Tag: Regina King

Womens Theater

Molly… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Curtis… Andrew Dismukes

Regina King

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Molly giving her presentation in school]

Molly: And with that extra floor, we can have extra classrooms and another gym.

Mikey: Okay, thank you Molly for that presentation on why our school should be taller. We’ll definitely think about it. Alright, we have one final performance in our assembly here today. Now sadly, the magician that was going to tech you about the dangers of J Walking couldn’t make it.

Curtis: No!

Mikey: I know, but we’re very lucky that an amazing backup was available instead. They are a feminist theater ensemble that performas feminist monologues at 11 PM at an underground book store that serves moscato. I wouldn’t take you to that show, but I invited them to do an age appropriate version for you guys and we are thrilled. So, without further due, Fembox.

[Fembox walk in. They are three.]

Regina: Hot and wet, my source of life
Soft place to land for his member
my elbow blossom
hairy and magical
touching my elbow at night
playing, learning
my elbow is my own
I only have one elbow

Molly: She only has one elbow?

Mikey: Oh god!

Kate: What’s with kids these days? Waxing their elbows?
In my day, we didn’t even know what an elbow was till our wedding night
and then you felt, “Wow, that thing’s got a mind of it’s own

Chris: Hah?

Curtis: They’re talking about their elbows but they’re pointing to their laps.

Aidy: Ay, tough girls got elbows too, okay?
Mine’s like a chevy bel air
it’s got a glaze on it like a creme donut
smells like WD-40
and you know what? You know who loved it?
every man I ever met

Heidi: [to Mikey] I thought you said they could change their material.

Mikey: I guess they changed it as little as humanly possible.

Regina: Our elbows, they birth our babies, they please our men, they gush the blood of life
Curtis: Do they?

Regina: Secret powers between my thighs,
my charisma, my juice, my joy, my fruit,
my secret South Carolina, my beautiful elbow

Chris: That ain’t even rhyme. These old ladies are messed up.

Kate: For the longest time, I was afraid to look at my elbow in the mirror
the other day, I decided to do it, just off the cobwebs
I thought, “Wow, this thing’s huge. And you know what? It ain’t half bad.”

Molly: My mom has big elbows too.

Heidi: That’s great, Molly.

Aidy: 1978, once I find my elbow, I was rubbing it against everything.
The bus, the sofa, air conditioners and every pillow in Poughkeepsie. Hey, hey, hey.

Mikey: Oh my god, they’re not even trying.

Curtis: Do I have a bad elbow?

Heidi: Yeah, I’m not sure this applies to you, Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, I’m kidding. I figured out what they’re talking about.

Regina: Why do we come up with other names just to avoid saying ‘Elbow’?
Gash, critter, slit, see you next Tuesday

Heidi: That’s so much worse.

Curtis: [giggling] Critter.

Heidi: We’re not going to pay them, right?

Mikey: No, they didn’t ask for our money. Just to use our library. None of them have printers.

Kate: I love my elbow just the way god gave it to me.

Heidi: That’s actually a pretty good message.

Kate: I told my husband, “Look, this is the elbow you married, this is the elbow you’re going to get. And it’s not like you’re going to win any prizes for your four inch flaccid dong.

Heidi: Yeah, never mind.

Mikey: It’s fine. The parents actually had no problem with the penis content.

Aidy: Everybody in this room, you either have an elbow or you came from an elbow.

Regina: Whether your’s is big or small.

Kate: A grilled cheese or a sloppy Joanne.

Aidy: It’s about confidence.

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Confidence.

Aidy: Coz when you love yourself…

Regina: That’s right.

Aidy: You’re going to be surrounded by love.

Kate: You sure are.

Aidy: You are going to have love…

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Up to your vaginas.

[Mikey runs in]

Mikey: Okay. We are done. Sorry, guys. That was not appropriate at all.

Chris: That was actually pretty empowering.

Students: [cheering] Elbows! Elbows! Elbows!

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Gorilla Glue

Denzel Commode… Kenan Thompson

Latrice Commode… Regina King

Chantel… Ego Nwodim

Darius… Chris Redd

Wendy… Cecily Strong

Tasha… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode in their set. They both have damaged hair]

Denzel Commode: So, it happened to you?

Latrice Commode: Your worst nightmare.

Denzel Commode: We’ve all been there. You ran out of hair product and you used Gorilla Glue instead?

Latrice Commode: And it turned your beautiful luscious mane into a hard candy shit.

Denzel Commode: Hi, I’m Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: And I’m Latrice Commode. And if this has happened to you, you are not alone and this is not your fault.

Denzel Commode: And you are not dumb.

Latrice Commode: Fact, everyday as many as one people fall victim to sue a Gorilla Glue in place of a beauty product. And they deserve compensation.

Denzel Commode: We all do. You should not have to go through life with hair like a lego man. Because one time you used Gorilla Glue instead of Dath Wave Greese.

Latrice Commode: We will get you moneys for Gorilla Glue or the next best thing, a life time supply of Gorilla Glue. But don’t just take our word for it.

[Cut to Chantel. He has damaged hair too.]

