Tag: Reese De’What

Cinema Classics Gaslight

Reese De’What… Kenan Thomspon

Ingrid Bergman… Kate McKinnon

Charles Boyer… Will Forte

Angela Lansbury… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to Cinema Classics. Hi, I’m Reese De’What. If you’ve heard the phrase ‘gaslighting’, you probably know it means to manipulate someone into believing a false reality. But what you may not know is that the phrase originally comes from the 1944 film “Gaslight”, starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband makes her believe she’s going insane by slowly dimming the gas fueled lights around her and then denying it. Why does he do this? I do not know. And I’m bad at guessing. When my wife asked me to guess what she was making for dinner, and I said, “I don’t know, a mess?” Worst welcome home from prison ever. Hers. Let’s watch a scene from “Gaslight” now where Charles Boyer as the evil husband tries to make Bergman believe she’s insane.

[Cut to clip from the movie. Ingrid is playing Paula and Charles is playing her husband Gregory.]

Gregory: Paula, I’ve tried so hard to keep the fact that you have lost your mind a secret. But now I’m afraid all of London knows it.

Paula: Gregory, no. I’m not insane. Look, every night the gas lights, they go dimmer.

Gregory: No they don’t.

Paula: They don’t? Well, look. It’s just a tiny flame.

Gregory: Oh, my cuckoo darling. In the week and a half you’ve known me, have I ever lied to you?

Paula: I guess not. But human me. Turn the gas lights up as high as they’ll go. Please, for me.

Gregory: Alright. All the way up. [turns the light off] There you go.

Paula: And that was up? ‘Cause to me that seemed like not up.

Gregory: And I hope you’re happy, our gas bill is going to be insane. Just like your brain. And I’m afraid it’s membranous as well.

Paula: Oh no. I don’t know up from down. The next thing you’ll tell me is that this isn’t a book.

Gregory: No, Paula. That’s a rat.

Paula: It is? I’ve been reading rats all these years? Oh no, am I really that mad? I set a goal for myself a reading a rat a month.

Gregory: Paula, calm yourself and play with the puppy I gave you.

[Gregory gives Paula a rock.]

Paula: Okay.

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Yikes! You know, in my house gaslighting is when I strike a match after my wife blast went out under the blankets. Let’s watch another scene as Gregory drives Paula even further into delusion with the help of a surly maid, played by a Reese De’What8 year old Angela Lansbury.

[Cut to Paula and Gregory dining him their home. Angela Lansbury is playing the maid.]

Gregory: Oh, Gregory. Do you regret marrying a crazy cuckoo bird of a woman who belongs in a hotel for nuts?

Paula: Paula, please stop. Now, just try to enjoy your steak.

Maid: That’s right, mum. Eat your little steak.

[Maid gives Paula a pineapple]

Paula: Dude, I don’t care how crazy I am. This is a pineapple.

Maid: No, mum. It’s the rib, just like the one he’s eating. Dig in.

Paula: Okay, I feel like maybe you’re like, trying to drive me mad.

Gregory: No one is trying to drive you mad. What do you want me to do? [pulls out a book] Swear on this Bible?

Paula: Okay, so now– Okay, so this says “How to gaslight your wife by Gregory”. [That’s the title of that book]

Gregory: Paula, stop. I love you.

Paula: Well, I don’t feel love. You don’t even kiss me anymore.

Gregory: Then kiss you I shall.

[Gregory stands and goes up to Maid and kisses her]

Paula: Okay, yeah, appreciate you kiss her, the Reese De’What8 year old.

Gregory: No, I kissed you. Watch, I’ll do it again.

Paula: No, no. I won’t let you gaslight me any longer. In fact, maybe I’ll gaslight you. That shiny tie you’re wearing, it’s a steak. Ha-ha.

Gregory: It’s a tie.

Paula: Oh, dammit. I guess I’m better at it. Well, at least I know the truth now. I can’t believe you told me it was nine inches and I said oh lucky me.

Gregory: It is!

[Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Wow. So now we know what gaslighting is. Kinda like when my wife– What? She’s on the phone? Right now? Oh, that’s not good. For Cinema Classics. I have been Reese De’What?

Cinema Classics- The Birds

Reese D’eWhat… Kenan Thompson

Tippi Hedren … Kate McKinnon

McCafferty… John Mulaney

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classic on PBS.

[Cut to Reese D’eWhat in his set. He is wearing a vampire costume.]

Reese D’eWhat: Good Hallo’s eve to you. I am Reese De’What. And De’What’s that behind you? I am just kidding. Tonight, we take a look at Alfred Hitchcocks Reese 1963 horror thriller, “The Birds”, starring Tippi Hedren as a woman menaced by birds for reasons that are never explained. Why did Hitchcock not clarify what the birds were up to? I do not know. I am a bad guesser. Just ask my wife who asked me to guess what she was going to be for Halloween and I said, “I don’t know. Drunk on rum?” Worst double bubble bath ever! Let’s look at our recently unearthed alternate scene in which Hitchcock tries to really spell out what’s going on with the birds. Here we go.

[Cut to the scene from the movie. The birds are just flying all over the place. Tippi Hedren runs into a telephone booth scared.]

