Marcus Comes to Dinner

Richard… Sam Rockwell

Aidy Bryant

Tim… Alex Moffat

Marcus… Chris Redd

[Starts with Richard and Aidy waiting for the guests in home]

Richard: What time are Tim and his friend coming over?

Aidy: Okay, it’s Tim’s boyfriend, Richard. If we’re going to make an effort then we really have to make an effort.

Richard: Yeah. Boyfriend. I’m sorry. Their light has part I don’t like.

[Cut to Tim and Marcus outside the door.]

Tim: Yeah. It’ll be okay. We’ll get through it. Just we’ll be out of here in like an hour, tops. Okay?

Marcus: Yeah. If you say so.

Tim: Yeah.

Marcus: Um, do they know I’m a pornstar?

Tim: What? No. No. God. I didn’t tell them that. Why would I tell them that you are a pornstar?

[Aidy opens the doory]

Aidy: Timmy?

[Tim and Marcus walk inside the door]

Tim: Hey!

Aidy: Oh, come on in here, guys.

Richard: Hey.

Tim: How are you doing?

Richard: [looks at Marcus] Wait, um. Never mind.

Marcus: Oh.

Tim: Um, you know, we’re really happy to see you guys.

Aidy: Of course. Have a seat, you guys. You know, we are so happy to have our little angel home and you must be Marcus.

Marcus: Yes, ma’am.

Richard: Does Marcus seem familiar to you?

Aidy: How so?

Richard: I don’t know. Marcus, do I know you?

Marcus: Nah, we never met.

Richard: Really? I feel like I see you all the time. Are you working at that coffee shop on second or something? Where do I know you from? What do you do?

Marcus: Some freelance stuff.

Tim: You know, Marcus is a dental hygienist. He cleans teeth. It’s all he does.

[Aidy has a wine and wine opener in her hands]

Aidy: Oh, well, sweetie, there’s no need to be tensed. Your father and I are very much happy that both of you are here. You know, I am struggling with this thing. Can one of you open it?

Marcus: Oh, definitely. I will definitely.

[Marcus gets the wine bottle and the opener. He puts it between his legs and he is making noises while using his strength.]

Richard: I would disagree on a lot son. I’m getting used to your lifestyle. We can still be a fit family. [Richard is looking at Marcus making noises with a bottle between his legs] I was thinking maybe you could join us at church sometime.

Marcus: So hard sometimes, you know?

Richard: God, where do I know you from?

Tim: Hey, dad! Dad, can you just drop it?

Richard: You work at a Crunch? I know I’ve seen you.

Marcus: Yeah. That’s becoming very clear. Very clear.

Aidy: Well, you know boys, I got those sneaker doodle cookies that you like. They’re in the kitchen. You know, the thing about these two boys is that they share everything the same. They got the same taste in everything.

Marcus: Yeah. I’m very popular with certain type of democraphic.

Tim: Um, mom, how’s Kathleen?

Aidy: Well, she’s out of control. I mean she has two tattoos. Now, you don’t have any tattoos, do you Tim?

Tim: No, mom.

Aidy: What about you, Marcus?

Marcus: Well, I got a couple.

Richard: Couple of guns right above your butt. Oh! You’re a gay pornstar. That’s what it is. I feel so stupid. I got one of my top tier gay pornstar in my house and we’re giving him cookies. I can’t believe I wore this shirt to meet Marco Pumpgood like an idiot. I have cuter shirts, just so you know. See, I got confused earlier because you kind of look like Jason Thrust. But I thought, “No, no, he hasn’t been with the cocky boys for like..”, I don’t know, three years. But, you both went on that Palm Springs getaway together? Boy! As soon as I saw that trailer, that’s when I finally subscribed. Just bootlegging off that tube size for that but I wasn’t about to wait a whole week for that scene. Well, [walks to the door and gets his coat] anyhow, I guess I’m getting a divorce. Now, I’m probably stepping down this pastry. Goodbye, family.

[Richard walks out]

Aidy: Well, okay. So, that was a lot to take.

[Richard walks in again and takes his laptop with him]

Oh, okay. Oh, yeah. And you’re gonna need your laptop. Sure. Okay. Well, so, Pumpgood, is that Irish or?

Marcus: Um, no, ma’am. It’s from porn.

Aidy: Yeah. I know that. It was a joke. My marriage just fell apart. Will you let me have one thing?

[The end]

Office Boss with Cameron Diaz

Mitchell… Kenan Thompson

Nancy, Mrs. Patterson… Cameron Diaz

Kendra… Sasheer Zamata

Richard, Mr. Patterson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a big house]

Mitchell: Well, thank you so much for having me and my wife over, Mrs. Patterson.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra at the dining hall]

Nancy: Of course. Anything for my husband’s new CFO.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: Oh! Well, he hasn’t given me the promotion just yet.

