Weekend Update David Ortiz Retirement

Colin Jost

David Ortiz… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week Boston Red Sox Slugger David Ortiz announced that he is retiring from baseball after next season. Here to talk about it is Big Poppy himself, David Ortiz.

[David Ortiz slides in]

David Ortiz: Como estas.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, Big Poppy. So you’re retiring from baseball?

David Ortiz: That’s right. [Cut to David Ortiz] And we celebrated with a big lunch. Yeah. Everybody have a lunch. We have mofongo, pica pollo, pescaito frito and batata fritas.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. You had all that for lunch?

David Ortiz: That’s right. Big Dominican lunch with Big Poppy.

Colin Jost: And now what are you gonna do after you retire?

David Ortiz: Who, me?

Colin Jost: Yeah.

David Ortiz: Oh, no. I only retire from baseball, Jost. You know, I still sponsorship.

Colin Jost: Like, you do sponsorship?

David Ortiz: No. I sponsor ships. It’s like commercial I do.

[Cut to David Ortiz. A picture of a ship appears at the bottom of the screen.]

Ships. You want to get somewhere slow and soaking wet? How about a ship? It’s like a plane but bad. With ships.

[The picture disappears.]

Yeah! I also do an ad for Dominican seasoning. It’s Smidgeon of pigeon.

[A picture of Smidgeon of Pigeon appears at the bottom of the screen]

Smidgeon of Pigeon. You wanna taste a little pigeon? But you don’t wanna eat whole one? Then put a Smidgeon of Pigeon.

[The picture disappears.]

It’s basically oregano.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now, I did not realize if that was a traditional Dominican seasoning.

David Ortiz: Oh! Yeah, man! And you know what you can put it on?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: What?

David Ortiz: You can put it on mofongo, mondongo, langostas fritas, croquetas de bisque.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Now that’s a big meal. Are you worried about eating this much after you stop playing sports?

David Ortiz: Oh no, Colin. Because I have the perfect yim (gym) to workout there, okay?

[Cut to David Ortiz]

Colin Jost: Yim?

David Ortiz: Yeah, it’s so good yim. It’s called Iguananox.

[Picture of Iguananox logo appears at the bottom of the screen]

Do you not like working out at the yim, but you wish there was a bunch of lizards in there too? Check out Iguananox.

[The picture disappears]

Very few deaths.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

And you know, I knew to stay and shave, Jost. Because I started a new dating website.

Colin Jost: Sorry, dating website?

David Ortiz: Yeah, bro. It’s called ‘go outside’.

[Cut to David Ortiz. There’s a picture of ‘go outside’ logo at the bottom of the screen.]

Do you wanna meet some people? Go outside!

[The picture disappears]

And look around man. Everywhere is people.

Colin Jost: It’s a grate point. It’s a great point.

David Ortiz: Yeah, that’s right. You can it out in wabble-you wabble-you wabble-you (he means www) gooutside.whynot.havesomefun.thisgoingtobegreat.mofongo

And please use a promo code: Wasakaka con queso frito.

[Cut to David Ortiz and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: David Ortiz, everyone. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.