Tippi Hedren: Oh my god. [panting] Oh. [Tippi Hedren calls the police station] Operator, get to the sheriff.

[Cut to McCafferty in his office]

McCafferty: This is sheriff McCafferty. What’s the emergency?

Tippi Hedren: [panting] Birds.

McCafferty: I’m sorry. Did you just kind of gently whisper the words “Birds”? What does that mean?

Tippi Hedren: It means birds. The flappy, flappy things. They’re trying to kill everybody. [a birds hits the telephone booth and dies there] [scared] Ah! You got to do something, please. These birds, they’re the jerk of the year.

McCafferty: Has anyone said like, “Shew, get out of here, bird!”, like, with a hand wave?

Tippi Hedren: No. No. There’s too many and they’re too mean.

McCafferty: Okay. So, these are birds of prey? Like, a hawk or and eagle?

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re seagulls. You know, the little guys that eat french fries at the beach. Oh, no, look. [Cut to a gas station on fire] They set fire to the gas station.

McCafferty: How?

Tippi Hedren: Sir. I cannot explain.

McCafferty: No, no, no. You just said that a bird set fire to a gas station. So, you need to explain that to me.

Tippi Hedren: Maybe the bird took a cigarette from someone and then like, flapped it into the gas box. I don’t know. [someone else gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: Now what’s happening?

Tippi Hedren: The birds. They just birded a man to death. Oh no, one of the birds found a glass cutter. [a bird’s foot is holding a glass cutter and cuts the phone booth glass in circle.] No, please. It’s got a knife. [a bird’s foot is holding a knife. It’s trying to reach Tippi Hedren through the hole but can’t.] Please do something. The birds weren’t raised right.

McCafferty: Ma’am, you are hysterical. There is no way this is happening all because of a bunch of no good– [now, a bird’s foot is holding a gun on McCafferty’s head] Ahem! I have to call you back. [McCafferty hangs up the phone] [Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: I mean, right? Wow! I got to tell you though, test audiences positively hated this new version. Almost as much as my wife hates vacuuming. You know what? I’m sorry. That is not fair. She is a good woman. Still worry that audiences would not be scared enough by birds, Hitchcock filmed yet another version of the scene adding even more sources of potential terror. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie’s clip. Now, Tippi Hedren and McCafferty both are in the phone booth.]

Tippi Hedren: Well, thank god you came. These are the birds that are doing it all.

McCafferty: I am very sorry I doubted you. The birds are trying to be very mean.

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. What’s that one doing? [a bird puts it’s butt inside through the glass cut hole.] It’s mourning us. [the bird then lays an egg]

McCafferty: An egg? It’s trying to be nice. So we have breakfast.

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re trying to make more birds!

McCafferty: Okay. That’s it. I’m gonna start shooting my gun off in here and see what happens.

Tippi Hedren: No. You dummy, you’ll kill us. And it’s too late. The birds have picked up turtles to use as a battering rams.

McCafferty: Oh my god. They entered phase two of their plan. They’re putting the turtles on people like hats.

Tippi Hedren: And squeezing people’s heads until they die.

[A man gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: We’re on the phone! We’re on the phone!

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. The turtles have now picked up sandwiches.

[They’re getting hit by the sandwiches]

McCafferty: I get it. The turtles are bullying the sandwiches like the birds bullied the turtles. It’s a cycle.

Tippi Hedren: And now the turtles have learned to fly without the help of the birds.

McCafferty: As have the sandwiches.

Tippi Hedren: Is this a lesson about man’s lack of respect for nature?

McCafferty: Oh, I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know. Just kiss me.

Tippi Hedren: What? No. That’s not this.

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: Ultimately, this alternate scene was scrapped after an assistant editor pointed out that it had added over a day to the film’s total running time. Happy Halloween, everyone. For cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Cinema Classics Marla Barlett

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

William… Taran Killam

Marla Barlett… Julia louis-Drefus

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese De’What. Tonight we look back at the career of one of golden era Hollywood’s most accomplished film actresses Marla Bartlett. Inspired by fellow actor Marlin Brando, Marla would sometimes hide snippets of her lines around the set so she could discover them in the moment and deliver them fresh. Why did she go to these lengths? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She said, “Guess what I want for my birthday.” And I said, “Your face from 10 years ago?” Worst IBF appointment ever! Let’s watch a scene from 1953’s classic drama ‘Women Tormented’, starring Marla Bartlett and see if you can spot where she hit he lines on the set.

[Cut to a clip from the drama ‘Women Tormented’]

William: I know you never told me to come back. But I can’t resist you, Elinor. This probably won’t mean much now but I brought you this. [puts a necklace on Marla’s neck] Just a small token of my affection. Do tell me you like it. What do you think?

[Marla looks at the mirror. There is “It’s beautiful, William.” written on the mirror.] [Marla looks around]

Marla: It’s beautiful, William.

William: Then I suppose the only question is, what are we going to do about my wife?

[Marla runs towards the window and opens the curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “What if she went”.]

Marla: What if she went…

[Marla opens another curtain. Behind the curtain, it’s written “Missing”.]

missing.

