The Karate Teen

Jeffy Lahart…. Mikey day

Sammy Knocks… John Cena

Referee… Alex Moffat

Coach… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two kids at a karate match]

Announcer: Well, it’s almost over here at the San Fernando Karate Championship. Jeffy Lahart. taking his licks in the final round against defending champion and human freight train, Sammy Knocks of the Wolf Claw Dojo.

Referee: Fight!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart and Jeffy Lahart falls]

Referee: Watch your knocks. Keep it legal.

Sammy Knocks: Ah! Sorry, I got dork on the floor. Yeah! Wolf Claw! This kid’s a virgin. Ha-ha-ha. That will teach you karate, yeah!

[As Jeffy Lahart struggles to get up, he sees his coach show him a coin.] [Cut back to Jeffy Lahart’s memory where he is training hard with Coach]

Coach: Catch only the penny.

[Coach shows a handful of coins where one is a penny]

Jeffy Lahart: Okay.

[Coach gestures him to cover his eyes]

Mr. Johnson, that will be impossible. I won’t be able to see.

Coach: Listen to the wind.

[Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes] [Coach throws all the coins. Jeffy Lahart successfully catches only the penny.]

Coach: I think you’r ready.

[Cut back to the championship. Jeffy Lahart gets back up.]

Sammy Knocks: After this, I’m going to have sex with that guy’s girlfriend. Aha- Yeah!

Announcer: And look at this. Jeffy Lahart back on his feat. I don’t know if he is brave or crazy.

Sammy Knocks: Bad move, dweeb.

[Sammy Knocks gets ready to fight. Jeffy Lahart covers his eyes with the bandana.]

What’s he doing?

[as Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart, he blocks it]

What the butt?

[Sammy Knocks punches again, and Jeffy Lahart blocks it agian]

How the hell is he doing this?

[Jeffy Lahart does a different stance position]]

Jeffy Lahart: Listen … to … the wind.

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart on his stomach. Jeffy Lahart flies by through many walls behind him.]

Announcer: Oh, my god! Knocks punched Jeffy Lahart out of his pants and through four walls.

Sammy Knocks: Yeah, I just punched that kid through four walls.

Jeffy Lahart: Hey Knocks! [Jeffy Lahart trying to get back through the wall] Is that all you got?

Sammy Knocks: You got a death wish, dork?

[Jeffy Lahart is crawling back] [coach is telling Jeffy Lahart not to do it]

Jeffy Lahart: I guess you don’t know about a warrior. Coz when a warrior gets knocked down, he–

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again. This time, Jeffy Lahart flies to the parking lot and hits a car. The car breaks.]

Referee: Knocks.

Coach: I got a thing I got to get to.

[Coach leaves]

Announcer: Well, unless Jeffy Lahart can get back up from sailing through hsi fifth wall and a car door, this looks like another victory for Wolf Claw Dojo.

[Jeffy Lahart wakes up] [Sammy Knocks walks in with a trophy. He is all dressed up already. Jeffy Lahart is still in his karate gee.]

Sammy Knocks: What the hell?

Jeffy Lahart: Oh, my god. How long have I been out here?

Sammy Knocks: What did you do to my car? You’re going to get it you little fart wipe!

Jeffy Lahart: Wait!

[Sammy Knocks punches Jeffy Lahart again and he black out]

Mayweather-Pacquiao Cold Open

Michael Buffer… Taran Killam

Floyd Mayweather… Jay Pharoah

Manny Pacquiao… Aidy Bryant

Referee… Kenan Thompson

Justin Bieber… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: Good evening. As many of you know, tonight’s episode of Saturday Night Live will air concurrently with the Floyd Mayweather/ Manny Pacquio boxing match, an event many are calling: “The Fight of the Century”, “Historic, Once in a Lifetime Television” and “The Moon Landing of Sports”. In fact, right now, many of you are frantically calling your cable company to order it on Pay-Per-View, for the very reasonable cost of “one month’s food.”

Here at NBC, we did everything we possibly could to keep boxing fans glued to our network. At noon, we showed a hockey game. At 4 pm, it was the Kentucky Derby. Then at 7:30, we showed night golf. Not even regular golf- we showed golf played at night. Without a doubt, it was the whitest day in the history of professional sports.

Luckily, one of the guys in our crew knows a guy, who has a friend, who was able to steal the Pay-Per-View signal.

So, at this point, we’re just going to air the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight in it’s entirety. Without further delay, we join the action ringside.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

Michael Buffer: Ladies and gentlemen. [cheers and applause] Let’s get ready to rumble. In one corner with an undefeated record of 47 and 0 with 27 knockouts, [Cut to Floyd Mayweather in the boxing ring] the reigning walter-weight champion of the world and also the 9th place finisher in 2007’s Dancing With the Stars, Floyd Money Mayweather.

[Cut to Michael Buffer]

And in the other corner with the record of 57 wins with 38 knockouts, the pride of Philippines, [Cut to Manny Pacquiao in the boxing ring] Manny Pacman Pacquiao.

Male voice: Warning: Because this is a pirated broadcast of the fight, some of the visuals may appear distored. For example, Floyd Mayweather may appear slightly taller, while Manny Pacquiao may appear to be a white woman with a fake goatee and a t-shirt.

[Cut to Referee]

Referee: The both opponents, touch gloves.

[Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao comes in and touch gloves]

Okay, you know the rules. No holding, no hitting below the belt. Also, you both pretty old. They calling this the ‘Fight of the Century’ but only because your combined ages are 100. Don’t push too hard, understood?

Floyd Mayweather: Yeah.

Referee: Manny?

Manny Pacquiao: Si senor.

Referee: [whispering to Manny Pacquiao] Um, yeah, he doesn’t speak Spanish. He’s from the Philippines.

Manny Pacquiao: Yeah, okay.

Referee: Okay, that’s worse. Also, there are ton of celebrities here tonight. So, if you knock down your opponent, go to your neutral corner and have a casual drink with Mark Wahlberg and P. Diddy. If you’re the one who gets knocked down, I will count to 10 very slowly. Try to drag this fight out. I may repeat the number six several times. I might also make up the number normth. During that time, Justin Biebe will be allowed in the ring and he will do a very condescending in your direction. Are you ready Justin?

[Cut to Justin Bieber]

Justin Bieber: Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

I was born ready, y’all! I was also born premature.

[Cut to Floyd Mayweather, Referee and Manny Pacquiao in the ring]

Referee: Alright, you heard the man. Now, when you hear the bell, let’s have a fight.

[bell ringing] [Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao are acting like they’re boxing.]

Male voice: We apologize to viewers who are shocked by the violent intensity of tonight’s fight. This is what happens when you air raw footage from a real boxing match. It’s brutal to watch, but there’s also a strange beauty to it. Two graceful warriors locked together until the bitter…[Floyd Mayweather and Referee look at the time and leave the ring]

Okay, at this point, two of our actors Kenan Thompson and Jay Pharoah, have left the sketch to watch the actual fight in Wiz Khalifa’s dressing room.

[Manny Pacquiao is dancing alone in the ring]

So let’s just say Manny Pacquiao won. There’s no reason to change the channel.

Manny Pacquiao: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!