Casablanca

Reese De’What… Kenan Thompson

Rick… J.K. Simmons

Victor… Taran Killam

Ilsa… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Cinema Classics intro] [Cut to Reese De’What in his set]

Reese De’What: Good evening. I am Reese De’What. Welcome to Cinema Classics. Tonight, we look at the recently unearthed alternate ending to the 1942 classic ‘Casablanca’, starring Humphrey Bogart, Ingrid Bergman and Claude Rains. Why did they make this alternate ending? I do not know. This is not why I am here. If I were to guess, I would say that the director’s girlfriend said, “Hey, let’s try one my way.” But, I’m a bad guesser. Just ask my wife. This morning, she asked me to guess what she wanted for her birthday. And I said, “I don’t know. Some common sense and a bra that doesn’t cut your back?” Worst post sex discussion ever. Let’s look at this alternate ending now where Rick risks everything to get Ilsa safely out of Casablanca and away from the Nazis. Here we go.

[Cut to the alternate ending. Two men and one woman are walking.]

Rick: Here you go, Louis. These are the exit visas. And if you don’t mind, why don’t you fill in the names. That will make it seem more official.

Victor: Certainly, Rick, you think of everything, don’t you?

Rick: And the names are Mr. and Mrs. Victor Laslo.

[Victor walks away] [Cut to Ilsa]

Ilsa: But, why my name, Richard?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa. Rick holds Ilsa’s hands.]

Rick: Because you’re getting on that plane.

Ilsa: I don’t understand, Richard. What about you?

Rick: I’m going to stay here with him until the plane gets safely away.

Ilsa: Oh, no Richard, no! No, Richard! No, no, no! No, Richard! Last night you said we’d be together forever.

Rick: Last night, we said a great many things. And it all boils down to this. You’re getting on that plane where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, Richard, no, no! Please, not without you. No, no. I’d face any danger to be with you.

Rick: Listen to me.

Ilsa: No!

Rick: You know what waits for you if you stay here? 9 chances out of 10, you’ll wind up in a concentration camp.

Ilsa: Concentration camp? Urgh! Okay, so, is that the plane? Is it ready for me to get on it?

Rick: Last night you asked me to do the thinking for the both of us. And since then, I’ve done a lot of it. You’re getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.

Ilsa: Oh, I know. Thank you. If you let me go, I’ll do it. I’ll get right on it.

Rick: Listen to me now, if that plane leaves and you’re not on it, you’ll live to regret it.

Ilsa: Yes.

Rick: Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.

Ilsa: Wow, you give me a lot to think about when I’m on that plane. Regrets, concentration camp, it’s a lot. [Asking people around] Do you think it’s refueled yet? Hey! Hey!

[Cut to Victor]

Victor: Come again?

[Cut to Rick and Ilsa]

Ilsa: I said is the plane full, you fool! Do you need help? Is there a hole or something that I can help with?

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. Look at me. Stop looking at the plane.

Ilsa: No, I know. I’m listening. I don’t want to turn around and not see a plane behind me. Then next thing you know, I’m sitting in a CC. That’s short for concentration camp. Is that something anyone says?

Rick: Well, don’t think about that.

Ilsa: Well, you put it in my head and now all I can see is me behind bar while having to pick a child shoe.

Rick: Well, that’s not going to happen. You don’t have a child.

Ilsa: Oh, I know, Richard. But they might make me choose for somebody else. Nazis are weird like that.

Rick: I see what you’re trying to do. You’re stalling so you don’t have to get on that plane and leave me.

Ilsa: You tell yourself whatever you need to. I’ll wave at you through one of the little windows. It’ll be our thing. Okay.

[Ilsa tries to leave]

Rick: Ilsa, look at me. We’ll always have Paris.

Ilsa: Oh, Paris. Paris is the best. Such a cool place. Oh, look! The staircase just popped out of the plane and that’s where my little feet need to go.

Rick: I’ve got a job to do.

Ilsa: Yes, you do.

Rick: Where I’m going, you can’t follow.

Ilsa: Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it.

[Plane engine noise]

Oh, F words! F words! Do you hear that? That’s plane engine noises. Oh, I should go.

Rick: Ilsa.

Ilsa: What?

Rick: I’m no good at being noble but it doesn’t take too much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy love.

Ilsa: Oh, beans are crazy. Crazy beans.

Rick: Some day you’ll understand that. Here’s looking at you, kid.