[Cut to William]

William: Are you suggesting what I think you are?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks under it. There’s written “Yes”.] [Marla walks to William]

Marla: [softly] Yes.

William: Are you positive?

[Marla walks to the shell and looks at the ‘Yes’ written under it again.]

Marla: Yes.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see any of her lines? I think I saw like, three. Was that right? [looking around] Hello? Is it just me here? Am I the only one working today? Soon, Marla was completely dependent on the hidden lines. But as filming progressed, her dark secret was exposed that she was too vein for her reading glasses. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie clip again]

William: Darling, I can’t go through with this. I love you, but we’re talking about murder.

[Marla walks away and looks behind a pot and reads.]

Marla: Murder is such a strong word.

[Marla picks up a clock and is searching for her lines]

Don’t you think?

[Marla picks up a glass of drink and starts drinking it as her line is written at the bottom of the glass.]

I certainly do.

[Marla picks up an ashtray beside the glass and reads.] [sobbing] Made in China.

[Cut to Marla]

William: But Elinor, if we get caught it would mean the chair.

[Marla runs to William and unbuttons his shirt. There’s her lines written on his chest.]

Marla: William. Don’t be foolish. It’s too late. Far, far too late. I think we both know that. [reads her lines] And now kick me.

William: [whispering] I think it says ‘kiss me’.

Marla: [reads the lines again] No, it says kick me.

William: I guarantee it does not say ‘kick me’.

Marla: Kick me like you mean it.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? That other actor looked straight into the camera and gave a little mouth blow like [mimicking the mouth blow]. The director only let him kick her two times before he called cut. Let’s watch one final scene where Marla’s co-star’s frustration is clearly apparent.

[Cut to the movie clip again] [William and Marla are standing facing each other when Kate walks in] Kate: William, how could you?

William: Darling, I’m so sorry. But I have to do this.

[William pulls out a gun]

Kate: Oh, William, why? Why? You love me, remember? Come to your senses.

William: I’m– I’m sorry.

[William shoots at Marla and Marla falls on a piano. Marla is now looking for her lines on the fruits.]

Marla: I’ve been shot.

[Cut to William and Kate]

Kate: Are you sure?

[Marla falls and is crawling towards William and Kate]

William: Where are you going?

Marla: I need the shell that says ‘Yes’.

William: Then why don’t you just say ‘Yes’?

Marla: Shell.

[William brings the shell to her]

Marla: Yes!

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Okay, I don’t think I can do this anymore. We used to do good movies. I don’t know what happened. Well, for Cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Forgotten TV Gems Whoops! I Married a Lesbian

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Shae… Kate McKinnon

Tom… Louis C.K.

Mag… Aidy Bryant

Frank.. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon and welcome to Forgotten TV Gems. I am Reese De’What. Today we look back at a ground breaking sitcom from the 1950s that attempted and failed to tackle the sensitive subject matter of homosexuality. Why did it fail? I do not know. That is not why I am here. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. The other day, she asked me to guess what she had done different. And I said, “I don’t know. Took a bath?” Worst date night ever!

Now, let’s watch a scene from what we’ve been talking about. Please enjoy, ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to the movie scene. Shae is cleaning the hall and Tom walks in.]

Tom: Honey, I’m home. What a day. Mr. Parker said I sold the most of anyone.

Shae: Oh, that’s nice dear.

[Tom tries to kiss Shae but Shae walks away without kissing]

Tom: Shae, I didn’t get my kiss.

[They sit on sofa]

Shae: That’s right, Tom. And you’re not getting it from here on out.

Tom: What re you up to?

Shae: I’m a lesbian now. Mag and I have decided. We’re both lesbians.

Tom: Oh, no, you don’t. I won’t have it. You wouldn’t even know how to do it.

Shae: Oh! Well, let’s make a bet. Give Mag and me 48 hours and if we’re good at being lesbians, we get to be it forever.

Tom: Maybe!

Shae: Mag, he said yes.

[Mag walks in with a briefcase in her hand]

Mag: Hot potato!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Part of the problem with the series was that it was written solely by male writers who knew nothing about the social issue the show was based on. Even the show’s creator claimed to have met the lesbian ones, but it was actually just a wooden drug store Indian. Here’s another ill advised moment from ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Frank and Tom]

Frank: Well, I guess the girls told you that they’re lesbians now.

Tom: Oh, boy! And how? But don’t worry. I have a plan to get them out of that guest bedroom and back into our’s.

Frank: Oh, what have you got in mind?

Tom: Itching powder! I put it all over their twin beds. Any second they’re gonna come running out of that bedroom and scratch on themselves silly.

Frank: And begging to go back with us. Tom, you are a genius.

[Shae and Mag walk in from different direction.]

Shae: Now, what do you want?

Mag: Yeah, what’s this? Itching powder?

Tom: Yeah, it was Frank’s idea.

Frank: So you’d stop being lesbians.

[Cut to Shae and Mag]

Shae: Fat chance. Let’s show them Mag.

[Shae and Mag are just touching their mouths with each other’s. They’re not kissing.] [Cut to everybody] [Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Let’s be clear. We here at Forgotten TV Gems do not hold the same backwards view of gay people. I myself love lesbians. I’m obsessed with them. My sister’s wife taught me how to body surf.

