The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

Whiskers R We with Reese Witherspoon

Barbara DeDrew… Kate McKinnon

Purr-sula… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Whiskers R’ We commercial set.]

Barbara and Purr-sula: Cats.

Barbara: A cat is a friend you didn’t know you needed.

Purr-sula: Cat is an itch that scratches you

Barbara: A cup of love, a dash of Whiskers and a metric yard of fur.

Purr-sula: Cats are all that in a bag of cats.

Barbara: So, come on down for our spring cat-abration.

Barbara and Purr-sula: Here at Whiskers R We.

Barbara: Hi, I’m Barbara DeDrew.

Purr-sula: And my name’s Purr-sula. It used to be Ursula but I wanted something that cats could pronounce.

Barbara: Many of these rescued cats come from the owners who didn’t value their specialness.

Purr-sula: Let’s meet today’s cat-testants.

Barbara: [showing a black kitten] For you royal family fans, we call this cat, Kat Middleton. Because she’s as lovely as a princess.

Purr-sula: And she’s good at producing hairs (heir).

[Barbara is laughing]

Barbara: Plus, her sister has a better butt.

[Barbara and Purr-sula laughing]

Purr-sula: You’re bad!

Barbara: I’m bad to the bone.

[Barbara showing another brown kitten]

We call this cat Peanut because he’s tiny and 5% of people have deadly allergy to him.

Purr-sula: I hope you’re not allergic to me.

Barbara: Cool it Purr-sula. We’re on camera.

[Barbara showing another grey kitten]

Okay, this cat is Sapphire. Isn’t she gorgeous?

Purr-sula: Look at that perfect little face. Wanna know her secret? Botox!

Barbara: I think she’s is going through mid life crisis. She tells everyone she’s three. Bitch, you’re four and half.

Purr-sula: I’d get botox if you wanted me to.

Barbara: We’ll talk later. [showing another golden kitten] We call this cat Majelen, because he’s a little explorer. His greatest discovery, his own butt hole.

Purr-sula: He’s still fun to pet, though.

[Purr-sula is caressing Barbara’s hands]

Barbara: Stop it! I’m on beta blockers. Okay, and this is [showing another black and grey striped cat] Skittles. This cat is a gift from god. At least that’s what he told the members of his cult. Don’t be along with him for too long or he’ll make you sever all ties with you family.

Purr-sula: He told me I could share his bed every other Tuesday. Little jack-off!

Barbara: This is Mufasa. [showing a huge cat wearing lion-like hair] He claims to be a lion from the African Savannah. But I’m pretty sure he’s just some nobody from Delaware.

Purr-sula: I’m pretty sure he didn’t go to Princeton either.

Barbara: [showing another black and grey kitten] And this is Bluebel. This little guy just showed up on our doorstep to tell us he’s a registered sex offender. He loves to hide things like, little balls of string, or cameras in your toilet.

Purr-sula: Oh, careful Barbara, you got a little cat drew right there. [Purr-sula is touching Barbara’s breasts]

Barbara: Purr-sula! If you want shingles, keep fiddling, girl! So, come on down to Whiskers R’ We.

Purr-sula: Our policy is look it in the eye, you bought it!

Barbara: Plus, with every cat purchase, you’ll get a free all the cats!

Purr-sula: These cats are kin of like our children.

Barbara: Pump the brakes, Purr-sula. This is our second date. Come on down!

[Cut to the Whiskers R’ We store]

Female voice: Whiskers R’ We, spring cat giveaway. See you there.

[The End]

Weekend Update Two Girls You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation with at a Party

Michael Che

The girl… Cecily Strong

McKinsey… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: The San Francisco police department is reviewing thousand of cases to see if the arrest were racially bias. Here to comment on this delicate subject are two girls you wish you hadn’t started conversation with at a party.

[The girl and McKinsey slide in.]

The girl: Namaste, Michael. This is McKinsey. It’s my bestfriend.

McKinsey: And fingers crossed, her step mom.

Michael Che: And what do you guys think of this police review?

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: What do we think of about it? It’s irrashable!

McKinsey: It’s reprehendable.

The girl: We’re in– And what? We’re gonna put body cameras on cops now? Oh, like, we don’t watch enough TV already.

McKinsey: And it’s like, Bruce Jenner is allowed to be a transformer, but our climate’s aren’t allowed to change? That’s hippopotamus.

The girl: Michael, facts, one in five homeless people are actually millionaires and they don’t even know it.

McKinsey: So, if you see section, say something.

[phone vibrating. The girl checks her phone.]

The girl: Oh, your phone.

McKinsey: Oh, yeah. It’s Tiger Woods.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay, can we please focus here?

The girl: Fine! [looking away] Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Over here!

Michael Che: Who are you talking to?