Ilsa: Oh, Rick! [takes a deep breath] Bye!

[Ilsa leaves]

Bar Fight | Season 44 Episode 13

Nelson… Beck Bennett

Darla… Heidi Gardner

Rick… Mikey Day

Don Cheadle

[Starts with a clip of road side bar] [Cut to Don Cheadle drinking at the bar. Nelson and Rick come to the bar.]

Nelson: Hey Darla, how about two shots of Jack and one peek of that fine ass of yours. Please.

Darla: Keep dreaming, Nelson.

Nelson: What, I said please.

Rick: That you did, Nelson.

Nelson: All right. Cheers, to the open road—[Don Cheadle pushes Nelson’s elbow] Hey, man! What the hell? [Nelson pushes Don Cheadle] Y’all just made me spill my whiskey.

[Don Cheadle stands and prepares to fight]

Don Cheadle: You don’t want none of this man.

Nelson: Oh, I reckon I do.

Don Cheadle: Well, I guess we got some business then.

Nelson: All right.

[Cut to everybody in the bar]

Rick: Come on, y’all, clear some space. There’s gonna be a fight. [People are preparing, removing tables to make space for the fight]

Nelson: Put my fighting song on, Rick. I want something to listen to while I’m beating this ass.

Rick: You got it, brother. [Rock goes to jukebox and plays the song]

Don Cheadle: Come on, son. Take a swing.

Nelson: I’m fixin’ to.

Don Cheadle: Well, go on then.

Nelson: Ladies first. Come on!

[Music starts to play] [Don Cheadle is confused]

Don Cheadle: What is the song?

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson: I don’t know.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s very bright. It’s very fun. Is this your fighting song?

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: No, hey, rick, what’s up with this song, brother? Did do you a-26?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: Yeah. I’m sorry about that, I think I put on the wrong song.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Well, I’m good brother. I ain’t here to listen to music. I’m here to fight.

Don Cheadle: Guess that are makes two of us then.

[Nelson and Don are trying to fight, but it looks like they’re dancing to the music]

Nelson: Come on. What you waiting for?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: It’s just don’t feel right with this sucking on a lollipop song on. I know you feel it, too.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle. They are actually dancing now.]

Nelson: Yeah, yeah, I do. Darla, can we change the song?

[Cut to Darla]

Darla: Yeah, we can’t skip it. Either drink or fight.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Well, I want to fight. It just don’t feel right with this song on.

Nelson: So what do we do? Wait it out?

Don Cheadle: Sounds like a plan, bitch!

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Ha, you like it.

Nelson: No, I don’t.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you do. You dancing to it.

[Cut to Rick dancing slowly]

Rick: Like, no, he ain’t. He’s just moving his body to the rhythm. Same as the rest of us.

[Nelson and Don start dancing]

Don Cheadle: Yeah, that’s called dancing, dumbass.

Nelson: At best I’m boppin’ around. Nothing more, nothing less.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that, punk.

Nelson: What do you reckon this song’s about?

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Oh, I think it’s about letting you fight it and not pushing it. That’s what the fella means when he says, “Sucking on your lollipop”.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Yeah, that’s what I reckon, too.

Don Cheadle: Yeah, you are right. Your dumb as probably thought it was about candy.

[Cut to Nelson]

Nelson:  Oh, I want to beat you down so bad. How much longer is this song? And also, what’s it called and who sings it?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: It’s called “Lollipop” it’s by Mika.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, don’t let me forget that, bud.

Rick: Looks like, building into a big finish. Good.

[Cut to Don Cheadle]

Don Cheadle: Time kick your ass. And is that “Mika” with a “K” or a “C-h”?

[Cut to Rick]

Rick: That’s a ‘K’.

[Cut to Nelson and Don Cheadle]

Nelson: Oh, here we go. Getting funky.

Don Cheadle: So much going on this song?

Nelson: Oh! Here’s that big finish. Here we go!

[Everybody in the bar start dancing with Nelson and Don Cheadle] [Nelson and Don Cheadle are holding hands and dancing]

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

Sucking too hard on your lollipop

or love’s gonna get you down

[The song finished. Everybody is cheering.] [Don Cheadle suddenly punches Nelson]

Nelson: What the hell, man. I thought we were having fun?

Don Cheadle: Fun’s over, punk!

[Don Cheadle jumps on Nelson] [Cut to the clip of road side bar]