Let us watch the conclusion of the first episode which was also the finale to ‘Whoops, I Married a Lesbian’.

[Cut to Shae and Mag. They’re holding each other’s one hand and using other hand to use the vacuum cleaner.]

Shae: Clean as always, my lesbian love.

Mag: I’ll say.

[Tom walks in]

Tom: Maybe you two do make a good lesbians.

Shae: I told you I could do it.

[Frank walks in dressed as a woman]

Frank: Well what about me?

Mag: Frank! Have you gone bananas?

Frank: I’m not Frank. I’m another lesbian girl. Now, give me some sugar mama!

Mag: Nice try, mister.

Tom: I guess I really did marry a lesbian.

[Shae and Tom start kissing passionately]

Shae: Wow, I may be a lesbian but there’s nothing like the love of a good man.

Tom: That’s my girl.

[Cut to Reese De’What]

The ironic thing is that the actor who played Tom later turned out to be a giant homo. [talking to the crew members] Is that okay to say? It’s not? You can’t win! For Forgotten TV Gems, I’m Reese De’What.

[The End]

Cinema Classics Their Own League

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Coach… Taran Killam

Katty… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Aidy Bryant

Taraji P. Henson

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese D’What? The Natural, Field of Dreams, movie celebrating America’s past time have inspired and entertained audiences for decades. Sadly tonight’s film entitled, “Their Own League” is a forgotten example of the genre. Why is it forgotten? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m not a good guesser. Ask my wife. She recently asked me to guess what she was going to do to me in bed. And I said, “I don’t know. Let me be.” Let us take a look at a scene from “Their Own League”.

[Cut to a scene from the movie] [Cut to a coach yelling at his players. The players are females.]

Coach: You dang girls. How am I supposed to coach this team with nothing but a bunch of dang girls.

[Katty stands before Coach and wipes her tears]

Are you sobbing? There is no sobbing in baseball! This is pathetic. I’m gonna go drink Coca-cola that still has cocaine in it.

[Coach leaves. Cecily walks to Katty]

Cecily: Hey, don’t let him get you down, Katty. He’s just a big old bully.

Katty: Maybe he’s right. Maybe girls shouldn’t play baseball.

[Kate walks in]

Kate: Of course he’s not right.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Yeah, we should be aloud.

Aidy: Yeah, we can play this game as well as any man.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: You mean it?

Cecily: I sure do! Now say it! Women can play baseball.

Katty: Women can play baseball.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Women can play baseball.

Aidy: Women can play baseball.

[Taraji walks in. She is wearing very lady-like dress and a hat.]

Taraji: So, can I play baseball?

[Everyone looks at her not wanting to answer the question] [Cut to Taraji]

What? What is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: It’s just–

Kate: We kind of already have the woman thing. You know? Don’t really want to complicate it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Oh, I get it. It’s coz I’m black.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, no. It’s not that.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: Then what is it?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: No, it’s that.

Katty: People are actually pretty ticked that we are doing it. Imagine if… you know it.

[Cut to Taraji]

Taraji: I– I don’t know.

[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]

Bobby: Darling, face it. It’s coz you’re not a classic beauty like the rest of us.

Aidy: No, no.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Katty: That’s not it.

Kate: Look, we’re gonna pave the way for black women in professional baseball. But it’s gonna take time.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. Come on, you know the plan. Like, first white women are allowed to play baseball. Then black men are allowed to play. Then all women are allowed to play under hand with a big softball like a child.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy and Taraji]

Bobby: Yeah. That’s a good plan.

[Leslie walks in. She is tall and looks more athletic.]

Leslie: What about me? Can I play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: Oh, this blows coz we can really use her in our team.

[Cut to Bobby, Aidy, Taraji and Leslie]

Aidy: Yeah, forget about the team. We could use her in the war.

Bobby: Yeah, send her overseas to kill some crouts.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie]

Leslie: So, You saying I could play?

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Kate: Okay, okay. Here’s the thing. While our husbands are away, we are the racists.

[Cut to Taraji and Leslie

Taraji: Look, ladies. Whether you like it or not, black, white, we are all women. And we’re all in this together.

[Cut to Katty, Cecily and Kate]

Cecily: hey, maybe she’s right, girls. Maybe they should be allowed to play.

[Cut to everybody]

Taraji: Really?

Cecily: Yeah!

Girls: Yeah!

[Coach walks in]

Coach: Alright! Listen up. I got some good news. The war’s over. The men are coming home, so get off the dang field and never come back!

[Cut to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Sadly, Their Own League never made it to theaters as it was sued for copyright infringement by the makers of ‘A League Of Their Own’, which came out two years earlier. Youch! For Cinema Classics, I have been Reese D’What?

