Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]Well, with all the complex issues facing America right now, president Trump decided to relax and solve the much simple problem, the middle east. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week and you’re not gonna believe this, but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the response. He made the announcement and then he just flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion. [Picture changes to Donald Trump walking in front of explosions like in the action movies.] [Picture changes to Donald Trump and Mahmoud Abbas]
Then Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas warned Trump in a phone call that the move would result in dangerous consequences. And it didn’t help. Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas Merry Christmas and asking for extra falafel.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]Michael Che: [laughing] Um, look. I don’t know why anybody would try to take sides on middle east conflict unless they’re actually from the middle east. It’s like watching the girlfriend’s parents’ fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, “Yeah, I hear you.” I don’t know nothing about the middle east. I have one Palestinian friend and every time I ask him about the middle east, he says, “Che, I’m Pakistani.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump giving speech at left top corner.]Colin Jost: After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday, the White House announced that he would undergo a physical exam early next year and the results will be made public. Which sounds great. But I have to ask, will Dr. Muppet be doing it? [Picture changes to Harold Bernstein] Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ludes coma first.
[Picture changes to Donald Trump]Also, I’m not really concerned about Trump getting a physical examination. I’m more concerned about some of the mental things that might be happening. Things that make him say things like this.
[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]Donald Trump: Because these massive tax cuts, we’ll be rocket fuel– [Donald Trump turns around, shakes his head and finger] Little rocket man.
[Cut to Colin Jost]Colin Jost: Now, I’m no doctor, but then again, neither is this guy. [picture changes to Harold Bernstein] [Picture changes to United States Capitol]
Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shutdown this weekend. So for now, a government shutdown is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.
[audience laughing]Then you’ll like this. Three members of congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means. Time to open three more doors on our sexual harassment themed Advent Calendar.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Al Franken at right top corner.]Michael Che: Senator Al Franken announces resignation this week in the wake of sexual harassment allegations. And yet, [Picture of a newspaper article that says “Moore ahead by 4 points”] uncle bad touch is up 4 points in Alabama. You see, the democrats hold themselves to a highest standard than anyone else. Which is why they always lose. It’s the same reason that Harvard football team sucks, because you also got to be a rocket scientist to play there. But to play for Alabama, you just got to be able to spell ‘Bama’. Democrats hope by forcing out Franken to step down, they will paint themselves as the party of the moral high ground. Calm down, democrats. You’re still politicians. You’re the party of the morality the same way Don Jr. is the handsome Trump brother. Nobody actually likes you. Nobody likes democrats. Nobody’s at a party like, “Yo, you know who I wish was here? Nancy Pelosi. She’s dope.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Roy Moore at left top corner.]Colin Jost: President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying “Go get ’em Roy!” Come on, man! When you’re endorsing an accused child molest, you can’t say “Go get ’em.” This isn’t paedophile pokemon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way, “Go get ’em, Roy!” is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic. [Picture changes to Hot Topic store.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Roy Moore at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Alabama– [laughter] Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting “I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.” No. We’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always want to blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like, when a guy whips out his junk on a subway and screams, “Only in New York, baby!” We do not do that, man!
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Duetsche Bank logo at left top corner.]Colin Jost: It was reported that the Mueller investigation has subpoenaed Duetsche Bank requesting information about president Trump and his family’s finances. And they’ve also subpoenaed the bank Eric uses. [Picture changes to a piggy bank] [Picture changes to Donald trump and a nine handle candlestand.]
According to a report, president Trump did not invite any democrats to the White House Hanukkah party on Thursday, which is like not inviting any gay people to the Tony awards. It’s not really a good look when the most Jewish person at you Hanukkah party is Ivanka Trump. [Picture changes to Ivanka Trump]