Bar Fight | Season 44 Episode 13

Nelson… Beck Bennett

Darla… Heidi Gardner

Rick… Mikey Day

Don Cheadle

[Starts with a clip of road side bar] [Cut to Don Cheadle drinking at the bar. Nelson and Rick come to the bar.]

Nelson: Hey Darla, how about two shots of Jack and one peek of that fine ass of yours. Please.

Darla: Keep dreaming, Nelson.

Nelson: What, I said please.

Rick: That you did, Nelson.

Nelson: All right. Cheers, to the open road—[Don Cheadle pushes Nelson’s elbow] Hey, man! What the hell? [Nelson pushes Don Cheadle] Y’all just made me spill my whiskey.

[Don Cheadle stands and prepares to fight]

Don Cheadle: You don’t want none of this man.

Nelson: Oh, I reckon I do.

Don Cheadle: Well, I guess we got some business then.

Nelson: All right.

[Cut to everybody in the bar]

Rick: Come on, y’all, clear some space. There’s gonna be a fight. [People are preparing, removing tables to make space for the fight]

Nelson: Put my fighting song on, Rick. I want something to listen to while I’m beating this ass.

Rick: You got it, brother. [Rock goes to jukebox and plays the song]

Don Cheadle: Come on, son. Take a swing.

Nelson: I’m fixin’ to.

Don Cheadle: Well, go on then.

Nelson: Ladies first. Come on!

[Music starts to play] [Don Cheadle is confused]

Don Cheadle: What is the song?

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson: I don’t know.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s very bright. It’s very fun. Is this your fighting song?

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: No, hey, rick, what’s up with this song, brother? Did do you a-26?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah. I’m sorry about that, I think I put on the wrong song.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Well, I’m good brother. I ain’t here to listen to music. I’m here to fight.

Don Cheadle: Guess that are makes two of us then.

[Nelson and Don are trying to fight, but it looks like they’re dancing to the music]

Nelson: Come on. What you waiting for?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s just don’t feel right with this sucking on a lollipop song on. I know you feel it, too.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle. They are actually dancing now.]

Nelson: Yeah, yeah, I do. Darla, can we change the song?

[Cut to Darla]

Darla: Yeah, we can’t skip it. Either drink or fight.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Well, I want to fight. It just don’t feel right with this song on.

Nelson: So what do we do? Wait it out?

Don Cheadle: Sounds like a plan, bitch!

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Ha, you like it.

Nelson: No, I don’t.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you do. You dancing to it.

[Cut to Rick dancing slowly]

Rick: Like, no, he ain’t. He’s just moving his body to the rhythm. Same as the rest of us.

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Don Cheadle: Yeah, that’s called dancing, dumbass.

Nelson: At best I’m boppin’ around. Nothing more, nothing less.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, punk.

Nelson: What do you reckon this song’s about?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Oh, I think it’s about letting you fight it and not pushing it. That’s what the fella means when he says, “Sucking on your lollipop”.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Yeah, that’s what I reckon, too.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you are right. Your dumb as probably thought it was about candy.

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson:  Oh, I want to beat you down so bad. How much longer is this song? And also, what’s it called and who sings it?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: It’s called “Lollipop” it’s by Mika.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, don’t let me forget that, bud.

Rick: Looks like, building into a big finish. Good.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Time kick your ass. And is that “Mika” with a “K” or a “C-h”?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: That’s a ‘K’.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, here we go. Getting funky.

Don Cheadle: So much going on this song?

Nelson: Oh! Here’s that big finish. Here we go!

[Everybody in the bar start dancing with Nelson and Don Cheadle] [Nelson and Don Cheadle are holding hands and dancing]

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

[The song finished. Everybody is cheering.] [Don Cheadle suddenly punches Nelson]

Nelson: What the hell, man. I thought we were having fun?

Don Cheadle: Fun’s over, punk!