[The end]

Casablanca

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Rick… J.K. Simmons

Victor… Taran Killam

Ilsa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening. I am Reese De’What. Welcome to Cinema Classics. Tonight, we look at the recently unearthed alternate ending to the 1942 classic ‘Casablanca’, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. Why did they make this alternate ending? I do not know. This is not why I am here. If I were to guess, I would say that the director’s girlfriend said, “Hey, let’s try one my way.” But, I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. This morning, she asked me to guess what she wanted for her birthday. And I said, “I don’t know. Some common sense and a bra that doesn’t cut your back?” Worst post sex discussion ever. Let’s look at this alternate ending now where Rick risks everything to get Ilsa safely out of Casablanca and away from the Nazis. Here we go.

[Cut to the alternate ending. Two men and one woman are walking.]

Rick: Here you go, Louis. These are the exit visas. And if you don’t mind, why don’t you fill in the names. That will make it seem more official.

Victor: Certainly, Rick, you think of everything, don’t you?

Rick: And the names are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laslo.

[Victor walks away] [Cut to Ilsa]

Ilsa: But, why my name, Richard?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa. Rick holds Ilsa’s hands.]

Rick: Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa: I don’t understand, Richard. What about you?

Rick: I’m going to stay here with him until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa: Oh, no Richard, no! No, Richard! No, no, no! No, Richard! Last night you said we’d be together forever.

Rick: Last night, we said a great many things. And it all boils down to this. You’re getting on that plane where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, Richard, no, no! Please, not without you. No, no. I’d face any danger to be with you.

Rick: Listen to me.

Ilsa: No!

Rick: You know what waits for you if you stay here? 9 chances out of 10, you’ll wind up in a concentration camp.

Ilsa: Concentration camp? Urgh! Okay, so, is that the plane? Is it ready for me to get on it?

Rick: Last night you asked me to do the thinking for the both of us. And since then, I’ve done a lot of it. You’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, I know. Thank you. If you let me go, I’ll do it. I’ll get right on it.

Rick: Listen to me now, if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll live to regret it.

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: Wow, you give me a lot to think about when I’m on that plane. Regrets, concentration camp, it’s a lot. [Asking people around] Do you think it’s refueled yet? Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Victor]

Victor: Come again?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa]

Ilsa: I said is the plane full, you fool! Do you need help? Is there a hole or something that I can help with?

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. Look at me. Stop looking at the plane.

Ilsa: No, I know. I’m listening. I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me. Then next thing you know, I’m sitting in a CC. That’s short for concentration camp. Is that something anyone says?

Rick: Well, don’t think about that.

Ilsa: Well, you put it in my head and now all I can see is me behind bar while having to pick a child shoe.

Rick: Well, that’s not going to happen. You don’t have a child.

Ilsa: Oh, I know, Richard. But they might make me choose for somebody else. Nazis are weird like that.

Rick: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re stalling so you don’t have to get on that plane and leave me.

Ilsa: You tell yourself whatever you need to. I’ll wave at you through one of the little windows. It’ll be our thing. Okay.

[Ilsa tries to leave]

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Oh, Paris. Paris is the best. Such a cool place. Oh, look! The staircase just popped out of the plane and that’s where my little feet need to go.

Rick: I’ve got a job to do.

Ilsa: Yes, you do.

Rick: Where I’m going, you can’t follow.

Ilsa: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.

[Plane engine noise]

Oh, F words! F words! Do you hear that? That’s plane engine noises. Oh, I should go.

Rick: Ilsa.

Ilsa: What?

Rick: I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take too much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy love.

Ilsa: Oh, beans are crazy. Crazy beans.

Rick: Some day you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick! [takes a deep breath] Bye!

[Ilsa leaves]

Forgotten Television Gems

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Miss Mondre… Cecily Strong

Monica… Sarah Silverman

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Rosa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Forgotten TV Gems intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good afternoon. I’m Reese De’What. Welcome to the Forgotten TV Gems. Today, we look back at the short lived soap opera “Supported Women”. The first serial drama to break away from the soap opera cliche of Katty, backstabbing female character. And instead of present women as nurturing and empathetic. Audiences tuned in and whatever the opposite of droves is. Why did they not tune in? I do not know. I am not a good guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she did today. And I said, “I don’t know. Sit your ass into the car.” Worst anniversary ever.

Let’s watch a scene from a “Supportive Women” now.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Two women are standing in office.] Miss Mondre: Monica, you’ve made quite an impression in the short time you’ve been here.

[Cut to Monica]

Monica: Thank you Ms. Mondre. I enjoy the work that I do.

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Well, if you’re not careful, you’ll work yourself to death. Say, did I just hear a knock at the door?

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica. Monica looks away at the door while Miss Mondre puts something in Monica’s glass of water.]

Monica: Well, I don’t think so.

Miss Mondre: Oh, my mistake. Well, here you go. [Miss Mondre gives the glass of water to Monica] [Monica takes the glass and drinks the water]

Monica: This isn’t just water, is it?

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Not quite. And the effects should be kicking in right about now.

[Cut to Monica choking]

Monica: I feel, [chokes again] better!

[Cut to Miss Mondre]

Miss Mondre: Yeah, it’s emergency because I noticed you were coughing earlier.

[Cut to Miss Mondre and Monica]

Monica: Thank you. That is so sweet.

