Tag: Rep

Weekend Update: Colin Jost Interviews Rep. George Santos

Colin Jost

George Santos… Bowen Yang

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Scientists made a stunning breakthrough in the field of nuclear fusion which may lead to limitless clean energy. Here to comment is the man behind the research, oh no, it’s George Santos.

[George Santos slides in]

George Santos: No, no, no, Colin. I’m scientist, Nim.

Colin Jost: No. You’re George Santos and you’ve been all over the news lying about basically every part of your life.

George Santos: Maybe?

Colin Jost: You lied about going to NYU.

George Santos: You didn’t.

Colin Jost: You lied about working at Goldman Sachs.

George Santos: No, I filled the gold man sacks.

Colin Jost: You lied about your mom dying in 911.

George Santos: I think I said 7 Eleven.

Colin Jost: No. You even lied about being Jewish.

George Santos: No. I said I was Jew-ish, which is honestly icon-ic. I mean, I said that because my grandparents were in the Holocaust.

Colin Jost: Oh my god. Really?

George Santos: Yeah. YeahThey actually knew Anne Frank. My ancestors were the ones that told herm “You should be writing this down.”

Colin Jost: That cannot be true. George, people need to know who you are.

George Santos: Okay, well, I am George Santos, Mr. Vaulter if you’re nasty. I graduated on a volleyball scholarship from Baruch Atah Adonai University. Four years of mishegoss. And I am a proud representative for my district in Long Island, New Jersey.

Colin Jost: What are you talking about?

George Santos: Hang on. Madonna’s calling me. Hello? Like a Virgin. I remember. I was there. I was the Virgin. Okay, love you, see at home.

Colin Jost: George, we don’t believe anything you’re saying.

George Santos: But well, by the way, I know that I look Asian but that’s because my maiden name is Chao as in Fogo de Chao. Because I’m Brazilian.

Colin Jost: Right, I got it. Okay, George. Well, then can you explain how you suddenly became a millionaire especially after being linked to the nephew of a Russian oligarch?

George Santos: Okay, well, that’s nothing. The only connection I have to Russia is that my great grand uncle was Rasputin. And my great grandmother was the little bat in the movie.

Colin Jost: From Anastasia?

George Santos: Yeah, from Anastasia. Meg Ryan’s in it. And Kristen Dunst plays a young Anastasia.

Colin Jost: Wow. George, I have to ask. Can you physically not stop lying?

George Santos: Colin, I’m not a liar. Not like Balloon Boy. That boy you lied about being in a balloon. Remember him? Because that was me?

Colin Jost: No, it was not.

George Santos: I’m not lying. Okay? They made me take a lie detector test before I came in here. Look.

Colin Jost: That is a COVID test.

George Santos: Hold on Madonna’s calling. [talks on the COVID test] Hello?

Colin Jost: She’s calling you on the COVID test? Georgia this has to stop. You have to stop lying.

George Santos: There’s no law against lying. Look at you. You’re wearing makeup. Okay, isn’t that a lie, letting everyone think you’re gorgeous?

Colin Jost: But George, I am gorgeous.

George Santos: Whoa, buddy.

Colin Jost: I just don’t understand why he Republicans won’t condemn you? I mean they promoted you to two committee assignments.

George Santos: Yeah, of course they did, Colin. I’m a team player and the sport is lies. At least mine are fun. Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Green’s over here saying 911 didn’t happen. I just said it happened to me.

Colin Jost: George Santos, everyone.

George Santos: Who? Oh me.

Weekend Update Rep Marjorie Taylor Greene on Science

Colin Jost

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene cause more controversy this week after she put up a sign outside the office of a congresswoman with a trans daughter that read –  “There are two genders, male and female. Trust the science.” Here to comment is Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene slides in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hello, Colin. Oh, I think I sat on a gun. [pulls out a gun] Is this mine or your’s?

Colin Jost: I think you know it’s your’s.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s mine. Okay.

Colin Jost: Well, you’ve only been in office a few weeks and you’ve already making a lot of news.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I know. You know what? They’re calling me congress’s new IT girl.

Colin Jost: IT, like the new thing?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No. IT, like the evil clown that prays on children.

Colin Jost: Oh, yes. Well, why did you put up that sign outside your office?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Because we have to trust the sience. [Showing her t-shirt that says “Trust the sience”, that has ‘science’ misspelled.] You know me, I’m a sience person. I love sience. I’m always talking sience. Okay? Unless that sience is about climate change, coronavirus, space lasers, evolution, the metric system, the rhythm method, breastfeeding, living on Mars, Jesus’s skin color or Santa’s skin color. By the way, which is white. You see, sience teaches us that there are two genders because our bodies are made by god in a certain way. Okay? For women, it’s milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner fudge is made. Okay? And for boys, it’s big hairy chest just like King Kong, crack in the butt, two balls ding dong.

Colin Jost: This is what science–

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That’s sience!

Colin Jost: That’s what science teaches you?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, that’s sience. We’re all endowed with traditional gender roles, okay? I’m a woman. So, it’s my job to bully, threaten and fight my female colleagues. Sience has called this cat fight and it’s what girls do.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, you think I’m just crazy, right? Yeah, well, I’m not. Sorry, Colin. I have to sneeze. [sneezes like crazy] I’m sorry. Allergies.

Colin Jost: That was a sneeze?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, yes. See, when I was a little girl, I sneezed once and nobody said “Bless you”. So, a demon got in. Excuse me. [sneezes like crazy again] Sorry. Colin, I can’t help it. I’m a fighter. Okay? I have a boombastic personality. I fight the democrats. I fight the socialists. I fight traumatized teenagers walking on the street alone. I fight my own hair every morning with a flat iron and a bottle of aquinet. I mean, hell, I fight my own party. Those republicans and congress scissored me.

Colin Jost: I think you mean censored.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, that’s lesbian stuff.

Colin Jost: Okay, no. I think you got the words mixed up. And instead of picking fights, maybe you should be focused on things like the covid relief bill?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: The who what now? Hey, did you hear they are trying to cancel Mr. Potatohead?

Colin Jost: No.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yeah! The woke radical liberal just won’t him be proud of his big old god given potato penis. But oh, I’m the crazy one.

Colin Jost: I don’t think that’s the issue. And is that really a priority for a congress woman?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Look, all I’m saying is that if Mr. Potatohead is allowed to marry another Mr. Potatohead, I’ll kill myself. Is that so crazy?

Colin Jost: Yes, that’s crazy. Marjorie Taylor Greene, everyone! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che, goodnight.