The girl: Our other friend Amber.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Yeah, we couldn’t find her earlier so we put out and Amber alert.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Michael Che: Okay. That is not what that’s for.

The girl: Quick, Michael. Who are you voting for in 2016 election?

Michael Che: Well, it’s pretty early but–

The girl: I’m voting for the Sudan. Oh, but I’m sure Hillary Clinton is starving kids too.

Michael Che: Okay, look.

McKinsey: Shh! Shh! Wait! We wanna show you a new game, Michael.

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

The girl: Okay. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!

[The girl has scissors and McKinsey had rock.] [Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

Who won?

Michael Che: Well, rock beats scissors. So…

[Cut to The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Wrong. Justice…

The girl: Ties with peace.

McKinsey: So, the only loser here…

The girl: Is the children…

McKinsey: And the future.

The girl: And you, Michael.

[Cut to Michael Che, The girl and McKinsey]

McKinsey: Oh, wait! Tiger’s downstairs girl. We gotta go.

Michael Che: Alright. Two girls out of party, everyone.

McKinsey: Amber!

The girl: Amber!

McKinsey: Amber! Don’t die!


Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Sasheer Zamata

Bobby Moynihan

Jess… Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a video clip of water park.]

Beck: Okay, you’re up now.

Kyle: Watch it!

Sasheer: Oh, my god! Everybody knows how to ride a water slide.

Beck: Really? Well, tell that to me two summers ago. I didn’t slide safe and I messed up my jaw.

Kyle: Now, he can’t say cinnamons.

Beck: Slomonon.

Kyle: Arms in, you’re good to go.

[Sasheer slides down]

Beck: Next rider.

[Bobby walks up to the slide. He has his shirt all messed up with food.]

Wait! You puked in a lazy river this morning.

Bobby: No, I didn’t.

Kyle: That’s puke on your shirt.

Bobby: No, it’s not.

[Bobby slides down] [sound of Bobby puking]

Beck: Argh!

Kyle: Man! He yaked again!

Beck: He yaked! I knew it was him.

[Jess walks to them]

Jess: What’s up guys?

Beck: Oh, what’s up, Jess?

Kyle: You’re looking good today.

Beck: Yeah, you’re looking better than yesterday.

Kyle: Well, that’s impossible. I don’t even know if it’s possible.

Beck and Kyle: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jess: You guys are so funny. Hey, can one of you guys do me, such a huge solemn, and screen my shoulders. It’s totally scorch.

Beck: Oh, I got it Jess.

Kyle: I’ll all about sun safety.

Beck: I got it first dude!

Kyle: Fuck off, Chad!

Beck: You fuck off, yeah!

Jess: I don’t know. You guys are too much. Just do it together.

Beck: Oh, dang, Jess, you got a lot of moles.

Kyle: I feel like a blind guy. I’m like reading your skin or something.

Jess: Thanks. My mom says it gives me personality. And my dad and I don’t speak. Oh, man, that feels bomb!

Beck: Yeah!

Kyle: It’s bomb right there.

Beck: Bomb, dude!

Jess: Yeah.

[Cut to the the line of people for slide ]

Cecily: Um, can I go? Or should I just freaking stand here until I’m freaking thousand freaking years old?

Jess: We’re having a staff meeting right now.

Cecily: Oh, well, okay. I’m gonna go down.

[Cut to Beck, Kyle and Jess]

Kyle: Whatever, we don’t care.

[sound of Cecily sliding and hitting something]

Cecily: Ouch! My freaking chin!

[Kenan comes in running and tired]

Kenan: Jess!

Jess: Ya!

Kenan: Some kid over the Gubby’s Grotto wedged his dork into one of the jets. He’s weaking out!

Jess: Ah! That is our third hog pog this week.

Kenan: Hey, you gotta hole in some warm water. These little perverts are gonna plug it.

Jess: Alright guys. I gotta roll. And um, I’ll be down for riding your Jeep sometimes. Later!

Kyle: Cool! I’ll ask my dad if I can borrow it.

[Cut to the the line of people for slide ]

Beck: Oh! Yeah. Oh, man! Line’s long as hell.

Kyle: Come on, make us some time.

Beck: Alright, everybody down at once.

Kyle: Just go! Just go!

Beck: Hustle! Hustle!

Kyle: I did my job!

Beck: Yes, dude! Ha-ha. Give me a water-five, dude!

[Beck and Kyle do high-five] [The End]

The L.A. Scene

Lisa Ferar… Cecily Strong

Jackie Fong… Reese Witherspoon

Kedal… Kenan Thompson

Marquees… Jay Pharoah

Andrew Marks… Pete Davidson

Clay Alexander… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with The Scene in LA intro] [Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong in their show set dancing drinking cocktails.]

Lisa Ferar: Hi, you guys. Welcome to our premiere episode of The Scene in LA. I’m Lisa Ferar.