Miss Mondre: Well, you’re welcome.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face] [Cut to Miss Mondre looking at the camera making a face] [Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Isn’t that weird? Women being nice and not hurtful to each other. Audiences clearly would have rather seen that white boss lady grabbed that other girl by her weave and jack-smack her across the lobby and into the break room. And that is a review quote from Variety magazine. The big one. The one that comes out on the weekends that recaps everything.

Here’s another scene from “Supportive Women.”

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Taran is holding Monica from the back in the office.]

Taran: I need you. Kiss me.

Monica: I can’t. You’re married to my best friend.

[Cut to Aidy walking in on them]

Aidy: What’s going on in here?

[Cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Your husband tried to kiss me but I said no.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: And I believe you.

[cut to Monica and Taran]

Monica: Thank you.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: You’re welcome, girlfriend.

[Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face] [Cut to Aidy looking at the camera making a face] [Cut to Taran looking confused] [Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: Did you see that? Even that man in the scene comprehend the way these women were acting towards each other. Women are instinctively awful to each other. Yesterday, I saw a gal trip another gal and called her an old pig just because she had the same iPhone case. I think that’s what she said. It happened kind of, far away. Here’s one last very dramatic scene from “Supportive women.” Enjoy.

[Cut to a scene from “Supportive Women”. Monica has a gun in her hand.]

Monica: It’s all going to be better soon. Ha-ha-ha-ha. She won’t know what hit her.

[Cut to Rosa holding a mop]

Rosa: Miss, what are you doing in here?

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: [pointing a gun at Rosa] Don’t move, Rosa. Stay right where you are.

[Cut to Rosa being scared.] [Cut to Monica]

Monica: Because I have a gun I wanna give you. I know you live in a crappy neighborhood. I’d feel terrible if anything happened to you. You’re such a cool chic.

[Cut to Rosa smiling]

Rosa: Thank you. I’ll use that gun in my neighborhood for sure. What a considerate gift.

[Cut to Monica and Rosa]

Monica: I’m so glad you liked it. Here.

[Monica mistakenly pulls the trigger and shoots Rosa] [Monica holds Rosa]

Monica: Rosa, it was a mistake.

Rosa: I know that dummy. Don’t give it a second thought. You were just trying to be nice. Just all me an ambulance. I’ll be fine. You smell good.

Monica: Aw, gracious.

Rosa: Bienvenida.

[Rosa dies in Monica’s arms.] [Cut to Monica looking at the camera making a face] [Cut back to Reese De’What]

Reese De’What: That character died with a smile on her face. I do not know why. Do not ask me those things. This is not why I’m here. Not at this stage in the game. Thank you for watching Forgotten Television Gems. I have been Reese De’What. Good night.

 

Cinema Classics: The Wizard of Oz

Reese DeWhat… Kenan Thompson

Aunt Emma… Aidy Bryant

Dorothy… Kate McKinnon

Hunk… Alex Moffat

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Dr. Pickens… Will Farrell

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro]

Announcer: You’re watching “Cinema Classics” on PBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening, and welcome to “Cinema Classics.” I’m your host Reese De’What. Tonight we take a closer look at the beloved 1939 film, “The wizard of OZ.” And recently discovered never before seen alternative ending. Why did they film this ending? I do not know. This is not why I’m here. I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. She asked me to guess what she learned in her exercise class, and I said, “acceptance?” Worst couple’s balloon ride ever. Let’s take a look now at the alternate ending in which Dorothy wakes up to find out that her adventures in OZ were all a dream.

[Cut to the movie. The house is falling down.] [Cut to Dorothy dreaming]

Aunt Emma: Wake up, Dorothy.

Dorothy: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.

Aunt Emma: Dorothy, Dear, It’s aunt Emma, darling.

Dorothy: Auntie Em, it’s you.

Aunt Emma: You’ve got quite the bump on the head. We thought we might lose you for a moment.

Dorothy: Oh, but I did go. I left. And I tried to get back for days and days.

Aunt Emma: Well, there, there. You just had a bad dream.

[Hunk and two other men walk in]

Hunk: Remember me, your old pal Hunk?

Mikey: What about me?

Beck: You couldn’t forget my face, could you?

Dorothy: No, but it wasn’t a dream. It was a place. And you were there and you were there. And you and you were a lion and a tin man, and a scarecrow.

[A dwarf walks in. He is Dr. Pickens.]

Dr. Pickens: And what about me? Was I there? Was I in your dream?

Dorothy: Oh, hi, Dr. Pickens.

Aunt Emma: Yes, doctor. Thanks for coming to check on Dorothy.

Dr. Pickens: She seems fine. So, was I in your dream?

Dorothy: I’m trying to remember.

[Other dwarfs walk in]

Kyle: And what about us?

Bowen: Yeah!

Chris: Yeah!

Maya: Were we in the dream?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Well, I mean, everyone was in the—Hey, where’s breakfast?

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What was in the dream? Was I a doctor there, too?

Dorothy: Does it really matter what everybody was?

Chris: What about me? Was I also a teacher?

Kyle: And was I a lawyer?

Dr. Pickens: Tell me what I was.

Dorothy: Okay, well, um, actually, you were a mayor.

Dr. Pickens: Really? A mayor? Of where? New York, Chicago?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: I’d love to move off the dream stuff, but if you’re insisting it was— Munchkinland.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: Munchkinland?

