Riblet… Bobby Moynihan[Starts with Michael Che in his set. There’s a picture changes to map of Amsterdam and handcuffs.]
A gang of drug dealers in Amsterdam were reportedly storing–[Riblet enters the set]
Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on! Let’s go.
Michael Che: Reportedly storing 300,000–[Cut to 1, Michael Che and Riblet]
Riblet: Yo, Che! Come on, man! Let’s go. I got a bootleg copy of Batman hates Superman.
Michael Che: Dude, yo’re in the shot.
Riblet: Man, I think they got a Honder Hwoman in there. Come on, man!
Michael Che: You’re in the shot. You’re ruining this.
Riblet: Oh, we live right now? We live at five? Yo, introduce me then.
Michael Che: I’m sorry. It’s my friend from high school, Riblet everybody.[Riblet climbs over the table and sits next to Michael Che]
Riblet: It’s Riblet baby living clean in 2016.
Michael Che: Riblet, I’m in the middle of a live show here, man. I don’t have time to go watch movies with you.
Riblet: What? Man, you never got time for Riblet no more, man! Come on, now.
Michael Che: I got a job.
Riblet: Oh, you a punk man! Get someone to cover your shift. That’s what I did at Friendly’s, never home of the fribble.
Michael Che: Well, this isn’t Friendly’s, Riblet. Okay? This is a good job. You can’t just get anybody to do this job.
Riblet: Phrrr. Please! This jorb ain’t that hord! Come on man, check it. Watch, I’ll do it right now. Ay, yo Don, give me a key on three, baby.
Michael Che: How do you know Don?[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of IHOP logo and Mississippi map at right top corner.]
Riblet: A massive sinkhole opened in a parking lot of Mississippi IHOP swallowing more than a dozen cars. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re eating at a Mississippi IHOP, it’s to sink lower.[Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]
Oh! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Oh, baby I got your jorb! Now hurry up Che. Table four needs a fribble. Oh, what’s that? You don’t know where table four is? It’s a trick question. Table four is a booth. Dang!
Michael Che: That wasn’t a question or a trick, man! Can you please just go? I’m serious.
Riblet: What? I’m serious about watching this movie, man. Lex Luthor got hairs now. And I’m fixing to find out why. Okay? So, let’s keep this train rolling my dude. Ayo Don, break me on someting.
Michael Che: Why are you helping him?[Cut to Riblet. There’s a picture of J.K. Rowling at right top corner.]
Riblet: Some native American groups are upset with the new J.K. Rowling story that they say is disrespectful of their culture. Which you can tell from the title, ‘Harry Potter and the Cursed Blankets’. [yelling] Oh! That ain’t even a real book. I photoshorped it. And it ain’t even there, man! It’s ghost news.[The picture disappears] [Cut to Michael Che and Riblet]
Michael Che: You know, there’s a lot more to this job than just reading jokes–
Riblet: [mocking] Oh really? There’s a lot more?
Michael Che: Yeah man, it is.
Riblet: Okay, man. You know what? I stand corrected. I guess I hadn’t thought of that. Okay. I guess– I did not. I’m apologizing. I guess you would have to have something like new surprising moves every week.
Michael Che: That’d be nice. It would.
Riblet: Wait a minute. [putting a finger in his ear and listening] I’m getting something. My ear from the booth. Hold on. Oh, it looks like we have a special report. Let’s go live to our man on the street, Riblet.[Cut to Riblet in street]
Riblet in street: Thanks Riblet. Good evening. Riblet St. James here reporting live from the Lorry side. The line started forming days ago and it has been a revolving door of random man in and out of this building all weekend long. Whatever they are lining up for, they can’t seem to get enough, Riblet.[Cut to Riblet in set]
Riblet: Okay, and where did you say you were, Riblet?[Cut to split screen]
Riblet in street: Okay, I am currently outside Che’s mama’s house.
Riblet: Damn! Yo, sign him off, Riblet. Do your thing.
Riblet in street: This is Riblet St. James. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. Back to you, Riblet.[Both Riblets do the mic-drop and start dancing.] [Cut to Michael Che and Riblet in the set]
Michael Che: My friend from high school, Riblet, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Good night.