[Don Cheadle jumps on Nelson] [Cut to the clip of road side bar]

Riverdale | Season 44 Episode 12

Rick… Kenan Thompson

Betty… Halsey

Clapperboard person… Melissa Villaseñor

Corpse (Lionel Rodgers)… Pete Davidson

Jug-head… Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

[Starts with film shooting scene]

Rick: All right,I hope you people like pressure because we are shooting the season finale of ‘Rivaerdale’. All right, we are in a morgue and Betty has come to identify her cousin’s body with Jug-head, the sadness is pop-able.

Betty: Got it.

Rick: All right. Now, let’s make some ‘Dale’.

Clapperboard person: ‘Riverdale’, episode 57. Text me deadly. Rolling.

Rick: And action!

[Betty and Jug-head start acting]

Betty: Oh, Devin, I wanted to see the queen babe of this drop hive. But now all I want is to have my cousin back.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Betty: I love you.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: He’ll always be in your heart.

Rick: Okay, let’s hold it. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] I’m sorry, excuse me. Actor  on the gurney, are you all right?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, yes. I’m good if you’re good.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I’m not good. What were those sounds?

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: Oh, just everyday corpse sounds. The usual hisses and moans you get from gas escaping the body. I’m sorry. I’m Lionel Rodgers. I play corpses. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person looking at him speechless] So I’ve been dead, what, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] two or three days?

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yes, sure.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Great, so I’d still be releasing a lot of gas. Right? So, I’ll give you some groans, some toots, so you have options.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right, We’re going again with no sounds from the corpse.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: Oh, I see. So you want this to be a totally inaccurate depiction of dead body.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: Yeah, exactly.

Betty: Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] can we go again before I lose the feeling?

Rick: Yes, yes, Lily, let’s pick it up [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] where we left off, please.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Corpse: [Singing] A fox ran into a volcano.[Then he lies down] [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: I hope that’s not a vocal exercise because you will not be speaking. Now, on your mark, get set, act!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head acting]

Betty: Jug-head. I was an A1 River Vixen but now, it feels like nothing matters.

Jug-head: Betty, death is the wisest teacher in Riverdale.

[Corpse starts to shiver hard]

Alex Moffat: Betty. Jughead. You betrayed me.

Rick: Stop it!

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Betty: Okay. Sorry, Rick. I know it was me.

Rick: You know, it was not you Lily. [Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person] There was a man ridiculously, violently trashing next to you.

[Cut to Lionel Rodgers]

Lionel Rodgers: You said not to make any sounds. I was just convulsing the way a normal corpse would with no means to expel gas.

[Cut to Rick and Clapperboard person]

Rick: All right. That is it. I want you out of here right now.

[Cut to Betty and Jug-head]

Jug-head: I don’t know, Rick. It sounds like this guy did his research.

Lionel Rodgers: I did, I did. [Cut to Lionel, Betty and Jug-head] I lived in a Morgue for three months.

Rick: Why?

Lionel Rodgers: Just sort of works out for me rent- wise.

Betty: Rick, I’m kind of digging the authenticity.

[Rick walks in]

Rick: People, trust me, when I have finished [Cut to Rick] weaving this episode of the ‘Dale’, all eyes will be on the hot teens and their steamy, antics. Not the corpse. Now please, no moans, no spasms, no movement. Action!

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse]

Lionel Rodgers: And cut. Look, [Cut to Lionel Rodgers] let me just make sure I understand what you want because you sir, you’re a terrible director. This woman lost her cousin. [Cut to Betty, Jug-head, Lionel Rodgers and Rick] she’s so overcome by grief, that she doesn’t notice he’s the only corpse in the history of the world that isn’t moaning and jerking around.

Rick: No.

Lionel Rodgers: So is the idea that she has brain damage?

Betty: Yes Rick, [Cut to Betty and Jug-head] it seems pretty weird I wouldn’t notice that my dead cousin isn’t moving.

Jug-head: Yeah. He does have a point.

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Fine. I give up.  Failure for me is like slipping on an old coat. You all do what you want. Roll film!

[Clapperboard person joins]

Clapperboard person: This isn’t film.

[Cut to Betty, Jug-head and corpse start acting]

Betty: My poor, sweet Devin. What a cousin.

Corpse: [Starts moaning] Ahh!

Jug-head: Death is bad, Betty.

Corpse: Avenge me!