Tanya… Chloe Fineman
Richard… Kenan Thompson
Francine… Sarah Sherman
Jason… Michael B. Jordan[Starts with show intro]
Tanya: Welcome back to Good morning today. Later in the hour, we’ll be talking pitbulls. Who are they? What do they want from us and how are they so yoked?
Richard: But first, it’s time for America’s favorite segment, Cuisine with Francine.
Tanya: Can I just say I am so happy that Francine is back.
Richard: Yes, me too. As I’m sure most of our viewers know, Francine was gone yesterday because she got stuck on a runaway roller coaster going 150 miles an hour for 19 hours straight.
Tanya: But now she’s back better than ever and not the least bit face. Hi Francine.[Cut to Francine. She has all her hair blown up and her mouth still open like air being blown to it.]
Francine: Hi Richard, hi Tanya. It’s great to be back. And I got some really exciting flavors to share with you all today.
Richard: Wow, Francine, you look nuts.
Tanya: Did you come here straight from the amusement park?
Francine: Sure did. Couldn’t be late to be back in the studio.
Tanya: Well, that’s great. Well, what’s on the menu today Francine.
Francine: Well, I hope you have your passports ready because today we’re off to Italia. Join me, will you?For a culture adventure that will have you say, “Mama mia.” Today we’re eating buffalo mozzarella, we’re gonna be eating crostini, cacio e pepe, and of course, a glass of chianti. Salute. [when she drinks the wine, the wine pours out of her mouth as it’s open] Now, that’s good vino.
Richard: Looks like that hit the spot.
Tanya: At least some part that got in.
Francine: Mmm, this is a complex wine. Almost as many twists and turns as my roller coaster ride from hell.
Tanya: I think she I think she compared the wine to all those loop de loops. You know we actually have some video of that.[cut to a video of a roller coaster running around very fast]
Richard: Yeah. Must be hard to watch, huh Francine?
Francine: What was that? I’m having trouble hearing you over the crispy crunch of my crispy crunchy crostini.
Richard: Alright, well, thanks Francine. Now it’s time for the weather with our very own Jason Burress.[Cut to Jason. He also has all his hair blown up and his mouth still open like air being blown to it.]
Jason: Hi, guys. Coming in, and it looks like a doozy, all right.
Tanya: Obviously, we forgot to mention that Jason was also trapped on a roller coaster.
Richard: I actually think we have a picture of that.[There’s a picture of Francine and Jason on a roller coaster]
Tanya: So how’s the weather looking, Jason?
Jason: It’s not good at all. We have snow coming in from the east. Uh huh. We have snow coming in from the west. Snow from the top, yeah. And snow from the bottom. Look, I’m dizzy as hell from the roller coaster ride.
Richard: Well, wait a minute. Something sure smells good.
Tanya: Oh, what are you cooking over there, Francine?
Francine: Just some minestrone soup. Be careful, it’s hot. You got to blow on it.
Jason: Umm, that looks dilicioso. [Francine pours the soup in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.] Oh, dilicioso. Yes. It’s great. Dilicioso.
Tanya: Well, I guess you must be pretty hungry after that crazy ride.
Francine: Yes, the only thing we had to eat were the bugs that flew into our open mouths.
Jason: Bugs like bumblebees, cicadas, and one dog sized bat.
Francine: Now, that’s a spicy meatball. Would you care for some spaghetti, Jason?
Jason: Oh yes please. [Francine pouts the spaghetti in Jason’s mouth. It gets spilled outside because his mouth is open.]
Tanya: Oh my god, you guys are so cute together.
Richard: Of course. You probably got real close during your time together on the roller coaster.
Tanya: Wait, what are they doing now?
Richard: But think they’re doing a little lady in the tramp thing. Oh, so romantic.
Tanya: I’m sorry. Francine. Is there something under your shirt?
Francine: Oh, I lmost forgot. Say hello to my little friend. [It’s a bird that stabbed its head into Francine’s stomach]
Richard: Is that a bird kicking his little legs?
Jason: Yes, he flew straight into her stomach at 200 miles an hour.
Francine: The doctors say if I pull it out, both of us will die. Now, back to you guys.
Tanya: All right, coming up next, our exclusive interview with a teenage boy who operated the roller coaster, and why he did nothing to stop it.
Andrew: Two reasons. Too dumb and too high.