Jackie Fong: And I’m Jackie Fong. The Fong is by marriage, obviously.

Lisa Ferar: Yes, she is married to the fabulous plastic surgeon, Henry Fong. He is generous producer of our show and maker of these boobs.

Jackie Fong: And these, among other things.

Lisa Ferar: [laughing] Yes, I love that.

Jackie Fong: I also love this couch.

Lisa Ferar: Ooh, me too. Hey, Kedal, where is this couch from?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees in the sound department.]

Kedal: Huh? What’s that, sweetheart? I can’t hear you coz I’m in my headset.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong]

Lisa Ferar: But don’t our mics feed into your headset?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Um, not as of right now.

Kedal: We’re still trying to figure out what all this stuff is, okay?

[Cut to Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong]

Jackie Fong: Well, at least we’re on fleek!

Lisa Ferar: Oh! [laughing] Yes, I love that. Fleek! Okay, guys, we promised a hot show and we are going to deliver because our first guest is hot, hot, hot!

Jackie Fong: He was just named one of the top chefs under 25 in LA Weekly.

Lisa Ferar: Please welcome Andrew Marks!

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand up and dance as Andrew Marks walks in] [Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong put Andrew Marks between them]

Jackie Fong: Hey!

Lisa Ferar: Hi!

Andrew Marks: Hello.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong are sitting super close to Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: First ques… um, how much under 25 are you?

Jackie Fong: Second ques… what’s your age ceiling?

Andrew Marks: Ha-ha. I… um… I thought we were gonna talk about my restaurant.

Lisa Ferar: Yeah, we’ll get there.

[phone message alert. Lisa Ferar checks her phone.]

Lisa Ferar: Alright, guys. I’m so sorry. You guys, my assistant Kevin just texted. I gotta call him back, it’s an emergency. You guys get cozy.

Jackie Fong: Okay. So, chefs have really long hours. [you can hear Lisa Ferar dialing the number on her phone] Um, must be you have a lot of stamina.

Andrew Marks: Well, you know…

Lisa Ferar: [speaking on the phone] Kevin, it’s me. You need to get me my poise pads.

[Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks look confused]

Jackie Fong: Um, so, um… do you think I’m hot?

Lisa Ferar: speaking on the phone] No, you gave me freaking depends diapers. It feels like I’m sitting on a wet pillow.

Andrew Marks: Are you hearing that?

Lisa Ferar: I said, find me some poise pads.

Andrew Marks: You must have heard that, right?

Lisa Ferar: Okay… [Lisa Ferar walks back in] What did I miss?

Jackie Fong: Hey girl.

Lisa Ferar: Nothing fun I hope.

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: Um, sweetheart, you left your mic on.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: When?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: We had a direct connection to you for all of that.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Lisa Ferar: Why didn’t you turn my sound off, Marquees?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Okay, I’m sorry. I do not know how.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Jackie Fong: You told Mr. Fong you could do all of this.

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Um, honey. We all lie in interview, okay? You get on the job and you figure it out.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Andrew Marks]

Jackie Fong: Okay, well, while you’re figuring it out, let’s just bring out another guest.

Lisa Ferar: Yes! I love my job!

Jackie Fong: [to Andrew Marks] You can your DP can just move over to that chair so that we can make room for our next guest. He was named one of LA’s 25 hottest DJs under 22.

Lisa Ferar: Come on out, Clay Alexander.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand up and dance as Clay Alexander walks in] [Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong put Clay Alexander between them]

Jackie Fong: So, you play music but you don’t write it.

[Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong are sitting super close to Clay Alexander]

Clay Alexander: Well, I guess you can say–

Lisa Ferar: [interrupting] Hey! Has anyone ever told you that you look like a young Scott Bakula?

Jackie Fong: Yes! Yes!

Clay Alexander: I don’t even know what that is. That can be like, the name of an animal or something.

Lisa Ferar: [laughing] Yes, I love that. So funny.

Jackie Fong: It’s time for a commercial break, so you guys don’t go anywhere.

[Jackie Fong runs out] [Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: I don’t know what she’s talking about. We not in a commercial.

[Cut to Clay Alexander and Lisa Ferar]

Lisa Ferar: We’re not? Oh, hey, what would you do if you saw me in the club?

[you can hear Jackie Fong through the mic]

Jackie Fong: Oh, my god. Thank god that bathroom is empty. How cute is that DJ? [farts] [Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander are disgusted] Oh, my god! I just farted so loud. Thank god I did it in here, not in front of that hunky DJ.

[Lisa Ferar comes back in]

Lisa Ferar: Okay. What were we talking about? Any hot hookups while I was away?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Kedal: Sweetheart, we heard what you did. It was nasty.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander]

Jackie Fong: What? Why can’t Marquees turn off our mics?