Kendra: Oh, honey, he will. Where is Mr. Patterson anyway? I’m excited to meet him.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Well, he’s just finishing up some work upstairs. Now, Kendra, there’s three things that you should know about my husband. He’s the most brilliant man that I have ever met. His stories can be a little dry though. And he has the body of a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra]

Kendra: What’s the third one?

[Cut to Richard sitting on the stairs, moving around his legs.]

Richard: Oh, hi there. Hope everyone brought their appetites.

[Cut to everybody]

Nancy: There is the man at the hour.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Be down in just a sec.

[Richard slides down.]

Oopsie daisy! Mitchell, so glad you could finally come over for dinner. Those last quarter of numbers are definitely a cause for celebration.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Honey, what am I looking at?

Mitchell: You’re looking at the man who’s gonna make me CFO.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Come join us at the table sweetheart.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Yes, ma’am.

[Richard stands up like a baby. He cannot balance on his feet properly.]

Boss man walking.

[He walks like a baby to the table]

Oh! Nancy brought out the good China. [Richard grabs the place in front of him] This was a gift from Warren Buffett.

[Richard starts shaking the plate here and there like a baby then bites the plate.] [Cut to everybody. Richard passes the plate to Mitchell]

Mitchell: Oh! Thank you.

[Mitchell bites the plate too.] [Cut to Richard]

Richard: Uh, Mitchell, why are you sucking my plate?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: I do not have an answer.

Kendra: So, Nancy, how long have you two been married?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, it will be 10 years in October. Mitchell, has Richard ever told you the story of our engagement?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: He hasn’t.

Kendra: I actually have a lot of questions about your relationship.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, Richard and I, we’re in Greece and I just knew he was going to propose.

[Richard starts putting his hand on Nancy’s face] [Nancy kisses Richard’s hands.]

So, we’re on this beautiful boat cruise. The sun is setting.

[Richard is putting his hand on Nancy’s face again. Nancy blows on Richard’s hand.]

Everything is perfect and he eats the ring.

Richard: I did, I ate it.

Nancy: The next day, I found it on his diapy and I said, “Yes.” Shall we eat?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Sure, that story made me really hungry.

[Cut to everybody taking their seats.]

Nancy: Go ahead, everybody. Take a seat.

Mitchell: Oh, I’m sorry. It looks like we need one more chair.

[Cut to Richard on a baby walker.]

Richard: No, got my own.

[Richard walks forward on baby walker.]

So, Mitchell, how are we looking for next quarter?

Nancy: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no! No work at the table. In fact, Richard and I have a bit of an announcement to make.

Richard: That’s right. We’re having a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

Kendra: Oh, wow.

Mitchell: For real?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I’m excited but nervous. You know, I don’t know anything about being a mom.

[Nancy feeds Richard like she’s feeding a baby making different noises.]

Pup-pup-pup. Yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.] [Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Yum-yum-yum-yum. Who’s the good boy? There you go.

Richard: Well, I’m not worried. You’re gonna be a great mother.

Nancy: Aw!

Richard: Come here, you.

[Nancy leans forward for a kiss, but Richard blows on her mouth.] [Cut to Mitchell and Kendra.]

Mitchell: Could we maybe just do a little toast here? Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody. They all raise their glasses.]

Everybody: A toast.

Richard: Oh! Look at that. [Cut to Nancy and Richard] A lemon. I’ve been meaning to try one of these.

[Richard takes the lemon on his glass and puts it in his mouth, then spits it out.]

Hmm, it’s good. It’s tart.

Nancy: It seems like you don’t like it sweety.

[Cut to Richard. He eats the lemon again and makes funny faces.]

Richard: No, I do. It’s just– It’s strong. Well, you two should probably head out. I’m tired-tired and I wanna go night-night.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: It’s 7:15.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I know. That’s very late for him. Okay, Richard, let’s say goodnight. [Nancy stands up] High five, come on.

[Mitchell walks to Richard giving him a palm to high-five on]

Mitchell: High-five, buddy.

Nancy: High-five. He usually does it. It’s so weird. High-five honey. Come on.

[Richard high-fives Mitchell’s palm like a baby]

Mitchell: Yay!

[Kendra walks in with her palm for Richard to high-five on]

Nancy: You too, Kendra. High-five, honey.

[Richard high-fives Kendra’s palm like a baby]

Nancy: Yay!

[Cut to everybody]

Richard: Wow, that was great. Oh, and Mitchell, I’ll see you on Monday, CFO.

Mitchell: Thank you, baby boss.

[Mitchell and Kendra runs out] [Cut to Nancy and Richard. Richard is moving his hand everywhere and he touches Nancy’s back]

Nancy: Ooh! Wow! Well, well, look who’s feeling frisky.

Richard: That’s right. How about a bath?

Nancy: I’ll go fill up the kitchen sink.

[Richard is happy] [cheers and applause]