Chantel: My name is Chantel. I ran out of leaving conditioner, so I reached for the next best thing, Gorilla Glue. Seems harmless, right? Well, it was not. And before you jokers on the internet say I should have read the damn label, I did. It just says, “Really strong glue and dangerous.” That can mean anything, Gorilla Glue. You gotta pay!

Denzel Commode: Oh, and they will or my name isn’t Denzel Commode.

Latrice Commode: It’s a mistake that can happen to anybody. Like brushing your teeth with preparation H.

Denzel Commode: Or putting on floor wax because you was ashy. Who among us?

Latrice Commode: Fact. Bug Gorilla is a multi-billion dollar industry. And we deserve half.

Denzel Commode: Or double. Here’s somebody else.

[Cut to Darius. He’s wearing a doo-rag.]

Darius: My name is Darius. I used Gorilla Glue on doo-rag so it wouldn’t slip off at night when I’m doing my girl. Now, imagine my surprise when it wouldn’t come off at all. I mean, what the heck? I got to sing at a wedding in four days. Oh, we coming for you, Gorilla, tell them, baby.

[Wendy walks in wearing a really nice dress]

Wendy: That’s right. And when we’re dong, we’re coming for you too, Sharpie and Silly Putty. Look what your putty did to my butt. I sat down on a —

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. We understand what we’re up against.

Latrice Commode: We know it’s going to be hard taking a Gorilla to court and suing him over his glue.

Denzel Commode: What if he get mad and start tearing up the court room?

Latrice Commode: But that’s a risk we are willing to take. This gorilla is problematic and needs to answer for his so called beauty glue.

[Cut to Tasha. She looks fine, but she has a red marking on her forehead.]

Tasha: My name is Tasha and let’s just say I tried to give myself an infinity stone little oozy did. And now it’s stuck on me permanent or whatever. And I’m not going to say it don’t look tight. Ha-ha-ha. But it burns, y’all. Damn you, gorillas.

Denzel Commode: Fact, gorillas are notorious for throwing their own doo-doo at folks. Even at little children.

Latrice Commode: So, it is not hard to believe they will also trick us into using that glue as beauty product.

Denzel Commode: Open and shut case, if you ask me.

Latrice Commode: So, if this has happened to you like it’s happened to our family [all the victims walk in and join Denzel Commode and Latrice Commode. Turns out they’re one family. Darius has his hands inside his pants.]–

Denzel Commode: Call us today. We know we can’t be the only family.

Wendy: Don’t be silenced by big gorilla.

Latrice Commode: Son, get your hands out your pants. We’re doing a commercial.

Darius: I can’t. It’s Gorilla Glue.

Latrice Commode: No, not again.

Denzel Commode: Look, we are not stupid people. So, call us at one-eighthundred-Glue. We coming for you, Gorilla.

Birthday Gifts

Trish… Aidy Bryant

Regina King

Heidi Gardner

Cecily Strong

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with a group of women celebrating birthday]

Ladies: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Trish: Oh my god, look at all these gift bags. You girls did too much.

Regina: Well, it’s our best friend’s birthday. You know we were going to go all out.

Heidi: Yeah, get in there, Trish.

Trish: Okay. Oh my gosh. Oh, it’s one of those cute little wooden signs. Look. “Dinner choices – Trish. Take it, Regina. Leave it”]

Cecily: That’s from me. I don’t know. I thought you could hang it next to your “Life happens, coffee helps” sign in the kitchen.”

Trish: I love it. You guys know how much I love art.

Regina: That is so dang cute, Sue. Where did you find that?

Cecily: Home Stuff.

Chloe: Oh, Home Stuff rules. Open another one.

Trish: Okay. Alright. Let’s see here.

Heidi: It’s another sign. I’m sorry. I copied.

Trish: Oh, wow. [pulls out the sign] “Wine gets better with age, I get better with wine.” Okay, guilty. You girls know that’s true.

Regina: We do.

Heidi: I thought you’d like that. There’s another small one in the bag.

Trish: Oh. Okay. Wow. Oh my. Oh my gosh. [pulls out another sign] Okay, I had to read this one twice. “CAn you drunk how tell I am?” Ha-ha-ha. Cute. You girls are so bad.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Heidi: You know, it was either that or “Everything happens for a reasoning”.

Cecily: Oh, that’s funny too. That’s a tough call.

Regina: Okay. This one’s from me. I think we all had the same idea.

Trish: Okay. Alright. [pulls out the sign] “I like you better when I’m effed up”. Okay.

Regina: There’s another small one and it’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay. “Hey Barkeep, I wanna die tonight.” Wow. Thank you.

Cecily: You’re gonna run out of wall space soon.

Trish: Yes.

Chloe: Here’s one more.

Trish: Oh gosh. Okay. “I drink too much”.

Cecily: Aww.

Regina: I came this close to buying that one.

Cecily: Me too. Me too.

Heidi: Oh my go, that is so funny.

Regina: That was my favorite.

Trish: I don’t see the joke in that one though.

Chloe: Well, it’s like, “Look at me. I drink too much.”