[Cut to Kedal and Marquees]

Marquees: Okay, please do not yell at me today. I cannot deal with that type of energy.

Kedal: I mean, we’ll be better by the next show, I bet.

[Cut to Lisa Ferar, Jackie Fong and Clay Alexander]

Lisa Ferar: Okay, ya, please do. Oh, here comes my baby Winston to take us out. Winston! What have you got?

[a dog walks in]

Clay Alexander: Is that a poise pad?

[the dog gives Lisa Ferar a poise pad]

Lisa Ferar: No, no.

[Andrew Marks and Clay Alexander run away from the stage]

Jackie Fong: Hey, where are you guys going? Don’t leave. What are you doing later tonight?

Lisa Ferar: Just… let’s dance.

[music playing] [Lisa Ferar and Jackie Fong stand and start dancing]

Southern Ladies

Nat… Cecily Strong

Carolyn… Aidy Bryant

Merilyn… Kate McKinnon

Terilyn… Leslie Jones

Jerilyn… Reese Witherspoon

[Starts with five women talking and drinking in home.]

Nat: Oh, what a week. Doesn’t it just feel to just sit and sip some wine? So, how y’all doing? Let’s just go down the line. Carolyn?

Carolyn: Um, not good.

Nat: Hmm, Merilyn?

Merilyn: Not good.

Nat: Terilyn?

Terilyn: Uh, real not good.

Nat: Jerilyn?

Jerilyn: Not good!

Nat: Well, I’m not good either. So let’s just find out what’s going on. Carolyn, what’s up?

Carolyn: Well, my husband’s back in prison.

Others: Whaaaat? Oh, no!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Prison? Well, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: It’s okay. He went back on purpose. He said he missed his friend.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, foot!

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Oh, it’s okay. At least now I can sleep spread out like a star-fish again.

[Cut to Nat trying to pour wine on Carolyn’s glass]

Nat: That deserves a fill-up sweetheart. Okay. Alright, so what’s wrong with you, Merilyn?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Oh, nothing. Except, I hit on my own son on Tinder.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Whaaat?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yeah! All he asked was a torso pics so I sent a pic of me and my bra and the message, “Where you at?” And he said, “Upstairs, mom!”

Nat: Oh, nooo!

Merilyn: Well, we laughed about it.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: Did you pray also?

[Cut to Merilyn]

Merilyn: Yes, a lot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Jerilyn, what are you down about?

[Cut to Terilyn and Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Oh, it’s not worth talking about.

Terilyn: Sure it is. It will make you feel better.

Jerilyn: Well, you all know how my husband’s in that coma.

Nat: Oh, yes, since the day you got married.

Jerilyn: Yeah, well, this last Saturday, he woke up. And guess what? He brought out demon back with him.

Terilyn: Na-ah!

Jerilyn: Yes! He talks in tongues, and toasters flying all around. I was trying to watch castle and the TV grew a mouth and called me a whore!

[Cut to everybody]

Merilyn: How rude!

Carolyn: In your own home?

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: And I said, “Hey Carl! Guess who’s just heard enough of this? The answer is me, bud!” And the next thing I know, the Persian carpet I’m standing on yikes out off under me, rolls me up inside like beans in a burrito and tosses me right through our brand new pillow windows.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Those are nice!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: I mean, not anymore! Thanks to that demon known as Nogi Negipet.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Alright, so what’s up with you, Terilyn?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, it’s the last summer with my foot apparantly.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: What’s that now?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: The doctor said I could kiss a goodbye after all those cigars I smoked.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Now, when did you smoke cigars?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, when I worked on Wallstreet, I had a box a day habit. That’s when I wore big blazers and just cursed at everybody. “Buy that stock, bitch! Sale that buy bitch!” and etcetera.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, what you gonna do?

[Cut to Terilyn]

Terilyn: Well, I’m just gonna dance till August and then throw off half of my shoes.

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Poor foot!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Well, y’all. I hate to pile on, but I had traumatic experience of my own that I’m still dealing with.

[Cut to everybody]

Carolyn: Well what happened, Nat?

Merilyn: Tell us.

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I got pranked by a sperm bank.

[Cut to Carolyn]

Carolyn: The one downtown?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Um, that’s the one. I parked in their private space, I guess. Anyway, I answered the doorbell this weekend and apparently they had rigged a bucket.

[Cut to Carolyn and Merilyn]

Merilyn: [sighs] You don’t mean!

Carolyn: Oh, no!

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: I do mean! No, I’m no expert, but I must have been covered with a seed of over 100 men.

Merilyn: Noooo!

Nat: I can’t even talk about it. And ya, you know, there was a note that said, “This was the first of three pranks”. And I said, “Boy, if this is the first!” Ouf! Anyway!

