’t here just for fun. They’re here because today is a reward challenge and they will be competing on your behalf. How do you feel about that?

Michael: Absolutely great. My wife is the strongest woman I know.

Rebecca: My mom is my rock. She can do anything.

Nathan: Well, my uncle’s friend Terry once took me to see basic instincts, and during the whole middle part, he kept hitting my leg and said, “Here it comes.”

Terry: Damn right I did. That was the day you became a man.

Nathan: I was five.

[Someone brings in a table. There are three baskets on the table.]

Beck: Today’s competition is eating challenge. In front of each of your loved ones is a jungle delicacy. Whoever can eat their’s the fastest wins a reward for their loved one.

Nathan: Yeah. Can you stop saying loved one?

Beck: Denice, you have a cow’s tongue.

Denice: Oh, my god. I can’t eat that.

Michael: No, come on baby. You can do it.

Beck: Joan, you have a pig’s liver.

Joan: Oh, I think I’m gonna be sick.

Rebecca: Mom, you’ve got this.

Beck: And Nathan’s uncle’s friend Terry, you have a duck’s vagina.

Terry: Hell yeah player!

Beck: Oh your mark!

[Terry just picks the item up and eats it and starts dancing.]

Oh, wow! That was much quicker than we expected. Terry, you win. Nathan, you gotta be proud of your uncle’s friend Terry.

Nathan: I wouldn’t say proud. I mean, he just yelled, “Oh, hell yeah player!” and ate a duck vagina on TV.

Terry: [celebrating] Duck vagina.

Beck: Well, as today’s winners, you and your uncle’s friend Terry win a four course meal and a massage for two.

Terry: Oh, no, no. Can’t do that. I can’t do. I got stitches all over my back. Horse bit me.

Nathan: On your back? What is your life?

Beck: We’ll be right back on 100 days in the jungle.

[The End]

Mr. Tumnus | Season 44 Episode 11

Mr. Tumnus… James McAvoy

Christine… Cecily Strong

Tova… Aidy Bryant

Rebecca… Kate McKinnon

Edmond… Alex Moffat

[Starts with intro of the show]

Narrator: And now the chronicles of Narnia, return to Narnia.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus playing flute in his house]

[Door knocks]

Mr. Tumnus: Oh, my goodness, who could that be?

[Mr. Tumnus walks to the door and opens it] [There’s Christine outside the door]

Christine: Oh, my god, Mr. Tumnus, is this real? I’m in freaking Narnia meeting Mr. Tumnus.

[Christine slowly walks in]

Mr. Tumnus: Surprise visitor. Very nice. Please sit.

Christine: Okay, this is happening.

Mr. Tumnus: I’m sorry. Have we met before?

[Mr. Tumnus and Christine both sit down]

Christine: No. I mean yes. Okay. Re-do. [Cut to Christine] Hi, I’m Christine. Big fan. I’m staying at an Air B&B and I guess I went through wardrobe and I walked for five hours until I found you. Mr. Tumnus, I watched “The lion, the witch and the wardrobe” in the seventh grade and you’ve become my Back Street boy.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: I see. I was your girlhood crush, correct? Let me guess, it was my nonthreatening masculinity. I’m sort of jacked but still, in a little bit of a British way.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus]

Christine: Yes. I would draw you and I would take liberties. Does that make sense?

Mr. Tumnus: Yes. That tracks, actually. So, tell me about yourself.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, I run a tea shop that sells vaginal teas. But not my career. Look at your hairy legs. [Cut to Christine and Mr. Tumnus] Who are you? Me? Because I stopped trying years ago? This is going well, I can tell.

[The door knocks] [Mr. Tumnus stands and walks towards the door]

Tova: Christine? Christine?

Mr. Tumnus: Someone’s at the door. They must be looking for you Christine.

[Mr. Tumnus opens the door. Tova and Rebecca walk in.]

Tova: Oh, my god.

Rebecca: Hang on. It’s like, him.

Tova: The Tumnus.

Mr. Tumnus: Friends of your’s, Christine?

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Oh, Mr. Tumnus. I’m Tova.

Rebecca: And I’m Rebecca’s, with, and I just say like, congrats on this.

Mr. Tumnus: Well, would you like to join your friend?

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: Wait, wait, wait, up guys are into Tumnus too?

Tova: Oh, full body, yes.

Mr. Tumnus: Christine, don’t be so surprised. [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] You see, hundreds of your kind that visit me here every year, because I suppose in a way  I’ve become an unlikely sex symbol for a very specific sort of woman. Sort of a lazy hermine if you will.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Tova: Oh yes. That is us to a “T”.

Rebecca: Frizzy hair, no cell.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: And to you, I am the perfect combination of man, animal, scarf and flute music.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Okay, I feel seen.

Tova: So, how we do this? All at once? One at a time?

Rebecca: This might be too forward but like, Mr. Tumnus, I want to put my thumbnus in your bumnus.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Please tell me, what brought you to England in the first place.

[Cut to Tova and Rebecca]

Tova: Well, we all love old wet history. So we’re doing a girls trip, one last before we all freeze our eggs.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Oh, but I’m not freezing mine because I have to. It’s because I want to. We can try and you wouldn’t have to take care of it, but — Christine shut up– I’m sorry. I might be in a lot right now, today I’ll cry.

[Cut to everybody]

Mr. Tumnus: No, seriously, you are lovely [Cut to Mr. Tumnus] but if that is what you truly desire, I must break it to you, that I’m not human.

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Rebecca: Yes, we know, and that’s what we like. Mama wants a boyfriend she can pet.

Tova: So goat peeing, what does that look like? I can google it but I’m very scared.

[Cut to Mr. Tumnus]

Mr. Tumnus: Ladies, ladies, you flatter me with your persistence, but please, I must let you know that I am in fact spoken for. Edmond? Oh, Eddo.

[Cut to everybody] [Edmond walks in]

Edmond: Ah, yes? Does my Tum tum want more Turkish delights?

[Cut to Tova, Rebecca and Christine]

Christine: Oh, my god, he’s gay. No wonder he’s my type.

Tova: And this is officially a pattern for me.

[Cut to Edmond]

Edmond: Would you like to stay for dinner? We’re having shakshouka.

[Cut to everybody] [Ladies stand up and leave]

Christine: No, no, no, no. It’s okay. Just cherish each other, okay.

Rebecca: Gals, let’s find ourselves a rebound. Neville longbottom?

Tova: Yes, Neville was the hot one.

Narrator: This has been “The Chronicles of Narnia”

[Ends with an outro]