Bowen: What were we, funny little weirdos?

Dr. Pickens: To make you laugh?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Oh, no. Not at all.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: What were we wearing?

Dorothy: What?

Dr. Pickens: [Yelling] What were we wearing?

Dorothy: Well— [Dorothy looks at her dolls] [Cut to the baby dolls]

Kyle: Oh, my god. [Cut to the dwarfs] When you close your eyes that’s how you see us? As your little nightmare baby dolls?

[Cut to Dorothy] Dorothy: No, no! You were all heroes in your own small ways.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Dr. Pickens: I wish the tornado had killed you.

Aunt Emma: Doctor!

Dr. Pickens: Sorry, but I’m mad as hell.

Kyle: Me, too.

Bowen: So mad! [They all start dancing] Okay.

[Cut to everybody]

Dorothy: This is the exact dance you did in the dream.

Aunt Emma: That’s pretty adorable.

Chris: So, we just dance for your amusement?

Dr. Pickens: Like fools?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, no, you danced on the grave of the lady I killed. [Cut to everybody] That was your job as part of lollipop. Guild.

Maya: So, we owned a lollipop factory?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, you just kind of held them, kissed them and rode them. Around like little horses.

[Cut to the dwarfs]

Kyle: Oh, my god. So these lollipops–

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: Were bigger than your head? Yes. It’s more dignified than it sounds. The munchkins, you see, were a noble race.

[Cut to Kyle and Bowen]

Bowen: Race?

Dorothy: I can’t help what I dreamed. [Cut to Dorothy] There were all sorts of creatures there.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Creatures?

Dorothy: Yeah, like flying monkeys.

Kyle: So we’re on the same level as an airborne chimp.

Dorothy: I’m so sorry. I know this all sounds strange, but you were a very important part of the adventure.

Maya: So, we were with you the whole way?

[Cut to Dorothy]

Dorothy: No, I kind of peaced out to the woods with my dog and I think maybe saw that one of you had hanged yourself?

[Cut to Dr. Pickens]

Dr. Pickens: And what did you do about it?

[Cut to Dorotny]

Dorothy: Um, goodnight.

[Cut to everybody]

Dr. Pickens: Let’s get our of here. Your house is a dump, by the way.

[Cut to Dorothy pretending to sleep] [Cheers and applause]

Actress Scene | Season 44 Episode 20

Reese Dewhat… Kenan Thompson

Anna Maxine-Flint… Barbara… Kate McKinnon

Hatty Smirs … Midge … Emma Thompson

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Narrator: You’re watching cinema classics on PBS.

[Cut to Reese Dewhat in his set]

Reese Dewhat: Good evening and welcome to Cinema Classics. I am Reese Dewhat. And Dewhat’s up, everybody? Tonight we take a look at the 1953 classic ‘Always be sisters’, starring long-time Hollywood rivals [Cut to picture of Anna and Hatty] Anna Maxine-Flint and Hatty Smirs. [Cut to Reese] ‘Always be sisters’ was hailed as a Triumph of cinema by the marketing team and a piece of real-time stinko by everybody else. Perhaps because both actresses had it written into their contract that they would have the last word in every scene. But that would only be a guess, and as has been established, I am a terrible guesser. Just ask my wife, who asked me to guess that she made for dinner, to which I replied, ‘Mistakes’? Worst mother’s day ever. Let’s watch a scene now and see if you can spot the actresses trying to cleverly get the last word in.

[Cut to the movie scene. Barbara is combing her hair.] [The door knocks]

Barbara: Come in.

[Midge walks in the door]

Midge: Hello, Barbara.

[Cut to Barbara stands up]

Barbara: Midge. I’m surprised to see you here. Opening night, no less.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Well, I wanted to see the damn thing before it closed.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Well, thanks for wishing me good luck.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I didn’t.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Oh, Mean. Well, seems like there’s nothing more to be said but good-bye.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Indeed.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Agreed.

Midge: Sure.

Barbara: Okey-dokey.

Midge: Yes. And once I leave, it’s the end.

Barbara: Well, [Cut to Barbara] if I didn’t know better I would say you were trying to get the last word in. Which is kind of my thing.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Midge: Guilty.

Barbara: Guilty as they come.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Then I better call my lawyer.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: And your lawyer better call his lawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Too many lawyers. That makes lawyer soup.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Lawyer, lawyer pants on fawyer.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I guess all that can follow that is silence. Good-bye, old friend.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch. Mitch leaves the room in a hurry.]

Barbara: [Barbara spreads her arms and starts singing]

For love conquers all

[Mitch enters the room again]

Midge: I forgot my purse.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You weren’t carrying a purse.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: I forgot my lamp. And cut.

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: You can’t call cut. What are you, a director?

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: Why, do you want to sleep with me?

[Cut to Barbara]

Barbara: Why are you a—

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: All right, you say the last line and we’ll be done with it. I don’t  care. I never cared.

[Cut to Barbara and Mitch]

Barbara: Fine.

Midge: Good.

Barbara: Job.

Midge: He–

Barbara: Said–

Midge: To–

Barbara: The–

Midge: Mud hound store.