[Cut to Jerilyn]

Jerilyn: Ladies! Weren’t we supposed to be doing something?

[Cut to Nat]

Nat: Oh, yeah! We need to freaking rob this house. Let’s do it.

[Cut to everybody. They stand to get started.]

Terilyn: I got the couch.

Nat: Well, let us help you with the couch.

Terilyn: Don’t, I got it.

Nat: Well, you’re gonna get hurt!

Terilyn: [yelling] I said I got it.

[The End]

Picture Perfect

Host… Taran Killam

Michael… Beck Bennett

Michelle… Venessa Bayer

Rosie Perez… Cecily Strong

Daniel… Bobby Moynihan

Terra… Reese Witherspoon

Reginald VelJohnson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Picture Perfect intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time to play Picture Perfect.

[Cut to Host in his set]

Host: Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to Picture Perfect. We have some terrific players here ready to draw their way to victory into our million dollar grand prize. To my left, [Cut to Michael and Michelle] we have Michael and Michelle Folten.

[Cut to Host]

And their celebrity teammate, she’s the co-host of ‘The View’, [Cut to Rosie Perez] it’s Rosie Perez.

Rosie Perez: Yeah! I wanna draw some pictures.

[Cut to Host]

Host: Ha-ha, you sure are Rosie. And over here, [Cut to Daniel and Terra] we got Daniel and Terra Hofman.

Terra: Woo-hoo! Hofman!

[Cut to Host]

Host: And um, you may remember their celebrity teammate, [Cut to Reginald VelJohnson] it’s Carl Winslow from TV’s Family Matters, Reginald VelJohnson.

[Cut to Host]

Ha-ha-ha, hey Reg, where is Erkle?

[Cut to Reginald VelJohnson shaking his head]

Reginald VelJohnson: Move on.

[Cut to Host]

Host: You got it, bud. Remember, if you get stuck halfway through, you can hand the pen off to a teammate. Foltens, show em’ how it’s done.

[Cut to the stage. Michael stands and walks to the canvas.]

Alright, here we go now. Your category is ‘At the movies’, and here is what you’ll be drawing.

[Host shows a flash card to Michael. “Gone Girl” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.]

Michael: Got it.

Host: Alright. Clock’s ready? Go!

[Michael draws a girl and and arrow]

Michelle: Um, it’s a girl. Oh, she’s gone.

Rosie Perez: Eva! Eva!

Michelle: Oh, oh! Gone Girl. Gone Girl.

[right answer bell]

Host: Yeah, okay! Wow. Wow. Excuse me. Hope they’re all not that easy, right? Hoffmans, you’re up.

[Daniel stands and walks to the canvas.]

Get up here, Daniel. Come on, Daniel. Daniel, tell me how you’re feeling.

Daniel: Well, I took a drawing class in college, so I think I’m gonna be just fine.

Terra: Yay! Daniel!

Host: Oh! Love, support, confidence. I like it. Your category is Trendsetters, and here’s what you’ll be drawing today.

Daniel: Alright.

[Host passes the flashcard to Daniel. “The Prophet Muhammad” is shown at the bottom of the TV screen.] [Daniel looks around]

Um, wait.

Host: You ready to go, Daniel?

Daniel: No.

Host: Okay, go ahead. Put time on that clock.

Daniel: No, wait!

Host: And go.

Daniel: Wait! Um…

[Daniel just looks here and there]

Terra: Come on, honey. You can draw.

Daniel: Um, I can’t. I don’t think I can. Maybe pass!

Host: You cannot pass.

Daniel: Um, please!

Reginald VelJohnson: Come on! Just draw something, dude!

Terra: Daniel! It’s $1 million. Whoever it is, just draw his face.

Daniel: I dont…

Terra: raw his face Daniel.

Daniel: No, I don’t want to. I wanna go home.

[chiming sound]

Host: Oh, that sound means it’s a halfway beeper. Now remember Daniel, if you want, you can trade with your team.

Daniel: I wanna trade. I wanna trade.

[Reginald VelJohnson walks up and Daniel sits down.]

Reginald VelJohnson: Trade when it’s about time. You wanna see how it’s done? Fine, let me just read the clue.

[Reginald VelJohnson reads the flash card.]

Oh, I dropped my pen!

[Reginald VelJohnson threw his pen out of the stage]

Host: Alright. Well, while we get Reginald a new pen, a reminder, if they don’t win the million dollar prize, we will subtract $1 million from Hoffman’s bank account.

Terra: What?

Daniel: What? Why?

Terra: Come on, Reginald, you can do it. Take the pen.

[Host is passing Reginald VelJohnson a pen]

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: You can do it.

Reginald VelJohnson: Not doing it.

Terra: Erlke would do it!

[Reginald VelJohnson is determined now]

Reginald VelJohnson: Alright, give me the pen.

