Phoebe… Chloe Fineman
Regé-Jean Page
Director… Kate McKinnon
Richie… Mikey Day
Randy… Pete Davidson
[Starts with Bridgerton intro]
[Cut to a scene of Phoebe and Regé-Jean]
Phoebe: It is you that I want, your grace. You and only you.
Regé-Jean: I burn for you, Daphne.
Director: And cut. Oh my gosh, guys. Amazing. Such passion that was great. Now, this next thing involves nudity and simulated intercourse. So, we’re going to clear the set. And Regé, Phoebe, we’ll have a brief rehearsal with the intimacy coordinator to make sure you both comfortable with the scene.
Regé-Jean: Oh, excellent. Is Paula back? She’s fantastic.
Phoebe: Yes, I feel very, very safe with her.
Director: Unfortunately, Paula had a covid exposure at her fund raiser for covid relief, but Netflix has provided backup. So, um, guys?
[Richie and Randy walk in]
Richie: Hey, how you doing? I’m Richie, the Intimacy Coordinator. This is my nephew, Randy, assistant IC.
Randy: Hey, how you doing?
Phoebe: Nice to meet you.
Regé-Jean: I think I saw you guys by the bagel table earlier. I thought you were lighting guys.
Richie: Oh yeah, close. Um, we work as special effects for years.
Randy: Yeah. Explosions, wind, gross-out stuff.
Richie: Yeah. But not a lot of people getting puked on on movies coz of covid. So, we took a Zoom and got certified to do all the sex scene stuff.
Director: That’s great. You seem very qualified. Now, any questions about script?
Randy: Ah, didn’t read it. Seemed like a girl show to me.
Richie: Yeah, but we get the jest. You two are brother and sister. You’re banging each other. Good stuff.
Phoebe: What? No. That’s disgusting. We play husband and wife.
Regé-Jean: Why would you think we’re playing brother and sister?
Richie: I don’t know. It’s Netflix. They got some dark stuff on there, you know what I mean? Now, Netflix requires modesty garments. We made available. We got a bunch of beave sleeves and dong bags here for you.
Regé-Jean: Are those clean?
Richie: Yeah. I mean–
[Randy smells them]
Randy: Yeah, yeah.
Richie: Yeah. And for the lady, we got these pasties which we invented, our design.
Phoebe: Why are they green?
Randy: Oh. So they can green screen in someone else’s nips.
Phoebe: Oh, thoughtful, but no thank you.
Director: Are you sure? Because there’s actually something to this. We could green screen in a guy’s nipples and then we could play this on any network.
Regé-Jean: Deidre, no! Look, not my nipples, no one’s nipples. No. Maybe we can just walk through the scene and you’ll see what we rehearsed.
Richie: Yeah, great. We’ll just observe, make sure everything’s kosher.
Director: Sounds good. Okay. Thank you.
[Phoebe and Regé-Jean get on bed]
Regé-Jean: So, Phoebe and I thought that if I shift my body this way, then I would cover her a bit more.
Richie: Yeah. Well, actually, you guys wanna tap out for a second? This might be better actually. [Phoebe and Regé-Jean get out of bed] Thank you. Now, Daphne, if you’re comfortable with it, [lying on bd] you’re like this, “Oh”. You know? You could just pop on to all force like this. [posing like porn’s doggy style]
Randy: And Bridgetown, you get behind like this. [posing like he’s having sex with Richie from the behind] Right? One knee down and one foot up. You know what I’m saying?
Richie: Yeah. And if you’re looking for a laugh, Daphne, you can say, “Shh, don’t let mom and dad hear.”
Regé-Jean: Right, we’re not brother and sister.
Richie: Right, right, okay. Here we go. Take it or leave it, okay? You go like this, Daphne. “Oops, wrong hole, dumb ass.”
Regé-Jean: Absolutely not.
Randy: Then he goes, “Oops, sorry”, but then you wink at the camera like, “It wasn’t an accident.”
Richie: Yeah. I mean like, that’s just fun.
Regé-Jean: Deidre, can you help us here? Please.
Director: Um, yeah. Daphne, she wouldn’t say, “Dumb ass”. She would say, “Wrong hole, your grace.” So…
Regé-Jean: No, no. Let’s not try that.
Phoebe: I mean, we might as well shoot to as like an option.
Regé-Jean: Phoebe, no. Deidre, I think we’ll be okay without these Intimacy Coordinators. We know each other’s boundaries. We’ll just do what we rehearsed.
Richie: Okay, great. Well, have a great sex scene. Have fun. We’ll be here. Excellent.
Director: Great. Well, if you two feel okay, let’s just try and shoot one. And, can we get the body make up folks in?
Richie: Yeah, that would be us too. Sorry, bunch of your crew were at that super spread of fund raiser.
Randy: Alright. Who’s looking for patchy. We got a bunch of fake pubes.
Richie: Yeah. Here we go.