Snapchat Filter Reporter

Valerie Weber… Ego Nwodim

Brian Sutter… Mikey Day

Dr. John Mitchell… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with “In Depth with Brian Sutter” intro] [Cut to Valerie in her set.]

Valerie: Good evening. I’m Valerie Weber filling in for Brian Sutter who like, our colleague over at CNN Chris Cuomo has tested positive for COVID-19. Brian joins us live from his home in Connecticut. Brian, how are you doing?

Brian: Oh, I miss you guys too. Trust me. I’ve been quarantined in my guest house for about 10 days now. Unfortunately, I did pass the virus to my teenage daughter Sarah. She’s doing fine. Although, she is stuck in here with me. So… But we’re getting along okay. Right Sarah? We’re actually using her phone to connect with you guys today. So, I thank her for that. Coz as you know, Valerie, I’m still rocking my old Blackberry.

Valerie: Oh, I know. But, it’s a good thing we got your daughter there to work that camera. Now, Brian, any idea how you might have contracted the virus?

Brian: [he has a face filter turned on] Unfortunately, I do. Look, I was one of the people that did not take early calls for social distancing seriously. And I went to a very crowded bar the night before the bars were ordered to be closed. And I’m almost certain I caught it there.

Valerie: Brian, it looks like there’s some sort of funny filter on the phone there.

Brian: [without filter]Well, um, this is when I feel old. I don’t know what that means. Is the camera okay, Sarah?

Sarah: Yeah.

Brian: Yeah. My daughter says it’s okay on our end.

Valerie: Okay. It’s gone. It’s gone. Yeah. Thought you daughter might have been messing with you there. Now, Brian, are you feeling any better?

Brian: [he has another face filter turned on with squeaky voice and goggly eyes.] You know, I thought so. But I just can’t seem to shake this fever. Um, it came back last night. And nothing seems to relieve the discomfort.

Valerie: Okay. Got you. Um, if you’re just tuning in, the funny filters on Brian are not us.

Brian: [he has another face filter of a pirate] You know, my daughter said the camera looks fine. So, not sure what’s going on, guys.

Valerie: It’s not fine. Brian, are you having any shortness of breath?

Brian: [he has another face filter with no nose and squeaky voice] You know, a little, Valerie. For instance, when I take a deep breath, [when he takes a deep breath, he’s breathing out fire on filter]–

Valerie: Look at this fool.

Brian: –I feel a little tightness up in here, [holding his chest] but it’s not too severe.

Valerie: Alright, alright. Brian–

Brian: And I would just like to say Valerie [now he has another face filter of a small kid], that I am appalled at the federal government’s response to this pandemic. I mean, where is the leadership? The president’s tweeting, in-sighting violence, shame on you, Mr. President. And I’m not afraid to say it. Shame on you.

Valerie: Okay. Yeah. Thank you, Brian. Yeah. Let’s wrap this up. Anything else to add?

Brian: Yes. [now he is a banana with eyes and mouth] To all the people protesting the lockdowns, you look foolish. Take this seriously, please.

Valerie: I’m sure they will now. Thank you, Brian.

Brian: Thank you, Valerie.

Valerie: [sigh] Damn! Coming up after the break, we’ll speak with Dr. John Mitchell, an epidemiologist who– [Dr. John Mitchell also has a cute face filter] I can see also accidentally has a face filter on.

Dr. John Mitchell: Oh, no. It’s intentional, Valerie. My laptop camera is not very flattering, so I thought I’d take myself to a little glue up.

Valerie: Well, it’s working for you, king. Okay. Ha-ha. Stay with us.

[“In Depth with Brian Sutter” outro]

Black Widow Trailer

Black Widow… Scarlett Johansson

Kate McKinnon

Thor… Taran Killam

Nick Fury… Jay Pharoah

Reporter… Cecily Strong

Captain America… Beck Bennett

Hulk… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Marvel Universe intro]

Male voice: You love the Marvel Universe. Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, but you wanna know why no Black Widow movie? Does marvel not know how to make a girl superhero movie? Chill! Marvel gets women. Coming in 2016. When it came to life in a big city, [Cut to Black Widow walking in the street] Black Widow had it all figured out. [Black Widow’s heel breaks]

A huge apartment, great friends and an internship at Fashion Weekly.

Kate: Where’s the new girl?

[Cut to Black Widow coming in the office doing somersault.]

Black Widow: Sorry.

Kate: Leather, with a low neckline? Take that off… and put it on the cover of our magazine.

[Black Widow is so happy]

Male voice: The only thing missing in Black Widow’s life was love.

[Black Widow meets Ultron in the park. Ultron is wearing a suit.]

Ultron: Hey, I’m Ultron.

Black Widow: Black Widow.

Ultron: You wanna grab a coffee?

Black Widow: I don’t really have time for dating guys now.

Ultron: What about robots?

[Cut to Thor and Black Widow]

Thor: So, who’s the guy?

Black Widow: Why do you think it’s always a guy, Thor?

Thor: Honey, you’re putting ketchup on your cereal.

Male voice: From Marvel Studios, and the writers of dresses, [Cut to Black Widow and Ultron enjoying in the park] comes the story of a super hero and her super romance.

[Cut to Black Widow and Ultron in a room. Ultron opens his pants and all sorts of robot sounds and lights are coming. Black Widow is looking carefully.]

Robot voice: Penis activated.

[Cut to Nick Fury, Black Widow and Captain America]

Nick Fury: I don’t know, Black Widow, I think you’re moving way too fast with this guy.

Captain America: Does he even know anything about you? Like your favorite food is ice cream?

[Thor walks in wearing a towel.]

Thor: Hey, BW. Your boyfriend is on the news.

[Cut to the TV]

Reporter: The robot named Ultron threw a bus at the Fashion Weekly building. I’d hate to be that guy’s girlfriend.

[Cut to Black Widow sobbing and crying alone] [News showing “I’m sorry” written on a building by fire] [Ultron visits Black Widow]

Black Widow: What are you doing here? You knew how much that job meant to me.

Ultron: I…

Black Widow: Do you even know what my favorite food is?

Ultron: Pizza?

Black Widow: Huh! Thank you!

[Black Widow kicks Ultron]

Male voice: For Black Widow, falling in love can be hard. But it can also be ‘Incredible’.

[Hulk walks to Black Widow]

Hulk: Where will you go?

Black Widow: Paris, France.

Hulk: But if you go Paris, then who help Hulk… [Hulk shows two ice creams] eat ice cream?

Male voice: Black Widow: Age of Me. Marvel, we know girls.