Regina: Yeah. And look, the woman on the sign looks just like you. She’s cute.

Trish: I don’t see that.

Cecily: No, she does. Look closer.

Trish: I did.

Regina: Here’s another one. It’s my favorite.

Trish: Okay, well, you’ve said about all of them. So– Oh, wow. “I did ‘dry’ January. I never took a bath all January because I was always too hammered and I was worried I would slip under the surface of the water.”

Cecily: Aww.

Trish: Okay, I think I’m done with this.

Heidi: No. Don’t be embarrassed. It’s your day. Enjoy the attention. What’s this one? [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. Let’s see. [pulls out the sign] “I put wine bottles in other people’s recycling bins so the garbage men won’t know how much I go through in a week.”

Cecily: Aww!

Trish: That’s not an ‘aw’. These are not nice.

Regina: What do you mean? I thought you love these. I thought these little signs were your favorite.

Trish: I mean, they are. But like, “Live, laugh, love”. Not, I don’t know, “My sponsor thinks I’m in bed.”

Heidi: I mean, I can exchange it for everything happens for reason.

Trish: Okay. But these are all about drinking. I mean, are you guys trying to tell me something? We all drank during lockdown. We’re just moms having fun, aren’t we?

Cecily: We just thought they were cute. Here, Trish, this one’s not about drinking. [passing a bag]

Trish: Okay. “Home, where the ‘ho’ and ‘me’ come together.” Well, I guess that one’s okay.

Regina: Another small one.

Trish: Okay. “I am sexually promiscuous and my house is dirty.” I don’t understand these.

Heidi: Here’s another small one.

Trish: “I’m outdoorsy. I drink outside.” Great.

Regina: And then this part lifts down.

Trish: [Trish pulls down the back side of the sign. There’s another sign behind.] “I bring a few bottles outside and drink under the trampoline. I’m fine as long as no one gets on the trampoline.” [Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.] “Basically I just it in dirt and drink.” Okay, I am done with the party. Thank you.

Regina: Oh no, Trish. Come on. We didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I guess we should have talked to each other before we bought all these.

Cecily: Hah. We just wanted you to have fun day. We thought they were cute.

Chloe: Yeah. We got carried away.

Heidi: I mean, there is one more but you don’t have to open it.

Trish: Oh, just let me see it. Okay. “I love the nights I can’t remember with the friends I can’t forget.” Well yes. I guess that one I can drink to.

All: Cheers. Happy birthday.

Heidi: That flips down.

[Trish pulls down the back side. There’s another sign behind.]

Trish: Okay. “Also I am cross fades as F.” I don’t even know what that means.

Regina: I think that’s my favorite.

70s Green Room

Maurice… Bowen Yang

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Fliona… Regina King

Maxine… Aidy Bryant

Mickey… Kenan Thompson

Marty… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]

Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.

Kenny: Sounds complicated.

Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.

Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.

Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.

[Fliona walks in]

Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.

Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.

Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.

Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.

Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?

Maurice: No, they do not.

Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: My big pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Little pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Shasta?

Maurice: No shasta.

Fliona: Sanka?

Maurice: No sanka.

Fliona: Cocuts?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Hot chops?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Baby carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Grown carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: What about my tuna twist?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?

Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.

Fliona: Well, what do they have?

Maurice: This tiny dry salad.

Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.

Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.

Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.

Fliona: Everything?

Maxine: Everything.

Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?

Maxine: Don’t got it.

Maurice: Curl sticks?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Curl cream?

Maxine: Nah-ah.

Maurice: Bobby pins?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Shiny for lip?

Maxine: No way.

Maurice: Shiny for eye?

Maxine: No how.

Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.

Maxine: Never.

Maurice: Okay, vaseline?

Maxine: Forgot.

Maurice: Aquanet?

Maxine: Forget.

Maurice: El-net?

Maxine: That’s what?

Maurice: Mascara?

Maxine: No ma’am.

Maurice: Perfume?

Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.

Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?

Maxine: A little brush.

Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.

Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?

Fliona: Yes.

[Fliona slaps Maurice three times] [Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]

Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.

Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.

Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.

Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?

Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.

Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?

Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.

Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.

Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?

Mickey: You know I didn’t.

Maurice: Metronome?

Mickey: You know I won’t.

Maurice: Gramaphone?

Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.

Maurice: Flute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Fute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Didgeridoo?

Mickey: What’s that?

Maurice: Flerdigurdi?

Mickey: You making fun of me?

Maurice: Theremin?

Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.

Maurice: Kalimba?

Mickey: Who?

Maurice: Flier?

Mickey: You are.

Maurice: Maraca?

Mickey: Absolutely not.

Maurice: Just ready the drums.

Mickey: Yeah, I got those.

Maurice: Well great, where are they?

Mickey: Oh, you want them here?

Fliona: Well, what did you bring?

Marty: We brought bass and two amps.

Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.

Mickey: No problem.

Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.

Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Style?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Pretty arms?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?

Maurice: Oh, yes.

Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.

Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.

Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?

Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.

Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: John Wayne Brady?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Pastor Chris?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Fliona?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.

Kenny: Oh!