[time up beeper]

Host: Oh! I’m sorry. That’s time. Terra, your final guess. What did they draw?

Terra: I don’t know. The Prophet Muhammad?

[right answer bell]

Host: Oh, my goodness! That is correct! Wow, wow, wow! Again, the takeaway is these two men drew the Prophet Muhammad.

Daniel: No! We did not. We drew nothing.

Reginald VelJohnson: Oh! Sweet lord, they coming for me.

Host: You know they are, Reginald. They are coming. For more Picture Perfect, right after this!

[The End]

Mr. Westerberg

Reese Witherspoon

Evans… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Westerberg… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Amy… Venessa Bayer

Louis… Beck Bennett

[Starts with people writing cards in Hallmark’s office.] [Cut to Reese]

Reese: Hey guys, what do you think of a card that says, “Happy Mother’s Day, you raised me from a pup, maybe that’s why I’m such a dog.”

[Cut to Evans gesturing so so] [Cut to Mr. Westerberg walking in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys. I know it’s been a long very busy week, but everyone needs to punch out at 5, okay? Not 4:59. Not 4:58. But 5! Okay?

[Mr. Westerberg leaves] [Cut to the office staffs]

Pete: [mocking] Okay?

[the office staff are laughing]

Evans: It’s perfect Mr. Westerberg.

Amy: I can’t stand that guy. [mocking] Okay?

Reese: You can do things [mocking] my way or the highway.

Evans: [mocking] Evans, you’re always last to arrive and the first to leave.

Amy: [mocking] Amy, quit parking in my parking spot.

Reese: Yeah, exactly.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [mocking] Louis, pull down your pants and pull out that little thing. Now, let me grab it, who cares if my hands are cold.

[everyone are looking at Amy]

Reese: Does he really say that?

Louis: Yeah, I know. I’m not that good with the voice. But he’s always saying that, right?

[Mr. Westerberg walks in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys, before you leave tonight, everyone’s got a hand in their I17 forms. I don’t wanna have to tell you again. Okay?

[Mr. Westerberg leaves] [Cut to the office staff]

Pete: [mocking] I drive a stupid car!

Evans: [mocking] My nose is too big for my face.

Louis: Nice!

Reese: [mocking] I only have two shirts. One with the ketchup stain, one with the mustard stain.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Yeah, yeah. [mocking] Louis, you stink. You got to take a bath. You get in there and clean yourself nice and good. [staff members are looking at Louis] And I’m gonna spank you to make sure you scrub every inch. Make sure you’re cleaned to my satisfaction.

Reese: He said that to you?

Louis: No, no. It’s just the kind of stuff he says to all of us.

Evans: Not really.

Reese: Yeah, he more just says stuff like, [mocking] “Time is money.”

Pete: [mocking] Punctuality is a sign of a good employee.

Reese: [mocking] It’s the third time you’ve been late this week. You know what that means.

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: [mocking] You gotta bang my wife live on the internet.

[other staffs are shocked]

Reese: What?

Louis: I’m just saying. His voice is usually like, [mocking] “Louis, try in these new pants I bought you. I’m gonna dress you cool. Now, take our pants off. I wanna see your huge butt. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, smush it together. I don’t wanna see any crack! Okay!” Freaking Mr. Westerberg. He’s actually pretty cool!

Reese: Louis, did Mr. Westerberg do those things to you?

Louis: Um, if he did, I can’t remember. [laughing]

Evans: Maybe we should just work on our cards.

[Mr. Westerberg comes in]

Mr. Westerberg: Hey, Louis! Can you see you in my office for a sec please?

[Cut to Louis]

Louis: Ouf! I know what this is about it!

[Louis goes to Mr. Westerberg’s office] [The End]

Mother’s Day Apologies Monologue with Reese Witherspoon

Reese Witherspoon

Cecily Strong

Penelope Strong

Jay Pharoah

Ramona Pharoah

Kate McKinnon

Laura Campbell

Sasheer Zamata

Ivory Steward

Beck Bennett

Sarah Bennett

Venessa Bayer

Carolyn Bayer

Kenan Thompson

Elizabeth Ann Thompson

Pete Davidson

Amy Waters Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Georganne Vinall

Kyle Mooney

Linda Kozub

Bobby Moynihan

Julie Moynihan

Betty Reese

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Reese Witherspoon.

[Reese Witherspoon walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live, especially since it’s the Mother’s day show. [cheers and applause] Mothers are the best. And now that I’m a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom went through with me. I was a full on nightmare. From the ages from 5 through 37. And that’s why tonight, we have a very special treat for y’all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out and apologize for real terrible things we did to them. So, let’s bring them out already. Are you ready?

Audience: Yes!

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, first up, Cecily and her mom Penny.

