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Mikey Day

Luke Null

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Leslie Jones

Saoirse Ronan

Chris Redd

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

Pete Davidson

Heidi Gardner

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with some people in line at a mart’s return/exchange counter]

Mikey: Sir, I’m sorry, but we cannot accept any returns or exchanges without a receipt. Our store policy, man.

Luke: Man, that’s such a bull-crap. I’m sopping at Walmart from now on. That’s a better mart.

[Luke walks out]

Mikey: Okay, sir. You’re free to do that. Next in line, return or exchange?

Kyle: I’d like to return these [in loud voice] magnum condoms. Guys like me need bigger condoms. Do you see a bigger size?

Mikey: I don’t think so, man.

Kyle: [in loud voice] Dang, so the biggest condoms you sell are too small for me? I guess I’ll just have to go online to a bot guy website and see if I can find some there.

[Kyle walks out]

Mikey: Okay. Good luck with that. Next.

[Kenan walks front]

Kenan: Well, I hope that you have had a good life. You people have sold me a woman’s hand muff. Now that you’ve had your fun, kindly point me towards the men’s muff section please.

Mikey: Yeah, I don’t think we have those, sir.

Kenan: Oh, so you’re all sold out? Perfect!

[Kenan walks out]

Mikey: Hello.

[Leslie storms in]

Leslie: These diapers leak. Not to mention, my baby looks ridiculous in them.

Mikey: Um, these are adult diapers, ma’am.

Leslie: Man, what the kind of hell of an adult be dooking in his pants?

Mikey: I think when some people get older, it just happens. Either way, I’ll give you store credit, okay ma’am?

[Mikey hands Leslie over a paper. Leslie takes is angrily.]

Next please.

[Saoirse and Chris walk in]

Saoirse: Hi. I bought my boyfriend this men’s cologne because I thought he was a man. But he’s actually a bitch on the rags, so I’d like to exchange it for these tampons.

Mikey: Alright.

Chris: Babe, why are you doing this?

Saoirse: Because the man protects his woman.

Chris: Babe, a drunk guy spilled a drink on your shoe, I’m not gonna kick his ass for that.

Saoirse: Right, yeah. Because you’re a little girl who needs her tampons.

Mikey: [passing the tampons] Okay, you guys are all set.

Saoirse: Great, thanks. [to Chris] I’m leaving. Don’t follow me. [Saoirse walks away while Chris just looks around] [yelling] Are you coming?

Chris: Yes! I don’t know what to do, man!

[Saoirse and Chris leave]

Mikey: Next, ma’am. Hello.

[Aidy walks in. He has a parrot on her shoulder and it has pooped all over her shoulder.]

Aidy: Hello. I will not go into detail, but let’s just say that the brand of bird seed doesn’t agree with my parrot’s stomach.

Mikey: Yeah. I can see that. I can give you store credit.

Aidy: Okay. Wonderful. And can you just point me in the direction of women’s shirts, carpet cleaner and I guess, unfortunately, mouth wash.

Mikey: Oh, they’re all out in the store, ma’am. Thank you. Next.

[Aidy walks out. Cecily walks in taking a selfie video.]

Cecily: Okay, Facebook live.

Mikey: No, don’t.

Cecily: Get ready to watch a customer begging out her right.

Mikey: Ma’am. Stop doing–

Cecily: What? What? Can I talk?

Mikey: Can you just stop?

Cecily: Can I talk? Oh, can I talk?

Mikey: You come in here a lot.

Cecily: Coz y’all told me to test it, right? Watch, does this say goodbye to stains?

[Cecily opens a pan and tries to cover her shirt stain writing on it]

Look, stain. I’m stain. It ain’t doing nothing. Stain.

Mikey: You can’t rub it on mustard.

Cecily: And y’all trynna’ charge me $100?

Mikey: No, it didn’t cost $100.

Cecily: Oh, he calling me a liar. Facebook live. Say it again. It’s on Facebook live.

Mikey: No, I’m not calling you a liar.

Cecily: You know what? That’s racial discrimination. Find this man.

Mikey: Racial? You’re white!

Cecily: You don’t know that. Find this man! You going viral! You going– He going– You going viral!

[Cecily leaves]

Mikey: Okay. I’m not going viral. Next.

[Pete and Heidi walk in. Heidi has pregnant belly.]

Pete: Yo! These pregnancy test don’t work, man!

Mikey: Okay. Did you read the instructions?

Pete: Dude, yes. I’m not stupid. I read the instructions. I took it out, I peed on it, I waited 15 minutes and nothing happened.

Mikey: Oh wait, dude, you peed on it? No, she got to pee on it, man.

Heidi: I freaking told you, you freaking idiot! Now we’ll never know.

[Pete and Heidi storm out]

Mikey: [looking at Heidi’s belly.] Yeah. She’s pregnant, man. Um, you’re next.

[Cut to Kate at the doorway. She is an old lady on automated wheelchair.]

Kate: These jeans are too baggy. I look like an urban in them.

Mikey: Alright, can you just come up a little closer?

Kate: You’re the boss.

[Kate moves forward on her wheelchair and hits Mikey’s counter. Wheelchair’s airbag is triggered.]

Mikey: You did it again.

[Cecily walks in again taking selfie video]

Cecily: Oh, watch! Watch! Facebook live, he just killed that old lady. Y’all can see that? You’re going viral!

Mikey: No, I didn’t.

Cecily: He’s going viral.

Mikey: She’s not dead.