Live Report

Beth Runyon… Cecily Strong

Jack Trask… Beck Bennett

Neil McNabb… Kenan Thompson

Alexandria… Margot Robbie

Mat… Mikey Day

Reed Dodden… Alex Moffat

Karen Hoffstedder… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Announcer: Action 9 News at Five intro: Eye on Tampa.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask in their news set]

Beth Runyon: Good evening, I’m Beth Runyon.

Jack Trask: And I’m Jack Trask. Our top story tonight, panic in downtown Tampa as the 70 foot wide sinkhole opened up in the Westfield shopping center parking lot.

Beth Runyon: Action 9’s Neil McNabb is live on the scene. Neil.

[Cut to Neil McNabb at the scene]

Neil McNabb: Thank you Beth. Quite a chaotic scene here. Emergency crews are working hard to assess the damage. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt. Including these two shoppers.

[Alexandria and Mat walk in. Alexandria is a beautiful lady and Mat looks like old fashioned geek.]

Um, can you tell us what happened?

Alexandria: Yeah. Sorry, I’m still shaking. Um, I was walking towards my car and all of a sudden it sort of just felt like the ground is melting.

Mat: Yeah. Cars fell in. It was crazy. I’m just very happy my wife and I are okay.

[Neil McNabb is looking at Mat being shocked]

Neil McNabb: This is your wife?

Mat: Um, yes.

Neil McNabb: So, you two are married to each other?

Alexandria: Yes, sir.

Neil McNabb: I’m just making sure I heard that right. Hah! Well, close call here today for this multi-millionaire and his lovely wife.

[Mat is confused]

Mat: Um, I’m not a millionaire.

Neil McNabb: Oh, I apologize. I assumed you were a very wealthy man.

Mat: Yeah, I wish. She’s kind of the breadwinner in our house.

Alexandria: Aw! We’re a team. And if I felt weird about being the main income earner, I wouldn’t have married a puppeteer.

Neil McNabb: [yelling in shock] He does puppets? [coming back to sense] I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled. It’s just a lot happening.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Folks, if you can hear me through the monitor there, did you see how many vehicles fell into the sinkhole?

Jack Trask: And also, sir, I’m wondering if you have famous parents or something?

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Mat: Sorry, it’s a little loud. Um, you asked how many cars fell in? I guess seven or eight.

Alexandria: Including our Kia Sportage.

Neil McNabb: You drive this smoke show around in a Kia Sportage?

Mat: I’m sorry. Are you mad at me, sir?

Neil McNabb: No, I’m just little overwhelmed by the scene here today. Still a lot of unanswered questions. I’m live in Downtown Tampa with, I’m sorry, what’s your name?

Mat: Matshatt.

Neil McNabb: Your name is Mat Shatt?

Mat: Yes, Shatt with two Ts.

Neil McNabb: Doesn’t make it any better. And you married this woman whose name is?

Alexandria: Alexandria Kennedy Shatt.

Neil McNabb: She’s a Kennedy and she put a Shatt on it. Back to you.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Jack Trask: I think with the last name Shatt, you go with Matthew, right?

Beth Runyon: Yeah, I don’t know. Um, joining us now via webcam, [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Reed Dodden] is caltech seismology professor, Reed Dodden who’s an expert on sinkholes. Professor, what causes something like this to happen?

Reed Dodden: Well, it varies. Um, most likely they were childhood friends who grew up together and that blossomed into a romance overtime.

Beth Runyon: Professor, I believe you’re referring to the couple that was just interviewed. I was asking about the sinkhole.

Reed Dodden: Oh, it’s pretty much always underground water.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Okay. Neil, any sign of water damage down there?

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Neil McNabb: Oh, absolutely. If you could just pan down a little bit, Rick?

[The camera shows the ground they are stepping on. Mat is wearing red Crocs slippers.]

You’ll see that there’s mud and– Oh my god!

[Neil McNabb is pointing at Mat’s Crocs]

Mat Shatt is wearing Crocs and socks. He’s married to the lord’s mistress and he’s wearing Crocs with socks. [yelling] Sending it back to you in the studio.

[Cut to Beth Runyon]

Beth Runyon: Okay, well, we’ll update you as the situation develops. We now turn to Karen Hoffstedder with sports. [Cut to split screen with Beth Runyon and Karen Hoffstedder] Big game this weekend.

Karen Hoffstedder: Yeah, the Bucks is playing the Broncos. Okay, I got two theories. [Cut to Karen Hoffstedder] One, this dude Mat is packing a tree trunk in his pants. Or two, he kidnapped her and she got Stockholm Syndrome.

[Cut to Neil McNabb, Alexandria and Mat]

Alexandria: I’m sorry. We can still hear you. And for the record, I’m with my husband because he is one of the strongest men I’ve ever met. Most men would be mad at the world if they were born with just testicles and no penis. Not my Mat Shatt.

Neil McNabb: [shaky voice] Neil McNabb reporting live from a world that no longer makes sense.

[Cut to Beth Runyon and Jack Trask]

Beth Runyon: Thank you, Neil. Quiet a situation in Downtown Tampa.

Jack Trask: Yeah. And there’s that sinkhole too.

Beth Runyon: Jack! We’ll be right back.

[Ends with Action 9 News at Five outro]