[Cecily and her mother walk in]

Cecily: Well, hi mom. [music playing] I’m sorry for writing you angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn’t know I was using swear words.

Cecily’s mom: I knew.

Cecily: I know. Happy mother’s day.

[cheers and applause] [Cecily and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up, it’s Jay and his mom, Ramona.

[Jay and his mother walk in]

Jay: Um, hey mom. [music playing] Remember those sandwiches you used to make for me for school? They had like bazel and stuff, I don’t know. It took you forever to make.

Jay’s mom: I remember.

Jay: Yeah, I threw all of them in trash.

Jay’s mom: What?

Jay: So, um, I’m sorry. Come on, just don’t talk. Let’s go.

[Jay and his mother leave] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up, it’s Kate and her mom Laura.

[Kate and her mother walk in]

Kate: Hi, mom.

Kate’s mom: Hi honey.

Kate: I’m sorry that whenever I would play may believe with my friends, it was never princesses. Instead we would reenact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco by Amy Fisher. And I of course would play Jo Buttafuoco. So, I’m sorry for being so weird, mom!

Kate’s mom: You know, honey, it’s good that you’re weird coz weird got you here.

Kate: You’re right, mom. You’re right.

[cheers and applause] [Kate and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next is Sasheer and her mom, Ivory.

[Sasheer and her mother walk in]

Sasheer: Hi, mommy. I’m sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face and broke her glasses and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit of mother’s day, if that girl is watching, I’d just like to say, “You deserved it.”

Sasheer’s mom: You did!

[cheers and applause] [Sasheer and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Beck and his mom, Sarah.

[Beck and his mother walk in]

Beck: Mom, hi. So, remember that vibrating swiggle wiggle pen that you got me when I was little?

Beck’s mom: [looking concerned] Uh-huh?

Beck: I’m sorry for sexually experimenting with that.

[Beck’s mom is shocked. Beck pulls her out of the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Um, next up is Venessa and her mom, Carolyn.

[Venessa and her mother walk in]

Venessa: Hi, mom. You look beautiful.

Venessa’s mom: Thank you.

Venessa: I’m sorry that when I was little, I used to pee the bed. And then I’d get out of the bed and run around my room peeing. And then I’d freak out and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, sorry for all of the pee.

[cheers and applause] [Venessa and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, come on up here, Kenan and his mom,

[Kenan and his mother walk in]

Kenan: Hi, mama.

Kenan’s mom: Hi, Kenan.

Kenan: Thanks for coming. I’m sorry that when I was a teenager, I loved fire. And that one night, I tried to secretly burn a piece of notebook paper and almost set out entire house on hire.

Kenan’s mom: That’s okay, honey. But I’ve always wondered what was on that piece of paper.

Kenan: We ain’t got to talk about that.

[Kenan and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Next up is Pete and his mom, Amy. [Pete and his mother walk in] Mrs. Davidson, before Pete says anything, I’d just like to say that I’m sorry because I’ve only known him a week but I can only imagine.

[Pete looks at Reese Witherspoon angrily]

Pete: Thanks, Reese Witherspoon! Mom, I’m sorry that I used your good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made when I was nine. I put ketchup all over it for blood and then just rolled it back up and put it in your closet. Here! [He gives flowers to his mom]

Pete’s mom: Oh, thanks honey.

Pete: I didn’t get it.

[Pete and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Alright, let’s greet Aidy and her mom, Georganne.

[Aidy and her mother walk in]

Aidy: Hi, mom. I wanna thank you for all those times you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I’m sorry because I never went to the movies and I always went to church parking lot where I rubbed jeans with Ricky Fico.

Reese Witherspoon: Sounds kind of hot!

Aidy’s mom: He wasn’t!

Aidy: Mom!

[Aidy and her mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: Okay, next up is Kyle and his mom, Linda.

[Kyle and his mother walk in]

Kyle: Hi, mom. It’s Kyle.

Kyle’s mom: I recognize you.

Kyle: We haven’t talked about this like, ever! But I’m sorry about that one time you were asleep on the couch and I was on the big chair and there was a nudy movie on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing and you woke up [Kyle’s mom is shocked] and screamed, “Kyle!” And then you went back to sleep. I’m really sorry about that and I’m sorry for bringing that up on TV.

[Kyle pulls his mother away]

Reese Witherspoon: Here’s Bobby and his mom, Julie.

[Bobby and his mother walk in]

Bobby: Hey, hi mom.

Bobby’s mom: Hi.

Bobby: Hi. Look, I’m sorry that I drew my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on grandma. And then you said, “How did grandma get up and write that when she is in a wheelchair?” And I said, “It’s a miracle.” I love you, mom.

[cheers and applause] [Bobby and his mother leave]

Reese Witherspoon: And finally, last but not least, it’s my turn. Please welcome the love of my life, my mother Betty.