Barbara: No. That makes no sense.

[Cut to Mitch]

Midge: That makes about as much sense as you saying the last line. [Cut to Barbara and Mitch] I’m running.

Barbara:  I’m running. I’m running.

[Barbara and Mitch both leave the room] [Both of them enter the room again]

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: Me.

Barbara: Me.

Midge: I’m talking, foreskin. Tarantula.

Barbara: That’s it. Okay. Fade to black. Credit’s roll. MGM Lion. Roar.

Midge: The end, the end.

[Alex enters the room]

Alex Moffat: Places. Time for places.

[Mitch pushed Alex out of the room]

Midge: Loo,  Barbara. I don’t want to fight anymore. There’s enough sky in the sky for both of our stars to shine. Besides –

Barbara and Midge: We’ll always be sisters.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

Barbara: Bye.

Midge: Bye.

[Cut to Reese]

Reese Dewhat: And they were never heard from again. What? That’s not right? Well, who wrote these notes? Tony? What happened to Mitch? Arrested? For what? Well, who did he expose? Oh, his own self. Where? My dressing room? Well, then I need to switch. Why not? Well, she can move for “Cinema Classics”, I have been Reese De’what!

[Ends with outro]

 

To Have and Have Not | Season 44 Episode 14

Reese De’What… Kenen Thompson

Humphrey Bogard, Steve… John Mulaney

Lauren Bacall… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classis intro]

Narrator: You’re watching ‘Cinema Classics’ on TBS.

[Cut to Reese De’What in his program set]

Reese De’What: Welcome to Cinema Classics. I am your host, Reese De’What. Tonight we look at the 1944 war romance ‘To Have and Have Not’ starring Humphrey Bogard and Lauren Bacall in her film debut. While some critics call it the poor man’s ‘Casa Blanca’. The chemistry between it’s two stars was palpable. It was almost as palpable as my wife’s anger. She asked me to guess how much weight she’s lost and I said “From where?” Worst couples massage ever. “To have and not have” is best known for the line, “You know how to whistle, don’t you?” Which was so steamy that most people don’t remember what came after it. So, let’s take a look back now at that full uncut scene.

[Cut to Steve and Lauren, a black&white movie clip from ‘To Have and Have Not’]

Steve: What are you doing here? I thought you said you were going to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Steve, most times I know just what to say. [Cut to Steve and Lauren. Lauren walks to Steve and sits on his lap] The other times, the other times—you’re just a stinger.

[They kiss, just touching each other’s face][Lauren stands up]

Steve: Why did you do that for?

Lauren: I wanted to see if I’d like it. You don’t have to act with me, Steve. You don’t have to say anything and you don’t have to do anything. Well, maybe just whistle. You do know how to whistle, don’t you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle but can’t] Good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]

Steve: All right.

[The door knocks. Cut to Lauren comes in again.]

Lauren: Hey, Steve, can I came back in?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: If you want to.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: Yes, I feel like, maybe I’m being crazy, but was that whistle weird?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, I clocked it for sure.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I’ve actually never whistled before. I thought it would be intuitive. But it’s pretty hard.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: What kind of a man would I be if I turned down a dame like you over something like that?

[Cut to Steve and Lauren]

Lauren: Good. Now, I really should go to bed. And I’m just right down the hall, just a whistle away. [Cut to Lauren] You know how, right?

Steve: Yes I do.

Lauren: You just put your two lips together and blow. [Lauren tries to whistle, but instead she spits] [Cut to Steve is unimpressed] Wait, no, no. [Cut to Lauren] Wait, I got it. I got it. [Lauren tries to whistle but still can’t] Am I whistling yet?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no. Of course not.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right, well, seems like progress. Okay, good night. [Lauren leaves the room] [Cut to Steve]

Steve: Yikes. I still want to get with her, but I’m worried I’ll get in trouble.

[Door knocks. Cut to Lauren coming in again.]

Lauren: Hi, it’s me again, just from before.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You don’t have to explain who you are.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: I think I’m just really nervous. I basically just invited you to come to my room and do me in exchange for a boat ride out of here.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: That’s okay. Maybe you should just go to bed.

[Cut to Lauren]

Lauren: All right. I will. But if you need me, I’m right down the hall. You don’t even have to whistle. [Cut to Steve and Lauren] You could just sing a little tune. You know how to sing a little tine, don’t you? [Lauren starts singing funny]

Steve: Okay, you get out of here.

Lauren: Okay. Maybe I’m gay. What do you think? No. I’m putting you on the spot. You’re not a doctor. Not that I need a doctor. Do you know any? I’m kidding. Good night.

Steve: Oh, my god. Good night.

Lauren: Well, aren’t we fickle.

Steve: Now don’t ramp up for another whole thing.

Lauren: Okay. Well, I just wanted to tell you that you are a little stinker. If you want a little stink, you know where to find me. You just follow that nose all the way down to that stink. I should go to school. What am I doing? I don’t know why I said that. This whole thing has been a performance. Look, if you want me, just shimmy on down the hall. You do know how to shimmy, don’t you? You go like – [Lauren starts acting weird]