[cheers and applause] [Reese’s mom walks in]

Hi, mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, mom, I’m really sorry that one time in high school, I told you that I was gonna sleep over at Ashley’s house but instead I checked in to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty that I left and went back to Ashley’s house. Do you forgive me?

Reese’s mom: Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something we want to apologize for.

Reese Witherspoon: Huh?

Reese’s mom: We’re sorry that we’re about to show a bunch of home videos of you kids.

Reese Witherspoon: What?

Reese’s mom: Roll it, Lorne!

[Cut to old funny video clips of when SNL cast members were kids.] [Cut to SNL stage with everybody]

Reese Witherspoon: Wow, thank you for that, mom. We have a great show. Florence and the Machine is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

High School Theatre Show with Reese Witherspoon

Aidy Bryant

Reese Witherspoon

Taran Killam

Kyle Mooney

Kate McKinnon

Bobby Moynihan

Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase]

Aidy: Good afternoon and welcome to Woodbridge High School Student Theatre Showcase.

Reese: Written and directed by us, the students.

[Cut to the audience clapping] [Cut to Aidy and Reese]

Aidy: Now, today’s show isn’t just a show. It’s also a seed.

Reese: A seed that will sprout change in our town and hopefully the whole world.

Aidy: And now, without further due, please enjoy the pulse of progress, heart beat of change.

[music playing] [the light dims and other student members enter the stage] [The lights are on again. Taran is sitting on a box while others are looking at him.]

Kyle: The time, now. The place, any high school in America.

[Kyle walks to another box]

Reese: [pointing at Taran]Who is that guy?

Aidy: He’s weird.

Kate: He’s a nerd.

Reese: He’ll never be anything.

Kyle: But what happens if we fast forward thirty years?

Kate: Who’s that guy?

[Taran stands up]

Reese: He is… the President.

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie in the audience]

Bobby: Your daughter’s really good.

Leslie: She is my step daughter, and no, she’s not!

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone are standing behind the boxes but Aidy.]

Aidy: [gesturing typing on computer] Check out this new dress I got.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I had a rough day today. Feeling kind of sad.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Aidy: I need some help. I think I’m depressed.

Everybody: [gesturing typing on computer] Like, like, like, like, like.

Taran: [walking towards Aidy] Next time, don’t like. Love!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Oh, no! You’re gonna be in the play, aren’t you?

Beck: Um, no! I’m just a regular audience, guys!

Leslie: No, you’re not! You’re sitting too far forward. You just gonna suck!

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone are posing around the boxes.]

Kate: How many times a day do you judge a book by it’s cover? [Kate jumps to Kyle] Excuse me, sir. Are you homeless?

Kyle: No, I’m just cold. I’m very rich.

Everybody: Wow!

[Kate walks to Reese]

Kyle: Excuse me ma’am. Are you rich?

Reese: No, I just have good posture. I’m homeless.

Everybody: Wow!

Kyle: Audience member, are you enjoying the play?

[Cut to Bobby, Leslie and Beck]

Leslie: Here we go.

Beck: Actually, I’m not an audience member. I’m in the play.

[Cut to the stage]

Everybody: Wow!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: Who is this play for?

Bobby: The program says that it is dedicated to John Lenon and Shonda Rhimes.

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting.]

Aidy: Whisper. Whisper.

Everybody: [following Aidy] Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Whisper. Shout!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: How long have they been rehearsing this?

Bobby: Every single day for a year.

[Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone is standing.]

Taran: Did you hand in that paperwork?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Kyle: Did you finish those files?

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [louder] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

Aidy: Did you see your daughter’s first steps?

Reese: No.

Reese: Yes!

Everybody: [slowly] Rush! Rush! Stress! Stress!

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Bobby: I mean, is no one supervising this? I mean where is their teacher?

[Cecily leans towards Bobby’s ear from behind]

Cecily: Trust me. I made cuts.

[Cecily smokes and leans back.] [Cut to the stage] [The lights are on again. Everyone is sitting on the boxes.]

Aidy: Bang!

Reese: Bang!

Kyle: Bang!

Kate: Bang!

Beck: Bang!

Taran: Bang!

[Everyone stands up]

Aidy: And guess what?

Everybody: We were black.

[music playing] [the light dims and students are rearranging the boxes on the stage.] [Cut to Bobby and Leslie]

Leslie: [standing] Yeah, I’m not okay with that.

[Cut to the stage] [Everybody bowing down]

Aidy: Thank you. It is now time for a brief intermission during which we will all be laying on stage asleep like our congress

Reese: Feel free to come up here and look at us up close.

[the student performers pretend that they’re asleep] [Leslie walks in front of the stage]

Leslie: Man, screw this. I’m going home to watch Judge Judy.

[The End]